VProductions Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) New mission added, sh*t is so cash right now "This place about to blow" Welcome to the Avalon State(temporary map), the most beautiful place in the world. Relax on the luscious beaches, listen to waves and waterfalls, lie in a hammock and dream your worries away. You can take a tour of the award winning mall, you can swim with dolphins, you can climb Mount Glove, you can visit the pyramids. Or..... you can visit Ibarazi City and get f*ckING WASTED. Enjoy your stay. Topic Updates 16:33 02/05/2013 - Thread created, added motto, added logo and added state description. 16:50 02/05/2013 - First mission added. 17:00 02/05/2013 - Missions section added and notes section added. 17:25 02/05/2013 - Radio section and some stations added. 21:20 02/05/2013 - Second Mission added. 22:08 02/05/2013 - Character section added and a few characters added. 16:40 03/05/2013 - Edited first and second missions. 17:12 03/05/2013 - Added Locations section and some locations added 17:46 03/05/2013 - Added third mission (the action is starting very soon) 15:27 04/05/2013 - Linked third mission to main post 20:26 04/05/2013 - Added a new radio station and put a few songs on it (more soon) 00:33 06/05/2013 - Added fourth mission 12:11 06/05/2013 - Linked third mission to main post. 12:16 06/05/2013 - Added new characters. 19:11 08/05/2013 - Added new radio station and changed the name of the motel to Glovehand Motel. 22:33 09/05/2013 - New mission added Notes This was inspired by TonyZimmzy! This wasn't meant to come out until June ! This will develop and loose seriousness in time! Missions Introduction: Introduction (Automatically Starts) Killer Looks - Len Sayle Taking Out The Trash - Len Sayle All That Glitters Is Not Scarlet - Brady In Too Deep - Nathan (Automatically Starts) Characters Nathan MacCarthy Laura MacCarthy Kyle MacCarthy Jewel Springs Alex "DJ Noire" Sayle Len Sayle Brady Scarlet The Inbred Locations Slacha - Interior Slacha - Exterior Eatmore Diner - Interior Eatmore Diner - Exterior Glovehand Motel - Exterior Glovehand Motel - Reception Desk Glovehand Motel- Safehouse/Room The Cabin - Exterior Radio 99.9 Wobble FM 1. Bangarang - Skrillex 2. Nek Breaker - Rednek 3. I Can't Stop - Flux Pavillion 4. Clarity - Zedd 5. I Need Air - Magnetic Man 6. Sierra Leone - Mt. Eden 7. Crush On You (Knife Party Remix) - Nero 8. Blow The Roof - Flux Pavillion 100.1 Headbang FM 1. Enter Sandman - Metallica 2. Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath 3. 2 Minutes to Midnight - Iron Maiden 4. Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne 5. Poison - Alice Cooper 6. Stairway To Heaven - Led Zepplin 7. (I Wanna) Rock And Roll All Night - KISS 101.6 Anarchy FM 1. London Calling - The Clash 2. Come On Eileen - Dexys Midnight Runners 3. Hotel California - Eagles 4. We Built This City - Starship 5. Negative Thinking - Deathset 6. Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeplinn 7. You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet - Bachman Turner Overdrive 8. Back In Black - AC/DC 9. Black Betty - Ram Jam 10. Rock The Casbah - The Clash 105.5 Sweat FM 1. Molly - Cedric Gervais 2. Rattle - Bingo Players 3. Fade Into Darkness - Avicii 4. Pursuit Of Happiness - Steve Aoki 5. Toulouse - Nicky Romero 6. Antidote - Swedish House Mafia vs. Knife Party 7. Harlem Shake - Baauer 8. Million Voices - Otto Knows 9. Gangnam Style - PSY 10. I Could Be The One - Avicii and Nicky Romero 11. D.A.N.C.E - Justice 103.4 Crib FM 1. Kiss Me Thru The Phone - Soulja Boy Tell'em 2. Still D.R.E - Dr Dre 3. Live Your Life - T.I 4. Like Toy Soldiers - Eminem 5. Ghetto Gospel - 2Pac 6. Beautiful - Eminem 7. All Of The Lights - Kanye West 8. A Milli - Lil Wayne 9. A$$ - Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj 10. Take Care - Drake ft. Rihanna 11. Avalon - Professor Green 107.3 Lighters FM 1. It Must Have Been Love - Roxette 2. Nothing's Gonna Stop Us - Starship 3. Here I Go Again - Whitesnake 4. Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd 5. The Passenger - Iggy Pop 6. Don't Stand So Close - The Police 7. I Want To Break Free - Queen 98.8 Spark FM 1. Three Little Birds - Bob Marley 2. Bad Boys - Inner Circle 3. Pass The Dutchie - Musical Youth 4. Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston 5. One Love - Bob Marley 6. Falling In Love With You - UB40 7. Electric Avenue - Eddy Grant 8. It Wasn't Me - Shaggy 9. I Can See Clearly Now - Johnny Nash 101.9 Power FM 1. 21 Guns - Green Day 2. Buddy Holly - Weezer 3. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus 4. My Sharona - The Knack 5. The Middle - Jimmy Eat World 6. Stacy's Mom - Foundations Of Wayne 7. All The Small Things - Blink-182 Edited May 23, 2013 by VProductions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 (Reserved) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 (Reserved) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) Introduction: [start of CutScene] A light flicks on to reveal a typical 3* hotel room, the door opens and Nathan peeks around it. He dashes inside and bounces on to the biggest of three beds. Nathan (happy): My bed! Laura enters the room and chases after Nathan, she gets on the same bed as him and pushes him off on to the grey carpet. Laura (laughing): Now.... Laura stares seriously at Nathan for a few seconds. Nathan looks worried. Laura (smiling): …It belongs to me. Laura throws a pillow at Nathan and they both laugh. Kyle enters the room holding three dufflebags and gasping for breath. Nathan gets off the floor and helps him put the bags in-front of a wardrobe. Kyle (annoyed): About time you f*cking helped, I'm not a camel. Laura: Quit your moaning. Nathan: Are we getting ready soon. Kyle: We have only been in this cultural paradise for two hours and you want to visit the nightclubs, can you not wait? Nathan: Nope and its not just any nightclub, it's Slacha. Kyle: I thought it was closed this time of year, that's why I come with you. Laura high-fives Nathan who is smoking a cigarette on his bed. Kyle: Put that out! Are you even listening? Nathan: Not really. Laura: Kye, shut up and get changed. The screen fades to black and green text appears, it reads “18 Months”. The text disappears and the screen fades in again. Nathan, Laura and Kyle are stood outside a giant nightclub called Slacha. It is rated as the world's best nightclub, it is decorated in green and is covered in neons. It emits a light from the roof that is see-able all around the city. The building is shaped stylishly. Nathan walks to the front of the queue and hands the bounce a fifty dollar note. He lets Nathan, Kyle and Laura inside. The interior of the nightclub is huge, decorated with green lights and a flashing glass dancefloor. Infront of the dancefloor is a DJ Area, Behind the dancefloor is a bar, where a sexy young Latino woman is serving drinks. Lets Go by Calvin Harris plays loudly. Laura: Go get us a drink,Nate. Kyle: Cola, please Nathan (whispering to Laura): With Vodka Laura winks at Nathan as Kyle walks away into the quiet part of the club. [start of GamePlay] Now, you take control of Nathan for the first time. Objective: Reach The Bar You must make your way through the crowd by walking in-between all of the people dancing. The basic on-foot controls will be shown on screen now. [start of CutScene] The barmaid comes straight over to Nathan and hands him a pink cocktail in a tall glass, she smiles as he downs it in one. Nathan (laughing): Three of them then please. Barmaid: Coming up, my name's Jewel, by the way. Nathan: Because your eyes sparkle? Jewel: (giggling): Haha, thanks. Jewel turns away to make the drinks while Nathan looks around the club. She brings three of the pink drinks over. Nathan drinks one and gets out a twenty dollar note out of his pocket and gives it to Jewel. Jewel: I like you, here's my number. Jewel hands a piece of paper to Nathan who scrunches it up and puts it in his pocket. Jewel signals the DJ to turn the music down a bit. Greyhound by Swedish House Mafia plays quietly in the background Jewel: So, who ya here with? Nathan: My bro and my sister. Nathan points to Laura who is dancing against a man who is clearly flirting with her. Jewel (laughing): So, does she get around a lot? Nathan (smiling): She's a f*cking slag! But, she's our slag. Not in an sex way because that's kinda si- Jewel drags Nathan over the bar and kisses him while customers wait to be served. Nathan climbs back out and sits on a bar stool. Nathan (smirking): That was just great. Jewel: Best kiss I ever had. Can you DJ? Nathan: Sure, seems easy enough. Jewel (smiling):Get up there then, have some fun. Nathan notices Kyle standing on his own reading a book in the corner, he waves him over. Jewel (winking): I'll try to cheer him up. Nathan: Thanks, I appreciate it. Kyle reaches the bar as Nathan picks up a pink drink and downs it in one. Nathan: Get one of these down you! Nathan hands one of the drinks to Kyle and picks up the last drink. [start of GamePlay] Now, you take control of Nathan again. Objective: Give Laura Her Drink You must cross the dancefloor to give Laura the drink. She is dancing with a tall handsome man, as you walk closer, he tries to put his hand up her skirt. Laura tries to stop him and push him away. Laura (scared): Help! [start of Cutscene] Nathan throws Laura's drink over the man and he grabs Nathan by the shirt. Laura: Get the f*ck off him! Man: Make me bitch. Laura throws the man to the ground and Nathan starts to stomp on his stomach. The bouncer from the door come over and drags the man away. Kyoto by Skrillex plays quietly Laura: Thanks Nate. Nathan (defensive): Anyone puts their hands near you, I'm gonna break them. Laura: Shame about my drink though. Nathan: Go speak to Kyle at the bar, slip a few pills in his drink. Cheer him up. Nathan walks through the crowd to the DJ deck past green lasers that flash past the dances. He reaches the deck where the DJ highfives him and lets him on the decks. [start of GamePlay] You regain control of Nathan. Objective: Try DJing You get to try DJing for the first time, it works like a minigame, you can choose a song from - Silence by Mt Eden VS Watercolour by Pendulum - Bangarang by Skrillex VS Starlight by Flux Pavillion - One by Swedish House Mafia VS Me and You by Nero After you have chosen a song, both songs will play simultaneously, a slider bar hud will appear on screen, the slider starts in the middle, causing the loud horrific noise off two songs playing at once. You must slide the bar either left or right to play the song on the left or the song on the right. You must switch between both at different parts of the songs which is indicated by the crowd not dancing. The aim is to keep the crowd dancing and happy at the same time. As the songs are not that well together, the game will automatically change BPM and add a drum beat that fits both songs. Once the song you chose is over, you will be rated with stars from one star to five stars. But in this instance, you will definintly get a good score. [start of CutScene] DJ: Man, you did good there! I'm DJ Noire! But, call me Alex. Nathan: I'm Nate, nice to meet- There is gunshots and explosions in the club, the giant discoball above the crowd falls down and crushes some of them. Blood splatters on the dancefloor as the music stops and seven people run into the club with pistols. They gun down dancers and start to smash the decorations. Two of the shooters get killed by some falling debris. As Slacha starts to crumble, Nate and Alex dash to Laura who is crying. She is looking at the dead bodies and tears roll down her face while she hug Nate and sobs. Nathan: Its gonna be ok, take cover and be quiet. Laura runs and hides behind a counter, Nathan headbutts one of the shooters who falls unconcious on the floor. The shooters mercilessly continue to kill guests. [start of GamePlay] You regain control of Nathan. Objective: Reach Kyle A shooter runs towards you, you must fight him, fighting controls are shown onscreen. Once you have fought him and he is on the floor, another shooter runs towards you. You must take cover at one of the three counters before he shoots you. As he reaches the counter, you will automatically yank him over and punch him unconscious. This leaves three shooters in the room. The stealth controls will appear on-screen now. You need leave cover and sneak behind the next shooter, you need to defeat him so now is the first time you will stealth kill somebody. You will strangle him and he will fall two the ground. Now you can safely get to Kyle in the corner of the bar as the two shooters are other end of bar. [start of CutScene] Nathan grabs Kyle who is about to yell as he has a bullet in his stomach, he is bleeding slowly. Nathan holds his hand over Kyle's mouth. Nathan (worried): f*ck, don't get them looking. Kyle groans in pain, as blood floods out of his wound. Nathan glances over at the bar where the two shooters are attacking Jewel. Alex runs to Nathan and Kyle. Alex: Nate, we need to help Jewel. Nathan: Right then, Kyle, find Laura stay with her. Alex: I'm gonna take the one on the guy on the left, you get the other. Nathan: Fine, let's do this. Alex and Nathan run over to the shooters, Alex strangles the one on the left, Nathan picks up and empty glass from on the bar and smacks it over the head of the remaining shooter. Jewel shakes in fear. Jewel (screaming): Please, don't kill me. Nathan: What? Nobody is getting killed, we need to get out of here. Laura and Kyle walk over, Nathan notices the blood stains in Kyle's clothes. The roof starts to crumble and collapse as Nathan, Kyle, Laura, Alex and Jewel sprint out of the building. Police are on the streets outside, fire trucks speed around. Laura: We need to get back to the hotel. Kyle: Don't you think that the hospital is more important. Nathan: Hotel? There is no hotel anymore. Nathan points at the nearby skyscraper hotel that is engulfed in flames as is most of the city. Alex: Ibarazi City is destroyed, I know a place in Glove Island we can stay. There's a boat down on the beach we can use. [start of GamePlay] Objective: Reach The Boat You take control of Nathan again, you must follow everyone to the beach, it is just behind Slacha so its only a short walk. The minimap appears onscreen like it always will as long as you are outside. Jewel: Boat! Jewel points at the fishing boat docked at a small pier on the beach. Now, you must follow everyone on to the boat. Alex: Know how to operate boats, Nate? Nathan: Sure, I'll give it a go Objective: Pilot The Boat You must now pilot the boat, the controls to use boats appear on the screen. You must pilot across the water around the coast of Ibarazi City to get to to Glove Island. Alex: Glove Island, if you can't find it, look for the mountain or just check the boat's GPS. Kyle: Hurry Nathan, I'm dying here. When you reach the pier at Glove Island, you will see a sleazy motel. Alex (to Kyle): The Glovehand Motel, my uncle runs it. He can fix your wounds. Objective: Exit The Boat You must now exit the boat and help everyone out. By now, Kyle is covered in blood and is weak. Objective: Enter Glovehand Motel Alex will lead you into the small Motel, everyone else will follow. The old man at the reception desk will run over and help Kyle into a different room, Laura will go with them. [start of CutScene] Alex: That's my uncle Len, he's a good guy. He'll fix your friend up. Nathan: Brother, Kyle's my brother. Alex: So who's that girl? Nathan (laughing): Laura, our sister, the local slag. Alex: Ha, I noticed your a friend of Jewel. Jewel blushes and giggles. Jewel (embarrassed): Maybe more. Nathan laugh and stares at Jewel. Alex takes a key off the desk and throws it to Nathan. Alex: The deluxe suite! About four beds and a couch in there, should do us for now. I'm just really f*cking annoyed, my turntables were destroyed in the collapse. Oh and this phone. Alex throws a crappy mobile phone to Nathan. Nathan: Thanks mate, I'll keep a look out for some turntables for you Alex: Custom made, in a lab in the desert. Real high tech, you used them, you know how awesome they are. Nathan: Oh, there’ll be more another day, I'll go check out the room. Coming Jewel? Jewel (excited): Quickie? Nathan (laughing): Let's just get to the suite first, eh? The radio comes on, an emergency broadcast is heard. Reporter: Breaking News! The world famous Slacha nightclub has been destroyed, as has the Hotel Djorga and the new Ibarazi City Studio Apartments. This is thought to have been caused by a group of terrorist, access to and from other cities is banned until the threat is neutralized. All bridges in the Avalon State are closed and boat and air traffic will be shot down instantly by the military. Thanks for tuning in, Kingtime News. [start of GamePlay] You will now take control of Nathan again. Objective: Enter The Deluxe Suite You must walk up a few flights of stairs to the top floor, where the deluxe suite is situated. Yo will automatically put the key in the door and open it.You then have to walk inside, Jewel will follow you. Objective: Sleep You must choose a bed and sleep in it, as simple as that. Mission Completed Reward: $0 Room At Glovehand Motel Unlocks: Glove Island Ability To Save By Sleeping In Beds Ability To Call Contacts Minimap Contacts: Laura MacCarthy Kyle MacCarthy Alex "DJ Noire" Sayle Jewel Springs Missions Unlocked: Killer Looks - Len Sayle Edited May 8, 2013 by VProductions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGodfather. Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 Not a bad start dude..keep it up.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyZimmzy Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 Has some legit potential. Fresh idea of doing a gamescript set with a party/rave theme with coked up (assuming) teenagers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 @arijit - Thanks, I have big plans (y) @Tony - Thanks man, I'm trying to give off the young and dumb impression of them but I think of Nathan as a hipster, Laura as a college whore and Kyle as an emo. lol. Im gonna have a new mission up in about 20 mins, just editing now. come on skype later if you get the chance (y) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 I like the balance of your writing; it's got a nice flow to it, and you describe things with just the right amount of detail for me. That said, it feels a little like you're still exploring how to construct a narrative (naturally) and so it feels like, in parts, you're going with the first idea that comes to your head, instead of really thinking about what suits the story best. The entire opening is pretty bland - until the interruption of the terrorists, of course - and doesn't do a great job of setting the scene or laying out these characters. You want to try and make them a little more distinctive; really push the theme that you're trying to get across. I get what you're going for with certain exchanges between them (the peer pressure side of it), but it's just not quite dramatic enough. I think you could say more with these characters in less time - what defining actions do they make? Obviously the very beginning is intentionally more low-key so as to give the interruption later more impact, but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't still be dramatic. It just needs to be a different kind of drama. One final point about the narrative I'd say is that, while it was exciting, the terrorist part of it felt a little... cheap, perhaps. My first thought is that it's because the actions of the characters have no say in what goes on - that is, they don't do something subtle that inadvertently leads to/helps the terrorists achieve their plot - but I don't think that's it. After all, a terrorist attack does just come out of nowhere, so to put these characters into this coincidental situation gives off a good effect. That said, in narrative terms, it just needs some foreshadowing. Something that, from the get-go, lets you know something's going to go down. Think of Die Hard - the terrorists don't just pop up out of nowhere. We track the truck, we see it go into the building, we follow them in. Before a single shot is fired, we can see that we're on a collision course, and that gets the tension flowing. A final little note on your dialogue - try not to shoehorn exposition in unnecessarily. Stuff like "seven flights of stairs. Seven! Carrying all of the bags" - he's literally recapping what they've just done, and it feels like it's more for the reader's benefit than something he'd naturally say. The same thing here: "We have only been in Avalon City for two hours..." -- people don't talk like that. They don't namedrop the location they're in; they'd just say "here". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) You have just woken up so it's time to go downstairs to find out what is going on now. You must talk to Len at the reception desk. You could also call Alex who explains that he is out and will be back soon. Killer Looks - Len [start of Cutscene] Len is typing on an old computer, he looks up at Nathan. Len: Ah, Nathaniel.... Alexander told me about you. Nathan: Erm, its Nathan. Len: Okay. Nathan: Where did everyone go? Len: Ah, at the diner over by the bridge. Nathan: Know when they're back? Len: I haven't a clue. Your brother is getting better, it is surprising how quickly he is healing. People should be in hospital for that type of wound, be he just didn't seem that bothered. Nathan: He'll be fine, just more depressed. Len: How harsh? Nathan notices that Len is looking at the bloodstains on Nathan's clothing. Nathan: I know, the blood doesn't give off the best impression, it looks gross. Len: There's a set of clothes in the wardrobe in your suite. They're extremely old so they are not at all in the fashion. [start of GamePlay] Objective: Change Your Clothing Now, you will take control of Nathan again, you must walk back up to the room. Once you enter, you must walk to the wardrobe and press the action button. From here you can choose clothing from certain sections (Shirts, Pants etc), there is only one shirt and one pair of pants available for now but there will be more soon. Choose the shirt and pants, they are named Blue Plaid Shirt and Grey Cargo Shorts. After you have them on, leave the clothing menu and exit the room. Go downstairs to find Len. [start of CutScene] Len is still bashing the old keyboard. He glances up at Nathan. Len: Ah, you look a lot better, you look like someone I used to know a long time ago, he was only young though, aged around sixteen the last time I saw him. I wonder where he is now, he could be the president for all I know. Nathan: Yeah, not exactly. Mark Millani is the president of Avalon State isn't he? Len: Why yes, he is, you cannot watch a television show without him making a broadcast. A true showoff. So, you had better go and see everyone at the diner. Nathan: Where is it? Close? Len: It is only down the road, near the closed bridge. I have a bicycle that you can take. Nathan: A bike? Len: Surely, you are starting understand my dialect by now. Nathan: Your what? Forget it, you just talk like a librarian or something. Len: What ever you say, the...bike...is behind the motel. Nathan exits the motel. [start of GamePlay] Objective: Get On The Bicycle. The minimap will appear in the bottom corner of the screen as it does whenever you are outside. You must walk around the back of the filthy looking motel and you will see a rusty bicycle next to a passed out prostitute on the floor. Nathan: OMG, this place is a mess. You must get on the bike. The driving (car/motorbike/bicycle) controls will appear onscreen now. Objective: Pedal To The Eatmore Diner You must now pedal to the Eatmore Diner which is next to the closed bridge. It is not far, probably a minute of pedalling past the forest and the mountains. When you reach the diner, you will notice it is reminiscent of a 50's style diner. You must pedal into the marker. Nathan: (laughing) Happy days are here again! [start of CutScene] Nathan walks into the diner and sees a small counter and some booths. In one of the booths, Laura and Alex and Jewel are eating burgers. Kyle has a bandage around his stomach and isn't eating, he looks more miserable than usual. Nathan: Sup everybody. Kyle: I've got a new breathing hole, how do you think I am, Nate? Nathan:(smiling) Laura rip you another asshole? Kyle: (angry) Very funny! I'm in pain, you dick! Nathan:(laughing) You'll be fine, you're a MacCarthy. Kyle: (sarcastic) Oh sorry, I thought that was just a name, not a legacy. Alex: Nathan, you must be starving. Here's five dollars, go get yourself a burger. Alex gives Nathan a five dollar note. [start of GamePlay] Objective: Purchase some food! You must walk to the counter where a fat middle-aged woman is frying burgers. The onscreen food menu appears when you reach the counter. You can buy anything with the five dollars. There is many options. - Cheezburger £1 - Dubul Cheezburger £2 - Tripul Cheezburger £3 - Mecha Cheezburger £4 Once you have chosen an option, the cook will bring it over and take the money off you. She will give you change. [start of CutScene] Nathan walks to the booth and sits down, he eats the burger quickly as everyone mutters to each other. Alex: Change? Nathan: Tight ass! Nathan hands the change to Alex. Alex: My uncle will have some odd jobs for you to do. Nathan: Okay, see you guys later. Jewel: (winking) I'll see you tonight. Laura smacks Jewel across the face. Laura: Get a grip. Nathan walks out of the diner. Mission Complete Reward: $0 Blue Plaid Shirt Grey Cargo Shorts Bicycle at Glovehand Motel Unlocks: Ability To Eat Contacts: Len Sayle Missions Unlocked: Taking Out The Trash - Len Sayle Edited May 8, 2013 by VProductions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 I like the balance of your writing; it's got a nice flow to it, and you describe things with just the right amount of detail for me. That said, it feels a little like you're still exploring how to construct a narrative (naturally) and so it feels like, in parts, you're going with the first idea that comes to your head, instead of really thinking about what suits the story best. The entire opening is pretty bland - until the interruption of the terrorists, of course - and doesn't do a great job of setting the scene or laying out these characters. You want to try and make them a little more distinctive; really push the theme that you're trying to get across. I get what you're going for with certain exchanges between them (the peer pressure side of it), but it's just not quite dramatic enough. I think you could say more with these characters in less time - what defining actions do they make? Obviously the very beginning is intentionally more low-key so as to give the interruption later more impact, but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't still be dramatic. It just needs to be a different kind of drama. One final point about the narrative I'd say is that, while it was exciting, the terrorist part of it felt a little... cheap, perhaps. My first thought is that it's because the actions of the characters have no say in what goes on - that is, they don't do something subtle that inadvertently leads to/helps the terrorists achieve their plot - but I don't think that's it. After all, a terrorist attack does just come out of nowhere, so to put these characters into this coincidental situation gives off a good effect. That said, in narrative terms, it just needs some foreshadowing. Something that, from the get-go, lets you know something's going to go down. Think of Die Hard - the terrorists don't just pop up out of nowhere. We track the truck, we see it go into the building, we follow them in. Before a single shot is fired, we can see that we're on a collision course, and that gets the tension flowing. A final little note on your dialogue - try not to shoehorn exposition in unnecessarily. Stuff like "seven flights of stairs. Seven! Carrying all of the bags" - he's literally recapping what they've just done, and it feels like it's more for the reader's benefit than something he'd naturally say. The same thing here: "We have only been in Avalon City for two hours..." -- people don't talk like that. They don't namedrop the location they're in; they'd just say "here". Wow, thanks man (y) I'm probably gonna go back and edit sometime soon, I have a quite a few mistakes looking back now lol. I wanted to try to make the "terrorist" attack as surprising as possible, hence no indications, but everything in the story will be used later in gameplay, without dropping too many spoilers, the guy who tried to fingerblast Laura will return for revenge. Also, I say "terrorist" because they might not be terrorists I'm gonna remove the exposition in the missions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 [i know you've not had time to really digest anything I said as this was obviously written before my reply, but I just want to make a further point based on how you're handling things thus far ] Again, what I want to ask here is: where is the narrative? What story are you telling? Nathan's our main character, but what's his goal? What's he trying to accomplish? I know this is a gamescript/concept thing or whatever, so you're currently basically going through the whole tutorial rigmarole... frankly I don't see the point. All of these actions are throwaway; they're not contributing to the story. And that, at the end of the day, is what you're doing. You're telling a story. You should be looking to get into the meat of your narrative as soon as possible; not after wading through these nonevents. If you insist on following the whole gamescript logic, that's fine, but think about it: the best tutorial's find a way to integrate themselves into the story. Either that or they're really interesting scenarios in and of themselves. This, so far, is just a bland day in the life. If you have a story to tell, tell it, before we lose interest! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 Again, what I want to ask here is: where is the narrative? What story are you telling? Nathan's our main character, but what's his goal? What's he trying to accomplish? Survival, Nathan has to do what he has to do, to keep his family and friends alive in a confusing city. I know this is a gamescript/concept thing or whatever, so you're currently basically going through the whole tutorial rigmarole... frankly I don't see the point. All of these actions are throwaway; they're not contributing to the story. And that, at the end of the day, is what you're doing. You're telling a story. Thats a great point, I'll edit them out in the edit You should be looking to get into the meat of your narrative as soon as possible; not after wading through these nonevents. If you insist on following the whole gamescript logic, that's fine, but think about it: the best tutorial's find a way to integrate themselves into the story. Either that or they're really interesting scenarios in and of themselves. Dont worry, another mission or two and Nathan will make his first kill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master of San Andreas Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) VPro I suggest you make a your text neater like this: CUTSCENE <text> Gameplay <text> Mission Passed +$250! Also there is no need to say 'End of Cutscene'. Also Tony's earlier Heart City scripts had Radio Stations and maps because there was no GTA Series Chat section back in 2007, So all writers posted Concepts here. Edited May 3, 2013 by Master of San Andreas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 3, 2013 Author Share Posted May 3, 2013 VPro I suggest you make a your text neater like this: CUTSCENE <text> Gameplay <text> Mission Passed +$250! Also there is no need to say 'End of Cutscene'. Also Tony's earlier Heart City scripts had Radio Stations and maps because there was no GTA Series Chat section back in 2007, So all writers posted Concepts here. Thanks for the advice, I changed the text to make it easier to read, it should look better now. I left the mission passed part as it is, simply because it has more detail to what is unlocked. Also I added Radio Stations and Maps to help define the universe that the game is set in, I'm gonna get around to a locations section later, showing the locations that are used ingame but as photos from irl. If you know what I mean lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 3, 2013 Author Share Posted May 3, 2013 You have just left the diner, you will receive a phonecall from Len. Len (OS): Nathaniel, quickly get back the motel. I have some trouble. Nathan: It's Nathan! You hang up and puts the phone away. You must get back on the bicycle and pedal to the hotel. You must enters the motel, then the mission starts! Taking Out The Trash - Len [start of CutScene] Nathan enters the motel to find Len and a tall black man looking worried. Len: Nathaniel, this gentleman is named Brady, he trades in erotic favors. Nathan: (annoyed) NATHAN! Wait, you mean a pimp. Brady: 'Course he does Nathan: Aw, dammit. What does this have to do with me? Len: We simply thought you could help our situation. Brady: Aight, this hoe o' mine got shot up. Found the body down by the woods, loaded it in mah trunk. See the prob' is, now I've got da hoe in my trunk and them cops followin' me. Len: It would help if you could possibly destroy the vehicle. Brady: Dis nigguh here tryin' to say, we need a guy to dump dis car in the sea. Found a ramp you could use, would of done it myself but this nigguh got too much 'tention from da A-S-P-D. Nathan: I'll do it, just give me a few minutes. Brady: Dat lowrider's out back, make it swim nigguh! [start of GamePlay] You now take control of Nathan again, exit the motel. Objective: Enter The Car You must walk to behind the hotel to where the passed out prostitute from earlier remains on the floor. The green lowrider car will be there. Enter it and the radio will turn on automatically, for now it will be set on Kingtime News until the broadcast is over, then you can change the station to what ever you want. News Reader: This is an emergency announcement, the police are searching Glove Island for the missing Gloria Spedway, it is unknown if she is alive. The police are performing random trunk checks around Glove Island now. Objective: Reach The Ramp You must drive past the diner and the bridge to get to the ramp. Before you get to the ramp, there is a police roadblock. Objective: Stop At The Roadblock You must slow down and stop before reach the roadblock. Once you get there, the cop there will walk to the car Cop: Im just gonna do a quick sea- [start of CutScene] As the cop gets closer to Nathan, Nathan speeds away leaving the cop in a trail of smoke. The cop gets in his car quickly while Nathan continues to drive away, the cop follows and turns the sirens on. [start of GamePlay] You will take control of Nathan again, you have a one badge wanted level for the first time. Don't let the cop bash the boot as the prostitute will fall out or you will fail the mission. Objective: Escape The Police To loose the wanted level, you must keep the cop far away from you for a short while. Objective: Reach The Ramp You must drive to the marker on the north of the island where there is a wooden board placed as a ramp over the half meter high barrier around Glove Island. Objective: Bail And Dump The Car In The Sea You must drive up the ramp and bail before the car leaves the ramp, it will land in the sea and sink immediately. [start of CutScene] Nathan gets up off the floor and brushes the dirt from his clothing. He looks at the sunk car over the barrier and shrugs. Police sirens can be heard in the distance. Mission Completed Rewards: $100 Unlocks: Nothing Contacts: Brady Mission Unlocks: All That Glitters Is Not Scarlet - Brady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 6, 2013 Author Share Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) You're still over by the ramp, you will recieve a voicemail from Brady, open it. Brady (OS): Sup c*nt? Got some work for a nigguh down at the motel, getcha ass down der. So run back down to the motel and walk into the marker outside. All That Glitters Is Not Scarlet - Brady [start of CutScene] Brady is sat on his own, looking miserable. He notices Nathan then smiles. Brady: Listen c*nt.. Brady stands up and puts his hand on Nathans shoulder. Brady: One o' mah hoes, Scarlet, needs takin' to her customer down in the woods. Creepy c*nt, think dat nigguhs an inbred motherf*cker. She's in the car out back, hurry the f*ck up. Nathan: Am I gonna get paid for th- Brady: Nigguh, get the f*ck out! Brady pushes Nathan out the door. [start of GamePlay] Objective: Get in the car! You must walk to behind the motel to get in the car, the prostitute that you kept seeing earlier (in the other missions) is inside the car. [start of CutScene] Prostitute: I hope you're paying. The name's Scarlet. Scarlet lights a cigarette and puts it out on her wrist. She squeals and orgasms as the cigarette burns her. Scarlet: (squealing) Ahhh, f*ck me hard. She closes her eyes in pleasure as she shoves her fingers up her skirt. Nathan: Don't, don't touch me please. Please.... [start of GamePlay] Objective: Take Scarlet To The Customer You must drive Scarlet to the cabin in the woods, its not that far. Once you get there after the awkward silence in the car, the inbred man will walk out of the cabin. [start of CutScene] The inbred customer utters something that cant be understood as he has a messed up voice after all those generations of inbreeding, he limps over and uses his crooked hand to grab Scarlet, he drags her away while sniffing her scruffy ginger hair and sucking his snapped and dislocated thumb. He pins her against the wall of the cabin and rips her skirt off, he bites her neck and snaps her left arm. She cries. Scarlet: Help me, please. He takes out a knife and slices one of her fingers off. She screams. Nathan runs over and tackles the inbred to the ground. Inbred: Ughhshuuurhshshhsururuurusurhrhs. The inbred gets up and comes at Nathan with a knife. Scarlet sits on the floor crying, her right hand dripping with blood and her left arm contorted and crushed into a bow like shape. [start of GamePlay] Objective: Fight The Inbred You must fight the inbred, who is trying to kill you with a knife. You punch him and throw him to the ground a few times until he passes out and drops the knife. [start of CutScene] Nathan takes the knife and repeatedly shoves it into the disgusting head of the inbred. Scarlet strokes her vagina with the cut off finger which is now showing as she is skirtless and knickerless. She gets up and walks over to Nathan. Nathan: I'll take you back to the motel, Len can sort out your injuries. Scarlet: f*ck me first. Nathan: You.. are worse than Jewel. Scarlet: You're my hero. [start of GamePlay] Objective: Drive Scarlet Back To The Motel You must now drive Scarlet back to the motel, once you get there, get out of the car and enter the motel. Scarlet will follow. [start of CutScene] Brady and Len are inside the motel. They notice Nathan and Scarlet are there. Brady: f*ck nigguh, what did you do t' my hoe. She's f*cked up. Lenny, fix this c*nt. Len takes Scarlet into the other room. While Nathan and Brady remain at the reception desk. Brady: c*nt, she better not be dead. Brady points his finger at Nathan. Nathan: The inbred, he hurt her. I.... I killed him... Brady: Good f*cking job, I would smash dat nigguhs skull in. Nathan: So am I getting paid? Brady: Yeah Mission Complete Reward: $500 Unlocks: Nothing Mission Unlocks: In Too Deep - Nathan MacCarthy (autostart) Edited May 6, 2013 by VProductions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyZimmzy Posted May 6, 2013 Share Posted May 6, 2013 LOL @ repeated head stabbing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GunWrath Posted May 6, 2013 Share Posted May 6, 2013 What did I just read? Only thing that stood out was inbred. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 6, 2013 Author Share Posted May 6, 2013 What did I just read? Only thing that stood out was inbred. LOL Don GW, I think that say some thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 9, 2013 Author Share Posted May 9, 2013 Now you are stood in the reception desk, the screen will go blurred. This mission will autostart. In Too Deep - Automatically Starts [start of CutScene] Len and Scarlet are gone now, Nathan is alone in the hotel. The screen continues to blur. Nathan: What have I done? He falls to the floor holding his head. Nathan: I killed somebody. He hears a female voice. Voice: You're on your way. Nathan: What!? What the f*ck? Voice: The Avalon State is nothing as it seems. Nathan: Who are you, where are you? What the f*ck is going on? Voice: You can't know yet, just know that this city is not how it appears. The further into your journey you go, the more you will discover. Nathan: Leave me alone! Nathan clutches his head. Voice: A hacker named K-one-eran will find you, you can't let him find you. If he finds you, the world will end. I will destroy it myself, he cannot gain control of the Avalon State Nathan: Stop, go away! Voice: Alex can guide you, trust him. Don't trust Len. Nathan: Len? What is so bad about Len. Voice: He is a very bad man Nathan: What? The voice starts to fade. Voice: I am trying to tell you, he is a - The voice stops Nathan: Tell me! Nathan takes his hands off his head and rises to his feet. Nathan: The f*ck just happened? Alex walks down the stairs. Alex: Hey Nath. Nathan: Hi Alex. I think we need to hang out some more. Alex: Sure, we can go for a drink down at the diner. Nathan: Great. Alex: You have a bike right? Nathan: Yeah, why? Alex: Race? Nathan: Let's do it. Alex walks out of the motel while Nathan slowly does a 360 degrees spin. Nathan: Happy now? Weird voice? Nathan walks out and sits his bicycle outside where Scarlet is lay in the dumpster. Nathan: Are you okay now? Scarlet: Shh, dont tell Brady where I am. Scarlet burns her arm with a cigarette. Alex pedals his bike past. Alex: Go! [start of GamePlay] Objective: Race Alex To The Diner You must race against Alex to get to the diner, it doesn't matter if you win or not, aslong as you get there. Stop next to Alex outside the diner and get off the bike. [start of CutScene] Alex gets off the bike and leads Nathan into the diner. Nathan and Alex sit down inside a booth near the window. Nathan: I...I did something bad. Alex: First kill? Nathan: How did you know? Alex: I know people... Nathan: Wait, first? Alex: Listen, The people I know, they are bad people. They can help fund you and your family. You just need to do some favors for them. Nathan: I heard...A voice. Alex: sh*t, that's not good! Nathan looks confused. Alex: The only person who can control the voice is Terra. Nathan: Terra? Alex: Some say she is the ultimate hacker, some say she can destroy the world with the touch of a button. I believe both. She spoke to me, she warned me. Listen, the world will be destroyed if we don't do something, She won't be happy is Kieran takes over. Me and my contacts can help you save the universe, this is serious. The only problem is, the more chaos you cause, the quicker Kieran can find you. Which, could be a good or bad thing. I'm not sure. Nathan: K-one-eran? Alex: Yeah, its pronounced Kieran for simplicity. He is the only one worthy of battling Terra. The only problem is, she can't defend herself, she is weak. All of this is thought to be a myth, but now she has spoken to you, you might understand. Terra gifted me with the turntables, they were mystical, magical in a sense. Losing them in the nightclub made me feel...clean. Their power led me to become the best DJ, without them I'm just a novice. But the power of them was making me feel dirty. Nathan: These friends of your's, how do they help me save the world. Alex: Let's not rush just yet, you will need to gain their trust. Which also gives them time to plan. The contacts are an organization, they protect the state whilst still making money and killing. Bad people with a big enough bank account to bribe the law. Nathan: I want their trust! I think they could be help to us. Alex: Right then, I had a chat with the boss earlier, he wants the trailer park feud over in Traxas City gone. He orders you to infiltrate the two rival gangs. Only then he will trust you. Nathan: But aren't the bridges closed? Alex signals the fat middle-aged woman to bring drinks over. Alex: My contacts will sort that out. The woman brings two glasses of cola over. Nathan and Alex drink them almost instantly. Nathan: And here I was, thinking you was just a DJ! Alex: Knowing these people doesn't make me one of them. I ain't, I'm just a normal person if you can define that. Even more normal now I don't have the turntables. Well, I need to go back to the motel. I think Brady needs you, meet him at that cabin in the woods. Nathan: I physically don't know if I can, the memories might come back. Alex: Just do it! Alex walks out of the diner as Nathan stands up. Mission Complete Reward: $100 Unlocks: Nothing Missions Unlocked: Scar Trek - Brady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) Now, you are stood outside the diner, get back on the bicycle and pedal up to the cabin in the woods. Walk inside and you will see Brady sitting at a wooden table next to Scarlet who is still looking a mess (with a missing finger, a fractured arm and various cigarrette burns). The mission will then start. Scar Trek - Brady [start of CutScene] Brady: Sup c*nt? I want you ta do suttin' fo' me! Brady looks at Scarlet and points at the cabin door, Scarlet limps outside. Brady: This bitch, she ain't gettin' me no money. Ain't nobody wanna f*ck a painlovin' hoe, 'cept them nigguhs down at the kink bar but the bridge is shut so no gangbangin' fo' dem. Deal wit' her, take her up Mount Glove and pop a cap in that hoe. Brady throws a pistol and car keys to Nathan. Nathan walks outside where he gets in Brady's SUV. Scarlet gets in. [start of GamePlay] Objective: Take Scarlet To The Peak Of Mount Glove You have to drive to the peak of Mount Glove, its quite a long drive with a lot of twists and turns. Scarlet remains silent for the whole journey. Drive into the marker when you get up there. It is a rather small peak that is empty and is covered in stones. [start of CutScene] Nathan steps out of the car and Scarlet slowly follows. Scarlet: What's happening? Nathan: I'm sorry. Nathan holds the gun to Scarlets head. Scarlet: No! Scarlet smacks the gun out of Nathan's hand. She throws him to the ground and picks the gun up, she points it at him. Just as she is about to shoot him, a white unicorn covered in glitter dashes out from out of nowhere and impales Scarlet on its horn. Nathan holds his hands on his head, the voice is back. Terra: Nath, thank me later. Ride the unicorn to Alex at the motel, don't let anyone see you. [start of GamePlay] Objective: Mount The Unicorn You must get up and climb onto the unicorn which shakes Scarlet's body off its horn. The unicorn starts to run. Nathan: Whoa, slow down. Objective: Ride The Unicorn To The Motel You must ride the unicorn down to the motel which is quite far away but the unicorn runs faster than a car so it should get you there quickly. Once you get there, ride the unicorn around the back where Scarlet used to stay. Alex will run out. [start of CutScene] The unicorn makes a high pitch squealing noise as Nathan climbs off Alex leads it into a shed. Len watches silently from the roof. He takes out an old mobile phone that is the size of a brick and holds it to his ear. Len (worried): Terra's plan is working. Nathan walks away, not hearing what Len said. Mission Complete Reward: $1000 Mission Unlocks: So Horny - Alex Edited May 23, 2013 by VProductions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VProductions Posted June 7, 2013 Author Share Posted June 7, 2013 Cancelled . I have loads of reasons to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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