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The Pizza Delivery Guy

Captured

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The Pizza Delivery Guy

Joey lost his f*cking legs. Those pigs.

 

We were just strolling along as casual as could be. Dead serious, it was so unprofessional that Sargent McGee would have saw to it that our balls'd be torn by chimps.

 

It was sunnier than hell too, uniform was constraining me. I was spending too much time adjusting my collar on the damn thing to notice the mines next to the road. I mean we saw them and we knew they were proximity. Day one stuff they'd teach. We had no idea how close we really were.

 

It was Joey's first march into enemy lines for Christ's sake! I'm going to kill all of them.

 

So the f*cking thing goes off, and Martinez falls back, his face buried in gravel. Nickersonn got shrapnel in his arm and tried to pull it out. He only made the wound wider. I'm lying there face up and can see everything when those towel heads run out and pull Johnson off to the side and begin to disembowel him right in front of the entire squad.

 

Joey was being heaved by two of them and I wasn't going to let it happen. I forced myself with everything I had left to stand and shoot the towel heads but they were right on me. They dropped Joey on his damn head and charged. One took out my hand with the gun and the other tackled me. As a last ditch effort I bit the towel heads sour, dirty palm. He let go and in that mere second of freedom I slapped the one on top of me.

 

I went for the gun and got about 2 feet before the towel heads were back on me again. Nickersonn in a demented frenzy of blood loss tripped over the towel heads on me knocking them off. The ones that had disemboweled Johnson go after Nickersonn as I continued to fight toward my gun. I thought for sure I had the thing before another mine went off behind me.

 

Joey had been trying to run away from the ambush when he stepped right on top of another hidden mine. His legs went flying. I know this because one hit the back of my head, and then into the gun, knocking it further away. I cursed my f*cking luck and found every towel head going after Joey.

 

I had the gun in my hand when the disemboweling towel heads noticed and grabbed me once more. I still had the weapon and shot the towel head that had me. He dropped dead, bringing the attention of the others back to me. One diesemboweler sprinted to me. I took him out in 3 shots.

 

The 3 remaining towel heads stared me down. I stared right back for longer than I ever want to anyone again. Then two bolted toward me. It was now I realized I was out of bullets. Them two took me right down. I never felt any worse pain when they were tearing away at my flesh. All of those towel heads were cannibals, we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

And then possibly the greatest thing to happen to me in my life, the cannibals' squad leader appeared, apparently directing them to move us out. They piled us into a rusty old U.S. ammunition truck. We crawled across the terrible roads, flipping and flopping into each other, blood spewing everywhere from our wounds. Martinez was already dead, Nickersonn lost so much blood by the time he made it to the camp it was otherworldly how he was still breathing, and Johnson's organs covered the majority of the truck once we made it to camp. I managed what I could to patch up Joey's legs, and bleeding was under some control by the time we got to the camp.

 

Turns out the place was an ordinary Afghan POW camp and we were treated like all they others: Dumped into little spots. And that's how I got here. I know my time is soon. They got a taste of me, and I'm sure they want more. And if Joey is still alive, I just hope they kill him before they eat him.

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Ziggy455
I liked this. I liked how personal it felt, like I was listening to somebody half-scared, and half-hopeless. The prose is neither here nor there for the fact it seems like a dialogue like piece. Are you planning to continue this? If so, I'd be able to offer some more constructive criticism.

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Mokrie Dela

A few minor points. I feel "towel-heads" should be hyphened, perhaps capitalised as you're establishing it as a noun. Also you wrote "i bit the towel heads sour, dirty palm." which should read as "I bit the Towel-Head's sour, dirty palm."

Just minor points.

 

That out of the way though, I agree with Zigs that there's a level of personalness to it... the f*cks!

 

I kinda want to see if this is going anywhere, as there is that element of 'more's coming'.

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Eminence

It read like a lot of shallow, generalised racism to me. If there was a point to writing it in that way, then I'm afraid it's gone over my head.

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Loch Dawg

I feel like it draws away from the tone you're trying to get across. Balls being torn off by chimps isn't something I would expect a soldier to say. If anything its a little crude/juvenile which detracts from the tone you're purveying. If you can re-work that sentence to something like;

 

 

Sarge would have rang our f*cking necks out if he found out.

 

Also, the use of the term 'towelheads'; if I understand correctly you're only trying to get the reader to feel some resentment towards the enemy characters, but the word 'towelhead' really just had me stop in my tracks. I'm not going to say you went out of your way to be racist, but I think you could definitely choose a better word then 'towelheads'.

 

Also;

 

 

As a last ditch effort I bit the towel heads sour, dirty palm.

 

This sentence just doesn't work for me, it was probably at this point I stopped reading and just skimmed over the final part of the story.

 

You've definitely got a storyline you can work with here, you just need to re-consider some of your word choices and also be a little more intelligent with your sentence structure. As the other guys have said, I enjoyed the personal tone that came along with this piece but after finishing it left me with a very juvenile impression of a soldiers plight. I'll be interested to see where you go with this.

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The Pizza Delivery Guy

Wow, I wasn't expecting this much feedback. This was just something I jotted down when I couldn't sleep. I did no revisions before posting.

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