Pet Hate

[Eminence]

~

Edited June 17, 2021 by Eminence

[Ziggy455]

I know that prose isn't your forte; alas, we all know. But this is a solid piece. It feels more like dialogue than actual descriptive prose, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. It was a great read; the nervous, quirkiness of the piece retained my attention. Grammar-wise? Ain't got f*ck all on it. The story itself feels like it's sort of a prelude? Like we're seeing the first step of a serial-killer. Bunnies to bigger prey, bigger prey to people.

 

Is this a one shot, or do you have more on the way? I'm liking it. It doesn't try too hard, and it's got a dark essence about it which I like. As for the bunny-killing, I like how you alluded to it, but you didn't explain it in gory detail. I think that gives me more of a feeling of curiosity. I want to see more though. I want to see where you're taking this cheap character.

 

 

[Eminence]

 

I know that prose isn't your forte; alas, we all know.

Haha, you're the first person to describe me in that way! Before sort of focusing exclusively on screenplays in the last year or two, all I wrote was prose... so I wouldn't really say it's not my forte.

 

It is just the one short, to be honest. No plans to take it further - he's not supposed to be a serial killer or anything. And obviously it sounding like dialogue is intentional, because it is just one long monologue.

 

It's nothing special, mind. Just a little something I cooked up and thrashed out without thinking too much on the subject. I'm glad it stirred up some curiosity in you... unfortunately it'll have to be left a little unsatisfied!

[Tyler]

Good stuff, man. The ending left me smiling quite widely. Especially:

 

 

And I stare at him, and I have this look – you know the look – this look on my face. He can see it. I wonder how many times a day he sees it. And I just said to him, that ain't humane. That's cruel.

 

Love it. Also, I'd agree that this sounds like a dialogue, what with the 2nd person narrative. It's a little short for formal critique, but suffice to say I enjoyed the pacing and the subject of it. Glad you posted it, Em.

[Mokrie Dela]

Firstly I love how the opening almost makes us think you're saying something, like "before I start, lets clear something up. blah blah blah. Good, now the story:"

That pulled me in nicely, like you was making a point, but then I realised it was part of it. Nice.

 

I like the personal style to it. It really feels like someone's telling me this story. I'm not there, i'm not seeing the bunny, or immersed in it in the normal way, but give me a beer and it'd feel like my mate (incidentally my best mate HAS a rabbit) is telling me this. That's what i like. I'm not gaping in awe at this, but I rather enjoyed it. I also feel that it's better as a oneshot. If you expanded it i would worry that it would feel like it's trying too hard, and at the moment it feels quite casual.

 

[El Zilcho]

I found this piece a bit disappointing.

 

While reading, I felt that the protagonist's angst and bile were coming through in droves, intentionally no doubt, and that characterisation is always a plus for me. It struck me as how someone would act in the early stages of snapping, before 'going postal'. But it felt a little shallow; perhaps it was because of all the 'nudge nudge, say no more' sort of hints towards his wife, all the peculiar familiarity. It felt forced, which is an easy mistake to make with this type of piece (and no doubt I've fallen into the trap too), as it is compact, starts from scratch and yet seeks to produced a specific feel. Not easy.

 

The only part I can honestly say that was befitting of your talents would be the final paragraph. Something about it was unnerving, probably the implied sadism, but also the fact it seemed to hark back to horror movie endings (Friday 13th ) when the villain re-emerges from near death. Except this wasn't a man the protagonist was waiting for, but a pet.

 

I think this piece missed, most of all, a chance to really sucker punch. To really grab the audience with something shocking, to accentuate the immorality, while still being subtle. You could have done that, it is well within your ability. I just feel as if you didn't.

[Eminence]

I think this piece missed, most of all, a chance to really sucker punch. To really grab the audience with something shocking, to accentuate the immorality, while still being subtle. You could have done that, it is well within your ability. I just feel as if you didn't.

Could you elaborate on this at all? Feels a bit vague to me, not sure what you really mean in terms of stuff on the page.

 

I get what you're saying about it feeling a little forced. It's all pretty one-note, a bit one dimensional, perhaps. I'd say the shallowness was intentional, but then I guess I'd say it was all intentional, really.

 

Thanks to Mokrie and Tyler also for the feedback! Much appreciated.

[El Zilcho]

I think this piece missed, most of all, a chance to really sucker punch. To really grab the audience with something shocking, to accentuate the immorality, while still being subtle. You could have done that, it is well within your ability. I just feel as if you didn't.

Could you elaborate on this at all? Feels a bit vague to me, not sure what you really mean in terms of stuff on the page.

 

I get what you're saying about it feeling a little forced. It's all pretty one-note, a bit one dimensional, perhaps. I'd say the shallowness was intentional, but then I guess I'd say it was all intentional, really.

I speak in generalisations a lot, my bad aha.

 

I got the impression the most important feature of the piece was this sort of suburban sadism - this man's strange hatred of the bunny, for no apparent reason. But the fact that his target was a bunny, the fact that his 'crime' was so very quickly over, and the fact the flippancy of the act wasn't highlighted enough (I thought the spontaneity of his killing made it even crueller) missed a trick.

 

Basically, killing the bunny was over too quickly, and meant far less than it could have.

 

 

[Ronmar The Only]

Interesting little flash fiction.

 

I think adding stuff about how the kids treated the bunny first and then how the burden falls on him might be a plus (demonstrating all the sh*t, both literal and figurative, that the narrator has to deal with).