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VProductions

Annihilation

Recommended Posts

VProductions

 

user posted image

 

Episodes

1. End Of A Legend

 

Cast

Soon...

 

Multicore

Ground Floor: Entrance and Reception

First Floor: Cashfly Casino

Second Floor: Legends Enterprises

Third Floor: Sunset Stripe Porn Studio

Seventh Floor: Multicore Hospital

 

Edited by VProductions

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Eminence

Well, to start with, I'd like to direct you to two pages. Being a little unfamiliar with TV scripts specifically, I just read through them, and it's largely the same as screenplay format, with just a few tweaks... regardless, it'd do you wonders to get acquainted with all the info here:

 

How to format a TV Script

Intro to TV Writing

 

As for the teaser here, it's so brief that it's hard to really get a handle on where it's going at the moment. For now I'll stick with a few observations on how you're doing with the formatting.

 

First, I'd avoid referencing camera movement. There's no need to say something like 'camera focuses on', because by simply describing something, the implication is that the camera is looking at it... otherwise, why else is it there!

 

Secondly, when you're introducing a character, you don't need to put them inside square brackets. Introduce them normally (using CAPS for the FIRST - and only the first - time they're introduced) and then put their age inside standard brackets. It's much cleaner.

 

Third, when you use a parenthetical (the stage directions, for lack of a better term, that you put inside the brackets) it should be on its own line, separated from both the character name and the dialogue.

 

A final little point - there's no need to have a line break between the character name and their dialogue. It'd look much cleaner to remove this.

 

So if we put all that together, your opening could look a little more like this:

 

//

 

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. MULTICORE ROOFTOP GARDENS - LAS VEGAS - NIGHT

 

A skinny man wearing a green suit sits on a bench, head in his hands. This is FLYNN (19). He lifts his head as a voluptuous woman in an elegant green dress stares across at him, waves him over. This is OPAL (20).

 

He rises and cautiously approaches her.

 

OPAL

(reassuring)

What's up, hun?

 

FLYNN

Can we actually do this?

 

OPAL

Listen, hun. Austin don't care about you.

 

 

//

 

Two other little things you'll notice here: one, I removed the parenthetical "unsure" from Flynn's line of dialogue, as this idea is quite explicitly implied through his dialogue itself - no need to repeat yourself! And two, I changed the word "don't" in Opal's second line of dialogue from "DON'T", as you wouldn't put dialogue in caps.

 

Oh, also, I didn't bother centering it, but that's just because of the pesky forum formatting. In the script, it certainly should be centred... but on the forum, it's not worth going through all the effort to do that, I don't think. It's perfectly readable in its most basic form, as shown above.

 

 

So! With that in mind, what I'd do is go to what you've written so far, brush up the formatting a touch, and then plow on forward with it! Good luck! wink.gif

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VProductions

Thanks, I edited it. I though putting words in capitals makes them said with more power. biggrin.gif

Edited by VProductions

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VProductions

Today's teaser has been added! biggrin.gif

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Master of San Andreas

Here is my review of it:

 

 

OPAL

(reassuring)

What's up,hun?

 

FLYNN

Can we actually do this?

 

 

You should really change the dialogue style:

 

Instead of that try this

 

Opal:(reassuring) What's up,hun?

Flynn:Can we actually do this?

 

It makes it more easier for the reader to read. smile.gif

 

Green stands for what should be added.

Red stands for what should be removed.

 

 

to show the skyscraper in full view,

 

 

The sentence is here is unfinished.

 

 

The Multicore is around 200 floors high. The title of the show appears in a shining gold font in large,gleaming letters up the side of the MULTICORE.

 

 

'Shining gold font?' well font is NOT color font is the style of the Letters so instead make it simple. smile.gif

 

 

A skinny man wearing a green suit sits on a bench surrounded by roses and shrubs.His head buried in his hands. This is FLYNN (19). He is a Nineteen year old Teenager who is known as Flynn. He lifts his head as a voluptuous woman in an elegant green dress stares across at him, waves him over. This is OPAL (20). Her name is Opal and she is a year elder to Flynn

 

 

You could describe it in a better way like how I suggested instead of 'This is Flynn' It sounds like though someone unknown is introducing him.

 

FLYNN

(smiling and cocky looking cocky )

Just because you want to

 

 

Again express it in a better way.

 

 

FLYNN

( looking shocked scandalised)

-Oh

 

 

Same as what I said above.

Also I would avoid Capital letters,it is a bit disorientating..

..And also I would avoid double posting,this is a slow forum so be patient mate.

 

On on a happier note the story is great and the dialogue is fantastic.It is really well planned out with just a few errors here and there which I have corrected.Take your time to edit it out a bit more if you want to. smile.gif

 

I am not the best writer here.Mokrie Dela was the one who actually gave me great advice in the first place,so some of the credit here MUST go to him aswell.

 

Good Luck! icon14.gifcookie.gif

Edited by Master of San Andreas

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Eminence

@ Master: Just in response to a few of the things you're telling him to change - you're aware he's writing a screenplay/teleplay right? You seem unfamiliar with the conventions of the format.

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VProductions

Thanks, I have changed some of that in the full episode which is coming soon, also I can't change the dialogue style because it is a screenplay and not whatever that is. tounge.gif

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Master of San Andreas

I was not aware of that.Sorry if I caused any inconvience still looking forward to the next episode smile.gif

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VProductions

It's fine. biggrin.gif That was just a teaser of a scene, approximately 2% of a full episode or something like that. tounge2.gif

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VProductions

Today's Teaser has been added. biggrin.gif

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Ziggy455

Have you been reading professional scripts? I gave you some links and I can see where you're improving. I can't say much as Eminence has already covered all the important points that I was going to state. I'll wait for your next scene. turn.gif

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VProductions
Have you been reading professional scripts? I gave you some links and I can see where you're improving. I can't say much as Eminence has already covered all the important points that I was going to state. I'll wait for your next scene. turn.gif

Thanks, I have got far in to reading the blade runner script and I found a script from the big bang theory. I am not going to release it a scene at a time, it will be in 30 minute episodes (it was 60 minutes but due to lack of time each week I changed to 30 minutes). Next episode should be here before next Monday biggrin.gif

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VProductions

Episode 1: The End Of A Legend

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. MULTICORE - ROOFTOP GARDENS- NIGHT

 

A skinny man wearing a green suit sits on a wooden bench surrounded by roses and shrubs, head in his hands. This is FLYNN MINT(19). He lifts his head as a voluptuous woman in an elegant green dress stares across at him, waves him over. This is OPAL MINT(20).

 

He rises and cautiously approaches her.

 

OPAL

(reassuring)

What's up,hun?

 

FLYNN

Can we actually do this?

 

OPAL

Listen,hun. Austin don't care about you.

 

FLYNN

I just need to think about it-

 

OPAL

(disgusted)

That man killed your family and you still have to think about it. You are a sell-out

 

FLYNN

(confused and pointing at himself)

I am a sell-out? BOTH of us live up here not just me.

 

OPAL

(angry)

f*ck You!

 

FLYNN

(smiling and cocky)

Just because you want to.

 

 

Opal walks across the garden to a green house and retrieves two pistols and one silencer, she places one pistol down her bra which makes it barely noticeable. She attaches the silencer to the other pistol and throws it to Flynn who is a few meters away. He tries to catch it but fails and it slides across the ground. He picks it up and places it down his underwear and immediately takes it out. Opal notices.

 

OPAL

(confused)

What are you doing?

 

FLYNN

(aroused)

It was colder than I expected.

 

OPAL

(sighing)

Idiot. There are SIX bullets only, take out the guards outside from a safe distance while I distract people away from The Multicore entrance.

 

FLYNN

(witty)

Any how are YOU-

 

Opal is takes out a remote control with a large red button in the middle of it and a antenna rising from the top of it.

 

FLYNN

(shocked)

-Oh.

 

OPAL

(smiling)

Yes,hun. I take pride in this.

 

Flynn strolls away towards an express elevator while Opal blows him a kiss.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. MULTICORE- FIRST FLOOR aka CASHFLY CASINO - SUNRISE

 

Flynn exits the express elevator in to a secluded corridor and is greeted by two tall security guards. They are SAMUEL(41) and HECTOR(37).

 

Flynn points the pistol at Hector's head and fires.

 

SAMUEL

(terrified)

What the fu-

 

Flynn shoots Samuel in the neck and carefully drags Samuel's and Hector's bodies in to the express elevator without much struggle. He bashes the button for the rooftop gardens. The elevator doors close.

 

FLYNN

(smirking)

Express delivery.

 

Flynn walks down the corridor in to the main room of the casino. The casino is full of people, some look rich but some look poor. The roulette tables for the rich people are highly distinctive of the others as there are stacks of gold chips where as the roulette tables of the poor are in the opposite side of the room with red chips. Scattered around the roulette tables are slot machines. A small explosion is heard and all of the security guards on the first floor dash down a set of stairs to the ground floor. Quietly, Flynn strolls behind them down the marble stairs in the center of the large ground floor room. The room is filled with reception desks and statues. Close to the main entrance doors is a stylish fountain that has a solid gold chandelier hanging above. A group of gamblers are being escorted back into the Multicore. Flynn takes out his phone and quickly dials Opal.

 

FLYNN

Whatever you did, It didn't work.

 

OPAL (O.S)

Need a bigger boom?

 

FLYNN

Yep. Whatcha' do anyway?

 

OPAL(O.S)

Car bomb.

 

FLYNN

(sarcastic)

Really? A massive remote control for that.

 

OPAL(O.S)

(laughing)

No for this!

 

Flynn quickly ends the call and puts the phone back in his pocket, he runs out of the Multicore in time to see a car on fire in the street.

 

EXT. MULTICORE - SUNRISE

 

He looks left to right. Suddenly, a small bank explodes and glass shoots across the street. Smoke fills the atmosphere. Crowds exit the Multicore to see the commotion. Fire trucks respond and are heard within seconds. The red flashing lights appear. Flynn turns around to see Opal stood behind him.

 

OPAL

Broke the bank?

 

FLYNN

The wise cracks are my thing not your's! Now, Austin gets his cut?

 

OPAL

Was that one?

 

FLYNN

No, does that even sound like one?

 

OPAL

(impressed with herself)

Cut...like with a knife.

 

FLYNN

I don't understand.

 

OPAL

(kissing Flynn on the cheek)

Never do.

 

Opal leads Flynn in to the back in to the Multicore and up the stairs to the casino which is empty.

 

INT. MULTICORE- FIRST FLOOR aka CASHFLY CASINO - SUNRISE

 

Flynn walks to a stack of gold chips on a roulette table and takes one, he stuffs it in to his pocket.

 

OPAL

(confused)

Where are the bodies?

 

FLYNN

(suave)

Hector's and Samuel's got an express delivery to the garden.

 

OPAL

(worried)

What about the rest, hun?

 

FLYNN

Rest?

 

OPAL

(distressed)

I gave you six bullets for a reason and seriously you kill two guards, there were six.

 

FLYNN

Oh.

 

OPAL

I looped the cameras before the explosions, hun. Now we ain't gonna end up getting spotted.

 

Flynn turns around.

 

FLYNN

Right, don't turn around.

 

Opal turns around to see two guards holding pistols at them, she ducks down and dodges a bullet. She whips the pistol out of the bra and shoots the guard on the right while Flynn headbutts the guard on the left. The left guard falls to his knees and Flynn pistol whips him. Blood oozes from both bodies on to the furry carpet.

 

OPAL

(angry)

Why didn't you take care of them guys earlier!

 

FLYNN

To be fair, I did warn you not to turn around. But...Good point, lets just get to Austin.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. MULTICORE - 2ND FLOOR aka LEGEND ENTERPRISES - SUNRISE

 

A middle aged white man sits in a throne smoking a cigar. This is AUSTIN LEGEND (39).

 

He is in the Legend Enterprises which is his office, it is decorated with gold paint, a throne, a luxury rug, a set of stairs that lead to the higher floor and a statue. He stares at the marble statue of himself and smiles, the door opens and a guard enters.

 

AUSTIN

(cocky)

Problem?

 

GUARD

That li'l bank down t' road got blown .

 

AUSTIN

Not a problem. Order some builders to fix it, I need some good publicity after the limo snatch.

 

The door opens again and it is Opal and Flynn. Opal shoots the guard in the head.

 

AUSTIN

(perplexed)

Whoa, what the f*ck are you doin'.

 

FLYNN

(with his anger rising)

You killed my parents.

 

AUSTIN

(attempting to defend himself)

They raided the garages.

 

FLYNN

(red with anger)

That isn't a death penalty! All you do is steal cars or sit there on your good for nothin' ass!

 

AUSTIN

(brainwashed)

What I got is what I deserve.

 

FLYNN

(truthfully)

The only thing you deserve is a bullet in the brain, you rob rich guys cars and you illegaly run a casino.

 

AUSTIN

I own a part of the Multicore, almost a million dollars a year. Profit!

 

Flynn points the gun at Austin's head.

 

AUSTIN

(cocky)

Kid, you don't wanna do that.

 

FLYNN

(sure)

Why the f*ck not?

 

AUSTIN

(laughing)

Every criminal in Vegas is gonna want your head on a solid gold tray. Do ya' want your head on a spike, kid.

 

Flynn shoots Austin in the leg.

 

AUSTIN

(in pain)

Sick bastard, your crazy. Please, don't kill me. Leave here now.

 

Opal steps closer to Austin.

 

AUSTIN

(faint)

And what do you want, whore. The code to the vault, hmmmmmmm. The clothes on my back. You are a golddiggin' slut, always have been.

 

Flynn shoots Austin in the other leg.

 

FLYNN

(rage)

She's not a slut.

 

OPAL

I couldn't care less about money.

 

FLYNN

(stronger rage)

What's the code?

 

AUSTIN

(genuinely scared)

5813. Don't shoot me again.

 

Flynn and Opal drag Austin off the throne and up the stairs to the vault door. The vault door is silver and looks very complex with levers and spikes coming out. In the center is a small keypad.

 

AUSTIN

(passing out)

Hey, what the f*ck a' ya' doin'!

 

Opal enters 5-8-1-3, the door stays closed.

 

OPAL

Code?

 

Opal notices that Austin has passed out, she strikes him in the face with the hand. He slowly opens his eyes.

 

AUSTIN

(slurring)

6-6-6-6.

 

Opal enters 6-6-6-6 and the door makes a clinking noise and the levers move, the door starts to spiral open.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. MULTICORE -7TH FLOOR aka MULTICORE HOSPITAL- DAY

 

Opal is stood inside a doctor's room. The room is white and full of medical equipment. A woman in a blue scrubs is searching a drawer full of files. This is DR. VITA FLEET (28). She lifts a file out and hides it in her briefcase on her desk.

 

OPAL

You ready?

 

VITA

Sure, just a second. Might you have seen any files in here earlier?

 

OPAL

Nope.

 

VITA

I need it!

 

OPAL

I ain't stopping you!

 

VITA

No, you are misunderstanding me. This is a complex situation, the files are in a safe down the corridor.

 

OPAL

And?

 

VITA

The key dissapeared a few days ago in a fire drill.

 

OPAL

Find it!

 

VITA

Nothing is that simple, you should know that.

 

OPAL

If I get this then we can go? Austin's gonna die of blood loss if we don't hurry.

 

VITA

Sure. Wait a minute, Austin... Austin Legend?

 

OPAL

Yes! I've tried to tell you that hundreds of times, for f*ck sake.

 

Opal leaves the doctor's room in to a small corridor that is filled with closed rooms, at the end of the corridor there is a tiny safe. Opal takes out her pistol and shoots it, the door flings open and doctors dash out of their rooms. Vita runs over to Opal.

 

OPAL

You gonna hurry the f*ck up and go get that?

 

Vita cautiously retrives the file from inside the safe, on it reads "CLASSIFIED/ Emergency Use Only!". Opal dashes to the other end of the corridor to the elevator while Vita follows closely.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. MULTICORE - 2ND FLOOR aka LEGEND ENTERPRISES VAULT - DAY

 

Opal, Austin, Flynn and Vita are sat on the floor in the large bank-style vault filled with millions of dollars. Vita is trying to fix up Austin.

 

AUSTIN

I still can't f*cking believe you did this to me Flynn, I took you in.

 

VITA

Can I shut this guy up?

 

FLYNN

Really? Please!

 

Vita takes out a syringe from the suitcase at the side of her, she stabs it in to his arm.

 

AUSTIN

Hey! What the fu-

 

Austin passes out. Flynn high-fives Vita.

 

VITA

I am seeing a lot of blood loss but it's nothing that can't be fixed up.

 

FLYNN

Great!

 

OPAL

Wait why do you want him alive anyway?

 

FLYNN

I can't say...

 

OPAL

No secrets, hun. Remember the wedding vows?Tell me!

 

FLYNN

Soon.

 

OPAL

Whatever, hun.

 

VITA

You guys, what are you actually planning to do?

 

FLYNN

Take over this building or die trying!

 

VITA

I have some contacts you might want to meet, there's a porn studio on the third floor, go see a guy, he goes by Mr Knobb.

 

FLYNN

Really I thought that was a swimming pool, there is no access to that floor, or hardly any others.

 

VITA

What do you mean?

 

FLYNN

The stairs got shut off after the explosion, no thanks to someone. We can only use the public elevator and that takes you barely anywhere

 

VITA

Right, here is a key. When I turned co-manager of the hospital, I was awarded it.

 

Vita hands Flynn a key while Austin still lies unconcious and with a bullet hole in his left knee.

 

FLYNN

Erm, thanks I guess.

 

VITA

Use it to open the fire escape door in the hospital, that will lead you anywhere from the casino to the tenth floor.

 

Flynn kisses Opal and he leaves the vault.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. MULTICORE - FIRE EXIT - DAY

 

Flynn is running down flights of stairs on the fire exit.

 

FLYNN

Wow, I'm higher than Tisa Yuse.

 

He quickly reaches the third floor fire exit door. He bangs on the door and it is open. Loud sex noises can be heard.

 

INT. MULTICORE - 3RD FLOOR aka SUNSET STRIPES PORN STUDIO - DAY

 

Flynn walks along a dark corridor, it gets lighter as he progresses. He sees a door at the end with a tie on the bronze handle. He repeatedly knocks.

 

FLYNN

Hello?

 

There is no answer but the noises get louder.

 

FLYNN

Mr..... I cant believe I am saying this....Mr Knobb.

 

The noises stop and a handsome young man in a purple dressing gown opens the door. This is JAMIE KNOBB (23). Flynn peeks around Jamie and in to the room where a woman lies covered by a blanket on a heart shaped rotating bed.

 

JAMIE

Need something?

 

FLYNN

Doctor Fleet sent me.

 

JAMIE

Oh, tell her we didn't need it.

 

Jamie trys to give Flynn a black vibrator but Flynn steps away.

 

FLYNN

She said you could help me?

 

JAMIE

Oh, I ain't really in to that whole gay craze.

 

FLYNN

Ermmm.... No. Now Austin is gone, the future is looking better but I am planning to take over. I need some connections.

 

JAMIE

A movie roll? And Austin Legend is dead, I guess we don't have to split profits.

 

FLYNN

Criminals. The f*ck's wrong with you?

 

JAMIE

If you wanna work with me, I might turn some businessmen your way.

 

FLYNN

You see, It's hard to know when what you say is serious or sexual.

 

JAMIE

Just meet me at the Blue Pill Labratories later on.

 

Flynn turns around and leaves

Edited by VProductions

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