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GTA-King

The downfall of Tommy Vercetti...

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GTA-King

 

user posted image

 

The downfall of Tommy Vercetti

 

Chapter 1: The Rosenberg Situation

 

The year was 1994. Ken Rosenberg was living in a condo in uptown Los Santos, San Andreas. For the past 2 years, his cocaine addiction has gotten worse. He followed Mad Dogg around on tour with Kent Paul and Maccer. During the 1993 tour, Ken's coke addiction started to get worse. He would be up for days in Mad Dogg's mansion, snorting coke off of models' asses. He really had no sense of purpose, just partying at Madd Dogg's mansion. He was in one of Mad Dogg's music videos last year. You know... the closeup of the guy that had coke all over his face? That was Ken. Anyway, his life was basically in the sh*tter. Ken always says to himself (during one of his coke frenzies) "I wouldn't even be in this position if Tommy didn't cut me out of his operation." Ken is tired of talking and not acting, so he decided to take action... to finally gain a piece of mind. He decided to call Tommy's old nemesis... the Forelli's.

 

"Hello? Is Franco around?" said Ken, sitting on his patio while wiping coke from his nose.

 

"Who is this?" asked the man on the other line.

 

"Look, just let me speak with Franco. I have a deal I would like to propose."

 

As Ken is waiting, he snorts another line off the patio table.

 

"Who the f*ck is this?" said Franco, finally.

 

Ken wiped the remaining coke off his nose. "This is Ken Rosenburg. I'm sure you've heard of me."

 

"Oh yes. So what the f*ck do you want?"

 

"I'm willing to put a $1,000,000 bounty on Vercetti's head." Ken said, coldly.

 

"And how the f*ck do you have that kind of money?"

 

Ken looked at the patio table. There was 2 kilos of coke sitting there... untouched.

 

"I have my resources. So do we have a deal or not?"

 

"Meet us in Liberty for the exchange." replied Franco.

 

Ken hangs up, then snorts his last line of coke. He puts the 2 kilos into a duffel bag, and heads out the door.

 

Franco is now pacing around his office in Staunton Island, Liberty City. Ken is willing to pay that much for Vercetti's head? If Ken was serious, Franco knew he had no way of performing the hit. His hit men wasn't all that great. Ever since the Vice City massacre and losing their stake in Caligula's in Venturas, the Forelli's influence was depleting. He decided he was going to need outside help, and devised the perfect plan.

 

"Hey Mike, arrange a sitdown with the Leones. I've got a rather profitable deal for Mr. Salvatore." Franco said.

 

2 days later, Franco and his men meet Ken at Francis International Airport. They picked him up, and then began driving towards Portland.

 

"Where's the money?" said Franco.

 

"It's all right here." said Ken nervously, pointing at the duffel bag.

 

Franco told one of his men to search the bag.

 

"Ahhh f*ck! What is this?" said Franco's goon.

 

"Ummm, yeah I had a bit of an accident before my trip here. I don't like flying much. I figured that would be a good cover for airport security." Rosenberg said, embarassed.

 

His clothes and sh*tty underwear were covering the money in the duffel bag, which is how he got past airport security.

 

"You're still a pathetic piece of sh*t I see." Franco laughed.

 

Rosenburg faked a smile, and looked out the window.

 

They finally pull into Salvatore's drive way. They park the car, and walk into his estate.

 

"Mr. Leone is sitting on the bench out back. Please follow me." said one of Salvatore's men.

 

They followed the man out back.

 

"Ken Rosenberg. It's been 2 years since I last saw you." Salvatore said, getting up from his bench.

 

"Ummm, what the f*ck is going on Franco?!" said Rosenberg, frantically.

 

"Revenge for betraying us is Venturas." Franco grinned.

 

One of Salvatore's guards put a noose around Rosenberg's head, and tied it to the bottom of the bench.

 

"Time to sleep with the fishes, scum." Salvatore said, as he sat back down.

 

His men threw him off the side of the cliff, where he was strangled to death. After that, he was cut down... and fell into the ocean.

 

"You have no idea how satisfying that was." Franco said, watching as Ken's body floated out to sea.

 

"I've always hated that little prick. So what else was it that you wanted Franco?" asked Salvatore.

 

Franco took a seat next to him, and motioned for one of his guys to show Salvatore the money.

 

"Franco, I am not going to wash your dirty underwear." Salvatore said, looking in the duffel bag.

 

"No, that was how that prick Rosenberg got it through airport security. Mike, get that sh*t out of there!"

 

Mike threw the dirty underwear off the side of the cliff. Salvatore looked into the bag again.

 

"I will give you $1,000,000 in exchange for Tommy Vercetti's life." Franco said.

 

"Vercetti... that's the guy who sold out Sonny in the 80's right?" asked Salvatore.

 

Franco nodded.

 

"So Rosenberg wanted him dead? Why?"

 

Franco shrugged.

 

"You do know that Tommy was the guy that massacred 11 of my men in Harwood, under Sonny Forelli's orders, in 1971 right? Sonny wanted him dead, but he managed to kill all 11 of my men." said Salvatore.

 

"We are very aware of that. Which is why we are asking you personally to carry out this hit. Plus, we know you have the most influence... so it would be better if you handled it." said Franco.

 

"Well, for a $1,000,000... you have a deal. I will get my best guy on it." said Salvatore, grinning.

 

Chapter 2: Lust for Money

 

In 1991, Tommy lost a great deal of his businesses. The goverment seized Cherry Poppers after learning it was used for exporting coke, as well as his boat yard for importing the coke. About a month later, they find out his Printing Company is being used to make counterfiet money, so they seized that too. All Tommy really has now, in 1994, is a failing Taxi company called Kaufman cabs (competition finally beat them), a burnt out dance club... The Malibu Club. Without a steady supply of coke being given out to the people at the club, it became less fun... so less people come. A used-car dealership, that no on ever shops at, and a strip club. The Porn Studio is where most of Tommy's income comes from now. Because of his loss of influence in the city, Tommy has developed a pain killer/alcohol addiction... which started around the time the Printing Company was seized. Tommy married Mercedes in 1992, in a desperate attempt to ease his pain. He figured having a wife would keep his mind off of business. But things slowly become complicated through the years... since she's still in the Porn industry. Tommy eventually finds out that Mercedes was cheating on him with Steve Scott, Tommy's lead director in the porn business. After learning this, Tommy drives over to the studio and punches him right in the nose. As Steve is bleeding, he yells that Tommy is done with the porn business, and he's cutting him out. Tommy then storms off, but sees Mercedes on the way out. He backhands her, and yells...

 

"Why did you do it, you f*cking bitch?!"

 

"Because you are becoming broke, you asshole. I need to be supported!" said Mercedes, wiping blood from her mouth.

 

Tommy shook his head, and walked away, back to his infernus (which was supposed to be repo-ed due to lack of payments... but Tommy killed the repo man) and drove back to his mansion to wash away his sorrows in his office with some pain killers and vodka. Upon arriving, Tommy's head of security, Mario, meets him at the top of the staircase leading up to the mansion.

 

"Tommy, Avery Carrington called. He would like to have a meeting with you." Mario said, following Tommy up to his office.

 

"Tell him I'm not taking any meetings today." Tommy said, as he slammed his office door in Mario's face.

 

Chapter 3: Colombian Calculation

 

A storm was on the horizon as Avery was sitting in his Bobcat by the lighhouse in Ocean Drive. Around this time of year, Vice City got at least 6 storms a week. Avery kept looking in his rear view mirror for his contact to arrive. He bagan feeling nervous, and a bit sad at what he was about to do. But business is business... and ultimately, you have to go where the money. He then saw headlights behind him, and knew the choice to back out was completely off the table. He got out of his truck, and walked over to the black SUV.

 

"Hold it. Put your hands on the hood." said Miquel, stepping out of the SUV with some of his goons.

 

Avery did as he was told, and one of's Miquel's goons patted him down.

 

"So you're really going to go through with this Avery?" Miquel said, smiling.

 

Avery nodded his head.

 

"Good, cabrone. So here's how it works. You seize all developments here in Vice, and help us set us some developments of our own. You back up all developments we have for you, with your enfluence in the real estate world. Just as you've done for Tommy. Is that understandable?" said Miquel.

 

"There's nothing left for me here in Vice. It's basically just a retirement home now. No more room for guys like me here." said Avery, coldly.

 

"Excellent! We expect to see you in Liberty next month for our first development. Be sure and break all ties you have to Tommy by then." Miquel said, shaking Avery's hand.

 

Avery got back into his truck, and drove away. Ever since Tommy killed Ricardo Diaz in 1986, Miquel has dreamed of bringing him down. It was Diaz, afterall, who was Miquel's main distributor from Columbia. When Tommy killed him, he was then forced to supply HIM with coke instead of Diaz... something Miquel would soon regret. After Tommy's fronts were seized in 1991, the goverment cracked down hard on coke being pushed into vice... so it was hard for Miquel to make any money anymore. In 1993, Miquel decided to start on a new venture... pushing SPANK into Liberty City by using a construction company as a front. His first step in taking down Tommy was taking away his real estate guide, which will make him lose even more influence in the city. Since that was now completed, it was time to move on to the next and final step... killing him. Miquel took out his cell phone and dialed a number.

 

"Is this Auntie Poulet?" asked Miquel.

 

"It is my dear. And who you be?" said Auntie Poulet.

 

"I am the leader of the Columbian Cartel. I have a rather interesting propostion for you." said Miquel.

 

"I don't want no trouble with you Columbian boys, you hear?" she said.

 

"Oh no, it's nothing like that. This is somethime that is beneficial to both of us. Can we meet somewhere?"

 

"Meet me at my villa here in Little Haiti my dear, and we can discuss this oh-so important matter in person."

 

Miquel hung up, and order his driver to go to Little Haiti. Once they arrived, they parked in front of Auntie Poulet's house, then went and knocked on the door.

 

"Come in my dear. Please leave you boys outside, aight?" she said.

 

Miquel stepped into the trailer. Auntie Poulet offered him some tea, but he declined.

 

"It is my understanding that Tommy Vercetti betrayed you in 1986." said Miquel, as he took a seat.

 

Auntie Poulet's put her tea pots down on the coffee table.

 

"Yes, that fool done manipluated the gang war he had so that dem Cubans would win. Shunned him, and hated him, ever since den. Why you ask this?"

 

"Well, I would like to pay you, and your gang $10,000,000 for his head." Miquel said, grinning.

 

Auntie Poulet dropped her tea onto the carpet, and stared at Miquel.

 

"I take it that's a yes? Good. It doesn't matter who in yor gang kills him. You get paid regardless. I'm sure $10,000,000 will help you gain the

influence you deserve in this city. Might I suggest a raid on his mansion to be the most successful method?"

 

Auntie Poulet nodded her head.

 

"I can get me boys together from Haiti in about a month to perform the raid, my dear." she grinned, as Miquel shook her hand and left.

 

Chapter 4: Down the Rabbit Hole

 

Tommy was passed out at his desk. A bottle of pain killers to his left, a half finished bottled of Vodka to his right. He slowly raised his head from his desk, trying to adjust to the light. He popped another pain killer, and quickly washed it down with some vodka. He then laid his head back down, just as someone knocked at the door. Tommy ignored it. Then, Mario comes bursting into the room.

 

"Tommy, Avery is here. He wants a word with you." Mario said, an ashamed look on his face.

 

Tommy said nothing. He just kept his head down on his desk. Mario invited Avery in, and told him to take a seat. Mario then left the room. Avery took a seat in front of Tommy. After a few minutes of silence, Avery finally spoke up.

 

"Tommy look... we've been in business for about 8 years now. Property development in Vice is slowly running out. I have to move on. There's simply no business left for me here. I'm sorry Tommy. The columbians want me to help them develop a construction site in Liberty, and I've agreed to. I hope you can understand."

 

Tommy looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears.

 

"Just get out." he whispered.

 

"Pardon me?" said Avery.

 

"JUST GET THE f*ck OUT! YOU WANT TO BETRAY ME FOR THE COLUMBIANS?! JUST GET THE f*ck OUT YOU f*ckING SNAKE!" yelled Tommy, as he threw the vodka bottle at the wall behind him.

 

Avery stood up, and walked out. The last thing he said before leaving echoed inside Tommy's head.

 

"All good things must come to an end eventually, Tommy."

 

Tommy took another pain killer, then yells for Mario.

 

"Get the car ready. We're heading to the Malibu."

 

Mario shook his head, but listen to him. He got the car started as Tommy stumbled outside. During the drive to the club, Tommy realised he has lost all of his friends in Vice. The only person he really had left was Mario, and he was ashamed of him. Tommy knew that he cared alot for him, but he didn't know how to show his appreciation. He was too worked up about his own life to care. Once they arrived at the club, Tommy picked his favorite booth in the back... where it was the darkest. He ordered his favorite drink... a White Russian. He takes a sip, then pops another pain killer. Mario shakes his head, and heads towards the bar. Tommy spits at him, but misses and hits a dancer.

 

"Hey you mother f*cker" the dancer yelled.

 

"What?" Tommy asked. He was pretty wasted at this point.

 

The dancer walks right up to him, and punches him right in the mouth.

 

"Spit on me again you washed up mother f*cker, and see what happens!"

 

Mario comes running over, pulling the dancer away. Tommy is laughing while touching the blood running down his nose.

 

"No no, he's right Mario. Just look at me. I really am a washed up, pathetic, piece of sh*t. Just let him go."

 

Mario frees the dancer, and stares at Tommy for a few seconds, than walks back over to the bar. Tommy takes another long sip of his drink. Tommy

eventually passes out in his booth. Mario wakes him up a couple hours later with some bad news.

 

"Tommy, I just got word that the Haitans are planning an attack. It's just a rumor though... nothing confirmed. What are we going to do?" said Mario.

 

Tommy looked up at him, his face was laying on the table.

 

"What are we going to do? Well, we're going to f*cking kill them all! Go get the car ready." Tommy slurred.

 

Mario looked worried as he walked out of the club.

 

That night, Tommy was sitting at his back deck, sipping on some White Russian... comtemplating what to do. He took out his cell phone.

 

"Hey, can you meet me at the Escobar Airport runway lot tomorrow with some merchandise?"

 

"What kind of merchandise you looking for, old buddy?" said the man on the other line.

 

"The best you've got." said Tommy.

 

The next day, Tommy meets his contact at the airport runway. He knew he had arriving judging by the place.

 

"Tommy! My old buddy!" said Phil Cassidy, stumbling out of his WWII fighter plane.

 

"Where the hell did you get this thing, Phil?" Tommy said, flipping a cigerette away.

 

"I've been traveling the good 'ol USA collecting military merchandise since 1986. Trying to start my own military enterprise in Liberty. Got this

baby in Las Venturas from an old military airport. Flew it all the way to Cuba to pick up some of my merchandise there. Got what you need by the

way."

 

Phil pulled a gun crate out of the cargo hold of the plane.

 

"Good luck, comrade. Give them hell!" Phil said, then he takes off.

 

Tommy opens up the gun crate. There was an M60 inside.

 

Chapter 5: Resignation

 

Tommy was sitting in his office, drunk as a skunk. He has almost downed an entire bottle of pain killers. He was looking out the window. Another storm was on the horizon. Both geographically, and metaphorically. Tommy was watching the lighting in the distance, just as we was watching Haitans to raid his mansion any minute. He finished his bottle of pain killers, and dropped it on the floor, where it rolled towards the M60 he purchased from Phil... which was leaning against the wall. Then, Mario came into the room.

 

"Tommy, words on the street is there is alot of movement coming out of Little Haiti. I think they are planning to attack soon. What are we going to do?" asked Mario, sounding worried.

 

"We're going to fight them, Mario. What else?" Tommy said, arrogantly.

 

Mike shook his head.

 

"Tommy. I think it's best if we try to escape the city. We don't have as much firepower, let alone manpower, as we did in the 80's. I think it would be best if we just went on the run."

 

Tommy roared with laughter.

 

"Run? That's your answer? Wow, you have become a real pussy for someone who's in charge of my security. Get the f*ck out of my face."

 

Mario said nothing as he left the office, closing the door softly behind him.

 

Tommy downed the rest of his vodka, took another bottle of pain killer from his desk, and popped 6 at once. He knew he was close to an overdose, becase the room was spinning uncontrably. Tommy got up from his desk, and tried to walk over to the couch to rest. He collapsed on the floor, and started crawling around his office.Tommy's mind began to race. So this is how it all ends? An overdose? He then passed out...

 

Tommy awoke to the sound of gunfire. It was coming from out front. He ran over to check his monitors, and noticed about 6 vans parked out front. There was Haitians all over the front yard, shooting at Tommy's men. They were almost inside the estate. Tommy ran over to his M60, picked it up, and slammed in onto his desk and loaded it. He grabbed his bottle of pain killers, and took the rest of him in one quick gulp. As he was putting the bandolier into the M60, he heard a loud crash at the front door. The Haitians were inside. Tommy ran over to his office door, and locked it. Then he ran back to the monitor. Mario was on the upper floor balcony, with 2 of Tommy's other goons.

 

"Get out of here, boss!" Mario yelled.

 

Tommy could hear him through the walls. He looked at the office door, then back at the monitor just in time to see Mario and his 2 goons gets mowed down by a group of Haitains who snuck up the back staircase. Mario died trying to protect him. Tommy should have listened to Mario, and left the city. But no. Rage begin to burn inside Tommy now.

 

"YOU f*ckING MOTHERf*ckERS!" he bellowed, as he slammed the bandolier shut.

 

He looked at the monitor again, and noticed there was a group right outisde his office door, about to bust in. Tommy positioned himself right in front of the door with the M60. He opened fire on it, tearing not only the door to shreds, but the Haitains behind it as well. He slowly walked out onto the second floor. There was a group by the front door. Tommy opened fire on them, killing most of them. One of them got lucky and hit Tommy in the shoulder. Tommy could barely feel it due to all the painkillers he took. He killed the last of them by the front door, then focused his attention on the second floor. They were POURING out of the room leading from the back staircase.He managed to take out 4 or 5 of them, when they starting pouring out from the first floor room that also leads to the back staircase. He then began opening fire on them, just as more came from the 2nd floor and Tommy got clipped about 5 times before he fell to the ground. He crawled, bleeding, back to the door of his office. He struggled to get back to his feet. Once he did, he walked back over to the edge of the stair case and began opening fire towards the Haitains near the 2nd floor room.

 

"EAT LED YOU f*ckING COCKSUCKERS!"

 

Tommy maws through the rest on the 2nd floor, then focuses his attention on a small group that comes barreling through the front door. He takes out 3 of them, then the M60 jams. Tommy tried to fix it, but fails. The Haitians seized fire, for some reason, and just stared at Tommy.

 

"WHAT!? THAT'S ALL YOU PRICKS GOT?!" Tommy bellowed, then started laughing uncontrollably while holding his wounds.

 

Boom. Tommy was shot in the back. The gun had to of been very powerful, because it knocked Tommy all the way down the front steps, to the floor below. All the Haitains looked up at the man who shot him, mad at him for stealing their bounty. The man was Toni Cipriani, the hitman Don Salvatore hired to kill Tommy. Toni then ran back into Tommy's office, repelled back down the window, and out to this boat. He then left Vice City and went into hiding for the next 4 years. The Haitians then decided to just burn down Tommy's mansion, so they started throwing gasoline everywhere.

 

The blood from Tommy's back poured out onto the carpet, eventually reaching the open front door, and out towards the city he lost...

 

 

Edited by GTA-King

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Fisplen

Wow... That. Was. Amazing.

I felt like I was really reading something from an actuall book man!

Nice job , I really felt some sympathy for Mario when he got gunned down , and I was happy that Tommy got killed?!

Dude , You really did good here if You're making me feel happy from Tommys death.

And The ending with Toni... That really makes sense , Atleast now I know who he killed , instead of some " Made Man " .

Overlall , excellent.

 

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GTA-King

^ Thanks man! Much appreciated! icon14.gif +Respect

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Mokrie Dela

Just gave this a read and it's not bad. Ever since seeing the graffiti in IV, I've wondered how the characters would die.

 

I'm not going to do a line by line edit, but a few things:

 

Firstly In the opening, you seemed to repeat yourself a lot. No need to keep saying ken, but mostly, it's 'mad doggs mansion' that stuck out for me.

 

Ken's coke addiction started to get worse. He would be up for days in Mad Dogg's mansion, snorting coke off of models' asses. He really had no sense of purpose, just partying at Madd Dogg's mansion.

Firstly as you're giving the background, i think it should be 'ken's coke addiction had started to get worse' or simply 'had gotten worse' - past tense as its happened

 

Next:

He would be up for days in Mad Dogg's mansion, snorting coke off of models' asses. He really had no sense of purpose, just partying at Madd Dogg's mansion

This is what I mentioned above.

 

He would be up for days in Mad Dogg's mansion, snorting coke off of models' asses. He really had no sense of purpose, just partying with the rapper

 

 

He would be up for days, partying at mad doggs mansion. He had no sense of purpose, he spent most of his time snorting cocaine off of models' asses, or toilet seats, most of the time the latter.

That's my own rewrite of it. No repeats. I added the toilet seat in because I think that shows him as the same sad character. Cocaine off of models asses implies success - I doubt a model would allow a man like ken to snort cocaine off of her ass, although it could work.

 

Up until now the voice of the narrator (you have to realise the narrator is a character too and has their own style/voice) has been pretty formal, matter of fact. The next part the narrator becomes very informal, almost like he's talking to a friend in the bar. This pulled me out of the story. It felt as though someone else had taken over telling me it. It's a nice line, 'you know, the guy with all the coke on his face' but it doesn't fit with the rest of the narration. IMO that needs to be changed

 

I like the idea of ken resenting tommy for his own failure in life and seeking such radical revenge.

 

But his death was too quick. It didnt even shock me as you didn't give the reader a chance to react. Before I realise he was going to get whacked(which btw I don't think would be done at salvatores mansion - they'd distance themselves i feel) he was already dead.

Consider stretching it out a little describe the walk from the house to the cliff, show us kens concern/fear. Give us some uncertainty then, when he's hanged, discribe it. Show use him being pushed, make us hear the noise of his neck and the look on the mob's faces.

 

The underwear bits made me laugh though. Classic, though a little low brow

 

 

Also when characters refer to dates, conside them saying "'71" instead of "1971" - I don't know anyone who says dates in full, most people abbreviate them

 

Also "for a $1,000,000" is wrong. Read it aloud it will say "for a one million"

Change that to either "for one millions" or "for $1,000,000"

Personally I don't like seeing figures written this way. It's personal preference but I think it looks untidy and lazy. I would write "a million" instead of the numeric

 

I don't have to now to read the next part but I'd suggest this: out a new chapter ins new post, so it becomes easier for people to read. You don't HAVE to, and if this is short it doesn't matter but if its going to have more than 3/4 chapters I would consider it, personally

 

Aside from that I liked it. I noticed the odd grammar mistake but if you read and edit the reread before uploading you should avoid that

 

Ill give more feedback soon

 

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GTA-King

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

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Ziggy455

There's something about this that doesn't sit right with me. The dialogue feels clunky and the aggression in every line seems forced and cliche.

 

 

"Hello? Is Franco around?" said Ken, sitting on his patio while wiping coke from his nose.

 

"Who is this?" asked the man on the other line.

 

"Look, just let me speak with Franco. I have a deal I would like to propose."

 

As Ken is waiting, he snorts another line off the patio table.

 

"Who the f*ck is this?" said Franco, finally.

 

Ken wiped the remaining coke off his nose. "This is Ken Rosenburg. I'm sure you've heard of me."

 

"Oh yes. So what the f*ck do you want?"

 

"I'm willing to put a $1,000,000 bounty on Vercetti's head." Ken said, coldly.

 

"And how the f*ck do you have that kind of money?"

 

Ken looked at the patio table. There was 2 kilos of coke sitting there... untouched.

 

"I have my resources. So do we have a deal or not?"

 

"Meet us in Liberty for the exchange." replied Franco.

 

Ken hangs up, then snorts his last line of coke. He puts the 2 kilos into a duffel bag, and heads out the door.

 

Why would Ken pay for the death of a man that has saved his life numerous times, stopped him from being wiped out by the Forellis, and forced him to quit his cocaine addiction? You're making the characters the opposite of their real representations. Ken Rosenberg is an erratic, nuerotic, coward. He wouldn't even fathom killing the biggest criminal in the South. Plus, Ken wouldn't sell that coke, he'd snort it.

 

This seems like a rehashed, generic, GTA Fanfic. You should think long and hard about what you want from this story and what hasn't and has been told before. Can you go anywhere different?

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GTA-King

^ No, I'm fully comfortable with the story I have created.

 

In my view, Ken's coke addiction gets worse after the events of San Andreas. Basically all he is is a "rodie" for Mad Dogg... following him on tour with Maccer and Kent Paul. That's how his coke addiction gets worse. He starts thinking how he ended up in that position, and ultimately blames Tommy because he was the one that kicked him out of his organisation. That's enough for Ken to hate him, in my opinion. I mean... just take the movie Carlito's Way for example. Carlito's lawyer (who Ken is actually based on) grows increasingly paranoid, and even tries to have him killed. So I think Ken's character arc makes sense. Coke makes you paranoid man. Also, you said Ken is a coward. Exactly why I made him betray Tommy because he cut him out.

 

As for him selling his coke... well, he obviously wants Tommy dead pretty bad. That's what I was trying to get at. icon14.gif

Edited by GTA-King

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AceRay

 

This seems like a rehashed, generic, GTA Fanfic. You should think long and hard about what you want from this story and what hasn't and has been told before. Can you go anywhere different?

 

Agreed. Nothing really new here, its a kinda dull GTA fanfic most writers could sh*t out in an hour. I know you can do better than this GTAKing. Some phrases are nice here and there but overall, nothing really stands out as particually interesting.

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GTA-King
This seems like a rehashed, generic, GTA Fanfic. You should think long and hard about what you want from this story and what hasn't and has been told before. Can you go anywhere different?

 

Agreed. Nothing really new here, its a kinda dull GTA fanfic most writers could sh*t out in an hour. I know you can do better than this GTAKing. Some phrases are nice here and there but overall, nothing really stands out as particually interesting.

Well I'm done writing for awhile so it really doesn't matter. lol. confused.gif

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Ziggy455

Then why would you upload this? bored.gif

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GTA-King
Then why would you upload this? bored.gif

Boredom I suppose.

 

ph34r.gif

 

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Ziggy455

 

Then why would you upload this?  bored.gif

Boredom I suppose.

 

ph34r.gif

I know it seems sh*t, having people tell you your work isn't up to par. But do you think all of us writer's started out with amazing talent? I used to be TERRIBLE. I have gotten better, but I'm always learning. Why don't you try creating a short 1000 word story on something completely from your mind?

 

Or check out Outpost 32, it'll help you as a writer.

Edited by Ziggy455

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GTA-King

 

Why don't you try creating a short 1000 word story on something completely from your mind?

 

That sounds like a really good idea actually. Going to lay off the fanfics for awhile. Thanks for the inspiration! icon14.gif

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AceRay

 

I used to be TERRIBLE. I have gotten better

Believe me, he ain't lying. Discover the demons in Ziggy's dark and troubled past, ready to leap out! nervous.gif

 

 

It was a sunny day in the city of sun and phil cassidy was just waking up in his trailer when there was a knock at the door...

phil pulls himself out of bed and see that theres a guy with a ski mask peering through his window...

then it hit him...THE BOOMSHINE DEALERS!phil missed his payment on his order of 400 tons of boonshine...phil stood there thinking to himself whether he'd drank all the boomshine or he'd lost it all in the corrupt city of vice city.

 

But phil was soon snapped out of his boomshine fueled head when he heard the the boomshine dealer yell"hey armless phil..i want my money"...

luckily he had a back door leading out of the junk yard into a boat yard...

and so phil was on his way to prawn island..which was the safest place he knew...

he could n't go to tommy cause he'd already caused him enough trouble the first time with boomshine...he could n't even go to his pal ken rosenberg since he'd gone to san andreas to invest in a casino...

 

so phil drove his peice of old junk boat to prawn island but the dealers were already there waiting for him...

 

"we know everything you do ol phil ma boy"and with that they took him by his arm and drove to their hideout

 

Argh! The horror! The horror!

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Ziggy455

MY EYES! MY EYES ARE BURNING! barf8bd.gif

 

Sweet Jesus, see, GTAKing? We all started out like you.

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GTA-King

lol, that wasn't that bad. At least I can comprehend it. tounge.gif

 

I think one of my main problems is not proof-reading. When I'm writing, I type fast before I lose the thoughts in my head, and then it ends up looking like a train wreck. I get writer's block pretty bad, so I find myself constantly writing trying to avoid that I don't know. I'll get better. I'm going to try the short story idea next.

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Mokrie Dela

Yes defo do some shorts

 

And be patient, write how you are but then resist the urge to upload

Keep writing other things and come back to it after a week or so. Read it, tear it apart, check the spelling etc

I think that can be the hardest part at times. Read other people's work here (not jus to support them) and see what improvements have been suggested and why. Apply them to your story

 

If you have someone close to you maybe get them to read it (or a school teacher. My English teacher had one of my stories for a long time and he liked it)

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