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VProductions

Vice

Recommended Posts

VProductions

 

Vice

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Introduction:

 

Chapter I: A Smoke Effect

 

 

Chapter II: Hooker Hotwire

 

 

Chapter III: Hole In The Drywall

 

Chapter IV: Weapon Courier
Edited by VProductions

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VProductions

 

Chapter I: A Smoke Effect

 

 

 

 

 

Connor rose, rubbing his eyes and glaring around the dirty, small room. Old pizza boxes lay next to a overflown trash can. He stumbled towards a steel door and carelessly pushed it open. The next room looked identical to the other. Connor looked around, an old man held a shotgun to his head.

"I know you slept with my Mercedes!" The old man shouted, scratching his chest through his blue Hawaiian shirt.

"What are you ta-" Connor asked as the windows shattered and smoke filled the room.

He climbed out into the scorching heat and took a deep breath. A young man grabbed him and dragged him inside a black limo.

"Who the hell are you!?" Connor questioned.

"My name is Marc Leone, of the Leone Family Mafia." Marc announced.

"Mafia? What just happened?" "For some reason, Thomas Vercetti is seriously annoyed with you."

"Tommy Vercetti?"

"Exactly, that isn't a good thing."

"Oh shit! Everyone said he was dead!" Connor screamed.

"Don't worry, the Leone Family Mafia have feuded with him for years,"said Marc as a smirk spread across his face.

"But you're mafia, why don't you just kill him?"

"He has friends in high places, lets shoot him and get blown up." Marc answered sarcastically.

Marc stared at Connor, comparing Connor's clothes to his own. Marc wore an elegant white suit whereas Connor rocked a black tanktop and baggy blue jeans with grey boxers showing. Both of the men aged eighteen years old, both of them looking very similar but still they dressed completely different.

"Shop at Binco?" Marc asked.

"Have you got a problem with the way I dress?" Connor asked.

"I can't work it out, whether it's white trash or hipster." Marc wondered.

"Take a guess."

"Hipster?" Marc smiled

"Hole in one, it's not that easy to blend in." Connor laughed.

"But don't you want money, cars, mansions?" Marc asked confused.

"I have thirty dollars, a bmx and a shared flat." Connor said proudly.

"Our family need help right now, someone like you."

"Like me?"

"Nothing to loose, come and meet my father and he will explain everything."

The limo started and left a trail of smoke.

Edited by VProductions

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Ziggy455

Okay, I understand the colors are nice, but there are some inconsistencies with your writing that I notice. Here, let me help.

 

 

1. "Don't worry, the Leone Family Mafia have feuded with him for years." Marc smirked.

 

This sentence has two flaws that can be easily fixed. The first is that IF a quotation has some action after it, you end the sentence with a comma instead of a period. This shows the line after is from the person speaking. So instead of an end to the quote you have:

 

 

"Don't worry, the Leone Family Mafia have feuded with him for years," Marc smirked.

 

2. Have you ever heard anybody smirking a sentence? That doesn't make sense. Something along the lines of this works better:

 

 

"Don't worry, the Leone Family Mafia have feuded with him for years," said Mark as a smirk spread across his face.

 

Never let how cool the writing looks overpower the story.

Edited by Ziggy455

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Mokrie Dela

solid advice from ziggy, but what concerns me is the needless effort to make the text pretty. It looks great, but how much effort went into that that could have gone into writing, improving the details or actions?

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VProductions

@Ziggy - Thanks man, I really appreciate it. :)

@Mokrie - I didn't put any effort into the colour, I just used http://www.tektek.org/color/ :P

Next chapter ready, up tommorow.

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AceRay

Colours are seriously easy to do and only take around two minutes of copy and pasting on [URL=http://www.tektek.org/color/]http://www.tektek.org/color/[/URL] I've started to do all my titles for stories with colour shifts to add a little flair and personal touch. The only downside is that it makes quoting a b*tch as you can't see the actual words (try quoting this post to see what I mean).

However, the big ----------- in the first post stretches the screen a little and it would be nicer if it was shorter.

Edited by AceRay

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Mokrie Dela
Colours are seriously easy to do and only take around two minutes of copy and pasting on [URL=http://www.tektek.org/color/]http://www.tektek.org/color/[/URL] I've started to do all my titles for stories with colour shifts to add a little flair and personal touch. The only downside is that it makes quoting a b*tch as you can't see the actual words (try quoting this post to see what I mean).

 

 

However, the big ----------- in the first post stretches the screen a little and it would be nicer if it was shorter.

Yeah it's a nightmare to read on my phone

I had no idea such a website exists! I retract my previous statement

 

 

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AceRay

 

Colours are seriously easy to do and only take around two minutes of copy and pasting on [URL=http://www.tektek.org/color/]http://www.tektek.org/color/[/URL] I've started to do all my titles for stories with colour shifts to add a little flair and personal touch. The only downside is that it makes quoting a b*tch as you can't see the actual words (try quoting this post to see what I mean).

 

 

However, the big ----------- in the first post stretches the screen a little and it would be nicer if it was shorter.

Yeah it's a nightmare to read on my phone

I had no idea such a website exists! I retract my previous statement

So did you think he sat there and typed every single letter in a different colour individually so it would be a gradient? lol.gif

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VProductions

 

Chapter II: Hooker Hotwire

 

 

 

The limo stopped and the door slid open. Connor recognised the location, Sunshine Autos. The garage was decorated with glass statues, similar to the windows.Marc climbed of the relaxing limo into the exhausting afternoon heat. Silently, Connor followed. After waiting paitiently, Marc's father strolled over. He was a medium build man, of around middle age and around medium height. He stood proudly in his oil-covered overalls.

"This is my father, Joey Leone," Marc revealed happily.

"Nice t' meet you, kid," Joey said in his distinctively Italian accent.

Joey shook Connor's hand and smiled mischievously. Marc walked inside Sunshine Autos leaving Joey and Connor alone outside.

"Why do you need me here?" Connor asked.

"I owe out a lotta of money, to some real bad people," Joey answered.

"But thats not my fault."

"One of them bad people jacked a car from this showroom, now that ain't acceptable. Ya hear, I want ya to get it back for me."

"But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. If the VCPD get ya, tell 'em to speak to me."

"Why can't you just report it to them?"

"Y' see they can't do their job, I might never see it again y' see," Joey muttered.

"Sure, where is it?"

"Outside Hooker Inn, it's only round the corner. Look for a red Admiral."

Connor walked down the road, looking curiously. Thoughts ran through his head. He began to question his guilt. What if it wasn't Joey's car, after all they were the mafia, or whatever was left of them. He reached the inn and spotted the modern car, cautiously he came closer and broke the window, he leant inside. His hands run past the lock as he slid the door open and snook in.

"Red to green and clip these and green to blue and red to blue," Connor muttered as he hot-wired the car.

The car started instantly, he reversed and drove the car back to Joey at Sunshine Autos. Connor got out of the car and approached Joey.

"Sorted," Connor said.

"Great, here's some money," Joey laughed as he passed Connor a sealed envelope.

"Money?"

"Favour for a favour," Joey told.

"So this showroom is all yours?"

"No, it belongs to a friend o' mine, Cesar Vialpando. I fix the cars in the garage. Once I had a garage in Liberty but everything got all messed up,"

"Sorry to hear about that."

"It's not ya fault. My father ran Portland, that's before the Leone's crumbled. Somebody broke the code, we let him work with the family and he tried to kill us all. Leone's used to be real big, everywhere. Now all we 'ave is three members and a bankrupt casino."

"Who's the third member?"

"A real man, Toni Ciprani. Ya see he would 'ave fixed our problems but he's dissappeared."

Marc stumbled out of the stylish building and lead Connor back inside the limo. Connor sat down on a comfortable leather seat. He put the envelope in his jean pocket. Marc handed him a glass of sparkling champagne. Once again, the limo sped away.

Edited by VProductions

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Mokrie Dela
Colours are seriously easy to do and only take around two minutes of copy and pasting on [URL=http://www.tektek.org/color/]http://www.tektek.org/color/[/URL] I've started to do all my titles for stories with colour shifts to add a little flair and personal touch. The only downside is that it makes quoting a b*tch as you can't see the actual words (try quoting this post to see what I mean).

 

 

However, the big ----------- in the first post stretches the screen a little and it would be nicer if it was shorter.

Yeah it's a nightmare to read on my phone

I had no idea such a website exists! I retract my previous statement

So did you think he sat there and typed every single letter in a different colour individually so it would be a gradient? lol.gif

Haha, i think i actually did for a moment.

 

Oh my, how embarrassing.

 

To review the latest chapter.

 

The first few sentences feel very expositional to me. Very list like. You're throwing information at us and hoping it'll stick, and to be honest, it's not.

"Marc climbed of the limo, Connor followed silently. Marc's father waited patiently" - Bread, Milk, Cheese, Dinner for tonight - it feels like a shopping list and is about as interesting as one. That's not to say that what you've got in your mind is bad - just that you're opening the window a crack, and throwing bits out. Instead, open the door, and invite us in. Have Marc climbing out of the limo an event, not a news report. Have him step out, stretch, or yawn, or blink at the sunshine, and have connor involved in this.

 

"Marc climbed out out of the air-conditioned comfort of the Limo, into the dry heat of the midday sun. He had grown accustomed to the tinted windows blotting out the sun, and blinked at the sudden assault on his eyes. Behind him, like a loyal dog, followed Connor, seemingly less affected by the transition. Marc's father stood patiently, his arms folded, watching with judgmental eyes as the men disembarked. He was physically unremarkable; of medium height and build, the averaged middle-aged man.

"This is my father......"

 

A lot more detail in there (maybe too much) but i think it's more immersive - i think it tells us more than a little list.

 

Also now for a lesson I learned not too long ago:

 

 

"This is my father, Joey Leone." Marc revealed happily.

This is a very subtle thing, but important, and you'll notice it from now on:

 

When there is speech, followed by anything of addition, the speech should end in a comma:

 

"This is my father, Joey Leone," Marc revealed happily.
Think of it as an action, then description, or imagine it without the inverted commas:

 

This is my father, Joey Leone. Marc revealed happily.

See that? It looks odd. Two sentences that should be one.

 

This is my father, Joey Leone, Marc revealed happily.

There we go, one sentence. Add the inverted commas back in and voila!

 

anything with speech then, "he said" "he shouted" "she smiled" - even: "No," his eyes said. Anything that's connected if you will, is separated by a comma.

 

If theyre separate though like: "This is my father, Joey Leone." Marc pointed at the man - these are two separate statements.

"This is my father, Joey Leone." Marc pointed at the man.

"This is my father, Joey Leone," Marc said, pointing at the man.

 

Hope that all makes sense.

 

 

Later on i see this:

 

"But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor questioned.

What you've done here is the same thing twice.

It's clear that this is a question. There is NO need at all to say "Connor questioned" because we know it's a question. If you feel you need to define who's talking here, then throw in an action:

"But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor raised his eyebrows

"But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor held his hands out.

 

Again hope that makes sense.

 

 

A lot of dialogue here, and no real action - which isn't bad - but in danger of becoming a bit tedious. I recently wrote a long dialogue based chapter and when i proof read it, realised that it's a bit... boring. The information's being conveyed, the dialogue needed, but nothing happened. A good way to get past this is with little actions and maybe even disagreements. Have people walk around, show us their movements and emotions, have their words carry emotion - anger, confusion etc. Writing dialogue can be hard at times because, unlike actors on a screen, one word can't convey too much emotion or meaning, like it can on an actor's face. Instead we have to convey such information with description.

"Did you hit him?"

"No."

 

what does that tell us? nothing

 

"Did you hit him?" Her eyes burned as much as the question did. He couldn't meet his mother's gaze Instead of looking around, he simply looked down.

"No," he said, barely able to keep his voice from breaking.

 

What does that tell you? More i think.

 

I think this work is like a bit of fruit. It's not quite ripe yet, and tastes a little bitter. I think if you work a bit more, it could taste so sweet and juicy biggrin.gif

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Master of San Andreas

I hope the Fruit is a mango. inlove.gif

 

On-Topic: I like it and I'm interested to see what comes up next. smile.gif

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Mokrie Dela
I hope the Fruit is a mango. inlove.gif

 

On-Topic: I like it and I'm interested to see what comes up next. smile.gif

Funnily enough I posted the reply on my lunch break, and was actually eating a mango (or about to)

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VProductions

Thanks Mokrie, I'm gonna go edit it in the morning. I spent the last two days writing a couple more chapters. I got some real deep storyline coming up but don't worry there's a load of action first. smile.gif

 

Quick Question: Do you guys think I should name the chapters?

 

EDIT: Edited Chapter II, I will post Chapter III in the morning.

Edited by VProductions

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Master of San Andreas

Yes you should name the chapters. smile.gif

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AceRay

 

If it was a real book, then no. But if its on here, then sure, why not? Its funny and allows for some cool puns on titles of movies, music and games like I used to do for BUYG, eg "Karma Chameleon" for when a character did something bad and stuff like that.

 

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VProductions

Thanks guys, still finalizing the third chapter. smile.gif

 

EDIT: Added chapter names tounge.gif

Edited by VProductions

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Mokrie Dela
If it was a real book, then no. But if its on here, then sure, why not? Its funny and allows for some cool puns on titles of movies, music and games like I used to do for BUYG, eg "Karma Chameleon" for when a character did something bad and stuff like that.

At the risk of pissing ace off, disregard that. I've read books that have chapter titles and some that do not - it's a personal preference and I think it's good for reference; you're reading a book then move away from it, when you come back you dont look for a number, but instead for a title, which is easier.

 

A GTA Fanfic, definitely name the chapters - gta missions are named, often with humour, so try to get that in there. It also offers a flash of a hint to the chapter - look at City of Lies and Justice in Flames, the chapter titles are supposed to make the reader go "this sounds interesting" without giving anything away.

 

 

I don't believe there is any hard and fast rule - if you can think of good names, then name them, but if you do not feel they need a name, then don't - again, it's personal preference.

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VProductions

 

Chapter III: Hole In The Drywall

 

 

 

Connor shoved his key into the broken door, he entered the flat. Inside it was filthy, a mess, there was: a cheap couch, a fifteen inch portable tv on a crooked coffee table, a dull kitchen and a dirty single bed.

So, this is my crib, one-one-three-c Bayshore Ave, Connor remarked, giggling.

And this is possible to live in?" Marc asked, looking shocked.

"I do. "

"Never have I seen such a shithole."

"My mother's place is worse."

"Unless she lives in a trashcan, I'm not sure."

"Not quite, she lives in the junkyard."

"Whoa, living rough."

"Yep, always have done. But still, we get by."

"Keep helping us and you're gonna have enough money to get a better house."

"Guess I got no choice."

Marc smiled and clambered into the flat, over piles of unclean clothes that lay scattered on the paint stained floor. Tired and in a daze, Connor walked over to the TV and switched it on, as he was about to stroll away when something caught his eye. On the television was a breaking news broadcast, he stared at screen while dumbstruck by the announcement. A reporter flashed on the screen, she was stood outside the Hooker Inn.

"I'm right outside the inn where Mayor Nettel's car was stolen earlier today. The mayor is sickened and confused as to why he was targeted." The blond reporter said.

Connor's face glown red, shining in the dull light from his worthless DIKEA lamp. Rage filled his body leaving him with only one emotion, anger. The weight of guilt overpowered him, the fear, the shock. He stomped over to Marc and grabbed his collar. Connor slammed him into the moldy wall, the wall crumbled with Marc ending up lay on the cold, sticky corridor floor. Marc pushed himself back up, closer to Connor.

"I swear, I knew nothing about it," Marc explained.

"I'm not falling for that one," Connor said as he punched Marc in the face.

"Listen, That work was from my father. Not me," Marc held his nose as blood flowed out.

"That whole 'nothing to lose' speech was a joke?"

"Obviously, you knew what you were doing. I think I mentioned the word 'Mafia' quite a lot today!" Marc shouted.

"The VCPD are gonna come straight after me, I could be on FelonyWatch tonight!" Connor rubbed his hands through his hair.

"No, the inn doesn't have any cameras, after all it is a brothel. Oh and Connor, open the envelope before you try and break my nose next time."

"Next time? I never wanna to do this again."

"Another job if you wanna do it, just keep away from my nose."

Connor peeled the envelope open and took out a wad of money, a thousand dollars. At the bottom of the envelope remained a note, Connor slid it out.

"Nice work kid, get down here tommorow for a better job. Wish I could see your face when the news comes on. Ha," Connor read, bewildered and disorientated.

Marc smirked and walked out into the cool night air, into the mysterious darkness. Still shocked, Connor made his way to bed and relaxed to the rap music blasting from the television.

Edited by VProductions

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VProductions

I know that was a short one, sorry. sad.gif

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Master of San Andreas

That chapter was good but there were quite a few mistakes:

 

 

"So, this is my crib, one-one-three-c Bayshore Ave,Connor joked.

 

 

Connor joked? You could put it like this instead:

 

"So, this is my crib, one-one-three-c-Bayshore Ave" Connor remarked, laughing.

 

 

"And this is possible to live in?" Marc asked, concerned and shocked.

 

 

You need to elaborate more:

 

"And this is possible to live in?" Marc asked, looking skeptical/concerned/shocked.(Any one of the three).

 

 

"I'm not falling for that one," Connor punched Marc in the face.

 

 

Doesn't make sense, Put it like this:

 

"I'm not falling for that one" Connor said. He punched Marc on the face and Marc's nose broke and started to bleed.

 

That's it, I guess. Overall I felt that the chapter was OK. I'd give it a 7.5/10. You've got talent no doubt. smile.gif

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VProductions

Thanks smile.gifsmile.gifsmile.giftounge.gif I am gonna go back and edit it tomorrow. I have had to change Chapter IV around a bit so there's a small delay on that, hopefully it will be on by saturday.

 

EDIT: Edited! tounge.gif

Edited by VProductions

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VProductions

Chapter IV: Weapon Courier

 

Connor threw back the sheets and climbed out of his bed, he walked to his wardrobe and took out an outfit. The same blue jeans, white shirt and grey boxers as usual; he quickly got changed and left the flat. Everyday he did the same routine with it growing more boring each time, he craved change, he craved difference. The black limo appeared and stopped outside the flat. Joey stepped out, clutching a notepad. He handed it to Connor and silently stepped back into the limo. The limousine sped away.

 

"Not even going to say hello?" Connor laughed.

 

He glared at the notepad, more specifically the first page it read: "Kid, I got some jobs for you. Pick up my shotgun from Mike at El Swanko Casa, take it somewhere safe for now. Then, scare the manager at the Cafe Under The Tree, he owes me two thousand dollars. Thanks, kid."

 

Connor smiled and got on his BMX, he pedaled quickly across the city, over bridges and through alleyways. He was at El Swanko Casa in under ten minutes, an awesome feat. The mansion was painted brilliant white, it had luxurious staircases outside leading directly to the first floor balcony and a swimming pool filled with perfectly clean water. The pool water gleamed like a diamond. Michael relaxed at the side of the pool on a lounger, he was quite tall but not very muscular. He had his short brown hair in a quiff, he wore red-tinted sunglasses that shone in the torrid climate.

 

"Here for the package?" Mike asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

"Yeah," Connor stated.

 

"Who sent you then"

"Joey Leone"

 

"Behind that bush," Micheal pointed to a broom shrub, near the open metal gates that Connor had previously walked in through.

 

Connor strolled to the shrub and leant over it, he felt something cold against his head. He turned to see Micheal pressing a pistol to his temple. Micheal grabbed Connor's neck and dragged him inside the mansion. In the front room was a stylish couch and a seventy inch tv, the pinnacle of richness. Micheal threw Connor on to the couch and pointed the pistol at him.

 

"How do I know you're not a cop?!" Micheal shouted.

 

"I'm not a cop."

"Oh yeah?"

 

"Yeah"

 

"How can I believe you?"

 

"Call Joey." Connor demanded.

 

Micheal took out his touchscreen phone and called Joey, he stepped outside. A few minutes later he came back with the shotgun. He placed it in a dufflebag and give it to Connor.

 

"Sorry man, Joey said your not a cop, there's something for your troubles in there to." Micheal apologized, hanging his head.

 

Connor left the mansion with the duffle bag around his shoulders and got back on his BMX, he shrugged off the events and put his foot on the pedal.

Edited by VProductions

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Loch Dawg

I'm not sure how else to word this, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Most of this story seems to be 'Person A did this then went to Place B and then Event C happened', I can't really visualize any scenes or characters in my mind. They don't seem to have any real personality.

 

 

Connor threw back the sheets and climbed out of his bed, he walked to his wardrobe and took out an outfit. The same blue jeans, white shirt and grey boxers as usual; he quickly got changed and left the flat. Everyday he did the same routine with it growing more boring each time, he craved change, he craved difference.

 

An example of what I'm saying is here. Connor gets out of bed, puts on new clothes and then just leaves his flat. You try to make a connection with the reader by saying he craves change but it's not that effective. Why does he do this routine and why is he growing bored of it? You could easily flesh it out and give the character more personality.

 

There's a few other errors you could definitely fix up, but I'll wait for your response as some people seem to get defensive/offended when offered advice. Also, please stop using the silly text colours.

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VProductions

Thanks for your help, I will edit it before the next chapter is released. smile.gif but the colours are staying, they make it unique. tounge.gif

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VProductions

(IT HAS RETURNED tounge.gif, a short bitesized chapter)

 

Chapter V: Parental Guidance

 

The BMX came to a halt at the junkyard, Connor climbed off and dashed past the piles of scrap metal and crushed cars that towered over him, he stopped at a small trailer and banged on the door. A scruffy woman stood smoking a cigarette, her face wrinkled, like her hands. She limped over to Connor and hugged him, she was joyful to see him, to see her son. Connor smiled weakly.

 

"Son!" She shouted, leading him inside.

 

She put out her cigarette and sat next to Connor on the dirty sofa bed. She brushed the trash off her coffee table. Connor opened the bag and placed the shotgun on the table, he left the two hundred dollars from Micheal inside.

 

"Mom, I need you to look after this," Connor said, pointing at the shotgun.

 

"Honey, you know I can't do that." His mother, Kirsty, replied.

 

“For this,” Connor handed her the two hundred dollar apology from Micheal.

 

“I suppose, I hide it in one of the crushed cars. Nobody would look there. But you shouldn't have a shotgun, who's is it?”

 

“I can't tell you, Mom. I just can't.”

 

“Connor, I want you to stay away from them, don't go back there!” Kirsty insisted, wiggling her crooked finger in Connor's face. “ Your father was a criminal, look how it left him, dead somewhere.”

 

“How would you know, you haven't seen him since the day he knocked you up!?” Connor shouted.

 

Kirsty gritted her teeth and struck Connor with the back of her hand.

 

"How dare you? My past, is my past, my mistakes," Kirsty muttered as she stared blankly at the broken photoframe on the wall, the picture was non-existant, the frame was and always had been empty.

 

"Mistakes, Is that what I am to you?" Connor sobbed.

 

"Sorry, Connor."

 

"It's too late, you can't take it back."

 

“I'll keep the gun for now,” Kirsty cried.

 

“Thanks,” Connor said as he walked out of the trailer, smiling happily.

Edited by VProductions

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Mokrie Dela

I'm glad to see the colors gone. It makes it much easier to read and take seriously.

 

The only thing I can think of to mention is that a lot of this still feels like a list. "this happened, That happend, he did this, she did that". I've been there, written entire chapters that looked to me like a shopping list.

Also i feel a few of the sentences should be broken up, perhaps with more detail added in. It seems very much like a summary and i think you can do so much more!

 

"Connor weakly and half-heartedly smiled"

This i feel is backward:

"Connor smiled weakly" or "Connor smiled half-heatedly." perhaps: "Conner flashed a half-hearted smile"

I don't feel "weakly" and "half-heartedly" are BOTH needed - i see a "weak" smile, i think, the person doesn't mean it. like they're sad faking a smile. I see half heartedly, i think someone smiles without meaning it,. in otherwords you're saying the same thing twice. I'd consider removing one of these adverbs. Have one or the other, but also maybe explore WHY he's not meaning the smile.

"Connor smiled weakly, he'd rather be drowning his sorrows in some dive of a bar, lamenting the loss of his pet cat"

"Connor smiled halfheartedly. He was too tired to even try to look interested"

 

Get me?

 

 

Apart from that its not bad, i find myself wanting a bit more substance too it - more detail, more narration to bring me into the story, but it's not bad smile.gif

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VProductions

Thanks Mokrie, I'm gonna edit sometime this week. I'm wondering if it might be better to do this as a concept thread style story, you know with missions and all that.

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Mokrie Dela
Thanks Mokrie, I'm gonna edit sometime this week. I'm wondering if it might be better to do this as a concept thread style story, you know with missions and all that.

That's your decision. I find it difficult to follow concept threads, because every line reminds me that it's double-fiction - not only is it a made up story, but it's a made up hypothetical story, if that makes sense. I keep remembering it's fake, so i don't enjoy concepts.

 

Better write it as a flowing story imho, with lots of little details, insights etc. Much more detail and freedom i think

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VProductions

Edited tounge.gif You can prolly expect a new chapter by next friday smile.gif

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