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Authors Note : I've always been interested in writing, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Tell me what you think, bear in my mind I'm only dipping my toe in here and I've not got the slightest clue where I want to go with this yet.



CHAPTER ONE - A series of unexpected surprises.



There was one guy, just one that's how it all started. He was sitting at the bar, trying hopelessly to chat up a pretty young girl his odor and his 80's hawaiian shirt were all that was needed to see that at the end of the night he was going to end up alone.


James was angry, he'd just been told that his sister had given birth and she hadn't even given him the decency of telling him she was pregnant. He'd decided long ago that in situations of great anger or sorrow he'd head straight for Jim's, the bar a few blocks away from him.


You know, I'm getting tired of this James thought to himself while getting into his car. I really wish that people would show me some f*ckin' respect" he muttered while trying quite relentlessly to open a packet of cigarettes which much to his disappointment he was unable to pry open.


"f*ck this sh*t man, seriously you'd think she'd bother to tell me she was f*cking pregnant !" he yelled as his car pulled into the bars parking lot. As he opened the car door he noticed something weird out of the corner of his eye, almost like a twinkling star but behind the dumpster at the front of the bar. James stood there for a second, waiting to see if he could catch a glimpse of it again but to no avail so he headed on into the bar.


He pushed open the door and didn't notice anything too out of the ordinary, Jim's was infamous around the area for being the most untidy sh*t-hole there had ever been and that's why James loved it. Though there was something strange about the bar scene that night, a guy maybe in his late twenties or early thirties was sitting on a stool up by the bar chatting up some girl.


This is weird James thought to himself, the bar doesn't usually take too kindly to non regulars and this guy looked like something pulled straight outta' Scarface. James decided to sit in an empty little crevice where he could carefully watch the new comer to the bar, he ordered a whiskey and then sat back in seat, it was going to be a long night.


Right, Scott had decided that it was time to put this poor motherf*cker out of his misery. He nodded to the girl in the pink shorts and white tank top and she immediately left the bar through the back exit, the guy in the hawaiian shirt and sunglasses turned around and looked straight into Scott's eyes.


James saw the guy in the Scarface-esque shirt stand up and walk towards another man dressed in a black business suit. James watched closely and made a mental note of the situation in his head, whatever was going on here it wasn't good.


"So, you're the guy who's been employed to kill me ?" The man in the hawaiian shirt whispered to Scott.

"How'd you know it was me ?" Scott asked while slowly reaching for the glock 17 in his jackets left pocket.

"Simple, she moved. No-one who's in the middle of a conversation would just get up and leave the moment she starts inquiring about my personal information." The man explained, keeping an eye on Scott's slowly retracting left arm.

"She could've just been bored and judging by the look on her face that's not an outlandish suggestion" Scott said quickly his eyes darting around for possible escape routes should they be needed.

"No. I saw you nod, it's no coincidence this was a trap and I should have seen it much earlier." The man growled.

"Well I'm afraid that's exactly what this is and also what you are, trapped. Don't make this any harder then this needs to be, I'll make it quick and painless." Scott said, hopelessly trying to bide himself sometime.

"You know who I am right ? I'm pretty sure you do since otherwise you wouldn't be hunting me and if you know anything about me at all you'd know I'm not overly fond of dying."


Scott couldn't waste anymore time, he pulled out the glock as fast as his arms would allow and took the shot.


AN: That's all I've got thus far, bear in mind that I'm no real writer and as I've said before this is only a test but I'd like to know what you guys think and whether I should continue with this or not.

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Mokrie Dela

I haven't got time for a in depth critique but a couple of points


With thoughts and inner monologue, it's useful to separate the text from the rest.



You know, I'm getting tired of this James thought to himself

Thats a bit lacking in format, if that's the right word.

A technique i use is italic text, and that seems to be the norm; i've seen it in dozens of books.


You know, I'm getting tired of this, James thought to himself while getting into his car. "I really wish that people would show me some f*ckin' respect".

I think that makes it easier to read, easier to tell the thought from the narration.


Also the missing speech mark makes it harder to read. I thought that was him thinking still. Had you checked your work over/given it a proof read?



The next thing i'm seeing is a lack of propper grammer:

No capital letter on "f*ck", an unneeded space before the "!"

I'm also finding your sentences a little long winded. The editing process, once sufficiently practiced, will cut them down to more manageable sizes and make it flow better.


Another observation is, in the books i read, "scarface" would also be in italics - i think that is to say its a reference to our culture, not to an in-story character or event. Not a major thing, just something i've noticed in my own works.

Even better would be to drop the reference completely, and instead tell us what his shirt/apparel is like. Is it a white pastel suit? From the 80s?


Decent work so far though. Needs some work, an edit, spell check, grammar check etc, but not too bad.


I'd say give it a read through, iron out the spelling/grammar, and see if you can tighten it up a bit, then maybe reupload, or at least get used to the edit/proof read process - it's an important tool. (even though i often overlook it, and i think it shows)



PS I notice your sig says fallout - would you be interested in a fallout fanfic?

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