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Kratos2000

First try writing a story.

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Kratos2000

Hello fellow writers and excuse me for writing "fellow" as if I were a writer myself. wink.gif

I am really not good at this I assume, first time for everything and I decided to publish mine over here,

expecting some helpful advices and just sittin' here, sharing something I wrote.

 

For some reason I hate beginnings, but have to start somehow so I wrote this and I'm not very fond of it,

As I find it written kind of depressing. whatsthat.gif While the next parts of the planned story are going to be much less sad, more fun and lively. tounge2.gif

That's suppoused to be the story's foundation, the sad writing is a bad habit I caught from Jeff Lindsay's dexter books, hopefully it'll change if it should.

Enjoy. tounge.gif

 

 

I shouldn't have done this, it was way over my head from the beginning. I was caught up in this tragedy more than I could have even imagined.

For even the greatest nightmares could not scare me as much as this poor man lying on the ground, cold and dead.

 

It was a dark day, so many mistakes and the decision had not yet been made. He was there. His eyes and gun staring at her,

I could not let him hurt her. she is all I ever wanted. He had no idea I was there, I could've escaped. But I chose to be human,

and protect the people I care for. And so I had a knife, for the purpose of cutting the electricity cables that is - nothing more.

But the pointy edge soon found itself providing another need of mine. as if cutting the power supplies of the whole Museum wasn't enough.

This sinful blade was used to stab this poor man in the back. It was meant to be a heist. god knows why I took part in it in the first place,

especially going so far.

 

 

The three of us made it look like a suicide, switched the poor man's gun with mine. I wore gloves thus no fingerprints should be left on it.

To cover what we've done even further, we framed the dead man for stealing an artifact, we placed it in his hands,

It fell from Harry's clumsy hands and broke to three pieces - which was to our advantage,

As if an overly attached patrol guard had his conscience hurt after breaking one of the museum's antiques.

It was all set up like a suicide, our hopes were that the police force would buy it - would they?

Still barely understanding what have we done, not even starting to imagine what we have caused and what'll be coming to us, we left quickly.

Pale as ghosts, the three of us approached the hotel knowing that we've done the greatest mistakes so far in our lives.

We knew far worse mistakes and scenarios were yet to come.

 

 

Honestly the thought of a greater tragedy than this, taking slow steps and soon knocking on our doors was nowhere near comforting.

Was it really worth it? protecting the life of the maybe-future wife of mine? with the cost of an innocent's life when all he had done was his job? maybe.

The mental consequences came shortly afterwards, struck me like lightning. Honestly I'd have preferred it if real lightning would've smashed my head instead.

The thoughts of impending scenarios have consumed me -

Edited by Kratos2000

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Kratos2000

Bumping, sorry for doing this though.

I'm really wanting to continue this, just with better knowledge of what I do wrong or right or etc.

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DestaliusDark

I like this one.

I'm not that good of a writer so i can't give great feedback sadly confused.gif

 

Its good, but sometimes it felt a bit strange.

It goes from a slow pace to like "This happens AND SUDDENLY THAT"

 

Nonetheless, good start smile.gif

Id like to see some more of you.

 

Id suggest you wait till Morkie shows up, he is a amazing user and learns you a lot smile.gif

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Mokrie Dela

 

I am really not good at this I assume [/b][/center]

Hey man, welcome to this pokey little hole, this dark corner of the bar where people chuck the old newspapers tounge.gif

 

Firstly: None of this man. You won't get anyone saying you're a bad writer, unless of course your story is written like this:

"I haxord da cmptr an finded da info i n33d3d i iz da soopa 1337!!!!"

 

 

On to your story:

 

 

Now you mentioned the "sad" style. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. If the work calls for it, then it works, it's just character really.

 

 

A very quick note about formatting. Usually stories are laid out formatted to the left, not centre - i think it makes it easier to read - and the entire thing not in bold text.

 

I shouldn't have done this, if was way over my head from the beginning. I was caught up in this tragedy more than I could have even imagined,

Immediately I've spotted the lack of an edit/proof read. I see this a lot lately, and i must admit to have skipping that myself at times. But it's important. You sit there with your fingers in a blur, typing stuff you feel is amazing. Then you upload it? No. The best thing to do is, once you've written a chapter, or scene, put it aside. Write the next, or something. Try to leave enough time for you to "forget" the chapter. A few days, a week, it all depends on your schedule and patience. Then come back to it and read it. A couple of readthroughs - firstly reading the story to make sure it makes sense, are you conveying all the details well enough? Are your sentences too long? Are you using the best words*?

Then, once you've made the amendments, made the sentences the correct length, made it clearer, the next read through should look for spelling and grammar mistakes. In the above quote, for example I detected two:

"I shouldn't have done this, if was way over my head from the beginning." - "IF" was way over my head. either "it" or "I" i think you mean here ("I was in way over my head..."). Simple mistake, easily fixed on a readthrough.

The second mistake is at the end - the sentence ends with a comma instead of a full stop.

 

For even the greatest nightmares could not scare me as much, as this poor man, lying on the ground, fallen cold and dead.

This first comma is not needed imo. It's good that you're trying to break the sentence up, but in this case i think the comma is not needed at all.

Also the word "Fallen" is superfluous. the poor man, lying on the ground, cold and dead. If he's lying on the floor, and he's dead, then you don't NEED to state that he's "fallen" as that's pretty obvious.

 

 

It was a dark day, so many mistakes, and the decision had not yet been made. He was there. His eyes and gun staring at her,

I could not let him hurt her, she is all I ever wanted. He had no idea I was there, I could've escaped. But I chose to be human,

and protect the people I care for, And so I had a knife, for the purpose of cutting the electricity cables that is - nothing more.

But the pointy edge soon found itself providing another need of mine, as if cutting the power supplies of the whole Museum wasn't enough,

I got confused at that first sentence. I had no idea what you were trying to say, and it took me out of the moment slightly. I liked the following part - "His eyes and gun staring at her" although - PERSONALLY - I would have written "He stared at her through his gun," or something like that, but thats a personal choice, and i liked the imagery.

The following, "I could not let him hurt her, she is all i ever wanted." - I would break this into two sentences. I think it would make it flow better, short sharp sentences. The same with the next sentence, though itd be easy to overdo it.

This entire paragraph is full of grammar mistakes - commas where fullstops should be. It's a tiny, tiny, detail, but also a huge one. Full stops, end of sentences, these are critical for the flow of your story. Think of them as breathers - if the whole thing lacks them, the reading mind will be out of breath and readers will lose interest.

 

this sinful blade was used to stab this poor man in the back. It was meant to be a heist, god knows why I took part in it in the first place,

especially going so far.

Missing capital letters at the start of sentences, and again, a comma in place of a full stop. Easily fixed, and with practice, you'll learn to see this things with the proof read.

 

The three of us made it look like a suicide, switched the poor man's gun with mine.
I wore gloves thus no fingerprints should be left on it.

To cover what we've done even further, we framed the dead man for stealing an artifact. We placed it in his hands. It fell from Harry's clumsy hands and broke to three pieces - which was to our advantage, should an overly attached patrol guard have his conscience hurt after breaking one of the museum's antiques.

I've changed this a little, to try to make it a bit better/ clearer. A little bit of formatting issues, which make it a little hard to read but again, nothing major. I shortened the "clumsy" part, as you had two things that could be said in one. I'm not convinced "conscience" is the right choice. If a security guard comes across the scene, would it be his conscience hurt or his pride?

 

It was all set up like a suicide. Our hopes were that the police force would buy it - would they?

Still barely understanding what have we done, not even starting to imagine what we have caused and what'll be coming to us, we left quickly.

A little change here. Firstly, I broke the first sentence up, because i think it'd flow better. The second sentence, a hyphen which i use as a kind of split from the sentence (if that made sense). The next part i touched up also, for the same reason.

 

Pale as ghosts, the three of us approached the hotel knowing that we've done the greatest mistakes so far in our lives,

We knew far worse mistakes and scenarios were yet to come.

A couple of changes, a comma to break up the sentence, "that" we've done to make it make more sense and again, a comma th the end of a sentence.

 

 

A good work, but with a couple of big things. Firstly, at times, i found it hard to understand what you're trying to say, and i think a read through would show you those unclear sections. This can be your worst enemy as a writer. When the reader has doubts, or questions that you've not made clear, something's not right.

Also the formatting - text alignment, misused commas, they can make things hard to read, and in some ways may lead to the above.

 

But it's not all bad. As a prologue, the set up to a story, it was good. I find myself wondering what happened, why the dead man was going to hurt her - who was she. who's this third man, the clumsy Harry. What do they all have to do with eachother?

It's enough to make me want to read more. and going back to what you said about being a bad writer - there was a lot of mistakes, but most of them small. Easily fixed, easily learnt from. You're not a bad writer at all. Practice and experience, that's all you need. Keep writing, keep enjoying it and keep learning. Read books for this last part, while you're enjoying them, see how they've used writing techniques, and why. Read outloud if you need to, to see the "breaths" or breaks, commas etc.

 

Keep it up, look forward to reading more smile.gif

 

* The most common thing i see is the word "said"

"Hello." He said.

"Hi." She said.

"Are you ok?" He said?

"No." She said.

"Why?" He said.

See what's wrong with this? Too many "saids."

There is a huge amount of words you can use instead, and often you don't even NEED a word:

"Hello." He greeted.

"Hi." Her reply was distant and he picked up on it.

"Are you ok?"

"No."

"Why?"

But be careful not to go too far:

"Hello." He greeted.

"Hi." She replied.

"Are you ok?" He asked.

"No." She answered.

"Why?" He questioned.

"Because I'm not!" She exclaimed.

There's no need for most of those verbs.

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AceRay

Going into this from a purely writing standpoint, not punctuation and spelling, as Morkie has done a fine job on that. This will probably be a rehash of his post to be honest but I'll try to find new stuff. No centred writing though, had to put this on word just so I could read it easily, so cut that out. Anyway...

 

The opening paragraph:

 

I shouldn't have done this, if was way over my head from the beginning. I was caught up in this tragedy more than I could have even imagined,

Its often said that the first line of a book is the very first as that's whats going to hook the reader in and make them interested. This line accomplishes this well. In a moment, I'm alreay intrigued. What is this tragedy? Why is she/he way over their head? How did they get there? What's going on? Good, snappy start. The dead guy also adds intrigue. Who is he? Did the narrator kill him?

 

Onto the second paragraph and make sure you get your tenses right. You're writing in the past tense but you slip in a couple too many present tenses, which take me out. Present tense is the character talking about the events as they happen and the past tense is like the character talking to you over the table. It gets a little. The action was good though, and I can piece together the main character's thoughts and getting us emotionally involved.

 

 

I wore gloves thus no fingerprints should be left on it.

This was way too much of the narrator telling us what was happening instead of showing us. A general rule for writing is "show, don't tell." Instead of having the character tell us why he wore gloves, have the main character imply what they're for, like "I slipped the gloves on carefully and breathed quickly, delicately holding the gun between my fingers, leaving no residue." Its a trap many first time writers make, as I did too a while ago. Same for the next few lines, like explaining the broken artefact, it kind of removes the suspense.

 

I also don't understand why the main characters think that making it look like a suicide would work with the gun when the narrator clearly stabbed him with a knife. Not a great cover up. So did they shoot him with the gun when he was dead or are our main characters stupid? I have a feeling this will lead to them being on the run.

 

The last paragraph was a bit vague. Why were they knocking on their own door? Are there other people there? There didn't seem to be anyone else. Why did they need to knock on multiple doors? Did they separate or stay together in one hotel room? Still, main character's thoughts were good.

 

Overall, not bad at all. A little too short but for a first time, not bad. I await the follow up.

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Mokrie Dela
Going into this from a purely writing standpoint, not punctuation and spelling, as Morkie has done a fine job on that. This will probably be a rehash of his post to be honest but I'll try to find new stuff.

Always good to get a second opinion. It's a good point because, in going over it, i found myself correcting a few things, abut as i went on, taking a more technical approach on the writing, not on the story.

Some good advice from ace - especially about "show don't tell" - you want the scene to happen in front of the reader, not tell them what's happening.

I'm sure if you read the latest chapters of JIF, you'll see i've probably made such mistakes once or twice. We all do it, and that's the importance of proofreading, as (with practice at least) you'll learn to detect and improve these things.

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Kratos2000
Going into this from a purely writing standpoint, not punctuation and spelling, as Morkie has done a fine job on that. This will probably be a rehash of his post to be honest but I'll try to find new stuff. No centred writing though, had to put this on word just so I could read it easily, so cut that out. Anyway...

 

The opening paragraph:

 

I shouldn't have done this, if was way over my head from the beginning. I was caught up in this tragedy more than I could have even imagined,

Its often said that the first line of a book is the very first as that's whats going to hook the reader in and make them interested. This line accomplishes this well. In a moment, I'm alreay intrigued. What is this tragedy? Why is she/he way over their head? How did they get there? What's going on? Good, snappy start. The dead guy also adds intrigue. Who is he? Did the narrator kill him?

 

Onto the second paragraph and make sure you get your tenses right. You're writing in the past tense but you slip in a couple too many present tenses, which take me out. Present tense is the character talking about the events as they happen and the past tense is like the character talking to you over the table. It gets a little. The action was good though, and I can piece together the main character's thoughts and getting us emotionally involved.

 

 

I wore gloves thus no fingerprints should be left on it.

This was way too much of the narrator telling us what was happening instead of showing us. A general rule for writing is "show, don't tell." Instead of having the character tell us why he wore gloves, have the main character imply what they're for, like "I slipped the gloves on carefully and breathed quickly, delicately holding the gun between my fingers, leaving no residue." Its a trap many first time writers make, as I did too a while ago. Same for the next few lines, like explaining the broken artefact, it kind of removes the suspense.

 

I also don't understand why the main characters think that making it look like a suicide would work with the gun when the narrator clearly stabbed him with a knife. Not a great cover up. So did they shoot him with the gun when he was dead or are our main characters stupid? I have a feeling this will lead to them being on the run.

 

The last paragraph was a bit vague. Why were they knocking on their own door? Are there other people there? There didn't seem to be anyone else. Why did they need to knock on multiple doors? Did they separate or stay together in one hotel room? Still, main character's thoughts were good.

 

Overall, not bad at all. A little too short but for a first time, not bad. I await the follow up.

I thank you both, helped me alot. I took my time after Morkie's post as I wanted to fix things, make another part and publish it here.

It's "It was way over my head"

About the last paragraph, it's a metaphor(?)

He's thinking of a greater tragedy than what they have already faced, and how it will soon 'knock' on their doors.

which can be again, taken phisically as if a cop or anyone else would knock on their doors but that's not the intention.

 

And the gun-knife thing is part of the story, great attention to details wink.gif .

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Mokrie Dela

Fair enough man

 

Definitely take your time, even if it takes weeks, be patient and thorough.

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TenEightyOne

I can't add anything to the good stuff from Mokrie and AceRay... but I like the story overall and I like the way it's going biggrin.gif

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