Quantcast
Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
    1. Welcome to GTAForums!

    1. Red Dead Redemption 2

      1. PC
      2. Gameplay
      3. Missions
      4. Help & Support
    2. Red Dead Online

      1. Gameplay
      2. Find Lobbies & Outlaws
      3. Help & Support
      4. Frontier Pursuits
    1. Crews & Posses

      1. Recruitment
    2. Events

    1. GTA Online

      1. DLC
      2. Find Lobbies & Players
      3. Guides & Strategies
      4. Vehicles
      5. Content Creator
      6. Help & Support
      7. The Diamond Casino Heist
    2. Grand Theft Auto Series

    3. GTA 6

    4. GTA V

      1. PC
      2. Guides & Strategies
      3. Help & Support
    5. GTA IV

      1. Episodes from Liberty City
      2. Multiplayer
      3. Guides & Strategies
      4. Help & Support
      5. GTA IV Mods
    6. GTA Chinatown Wars

    7. GTA Vice City Stories

    8. GTA Liberty City Stories

    9. GTA San Andreas

      1. Guides & Strategies
      2. Help & Support
      3. GTA SA Mods
    10. GTA Vice City

      1. Guides & Strategies
      2. Help & Support
      3. GTA VC Mods
    11. GTA III

      1. Guides & Strategies
      2. Help & Support
      3. GTA III Mods
    12. Top Down Games

      1. GTA Advance
      2. GTA 2
      3. GTA
    13. Wiki

      1. Merchandising
    1. GTA Modding

      1. GTA V
      2. GTA IV
      3. GTA III, VC & SA
      4. Tutorials
    2. Mod Showroom

      1. Scripts & Plugins
      2. Maps
      3. Total Conversions
      4. Vehicles
      5. Textures
      6. Characters
      7. Tools
      8. Other
      9. Workshop
    3. Featured Mods

      1. DYOM
      2. OpenIV
      3. GTA: Underground
      4. GTA: Liberty City
      5. GTA: State of Liberty
    1. Red Dead Redemption

    2. Rockstar Games

    1. Off-Topic

      1. General Chat
      2. Gaming
      3. Technology
      4. Programming
      5. Movies & TV
      6. Music
      7. Sports
      8. Vehicles
    2. Expression

      1. Graphics / Visual Arts
      2. GFX Requests & Tutorials
      3. Writers' Discussion
      4. Debates & Discussion
    1. News

    2. Forum Support

    3. Site Suggestions

Happyness

The Bad and the Good

Recommended Posts

Happyness

Alright, so this is my first attempt at a fan fic, if anyone wishes to make me a gfx with Luis Lopez, and so on, it'll be grateful and I will of course add credits underneath!

 

I will keep this post to post news and updates and a table with chapters and whatnot. Positive feedback is welcome, any type of criticism is welcome as long as it helps me improve and makes a valid point.

 

Thank you all.

 

 

Prologue Got a place to sleep bro'?
Edited by Happyness

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Happyness

Prologue

 

"Got a place to sleep bro'?"

 

Luis Lopez was playing with his set of keys, in front of the Maisonette 9, the club that he managed, the weather was so unbearable and hot like he was standing in the middle of the desert in the middle of the afternoon, clear skies not even a particle of clouds was seen, despite him standing in the shadow, the heat was so strong that the people literally collapsed in the street, the annoying siren of the ambulance was heard a few blocks away, constantly, too many people were affected by this wave of heat, the ambulances were coming and going, the pair of keys were to his personal vehicle, parked adjacent to him, a black Albany Cavalcade, with fully tinted windows, nothing can be seen inside, and luxurious black-coated set of wheels, he was so obsessed in keeping his car clean that it looked like it was out of the factory just a few minutes ago. Out of the blue a strange figure appeared, ripped jeans, ripped shoes, ripped t-shirt, looked like the figure came out from the middle of a nuclear fallout, unshaved beard for weeks, hair growing like a sheep’s, his clothes were really telling the man’s financial status. As the figure was passing by in front of Luis, a pungent scent was floating in the air, so close to Luis’ nose that he started to back off slowly, it definitely created a state of discomfort, even a rotten egg would smell better than that. Luis raised his hand in the air leading it towards his nose pressing his fingers against his nostrils, blocking the smell from the strange figure to reach in. “Whoa! Bro, you should take a shower! What the hell bro? When was the last time you took a freaking shower?” asked Luis Lopez the strange figure when he reached near Luis. The figure switched his vision upon Luis, lowering his eyebrows, frowning, Luis’ question had clearly insulted the man, and despite him being so poor the man had feelings, like any other human. A tear went down the strange figure’s cheek, almost creating a path for a river of tears, the strange figure released a sigh and turned around, proceeding to walk away, whilst his head was bowed down, clearly a sign of shame.

 

Luis Lopez shook his head, “Whatever” he mumbled, and he shifted his head towards the homeless man, eyeing him as he slowly paces into the unknown. Luis then turned around taking some steps towards Maisonette 9’s main door, subsequently pushing it and sighing, whenever the door was pushed it produced an annoying squeaking sound, despite it being like this for months, no one actually bothered to fix it, not even once. He carelessly proceeded to jog downstairs letting the door slide back into its original position as a man was walking straight in, too busy playing with his phone he banged his head into the door and watched his phone helplessly as it was falling to the ground unintentionally the phone dropped from the man’s hand. “WHAT THE F*CKING F*CK?! F*CK, F*CK, F*CK.” – small pieces of plastic were flying around due to the powerful collision with the ground, the mobile phone’s plastic cover was ruined, around a thousand bucks gone to waste. Luis was moving his body around the bar, having a drink, talking to girls, fulfilling his “American Dream”, what could he want more?

 

Hours passed like seconds and the night had already fallen onto the area, people already started to leave as it was getting late, Luis being the manager had to stay a little longer, a tiring job, yet worth it. Being almost alone doing nothing except to stare at the wall the hour that he had left felt like it was a week, the time finally came and the happiness could be seen in his eyes, finally the time came for him to head home and have a break after a long and “tiring” day of work, partying, drinking booze, flirting with women, what a tiring work!

Luis patted his pockets producing a sound from the keys clashing with each other subsequently he bobbed his head. “Yup, everything is in place.” thought Luis as he shot his hand towards the hanger, gripping his hand onto his coat, grabbing it from its place sporting it on and smiling while pacing outside of the club, his hand sank in his pocket grabbing his black Cavalcade’s keys, inserting it into the keyhole of the door, switching it and unlocking the door, proceeding to open it in order to sit on his comfortable driver seat. A loud roar was heard a few seconds later, due to the Cavalcade’s V8 special engine, Luis did care a lot about his car, and everything had to be perfect on his Cavalcade, from the looks to the mechanics. A louder roar was echoing in the area and lights were turned on from the neighbors, they were waken up due to the loud roar from the engine, it was like the king of the cars, music to some people’s ears.

 

Fifteen minutes passed until Luis reached his destination, just a few meters away from his home, he proceeded his routinely work of arriving at a destination and exiting his vehicle, just as he was walking towards the entrance of his building a strong bang was heard, Luis was hit from behind with a steel pipe and he was knocked unconscious, dust raised in the air as a result of Luis’ body clashing with the earth, a few minutes later Luis regained consciousness and as a result of the hard hit, a small blood trail was going down from the back of his head towards the ground, he kept rubbing his head even though it hurt him, he was frowning a bit and he turned around looking up, just above him there was a figure standing and the light pole was reflecting down onto the figure, resulting in a silhouette, Luis’ eyes widened as he saw the figure’s hand being extended towards him, he could trust no one in that moment, not even his own mother, although the silhouette grabbed Luis’ hands and pulled him up forcefully, Luis shook his hand off and backed away. “Whoa! H-h-hold on there b-b-bro, don’t g-get any c-c-closer!” Luis stuttered while staring into the man’s eyes, they seemed familiar, the figure took two steps closer to Luis, revealing his face, it was the same man from the afternoon the one Luis mocked, Luis was surprised although he raised his guard preparing himself for a battle. “No, no, no, no! I will not hurt you, kind sir!” the rough voice of the homeless man said. “What is it then?! It’s kind of weird that you showed up just now when I was hit!” – Luis said, with a higher voice, almost shouting-like. “I saw someone falling to the ground while I was walking and I shouted at the attacker, he turned around and ran as fast as he could.” The man said. A gut feeling was telling Luis to trust this homeless man; he examined the homeless man from the head to the shoes arching an eyebrow. “What’s your name bro?” – “My name is Travis, Travis Johnson.” The man replied to Luis. “Alright Travis, alright, I d-don’t know how to repay this act of kindness.” – “I got an idea, follow me bro.” said Luis with a calmer voice.

 

The two then slowly paced towards the building where Luis was living, although Luis being the kind of man who rarely trusts people, he played along and went on with Travis. A few minutes later a door to his house was opened. “Make yourself comfortable Travis, I’ll get you some food and a drink. Beer or soda?” “Soda, please” replied Travis. “Rarely nowadays there are kind homeless people in the streets, people either want to attack you or kill you” thought Luis in his head.

 

“Got a place to sleep bro’?” asked Luis while staring at the TV, enjoying his favorite show. “Apart from some cardboard box in an alleyway, not really.” – “Alright, tell ya’ what, you can sleep here bro, but you ain’t leavin’ until I wake up.” said Luis with a more serious voice while looking straight into Travis’ eyes.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mokrie Dela

I wouldn't worry about GFX. But you could post in the GFX requests and ask for one.

 

As for the story - i REALLY have to get back to work so i'll check this soon. If i don't feel free to PM me and remind me!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Happyness

If people enjoyed it, and would love to see more, I'll be glad to start chapter 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GTAb0yWonder

I noticed ALOT of commas in the first paragraph.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Happyness

Noted that, less commas next time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mokrie Dela

Prologue

 

"Got a place to sleep bro'?"

 

Luis Lopez was playing with his set of keys, in front of the Maisonette 9, the club that he managed. The weather was so unbearable and hot like he was standing in the middle of the desert in the middle of the afternoon.

 

I'll be honest, this first paragraph is a mess. It's long winded and stinks to me like it's rushed. I don't think it needs scrapping, but a rewrite will save it. The sentence is probably the longest i've ever seen!

I'll try to put my suggestions in as i go. Firstly red means get rid, green are changes i've added in. The HUUGE sentence can be split up into several, shorter sentences. Also as a side note, Luis is playing with his keys - i like how the story starts like this. But why is he playing with his keys? Is he nervous about something? I think a few more subtle hints should be put in here, if he's nervous, hint us that he is or something. I like how I'm getting the impression that he's reluctant to go into the club, like he's nervous, and i'm asking why. Good start, making the reader ask a question.

 

 

Clear skies not even a particle of clouds was seen, despite him standing in the shadow. The heat was so strong that the people literally collapsed in the street. The annoying siren of the ambulance was heard a few blocks away, constantly, too many people were affected by this wave of heat, the ambulances were coming and going.

Firstly the heat was so bad people were dropping like an apocalyptic virus? I can see what you're going for, but it's too much. It's giving the impression that there's some strange solar flare frying people or something. Instead consider this: Subtlety can be very powerful. Instead of telling us that the entire city was collapsing, why not have it as Luis's inner monologue, instead of narration - an example follows.

 

 

Luis looked up at the clear sky. Not even a single cloud, he remarked as he stood in the shade. The radio gave all the usual warnings; drink water and stay out of the sun. He'd passed an ambulance on the way, rushing to one of the unlucky ones who had collapsed under the heat.

Ok, i'll admit that wasn't a very good rewrite, but i'm short on time (gotta get to work!). It would be better to show the heat as early as possible. Maybe in the first sentence, as he's playing with his keys, perhaps showing that he's sweating in the "summer heat" or something. The old thing about "Show don't tell" comes into play. Don't tell us it's hot. Don't tell us that people are collapsing. Show us. Show us that Luis is hot - what's he wearing? A T shirt and he's still sweating? Is he eager for the air conditioning that his car/club offers. Had he seen someone collapse under the heat, or had the radio told him of it? I think there's so much more you could do with this than a simple explanation.

 

 

 

The pair of keys were to his personal vehicle, parked adjacent to him, a black Albany Cavalcade, with fully tinted windows, nothing can be seen inside, and a luxurious black-coated set of wheels.

Well we know what the keys were for now! smile.gif There's no need to tell us where it's parked imo. If he's not in it, the reader will assume it's parked and if he's gone to/from the club, chances are he's either coming from/going to his car. I'd already imagined him beside his car to be honest and i think it's a detail we don't need. Next is the windows - if they're fully tinted, then we won't be able to see inside. You're effectively saying the same thing twice - "the windows were blackened out, nothing could be seen inside" - sometimes it can work, when you say something then elaborate on it: "fully tinted windows - Luis enjoyed the privacy that they offered." As i said, subtlety can say more.

 

 

He was so obsessed in keeping his car clean that it looked like it was out of the factory just a few minutes ago. Out of the blue a strange figure appeared, ripped jeans, ripped shoes, ripped t-shirt, looked like the figure came out from the middle of a nuclear fallout, unshaved beard for weeks, hair growing like a sheep’s, his clothes were really telling the man’s financial status.

Again, a bit of a long winded sentence. Most of all, it's the list. ripped jeans, ripped t shirt...... Instead why not say that his clothes were tatty and torn. No need to list each item of clothing. Personally I'm not sure that the "fallout" analogy works here though tbh. Better to use a simile that we can all relate to, such as a homeless person, which is what i'm assuming he is. Why not just say that? Better yet, why not have it happen through Luis's eyes - have him see the man and judge him? Have Luis tell us what he's wearing, have him scoff at the sight etc.

 

 

As the figure was passing by in front of Luis, a pungent scent was floating in the air, so close to Luis’ nose that he started to back off slowly, it definitely created a state of discomfort, even a rotten egg would smell better than that.

I think viewpoint is what's wrong here. You're telling us what's going on. I think it should be coming from Luis. An example:

 

Luis found himself backing away as the figure passed. A pungent scent assaulted his nose, creating a state of discomfort. Even a rotten egg would smell better, Luis thought.

Again, not a brilliant rewrite, but i think the words would be better coming through Luis, not through a faceless narrator.

 

 

Luis raised his hand in the air leading it towards his nose pressing his fingers against his nostrils, blocking the smell from the strange figure to reach in. “Whoa! Bro, you should take a shower! What the hell bro? When was the last time you took a freaking shower?” asked Luis Lopez the strange figure when he reached near Luis.

The first part is an awful lot of words to say little. I think it'd be better to just say "Luis brought his fingers to his nose, blocking the smell from the disgusting figure in front of him."

I like the speech, but i think it can be condensed:

"Whoa, what the hell bro? When was the last time you took a shower! Cabron" - not the final word? Luis is dominican and throughout BOGT, he talks several spanish words - consider this when writing text and internal reflection as Luis.

 

 

The figure switched his vision upon Luis, lowering his eyebrows, frowning, Luis’ question had clearly insulted the man, and despite him being so poor the man had feelings, like any other human. A tear went down the strange figure’s cheek, almost creating a path for a river of tears, the strange figure released a sigh and turned around, proceeding to walk away, whilst his head was bowed down, clearly a sign of shame.

Firstly, again a lot of words to say the figure was insulted. But he cried? A man says you stink and the man begins to cry? Seems a bit of a strong reaction to me. Also i like how one tear is carving a path for more, but saying "tears" twice so soon, takes me out of the moment.

 

 

Luis Lopez shook his head, “Whatever” he mumbled, and he shifted his head towards the homeless man, eyeing him as he slowly paces into the unknown.

Tense. Luis lopez shook his head.....shifted his head... as he slowly paces... Do you see the problem here?

Shook, Shifted are PAST tense, where Paces, is present. It's easy to make, i do it sometimes and i'm sure even established authors do too. Edits pick it up, and practice helps eliminate it. Consider changing Paces to PacED. or reassess your tense.

 

 

Luis then turned around taking some steps towards Maisonette 9’s main door, subsequently pushing it and sighing. Whenever the door was pushed it produced an annoying squeaking sound. Despite it being like this for months, no one actually bothered to fix it, not even once.
IF (i say if because no one really knows if he does or if Tony does - assuming this is after IV) Luis runs the club, then this is his responsibility. If tony runs the club, then it's his fault. It might be worth reflecting on this.

 

 

He carelessly proceeded to jog downstairs letting the door slide back into its original position as a man was walking straight in, too busy playing with his phone he banged his head into the door and watched his phone helplessly as it was falling to the ground unintentionally the phone dropped from the man’s hand. “WHAT THE F*CKING F*CK?! F*CK, F*CK, F*CK.” – small pieces of plastic were flying around due to the powerful collision with the ground, the mobile phone’s plastic cover was ruined, around a thousand bucks gone to waste. Luis was moving his body around the bar, having a drink, talking to girls, fulfilling his “American Dream”, what could he want more?

Again it seems like you're saying a lot to say a little. Why is he jogging carelessly?

I also think the "powerful collision" between the phone and the ground is overkill. It sounds like it got hit by a truck. I would consider toning this down. I'm also confused who the "man" is, and what relevance it has to the story. As eminence pointed out to me, in my story, i tend to drift away from the characters. This seems to have happened here - we're following Luis, then drift back to some random man dropping his phone. Why not have Luis see it?

Also "Luis was moving his body around...." - this all seems very detached to me. Like he's floating and we're watching. You're telling us he did this and that. Why not show us? Have Luis go to the bar, order a drink, see a girl, order her a drink, then chat her up. Show the interaction, show luis's thoughts and actions too. Decide also where the viewpoint is. Is this story inside Luis's head? Or is it a loose camera following Luis? Or is it a series of cameras all over the place? (see foot note)

 

 

Hours passed like seconds and the night had already fallen onto the area. People already started to leave as it was getting late. Luis being the manager had to stay a little longer - a tiring job, yet worth it.

Why is it worth it? Luis doesn’t like staying behind, but why does he have to stay behind? What makes it worth it? DETAILS!!! (But remember to not just list them, Here’s a suggestion:

 

 

Hours passed, seemingly like seconds and night fell onto the area. Eventually people started to leave as it was getting late. Luis, being the manager, had to stay a little longer, of course. There were registers to close off and earnings to be entered into the books. Luis threw the papers down on the desk. It was tiring at times, and downright boring, but it was worth it. He spent his nights mingling with Liberty City’s celebrities, and millionaires. Plus the money coming in afforded his a sizable wage, and if he didn’t feel like working one day, well he was the boss wasn’t he?

See what I’m trying to do here? (The lack of any edit might be evident). Firstly, I changed the sentence to make it flow better, and tried to convey the story through Luis’s eyes.

 

 

Being almost alone doing nothing except to stare at the wall the hour that he had left felt like it was a week, the time finally came and the happiness could be seen in his eyes, finally the time came for him to head home and have a break after a long and “tiring” day of work, partying, drinking booze, flirting with women, what a tiring work!

Firstly here, the first sentence is very... messy. Proof reading and editing fixes this. I think it’d be better to say:

“Being almost alone, with work as interesting as staring at a blank wall, the final hour felt like a week – a complete contrast to the rest of the night. Finally the time came for him to head home and have a break after a long and ‘tiring’ day at work, partying, drinking and flirting with women.”

What confused me here is he’s his own boss. Why is he sitting around doing nothing? If there’s work to do, he’d do it. If not he’d go home. Why would he sit there facing a wall? The answer is he wouldn’t, so i showed him doing something! Also the “happiness could be seen in his eyes” is telling us. Instead SHOW us. Don’t just tell us he’s happy, show that he is. Have him sigh with relief, or something.

 

Luis patted his pockets, producing a sound from the keys clashing with each other subsequently he bobbed his head. “Yup, everything is in place,” thought Luis as he shot his hand towards the hanger, gripping his hand onto his coat, grabbing it from its place sporting it on and smiling while pacing outside of the club.

I think you’re trying too hard to put action into this. His hand SHOT out GRIPPING coat and GRABBING IT, sporting it on and smiling while PACING... there’s too many superfluous words. Firstly, why cant he “reach out and take his coat from the hanger”? Also – pacing. To me thats what someone does when theyre thinking or worrying or patrolling. It doesn’t fit in here at all to be honest. It feels like you’re looking for alternative words when “walk” would do.

 

 

his hand sunk into his pocket, grabbing his black Cavalcade’s keys, inserting it into the keyhole of the door, switching it and unlocking the door, proceeding to open it in order to sit on his comfortable driver seat.

 

This feels too much like a list. He did this, this, this and that. That’s how it feels. There’s no flow to it. I see his hands sinking into his pocket (i liked that bit) then they’re unlocking the door then he’s switching... what? If he’s putting the key in the door, what is he switching? – proceeding (this really isn’t needed) to open it in order to sit on his comfortable driver seat.

It feels like instructions. Very robotic. It would be better and easier to just have him enter his car – is him getting his keys out, unlocking, opening the door, and getting in really needed?

“His hand sunk into his pocket, fishing out his car keys as he exited the club. The night air hit him like a slap in the face – still muggy, even though it was well past midnight. Within a minute he was sitting in his comfortable driving seat, with the air conditioning on.” That’s how i’d write it (again no edit or anything there, just for example sake)

 

 

 

 

A loud roar was heard a few seconds later, due to the Cavalcade’s V8 special engine, Luis did care a lot about his car, and everything had to be perfect on his Cavalcade, from the looks to the mechanics. A louder roar was echoing in the area and lights were turned on from the neighbors, they were waken up due to the loud roar from the engine, it was like the king of the cars, music to some people’s ears.

Again it’s sounding like a report, like an article.

Instead of saying “a loud roar was heard” why not have the loud roar HAPPEN.

“Luis started the engine which roared to life like an angry lion.” – a little cheesy, but it shows what i mean. Have the engine turn on, have the readers experience the sound. I also think you’re overdoing the description – it’s like you LOVE this car, and you’re forcing it down our throats (Special engine, king of cars etc).

 

Fifteen minutes passed until Luis reached his destination, just a few meters away from his home, he proceeded his routinely work of arriving at a destination and exiting his vehicle,

Again, too many words for a simple thing. He proceeded his routine of arriving at a destination and exiting his vehicle. Why not just say “Fifteen minutes later he was walking into his apartment, glad to be home”? We don’t need in depth descriptions about his “routine” of stopping the car, switching off the engine, getting out.... So far, nothing has happened in the story, and you’ll find readers will be tuning out. So far, Luis was at work, and has come home. There’s been no trigger (an event that kickstarts the story) or quest (what the protag wants), just a report about his daily life. Something needs to happen. You need something that’s going to make the readers want to read on. It started with Luis playing with his keys, which struck me as if he was avoiding something. It’s now apparent that he was just fiddling for no reason – and there is nothing left that makes me want to read on.

 

 

just as he was walking towards the entrance of his building a strong bang was heard, Luis was hit from behind with a steel pipe and he was knocked unconscious, dust raised in the air as a result of Luis’ body clashing with the earth, a few minutes later Luis regained consciousness and as a result of the hard hit, a small blood trail was going down from the back of his head towards the ground, he kept rubbing his head even though it hurt him, he was frowning a bit and he turned around looking up, just above him there was a figure standing and the light pole was reflecting down onto the figure, resulting in a silhouette, Luis’ eyes widened as he saw the figure’s hand being extended towards him, he could trust no one in that moment, not even his own mother, although the silhouette grabbed Luis’ hands and pulled him up forcefully, Luis shook his hand off and backed away. “Whoa! H-h-hold on there b-b-bro, don’t g-get any c-c-closer!” Luis stuttered while staring into the man’s eyes, they seemed familiar, the figure took two steps closer to Luis, revealing his face, it was the same man from the afternoon the one Luis mocked, Luis was surprised although he raised his guard preparing himself for a battle. “No, no, no, no! I will not hurt you, kind sir!” the rough voice of the homeless man said. “What is it then?! It’s kind of weird that you showed up just now when I was hit!” – Luis said, with a higher voice, almost shouting-like. “I saw someone falling to the ground while I was walking and I shouted at the attacker, he turned around and ran as fast as he could.” The man said. A gut feeling was telling Luis to trust this homeless man; he examined the homeless man from the head to the shoes arching an eyebrow. “What’s your name bro?” – “My name is Travis, Travis Johnson.” The man replied to Luis. “Alright Travis, alright, I d-don’t know how to repay this act of kindness.” – “I got an idea, follow me bro.” said Luis with a calmer voice.

Again with the long sentences. I got lost in this paragraph. Who was talking when? I can’t work out what the “bang” was before he got hit.

To be honest, this entire thing feels like you sat down, wrote it, then uploaded it. I’d recommend putting this aside, for now, and writing a few short stories. Learn and practice. I believe i mentioned in our PMs about “one shots” they would benefit you. Also iirc I recommended a book – obtaining that, or a similar book might help (the one i mentioned had some good exercises in) to which Ebay might help. Bookshops should be able to order them in for you. Also, read. Notice what other writers do, with formatting and grammar.

I think it’d be more beneficial to write some shorts and learn the craft by doing – it’s better to slowly build up, do a short well then try to tackle a longer story.

 

 

The two then slowly paced towards the building where Luis was living, although Luis being the kind of man who rarely trusts people, he played along and went on with Travis. A few minutes later a door to his house was opened. “Make yourself comfortable Travis, I’ll get you some food and a drink. Beer or soda?” “Soda, please” replied Travis. “Rarely nowadays there are kind homeless people in the streets, people either want to attack you or kill you” thought Luis in his head.

Again it feels like you’re using a lot of words to say very little, when the goal is the opposite. Again with the “pacing” as well, it just feels like you’re making an effort to avoid saying “walking”, when “walking” will do.

Now, if Luis doesn’t trust this man, why the hell is he taking him into his home? I don’t understand that. If he’s humouring, why not walk round the corner to a coffee bar?

This entire thing feels very impersonal to me. “The door was opened” – why not “Luis opened the door.”

Also a note about speech. Each new speaker begins on a new line. So instead of:

 

A few minutes later a door to his house was opened. “Make yourself comfortable Travis, I’ll get you some food and a drink. Beer or soda?” “Soda, please” replied Travis. “Rarely nowadays there are kind homeless people in the streets, people either want to attack you or kill you” thought Luis in his head.

it should read:

 

A few minutes later Luis opened his apartment door.

“Make yourself comfortable Travis, I’ll get you some food and a drink. Beer or soda?”

“Soda, please,” replied Travis.

Rarely nowadays there are kind homeless people in the streets, people either want to attack you or kill you. Luis thought in his head.

It’s rare that “thoughts” are found inside speech marks. Usually they’re done in italics. The way you did it is confusing – i thought a new person was talking.

 

How to do italics on these forums: [i] put your text here [/i]

 

 

 

“Got a place to sleep bro’?” asked Luis while staring at the TV, enjoying his favorite show. “Apart from some cardboard box in an alleyway, not really.”

“Alright, tell ya’ what, you can sleep here bro, but you ain’t leavin’ until I wake up.” said Luis with a more serious voice while looking straight into Travis’ eyes.

I still don’t understand why Luis would invite a man he doesn’t trust into his house, let alone allow him to sleep there.

 

This does need a big rewrite if I’m honest. Apart from someone hitting Luis on the head, there’s nothing happening. I won’t go as far as say it was boring – at times you got Luis’s character right. As i said it might be an idea to set this aside, and work on mastering the art of writing and tackle this again when you can improve it.

 

I know most of the above will sound negative, in a way, but there is some positives. On the whole, spelling was good – on or two small errors but nothing major. I’m not seeing “dat” or any word like that (i did once see such a thing), and i can see that you’ve put some effort into it.

But i think you got over excited. A word of advice i give many people is to leave it for a week. Write something else, then come back to it, and proof read it. Search for spelling errors. Search for tense and viewpoint errors. Make sure it all makes sense. Also, can you improve on any of the sentences? Can you say what you want to say with less words, and more of an impact? This can be hard at times - i find editing harder than writing itself. There are times where your favourite sentence has to go, because if you look at it objectively, it simple does not work. That can suck, but the overall quality will improve. Be patient – in both writing/editing a piece, and learning/improving your skill.

 

VIEWPOINT:

 

As mentioned above. This is something i’ve messed up on, but it’s a simple thing.

Firstly you need to decided on the view point. First person (I did this, I did that...) third person (He did this, he did that). Once that’s decided, imagine your story as a film. Where’s the camera? Is it inside the protag’s head? Or is it floating around, seeing all?

 

There are advantages to both. Firstly, if you’re writing in Luis’s head, you can make the story personal, you can show his thoughts and feelings easier, and the whole thing will be HIS story.

The other “god’s eye” viewpoint, allows you to show the reader EVERYTHING. With the personal one, you only show what Luis can see. With the latter, the reader can be warned of that mugger hiding round the corner. Both have pros and cons, but you need to decide where your “camera” is.

 

I think that’s it. I hope i’ve not been overly critical. I’ll be honest, and say there’s work to be done, but work that’s a collection of moderately small things. You can write, you can spell, and that’s a start. A few improvements to be made, and you’ll get there.

 

And as said, perhaps a few short stories to allow you to get to grips with all the tricks and the language. If you write a short story, you can post that as a new topic, and get feedback on it. One word of advice though – be original. Write your short stories as non fan fiction – the reason is you’ll get the best writers here having a look at it, and their advice is twice as good as mine!!

 

 

 

**

 

EDIT by Em: Fixed your quotes. wink.gif

Edited by Eminence

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AceRay

Get rid of the huge, ugly lumps of text which are about as inviting to read as a brick wall and then maybe I'll read it, as it is its just ugly. Morks has set you on the right foot.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TonyZimmzy

Preview post, bro. Use it next time. cry.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
VProductions

What is preview post? smile.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AceRay

 

What is preview post?  smile.gif

The button next to the "add reply" button lets you preview what you wrote before you post it to see whether you got the coding right.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • 1 User Currently Viewing
    0 members, 0 Anonymous, 1 Guest

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using GTAForums.com, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.