Pistols At Dawn

[ainsz]

When the Earth makes it's final turn before the Solar Warrior rests, the inhabitants will have to adapt.

 

My late neighbour told me that once. He was old and had these crazy philosophies and ideas. For some reason, I could relate what he said to today. The sky had turned to that dusk orange we had seen on the news, weeks before today. The plague had come to New York, Spreading east all the way from LA. Panic throughout the populace was immediate. Absolute pandemonium ensued through every street and alley. All but one of the bridges leading out had been destroyed by military forces. The compact set up of Manhattan was taking it's toll, with millions of knife wielding, pistol tooting lunatics in the streets, thousands had been murdered and There was no escape.

 

Looking out from the roof of my apartment block, I see a war zone. The corridors of urban jungle echoed anarchy. The uninfected were numbered. Two of them, me and my girl. Me and Lindsay would survive, we'd make it to the end. I would never let Lindsay out of my reach. We'd sit, holding each other on the couch hours after hours, enduring the explosions and gunfire shaking the dust off the corners of the ceiling. We vowed to each other to never make a move alone; that together we're invincible.

 

A new day begins, I awake expecting those beautiful eyes to meet mine. But where is Lindsay? Streaks of blood covers the walls. Furniture is smashed and the smell of burning lingers. I dart around the apartment looking for her. I shout her name over and over, to no avail. Back on the roof, I see the sky has put on a few shades of orange over the recent days. There's no chaos but I hear some sort of announcement.

 

It was another visit from the military. I see thousands of the infected covering the whole east bank, relentlessly screaming and fighting amongst themselves. The military in the backdrop were setting up camp on the remaining bridge. This didn't look good. Over all this, the man in green on the megaphone speaks of things to come.

 

The gist of it wasn't pleasant. Those bastards had saved the bridge leading into New Jersey open for evacuation. The catch was, they would be destroying our little island the coming morning with those glorified cannons they had placed across the river.

 

My heart sunk when my mind reverted to a more pressing issue. Lindsay. With time against me, I will find her and who ever took her, for I won't escape alone. It was pistols at dawn.

Edited June 12, 2013 by ainsz

[TenEightyOne]

Not bad... sorry not to be more kind!

 

The first and most obvious point is that your tenses (then, now, the future) seem to be a bit muddled. I had to read "here we were now" a couple of times to regain my bearings. That strange kind of tense-switching seemed to be a theme throughout. It doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.

 

The idea for the story is really really good but I don't think you introduce it well. When we find out that you and your girl are infected the impact of the news is diluted by being set partway into a paragraph.

 

I wouldn't consider myself to be a particularly good writer so please don't think I'm just being obtuse; the story concept is good and I think it would work really well with some tuning!

 

EDIT: Another thing! "Like something out of Spitfire or Starlight" is a bit lazy, no? Set your own scene - don't just try to inherit one from someone else's movei!!!

[ainsz]

Thanks for the constructive feedback Mate . I didnt notice the changes in tense as I was writing, or even editing - something I'll have to watch out for in future. Also, the Spitfire/Starlight thing is actually a personal joke I felt like putting in, I'm not aware of any real films with those names.

 

I should have a new part up tonight.

[TenEightyOne]

Thanks for the constructive feedback Mate . I didnt notice the changes in tense as I was writing, or even editing - something I'll have to watch out for in future. Also, the Spitfire/Starlight thing is actually a personal joke I felt like putting in, I'm not aware of any real films with those names.

 

I should have a new part up tonight.

Haha, I see now! I'd never heard of them but then I'm old

 

In that case it's a nice idea - but work it in a little more by saying something about those films in the story's universe... if noone but you can get any meaning from it then it's probably not worth putting it in there

[ainsz]

Venturing out, properly for the first time since the outbreak was terrifying. A city I'd become so familiar with for many years had become the unknown. Every corner brought a new fear in me. My heart, pounding, my breath heavy, my hands shaking. I had no weapons to kill any infected that got in my way.

 

With no direction, I prioritised on killing. It was a possible, simple solution on finding any information on Lindsay, she came before making my own escape. If only we lasted another night together, we could have made it to the bridge with no problems, safe and sound... I meditated my plans in my head over and over. I would slowly pace my way across town, towards the bridge and pick up on any leads I could get along the way.

 

I entered an alleyway, gliding my back against the wall. Out of no where, two infected slam in to ground by my feet. They were fighting; one was on top of the other holding him down, pointing a gun. The one on bottom was trying to restrain him from shooting, they both screamed out in anguish. A shot was fired and the pistol flung to the floor and slid to my grasp and they both fell limp on the floor. I picked up the piece of metal and caressed it's trimmings. The barrel was hot and branded my fingers as i moved them down. The two restless infected looked up at me as I held the gun in their direction. My finger hovered over the trigger. One of the infected started screaming and pounced at me like a wild cheetah. In a rushed panic I closed my eyes and pulled the trigger.

 

I looked down and found my first taste of dead blood. I was exhilarated, empowered by new found power over sheer life. The remaining of my prey stepped up, took one glance at me and began sprinting away. I held my pistol in front of my face, focused down the sights and targeted his leg. Pull the trigger.

 

The bullet tore through it's shin and it's face shunted to floor and dragged across the gravel beneath him, it howled in agony. I lifted it's face and shoved the gun into it's cheek. I demanded for it to speak, I knew it could. I repeatedly pummeled it's face with the gun and finally it uttered a faint stop. I ask him if it knows of a girl, a woman that had passed through the area. It remembers a dark haired woman; running, hiding, taken... Taken by a group of men, armed men. Spit it out you f*ck! They took her to a store, A deli, at the end of the street.

 

It must be her. I thank the creature with a bullet in the mouth. It felt fitting to me, satisfying even. I was hellbent on finally getting her back in my arms. We'd get to New Jersey safe and sound together because together we're invincible. I bet she missed me, I couldn't wait any longer to see her face again, those eyes that induced that warm feeling inside me. That pure ecstasy I found in her, taken by some freak.

 

My thoughts had occupied me during my short walk to the Deli. Just as the late freak had told me; their were indeed men inside, I could hear their voices. This could be a trap however, these could be his men. I had to be cautious, take my time. The conversations from inside entailed of some kind of pick up incoming; they were giving orders, demands, I could hear crying. Lindsay! I stormed through the entrance and rang the bell. In a swift leap across the room, I took all four men out with my pistol with surprising ease. The girl had escaped their clutches and ran out through the back of the shop. I got a quick glance at her face, her beautiful face. It was definitely Lindsay. I ran for her and peered out the back door and shouted for her. She was gone.

 

She must have thought I was one of them. She must have not recognised me... Not got a proper look at me. I returned to my new victims. These men were well kitted, They had an assortment of rifles and sub machine guns. I took from them what I could carry, wearing them over my shoulder with the sling and concealed my pistol in my jacket. I wouldn't need to use that for now, after my newly acquired upgrade.

 

It was time to continue my mission. Lindsay hadn't got far this time round, meaning she probably won't the next. I could and would catch up with her. It wasn't even nearly midday yet, I no longer felt challenged by the ever looming ticking clock, the pistols at dawn.

Edited June 12, 2013 by ainsz

[Mokrie Dela]

Firstly I'm a huge supporter of fanfiction but i'm not sure about this one.

 

I began reading, and saw one quick mention of Liberty City, and found myself a little detached. I wasn't getting any feel that this was GTA-esque. Lindsay is, to my knowledge, not a GTA character, or at least not one i remember. I'm not feeling like i'm in the GTA world, and although I support fanfics, i think this would be better as an original work.

 

The first person viewpoint is an interesting one. It adds a level of intimacy between the protagonist and the reader, making it more personal. This appears to be a disaster type thing (i have only read the first part) and having such a personal narration is promising.

 

However that's undone by the, quite frankly, lazy fanfic name drop. Why does it need to be liberty City? Would this not work in New York?

 

Teneightyone mentioned "like somethingout of Spitfire or Starlight" - be careful dropping such references. The only things i'm aware of that are called Spitfire is a plane and a Prodigy song, and Starlight is a track my Muse or the superman lovers. The reference confused me and whatever you were trying to say was lost. Instead, why not describe the scene more?

 

Tense has already been mentioned and to be frank, this looks like you wrote it and slapped it up here in a few minutes. I'm telling people all the time to leave your work for a while after you've written it. Write other things or whatever and come back to it after a week or so, with a fresh mind. Then, pick through your work, check for tense (past present future etc) and check for viewpoint (a mistake i've been making a lot, that i hadnt realised, was to narrate the story from one guy's perspective, only to change the viewpoint a lot - it's all personal then all of a sudden it's jerked away to the third person "god" eye). Also check for spelling and grammar, and ask yourself if the sentences are as best they can be. Sometimes you may have to edit a chapter three of four times, but while there's things like "Alderny" (it's Alderney) or tense errors, then it's not ready to be uploaded. I make these mistakes too, so don't think i'm just nitpicking.

 

 

My advice would be:

 

Go through this, editing it for spelling, grammar, viewpoint and tense etc. Improve it, cut out things, add things etc. Also i'd consider taking this out of Liberty City and into New York. Make it your own, if you can. Craft your own world, make it YOURS. Then reupload.

 

If you feel this HAS to be fanfic, set in LC not NYC, then by all means stick by your convictions. Fanfic is not regarded as real writing on these forums, and even that shakes my foundations, but you have to be strong and if you believe in it, stand by it. But ask yourself, can you do this set in the "real" world?

 

Don't be discouraged though. Work on this and you can improve. I see potential, but it still needs work imo

[ainsz]

I'm beginning to wonder what exactly constitutes a fan fiction. Truth is, this story is a part of a project that will hopefully one day see the light of day. They are all set in the GTA universe, just not the GTA canon. So, for me it wouldn't make sense for it not to be in LC. Although I can appreciate the way it must feel cheap and forced into the story with it's quick mentions.

 

I urge you to read the second part as I've taken all the help I've got from Eminence, AceRay and Teneightyone heavily in mind.

 

Thanks for your words mate! I'm worked on my slip ups on tenses.

And thanks to your post, I'm going to overhaul the first chapter before making part 3.

 

[Mokrie Dela]

Fan fictions a loose term meaning a work that is based on someone else's. ill check ou the second when I can - ill edit this post with my thoughts too. Watch this space

[Ziggy455]

A simple question; WHY did this have to be set in Liberty City? Why did this have to become a FanFic at all? Your basis was infection and the military. Setting it in Liberty City just feels like a cheap trick. Not to say you aren't a good writer, your grammar and such is good. I just can't understand why you had to set this in Liberty City. It would be strong enough to stand on it's own.

 

It's like:

 

A MAN MUST FIND HIS FAMILY BUT HAS RADIATION POISON in Liberty City.

 

A SHOOTOUT CAUSES MASSIVE REPURCUSSIONS in Liberty City.

 

Do you see what I mean? FanFiction sullies the story IF it is one that can actually stand on it's own narrative.

[ainsz]

Okay, as I said I would, I have overhauled the first chapter (more of an intro) and will continue with chapter 3 soon.

 

I haven't written in so long as I haven't had a PC for a long time.

 

 

[Mokrie Dela]

I've repress the first chapter then saw my rely and actually thought I'd posted in the wrong topic. Fanfiction is nowhere to be seen and it felt a lot more credible. A few distant memories from when I read it before but I honestly thought this was new. Perhaps I don't remember the old one...

 

Not much I can add, but it wasn't bad! Still a few minor tense issues 'it was...' then switching to present tense, but on the whole not bad.

[ainsz]

Walking back out, I discuss in my head, the nature of the infected. It seemed they were not disease ridden, they were not physically disfigured, on the face of it they looked as human as myself. Their problem seemed more of a mental one. I couldn't quite determine what though. I stop at an intersection and look for any sign of my girl. I can faintly hear another gunfight, it was intensifying. A screeching roar flew overhead and erupted on the buildings beside me.

 

I head over to where it came from and I'm met with a monstrous war zone. Two sides of the infected were fiercely fighting each other in the street, the blinding flashes of guns explosions dazzled my senses as the ground shook to their every war chant, scream and movement. Neither of the opposing forces showed a shred of daunt as they fought for whatever cause they had in their mind, if they had one. I hid myself behind a low wall and watched in fascination as the battle between two armies of freaks raged on.

 

I noticed a group of the infected had drawn themselves to side of the road and were moving up. They were flanking and would soon meet with me if they got close enough. I had to move. Keeping my head below the wall, I slink forwards passing misfit troops, just inches from me. Finally I lunge into the lobby of some residential building. And wait under a window for the flankers to walk by.

 

Lindsay was getting further away from my reach with every moment that passed. I couldn’t sit around much longer. I was feeling disheartened, I felt my chances of finding her were now against me, my real chance of finding her was lost back at the Deli. I peered my head up and looked out at the mascaraed of blood. The reality of the situation was hitting me hard, anxiety and realisation was twisting my head. But no, I wasn't giving up. I had hardly begun my search. My emotions were being replaced, I felt stronger, my head had been twisted and the outcome was unrelenting rage. Anger had reinfused my own cause to find her and I had the means to do so.

 

The flankers had arrived. The trio of freaks were staying cautious behind the low wall. I unleashed my Sub machine gun, hauled myself out the building and took out all three with quick swipe of aim and fire. I was about to take cover and plan my approach but I had been seen. Though members of the infected cheered for me. They celebrated me and from the crowd, I was pulled in to the march. I had no way out, I was pushed more and more forwards along with thousand of armed grunts all with the same mindset, kill the other side. We were getting closer to the frontline. I could see the the ones already there, being gunned down within seconds. This was bad, I didn't have an inch to move, I feared what was about to happen, I was trapped in somebody else’s war.

 

The other side seemed stronger, yet no one was falling back,. Then the enemies really upped the ante. From over the hill two gunships came into sight. No way could the infected organise such a war effort, could they? Bullets came by at immense speed and numbers. The thudding sound of penetration took over the whole soundscape. Blood was gushing out of the standing corpses infront of me, the weight of which began to overthrow the whole march and like a sequence of dominoes, the army was falling. I was shunted to the ground under dozens of bloody freaks. The gunships continued to take out the rest and I was again stuck, only now under the weight of hundreds of bodies. Only my head was free.

 

The overkill of bullets had finally stopped, only one chopper remained, while the other had returned over the horizon. I scoped around, while trying to free myself. I see just one man standing, waving their arms up to the chopper. I couldn't believe it, It was no man, it was my beloved. What was she doing? I wasn't sure of her motives, trying to get the attention of the gunship. I had no time, finally another chance to reunite with her, to be complete once again. I was struggling to get out, all I could do was squirm and fidget my body, try to worm myself out of this literal death hole. My eyes turned back, to Lindsay, she was still waving, frantically. Finally, I had an arm free. The chopper started to turn. I squirmed some more, faster and faster I tried to escape. The chopper was now facing Lindsay, panic had overridden my system, my heart was pounding. Another arm free, I pushed down on the bodies and slowly lifted myself up. The chopper now hovering right over her, I quickly noticed an RPG still in the clutches of one of the fallen. I jumped for it, got back on my feet and fired. The force of the RPG threw me back, I caught a glimpse of the chopper spiralling down and heard it crash behind the buildings away from us.

 

Once again, I picked myself up and I saw Lindsay still standing there. With a mask of fear on her face, she sprinted away. I wasn't ready to let her get away this easily - all over again. I followed suit and ran for her.

Edited June 13, 2013 by ainsz

[ainsz]

I hope you enjoyed part 3.

 

She ran and ran. Again and again I shouted for her to stop. I was getting closer, just a few feet away, I reached my arm out to grasp her shoulder, my fingertips just caught a touch of the fabric of her top, she turns her head to me and screams, I'm pulled back by both my shoulders and all goes black.

 

I awake sat on a chair, with a bunch of freaks standing around me. I was in an old pub, The bar had been emptied of any beverage. Shattered glass had set the trend for the decoration. The carpets had either been burned or pulled up and the wood panels and furnishings, either smashed up or filled with bullet wounds. One freak walked around me, broken glass crunched under his boots as he circled me. All the freaks were armed and were staring at me, this particular freak held a silver pistol in his hands and had it loosely aimed at me at all times. I figured he was the leader.

 

Finally it speaks. Asking me of my whereabouts and name. He says he is impressed with me, he wants me to join him. Though if I didn't, he would kill me on the spot, or send me to a Panic Station. I didn't know what that was but as he spoke those two words, his lapdogs mumbled a cheer. So what was it going to be? I knew myself I wouldn't ever join them, I wasn't one of them. I just wanted Lindsay. I offer my hand and we shake. It was settled. The head freak turned around with a smile wrapped around it's face. I got up from the chair and grabbed him round his neck with my left arm and took hold of his right hand and crushed his finger into the trigger with my right, taking one freak down. All of them aimed their rifles at me, I took a few steps back, with leader still in my control. I took another one down, using his hand. None would shoot back, their loyalty had over ridden them. Another and another were shot down, they just stood there without a flinch and fell.

 

All of them on the floor, I threw the leader down by it's fellows and let my fists finish the last freak in the room. I found my backpack and headed off, back on my crusade. I was only a few blocks from the bridge now, Though the sky was still illuminated as ever, the time had jumped to one A.M. Only a few hours left before we would all perish. My mind couldn't distract from what had just happened. The freaks were organised, they were coordinated. They had hierarchy and camaraderie. It seemed this infection was no normal disease. It was mind altering, complex and there was still much more to learn about it.

 

I was just around the corner from the bridge. On the other side was dozens of soldiers patrolling the area. I decided I would wait for her here, she would surely make it. She was strong. For the first time in weeks, the streets felt calm and I felt contempt. I even broke a smile and had no idea why. I rested against a wall and waited.