The Writers' Room

[MacAshford]

I'm in UK, thats GMT time. Are you easily offended, or offended by anything at all? I'm not sure what people will be saying in there. PM me if you're still interested..

[Pooka Mustard]

Nah... as long as you don't offend me that is. Maybe we can even engage in private chats regarding other things (such as stories and gaming, right?)

[MacAshford]

Sure, I'll add you in the morning (y)

[TonyZimmzy]

This started cracking me up towards the end. Wish it'd lasted longer. Fyi, I'm Lochness Monster and Vice President is, well, Vice President.

 

 

[02:49:29] Antagonista: Who is this? lol

[02:49:34] Antagonista: I'm from New York you noob

 

[02:49:47] Lochness Monster: takes a big man to call another person a noob

[02:49:49] Lochness Monster: i respect that

 

[02:50:13] Vice President: Foley, the kirsty lookalike is from WD

[02:50:17] Vice President: guess

 

[02:50:25] Antagonista: -.-

[02:50:27] Antagonista: I don't visit WD

[02:50:30] Antagonista: You know that

[02:50:34] Antagonista: It's GTA-King

 

[02:50:36] Vice President: you know some people though

 

[02:50:44] Antagonista: key word: some

 

[02:50:47] Lochness Monster: i wish i was gta-king

 

[02:50:50] Vice President: ^ no

 

[02:50:53] Antagonista: LOL

 

[02:50:54] Vice President: who wants to be him

 

[02:50:56] Antagonista: Is it Ziggy?

[02:50:58] Antagonista: idk

 

[02:51:00] Vice President: no but close

 

[02:51:08] Antagonista: Morkie dela or w/e

 

[02:51:11] Lochness Monster: yep

 

[02:51:14] Vice President: yep

 

[02:51:14] Lochness Monster: it's me, mokrie

 

[02:51:18] Antagonista: LOL

 

[02:51:35] Lochness Monster: i'm a big black jamaican guy and i'm here to entangle your sister in a web of lies and jizz

 

[02:51:38] Vice President: lol

 

[02:51:41] Antagonista: lmao

[02:51:48] Antagonista: Is it tycek

 

[02:51:51] Vice President: no

 

[02:51:54] Antagonista: f*ck me

[02:51:56] Antagonista: i give up

[02:52:00] Antagonista: Hi, I'm Antagonista

 

[02:52:04] Vice President: you are missing the point

[02:52:10] Vice President: He knows you nick

 

[02:52:15] Antagonista: wot m8

 

[02:52:16] Vice President: you know him

 

[02:52:42] Lochness Monster: i have a rash and it involves both of you

 

[02:52:46] Vice President: lel

 

[02:52:46] Antagonista: oll

[02:53:03] Antagonista: Who is this like really

 

[02:53:12] Lochness Monster: told you, mokrie

 

[02:53:19] Antagonista: i DONNT EVEN TALK TO MORKIE

[02:53:25] Antagonista: IS IT YOU

 

[02:53:34] Lochness Monster: hence why you didn't have me added on skype you monster

 

[02:53:36] Antagonista: Okay, when was the last time I talked to this person?

 

[02:53:48] Vice President: on facebook when Ryder wrote the bible

[02:53:56] Vice President: I mean Sweet

 

[02:54:05] Lochness Monster: you don't speak to me, for i am the lochness monster

 

[02:54:11] Antagonista: Who.

[02:54:12] Antagonista: Is.

[02:54:13] Antagonista: This.

[02:54:20] Antagonista: I'm willing to call police if you don't confess

[02:54:27] Antagonista: IM BAD AT GUESSING GAMES

 

[02:54:33] Lochness Monster: i'd love that scenario

 

[02:54:36] Vice President: You missed out one of the most famous people in WD

 

[02:54:40] Antagonista: WHOO????

 

[02:54:43] Vice President: think

 

[02:54:47] Lochness Monster: roberto garcia

[02:54:51] Lochness Monster: aka cubanwhip

[02:54:53] Lochness Monster: in the doughy flesh

 

[02:54:58 Vice President: his name is roberto?

 

[02:55:03] Antagonista: Eminence

 

[02:55:09] Vice President: close

 

[02:55:11] Lochness Monster: you didn't know cubanwhip's name? you monster

 

[02:55:11] Antagonista: omfg

[02:55:13] Antagonista: im done

 

[02:55:38] Vice President: Foley, you have named everyone in WD except this guy

 

[02:55:45] Antagonista: -.-

[02:55:50] Antagonista: I have to make GFX

[02:55:51] Antagonista: so brb

 

[02:55:57] Vice President: You cant know, its his LEGACY

 

[02:56:02] Lochness Monster: i'm that guy...that posted the new vice city story with the cruise ship

 

[02:56:06] Vice President: f*cking click on WD

 

[02:56:14] Lochness Monster: you know...me...arbistara or...whatever...me

[02:56:40] Lochness Monster: i bump up 8 year old topics cause i'm a chill dawg

 

[02:56:45] Antagonista: Idk u

[02:56:50] Antagonista: I dont know most of the people in WD

[02:56:52] Antagonista: so forgive me

 

[02:58:01] Lochness Monster: you are forgiven, my child

[02:58:10] Lochness Monster: for i, saltinespike, forgive and forget

 

[02:58:50] Vice President: Foley, check my respect list

 

[02:59:07] Antagonista: I CANT

[02:59:08] Antagonista: OMG

[02:59:15] Antagonista: I'm building a god damn gang page

[02:59:18] Antagonista: and its pissing me off

 

[02:59:27] Lochness Monster: i read that as gang rape. i am disappoint

 

[02:59:29] Vice President: we should just tell him

 

[02:59:53] Lochness Monster: i may put that in my next poem. look for it in /wd/. "seeking the lord," by coat.

 

[02:59:59] Vice President: lel

[Flachbau]

This started cracking me up towards the end. Wish it'd lasted longer. Fyi, I'm Lochness Monster and Vice President is, well, Vice President.

 

 

[02:49:29] Antagonista: Who is this? lol

[02:49:34] Antagonista: I'm from New York you noob

 

[02:49:47] Lochness Monster: takes a big man to call another person a noob

[02:49:49] Lochness Monster: i respect that

 

[02:50:13] Vice President: Foley, the kirsty lookalike is from WD

[02:50:17] Vice President: guess

 

[02:50:25] Antagonista: -.-

[02:50:27] Antagonista: I don't visit WD

[02:50:30] Antagonista: You know that

[02:50:34] Antagonista: It's GTA-King

 

[02:50:36] Vice President: you know some people though

 

[02:50:44] Antagonista: key word: some

 

[02:50:47] Lochness Monster: i wish i was gta-king

 

[02:50:50] Vice President: ^ no

 

[02:50:53] Antagonista: LOL

 

[02:50:54] Vice President: who wants to be him

 

[02:50:56] Antagonista: Is it Ziggy?

[02:50:58] Antagonista: idk

 

[02:51:00] Vice President: no but close

 

[02:51:08] Antagonista: Morkie dela or w/e

 

[02:51:11] Lochness Monster: yep

 

[02:51:14] Vice President: yep

 

[02:51:14] Lochness Monster: it's me, mokrie

 

[02:51:18] Antagonista: LOL

 

[02:51:35] Lochness Monster: i'm a big black jamaican guy and i'm here to entangle your sister in a web of lies and jizz

 

[02:51:38] Vice President: lol

 

[02:51:41] Antagonista: lmao

[02:51:48] Antagonista: Is it tycek

 

[02:51:51] Vice President: no

 

[02:51:54] Antagonista: f*ck me

[02:51:56] Antagonista: i give up

[02:52:00] Antagonista: Hi, I'm Antagonista

 

[02:52:04] Vice President: you are missing the point

[02:52:10] Vice President: He knows you nick

 

[02:52:15] Antagonista: wot m8

 

[02:52:16] Vice President: you know him

 

[02:52:42] Lochness Monster: i have a rash and it involves both of you

 

[02:52:46] Vice President: lel

 

[02:52:46] Antagonista: oll

[02:53:03] Antagonista: Who is this like really

 

[02:53:12] Lochness Monster: told you, mokrie

 

[02:53:19] Antagonista: i DONNT EVEN TALK TO MORKIE

[02:53:25] Antagonista: IS IT YOU

 

[02:53:34] Lochness Monster: hence why you didn't have me added on skype you monster

 

[02:53:36] Antagonista: Okay, when was the last time I talked to this person?

 

[02:53:48] Vice President: on facebook when Ryder wrote the bible

[02:53:56] Vice President: I mean Sweet

 

[02:54:05] Lochness Monster: you don't speak to me, for i am the lochness monster

 

[02:54:11] Antagonista: Who.

[02:54:12] Antagonista: Is.

[02:54:13] Antagonista: This.

[02:54:20] Antagonista: I'm willing to call police if you don't confess

[02:54:27] Antagonista: IM BAD AT GUESSING GAMES

 

[02:54:33] Lochness Monster: i'd love that scenario

 

[02:54:36] Vice President: You missed out one of the most famous people in WD

 

[02:54:40] Antagonista: WHOO????

 

[02:54:43] Vice President: think

 

[02:54:47] Lochness Monster: roberto garcia

[02:54:51] Lochness Monster: aka cubanwhip

[02:54:53] Lochness Monster: in the doughy flesh

 

[02:54:58 Vice President: his name is roberto?

 

[02:55:03] Antagonista: Eminence

 

[02:55:09] Vice President: close

 

[02:55:11] Lochness Monster: you didn't know cubanwhip's name? you monster

 

[02:55:11] Antagonista: omfg

[02:55:13] Antagonista: im done

 

[02:55:38] Vice President: Foley, you have named everyone in WD except this guy

 

[02:55:45] Antagonista: -.-

[02:55:50] Antagonista: I have to make GFX

[02:55:51] Antagonista: so brb

 

[02:55:57] Vice President: You cant know, its his LEGACY

 

[02:56:02] Lochness Monster: i'm that guy...that posted the new vice city story with the cruise ship

 

[02:56:06] Vice President: f*cking click on WD

 

[02:56:14] Lochness Monster: you know...me...arbistara or...whatever...me

[02:56:40] Lochness Monster: i bump up 8 year old topics cause i'm a chill dawg

 

[02:56:45] Antagonista: Idk u

[02:56:50] Antagonista: I dont know most of the people in WD

[02:56:52] Antagonista: so forgive me

 

[02:58:01] Lochness Monster: you are forgiven, my child

[02:58:10] Lochness Monster: for i, saltinespike, forgive and forget

 

[02:58:50] Vice President: Foley, check my respect list

 

[02:59:07] Antagonista: I CANT

[02:59:08] Antagonista: OMG

[02:59:15] Antagonista: I'm building a god damn gang page

[02:59:18] Antagonista: and its pissing me off

 

[02:59:27] Lochness Monster: i read that as gang rape. i am disappoint

 

[02:59:29] Vice President: we should just tell him

 

[02:59:53] Lochness Monster: i may put that in my next poem. look for it in /wd/. "seeking the lord," by coat.

 

[02:59:59] Vice President: lel

and well, I'm Antagonista...

[MacAshford]

[02:51:35] Lochness Monster: i'm a big black jamaican guy and i'm here to entangle your sister in a web of lies and jizz

 

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

[02:59:27] Lochness Monster: i read that as gang rape. i am disappoint

 

The two best quotes ever wrote!

[TonyZimmzy]

and well, I'm Antagonista...

F*ck you.

[Acehilm]

 

[02:59:53] Lochness Monster: i may put that in my next poem. look for it in /wd/. "seeking the lord," by coat.

 

What is this sh*t?

[TonyZimmzy]

Aww. So many people didn't get it. He couldn't figure out who I was on a Skype chat, so I just kept running through members' names and what they usually post on here, hoping he'd think I was one of them.

[Mokrie Dela]

[02:59:53] Lochness Monster: i may put that in my next poem. look for it in /wd/. "seeking the lord," by coat.

 

What is this sh*t?

f*ck me coat, your sig...

 

I so want an uncensored version!

[MacAshford]

Ahhh, last night was awesome on Skype...

[Ziggy455]

Here's a little sneak-peak at URA Redemptio, revised edition. It's still being rewrote but I'd like to show it's not all talk:

 

 

Rose Jensen watched the mechanical beast as it let out metallic roars that gently filtered through the layers surrounding the bridge. Like a boat near a whale; eerie calls would come from the huge monstrosity and its crew could only look into the darkness to find the call. As Rose leaned on the banister of the bridge’s east observational window, the sound of heavy boots approaching came close.

 

“Do you believe this is it?” she asked as she turned to face the man in black overalls; his white wispy hair bouncing off in all directions. The man was old, yet seemed to have the vigour of a small child. This was Father Milt Horrigan; advisor of the United Church. One of the three musketeers, Rose thought as she leaned back.

 

“From the moment that we saw it against Pluto, there was no doubt in my mind,” he said as he leaned onto the railing himself. He looked up at the ship; the rest of it disappearing upwards out of view. His dark blue eyes, sunken against his skinny face, looked up with an expression of distrust.

 

“How strange can it be to find this out here? We go looking for a pearl, we find a ruby instead.”

 

Horrigan’s eyes went back to her, as if with a snap of curiosity. “Young Jensen, this ship is most certainly not a ruby,” he said as he crossed his arms. The priest’s uniform was always strange; black overalls, dark gloves, and only the head to show that a human remained underneath all that black. Milt did not look like he could walk around in those boots all day, but he did so for the entire four day journey it had taken from Delta Forty Five to Neptune, then back to Pluto. His age was never brought up, but Jensen always wondered if he was seventy or more.

 

Anybody got anything on their hands for WD lately?

[Acehilm]

 

Anybody got anything on their hands for WD lately?

 

I'm in the process of finishing Peasant Blurs, chapter 11. I'm going to give it a good run over for errors and what not.

 

Nice piece you wrote. I need to add more description into my chapters just like you did with that piece.

 

[MacAshford]

Here's a little sneak-peak at URA Redemptio, revised edition. It's still being rewrote but I'd like to show it's not all talk:

 

 

Rose Jensen watched the mechanical beast as it let out metallic roars that gently filtered through the layers surrounding the bridge. Like a boat near a whale; eerie calls would come from the huge monstrosity and its crew could only look into the darkness to find the call. As Rose leaned on the banister of the bridge’s east observational window, the sound of heavy boots approaching came close.

 

“Do you believe this is it?” she asked as she turned to face the man in black overalls; his white wispy hair bouncing off in all directions. The man was old, yet seemed to have the vigour of a small child. This was Father Milt Horrigan; advisor of the United Church. One of the three musketeers, Rose thought as she leaned back.

 

“From the moment that we saw it against Pluto, there was no doubt in my mind,” he said as he leaned onto the railing himself. He looked up at the ship; the rest of it disappearing upwards out of view. His dark blue eyes, sunken against his skinny face, looked up with an expression of distrust.

 

“How strange can it be to find this out here? We go looking for a pearl, we find a ruby instead.”

 

Horrigan’s eyes went back to her, as if with a snap of curiosity. “Young Jensen, this ship is most certainly not a ruby,” he said as he crossed his arms. The priest’s uniform was always strange; black overalls, dark gloves, and only the head to show that a human remained underneath all that black. Milt did not look like he could walk around in those boots all day, but he did so for the entire four day journey it had taken from Delta Forty Five to Neptune, then back to Pluto. His age was never brought up, but Jensen always wondered if he was seventy or more.

 

Anybody got anything on their hands for WD lately?

Looking good man, so are you gonna upload the whole thing once it's done?

 

I'm gonna get a couple of missions done and uploaded over the weekend for Project Avalon and get the character post sorted out. Maybe turn the radio playlist into youtube links.

[Ziggy455]

Here's a little sneak-peak at URA Redemptio, revised edition. It's still being rewrote but I'd like to show it's not all talk:

 

 

Rose Jensen watched the mechanical beast as it let out metallic roars that gently filtered through the layers surrounding the bridge. Like a boat near a whale; eerie calls would come from the huge monstrosity and its crew could only look into the darkness to find the call. As Rose leaned on the banister of the bridge’s east observational window, the sound of heavy boots approaching came close.

 

“Do you believe this is it?” she asked as she turned to face the man in black overalls; his white wispy hair bouncing off in all directions. The man was old, yet seemed to have the vigour of a small child. This was Father Milt Horrigan; advisor of the United Church. One of the three musketeers, Rose thought as she leaned back.

 

“From the moment that we saw it against Pluto, there was no doubt in my mind,” he said as he leaned onto the railing himself. He looked up at the ship; the rest of it disappearing upwards out of view. His dark blue eyes, sunken against his skinny face, looked up with an expression of distrust.

 

“How strange can it be to find this out here? We go looking for a pearl, we find a ruby instead.”

 

Horrigan’s eyes went back to her, as if with a snap of curiosity. “Young Jensen, this ship is most certainly not a ruby,” he said as he crossed his arms. The priest’s uniform was always strange; black overalls, dark gloves, and only the head to show that a human remained underneath all that black. Milt did not look like he could walk around in those boots all day, but he did so for the entire four day journey it had taken from Delta Forty Five to Neptune, then back to Pluto. His age was never brought up, but Jensen always wondered if he was seventy or more.

 

Anybody got anything on their hands for WD lately?

Looking good man, so are you gonna upload the whole thing once it's done?

 

I'm gonna get a couple of missions done and uploaded over the weekend for Project Avalon and get the character post sorted out. Maybe turn the radio playlist into youtube links.

I'm thinking of sending it away to a magazine, but I'm sure I can upload it. Unless it's not permitted. I've cut it all down and re-written alot of it; I'd say I've pretty much scrapped the first draft and started again with more of a pace in mind. There's less characters but more depth with them. Once I've gotten it to a point where I like the presentation, pace, and content, I'll probably put it up in three parts under a different title.

[MacAshford]

 

I'm thinking of sending it away to a magazine, but I'm sure I can upload it. Unless it's not permitted. I've cut it all down and re-written alot of it; I'd say I've pretty much scrapped the first draft and started again with more of a pace in mind. There's less characters but more depth with them. Once I've gotten it to a point where I like the presentation, pace, and content, I'll probably put it up in three parts under a different title.

If you're not allowed then just wait until the next issue is out then post it, pepole don't buy old issues, I don't think. What pace?

[Ziggy455]

I'm thinking of sending it away to a magazine, but I'm sure I can upload it. Unless it's not permitted. I've cut it all down and re-written alot of it; I'd say I've pretty much scrapped the first draft and started again with more of a pace in mind. There's less characters but more depth with them. Once I've gotten it to a point where I like the presentation, pace, and content, I'll probably put it up in three parts under a different title.

If you're not allowed then just wait until the next issue is out then post it, pepole don't buy old issues, I don't think. What pace?

Well, I wanted the short story to fit around 9,000 words. My first draft was at 15,000 words. I realized I filled the story with pointless piles of dialogue that didn't help, and I elongated scenes too much. My initial second draft seems much better. I'm halfway through at 4,000 words, and I'm liking the way the story is going. The pace feels much better as opposed to my first draft.

[MacAshford]

Like you said, first draft is for your eyes only... unless you want to share

[TonyZimmzy]

Welp, after listening to some responses of people on the forum regarding the Heart City re-write and to change the location, I decided to. It's coming along nicely. I plan on making that my main writing focus over the rest of the year, intending to get it as perfect as perfect can be in my eyes. No sequels, prequels, spin-offs, nothing. Just this story and that's that.

 

In regards to when I start posting it, I can't imagine it'll be too far down the line.

 

It's titled Silver City: The Story of Cooper Hayle. It'll be set in Brazil - the city based heavily on Rio de Janeiro. It'll be entirely script-based like my old stories. I was originally gonna do a story I started working on about five years ago, which involved several islands, but I think it'd be overkill for this story.

 

And, well, at least I'm not dead.

[MacAshford]

And, well, at least I'm not dead.

VP loads his shotgun..... seriously though, best of luck with this

[Eminence]

Are you looking for feedback on that excerpt Zigs or were you just posting a teaser?

[Ziggy455]

Are you looking for feedback on that excerpt Zigs or were you just posting a teaser?

Both really. I'd like you to give me more than the generic replies most get. I'm sure I've earned some hardcore opinionated criticism. I'd like to know what you think to the style, is it too bland? Is it too-detailed?

 

 

[Eminence]

For me, it's both at once. There's unnecessary detail in parts, but the prose itself is very bland: there's no sense of style or character coming through. It's all very matter of fact, but not in a precise, sparse, minimalistic way. There's just not a lot to it.

 

In more detail:

 

 

Rose Jensen watched the mechanical beast as it let out metallic roars that gently filtered through the layers surrounding the bridge. Like a boat near a whale; eerie calls would come from the huge monstrosity and its crew could only look into the darkness to find the call. As Rose leaned on the banister of the bridge’s east observational window, the sound of heavy boots approaching came close.

 

Far, far too much going on in this sentence. Rose watched / mechanical beast / metallic roars / gently filtered / layers surrounding the bridge. It's detail on top of detail on top of detail, and as a result you take away nothing.

 

Also, actually think about what you're saying. In effect, she's watching the mechanical roars. How does one watch sound? What's more, what is the mechanical beast? It's vague, and there's no explanation. A ship? Something else? (This might be clarified by whatever comes before it, but I'm just treating this passage as standalone).

 

I like the imagery of the crew looking out into the darkess, searching for a sound. It's the first bit of detail that's really nailing the tone of what you're going for (or, at least, what I think you're going for). So what you need to do is to present that in the best way possible – I'd structure this entire paragraph around Rose staring into the darkness, searching for this sound. It's creepy, atmospheric, effective; everything you want.

 

My one concern here is the contradiction between them searching for the source of the sound without response and the fact that Rose is already (I assume?) looking at the source. Which is it?

 

Also, definitely lose the simile. It's just not very effective. (Sidenote: if you did keep it, the semicolon should be a comma).

 

Again, this sentence is cluttered by too many clauses. The wording just needs to get a little more concise.

 

As to the second sentence, it's again concerning sound; so now we're dealing with the roars of the mechanical beast and these footsteps. The mental image of the scene is getting cluttered and repetitive – and on a more basic level, would she even hear the footsteps over this other noise?

 

 

 

“Do you believe this is it?” she asked as she turned to face the man in black overalls; his white wispy hair bouncing off in all directions. The man was old, yet seemed to have the vigour of a small child. This was Father Milt Horrigan; advisor of the United Church. One of the three musketeers, Rose thought as she leaned back.

 

Semicolon misused again; should be a comma. As to the actual detail, though, I'm not sure it's necessary: this is the first image of the man – what does it convey? It's attributing action and meaning to something inherently devoid of it. Far better to focus on what he's doing, not his hair.

 

First sentence is very much telling vs showing. How does he have the vigour of a small child? What does this mean to him in a physical, describable sense?

 

Also, woohoo, a passable semicolon!

 

Now here's a stylistic choice that appears only once throughout the entire passage: dipping into Rose's inner monologue (okay, twice if you include the last line). If you're going to go in this direction, then that's great – it's an opportunity to give your prose some colour by adding in her personal musings. But either do it or don't. Right now this is an interjection into a very dry narrative tone; if you're going to really align us with Rose's point of view, then have the prose start to mimic her style a little, and use these asides more frequently.

 

 

 

“From the moment that we saw it against Pluto, there was no doubt in my mind,” he said as he leaned onto the railing himself. He looked up at the ship; the rest of it disappearing upwards out of view. His dark blue eyes, sunken against his skinny face, looked up with an expression of distrust.

 

This dialogue feels pretty stilted. That could be what you're going for with this character, but it still feels off. The solution might be as simple as removing the 'that' from 'moment that we saw' to make it feel a little more real.

 

Another incorrect semicolon! Also, we're now getting an answer to what Rose was looking at, but I don't think there's any reason to withhold that earlier on. This is where synonyms can trip you up; at the very start of this passage, I'd just call it a ship, not a mechanical beast. You have to choose carefully when to be vague and when to be specific.

 

This is another image that I really like: the eyes sunken against the skinny face. Again, though, the way you convey it could be a little more effective – when you have a good image like this, play up to it, make things revolve around it. Certainly don't lessen its worth with a telling piece of description like 'an expression of distrust', which I can't even interpret. How does one's expression outright convey distrust? It's an odd thing to say; I can't give an answer. If you can – describe it.

 

 

 

“How strange can it be to find this out here? We go looking for a pearl, we find a ruby instead.”

 

Horrigan’s eyes went back to her, as if with a snap of curiosity. “Young Jensen, this ship is most certainly not a ruby,” he said as he crossed his arms. The priest’s uniform was always strange; black overalls, dark gloves, and only the head to show that a human remained underneath all that black. Milt did not look like he could walk around in those boots all day, but he did so for the entire four day journey it had taken from Delta Forty Five to Neptune, then back to Pluto. His age was never brought up, but Jensen always wondered if he was seventy or more.

 

This is what makes me feel that the priest's dialogue is stilted, as opposed to an outright character choice: because Rose speaks in the same way. This sounds exactly like Horrigan's speech – same patterns, same style, same wording. Form a contrast between them and their respective characters will stand out much more.

 

Another really interesting image: the face above all black. Once again, prioritise it. At the moment it feels like an afterthought to the mundane physical description – it feels like if you played around with your wording, you could come up with something much more creative and creepy. The materials are there, they just need to be shuffled around a little.

 

 

[Ziggy455]

THANKYOU! Now that's good feedback! It awakens the realisation how crap I can be but shows me how to improve what makes me bad.

[Mokrie Dela]

I want to be you, Em

[MacAshford]

I want to be a unicorn, but it's just not possible

 

 

Also, I'm doing a side project for a gang that I'm in. Gonna call it, Underground Racing Alliance : Origins

 

 

Project Avalon is still main priority

[Tyler]

I hate semicolons.

[TonyZimmzy]

I hate my colon.

[Eminence]

 

I hate semicolons.

Yeah, we'd all be better off if we just stopped using them completely. I tend to only use them if I've thrown them into something I'm not going to proofread (like a random post here) or, more commonly, academic stuff.

 

Try not to let them enter much of my fiction these days.

[MacAshford]

I'm gonna sound like an idiot here, but what the f*ck is a semi-colon?