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Ziggy455

Insignificance of the Red Rose

Recommended Posts

Ziggy455

INT. BAR – NIGHT

 

COLE, 29, sits at the bar. He sips at a scotch lightly. The bar is moderately busy. Somebody budges him lightly. The room is coated in smoke. Cole looks upset, inconsolable. He sighs.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

I wasn’t ever one for smart moves. I

Was never one for moves at all really.

 

He continues to drink.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

A wise man once said “And you are but a

Thought- a vagrant thought, a useless

Thought, a homeless thought, wandering

Forlorn among the empty eternities!”

 

He lights up a cigarette. The bartender, Marv, nods in unison. Cole wants another scotch; his current one is a little cold.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

I never understood it then. Not at that

Time. But after the small insignificant events

Of that night. I understood it all.

 

BEAT

 

Cole (V.O) (CONT)

And it didn’t spur me quickly on my way.

I felt bitter remorse, cocktailed with serenity.

A bitter cocktail stirred with the stem of

a rose.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

 

It is raining. Only patters are heard as only darkness is visible. ZOOM OUT and the darkness forms the shape of a pupil. As the zoom continues the body of Cole is cascaded with red and blue light. Blood trickles from his smiling lips. He is dead. Around him people watch.

 

 

COP

Alright, back it up! Move it! Winston? Christ,

the f*ck is up with these Brooklyn mooks?

 

 

Winston

Say that sh*t to me in Hoboken, Reynolds.

 

COP

f*cking guido.

 

COP #2

Alright, show’s over. Ambulance is here! Let’s

wrap this up, I got kids to feed.

 

Winston laughs. Voices continue to echo.

 

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

FADE IN

 

EXT. STREET – DAY

 

It’s sunny. Cole steps out of his car. He pulls out a bouqet of flowers from the passenger seat and walks towards his house. He goes to knock. The door is ajar. He steps in.

 

 

Cole (Yelling)

Honey?

 

Silence. He slowly moves through the house. Askew clothes litter the hallway leading to the bedroom.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

That bitter silence. That should have been

my first warning. Seeing the askew clothing

should have opened my eyes. It didn’t.

 

Cole steps into the bedroom. He pushes the door open. A woman is lay sprawled on the bed naked, a man’s thinning-haired head is barely noticeable between her legs that are wrapped around it. TIME SLOWS DOWN.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

Okay, Cole. Breathe. Time to think. THINK.

How should this go? There’s the 38. snub nosed revolver

with those hollow points your Uncle always sends you.

 

A small FAST-FORWARD movie plays in Cole’s mind. He goes to the drawer, pulls out the gun and shoots the man and woman dead. PAUSE – REWIND. Cole catches the leglock moment again.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

Okay, Cole, breathe. Time to think. THINK.

How did this go? This woman claimed she loved you. This woman is

currently getting a clit-massage from Gary Lincoln. That

piece of sh*t accountant from your work.

 

The video PAUSES.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

There’s the 38. snub nosed revolver with those hollow

Points your Uncle always sends you.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BAR – NIGHT.

 

Back to the previous scene. Cole sits at the bar.

 

 

 

Cole (V.O)

From experience in my career- my apologies- my

ex-career! I estimated and calculated that there are only three things in this life that people seem to want to fight for.

 

Cole looks around the bar. A poker game plays in the distance. A fat man in a white tuxedo yells out while others sigh. He rakes up the pot.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

That would be money-

 

He looks the opposite way, two men sit on opposite sides of a well dressed, and obviously beautiful woman.

 

 

Cole (V.O)(CONT)

Women.

 

He looks past the woman and sees two men heatedly arguing. Both are in each other’s personal space.

 

 

Cole (V.O)(CONT)

And finally, opinions.

 

The Girl in Red

Something troubling you?

 

A woman has taken a seat next to Cole. She sports a red dress, complete with flowing red hair, dark brown eyes and red lipstick to match. It’s not tacky. She has a light southern accent as she speaks.

 

 

Cole

Nothin’ troublin’ me.

 

He seems distant. Not interested in the beauty in front of him.

 

 

The Girl in Red

Everybody who sits at this bar has got troubles.

 

Cole

Do you?

 

The Girl in Red (Laughing)

No. Do I look like I have problems?

 

She lights up a cigarette. Cole watches her. He scans her.

 

 

Red

So, what’s your story?

 

Cole

I don’t have a story. Go ask some other

poor schmuck down on his luck.

 

Red

You caught your wife cheating on you.

 

Cole is now interested. His eyes widen, his head shoots to his right.

 

 

Cole

Who are you? Freud? Next you’ll be telling me I wished

this cigarette was a pecker. Get lost.

 

Red

Alright, touchy. I’m sorry I intruded.

 

Cole

Then excuse yourself. I’m not looking for a

friend.

 

Red’s face flushes like her dress. She grabs Cole’s chin.

 

 

Red

Listen here, bub. You’re gonna buy me a drink

and you’re gonna engage in conversation

with me or so help me god I’m going to scream so

loud that big gang of suits over there will come

rushing over. Now buy me a drink, and tell me your

story.

 

Cole (Dazed)

Okay…

 

CROSSFADE

 

INT. BAR – NIGHT – LATER

 

MONTAGE: Events cross-dissolve into each other.

 

 

1. Cole orders two scotches.

 

2. Red laughs while Cole talks.

 

3. Cole lights two cigarettes.

 

4. Red orders two more scotches.

 

5. Glasses of scotch pile up.

 

6. Cole drinks glass after glass.

 

CROSS DISSOLVE

 

Cole is obviously drunk. Red seems apparently sober. Two more scotches are ordered.

 

 

Cole

I just don’t know what we’re trying for.

 

Red

I fail to see what you mean.

 

Cole

What I mean is, what’s the point of trying?

You’re born – You spend your whole life tryin’

to make something of yourself. And what for!?

What exactly makes you get up in the morning?

 

Red lights another cigarette.

 

 

Red (Impassively)

Money.

 

Cole

Ah! Money. One of the three.

 

Red

One of the three?

 

Cole

You’re either in this world for money, sex, or to spread

an opinion.

 

Red

What about conquests? What about those revolutionaries?

I studied them in school – They didn’t fight for sex or money.

 

Cole

They had an OPINION, and they wanted to spread it.

 

Red

Hmm.

 

Red seems perplexed. She’s stumped.

 

 

Red (CONT)

Is it such a crime to want…sex?

 

Cole

Not really.

 

Red puts her hand on Cole’s. The two share a stare. A door opens. Two men slowly walk in.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

Another wise man once said “Jealousy contains more of self-love than of love.” To the common man, jealous falls within the three categories. Not only does jealousy require greed, it requires opinion – and of course the catalyst is sex.

 

The man walks slowly towards Red and Cole. He is slow in his stride.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

And all those feelings. When it comes down to it, are all fallible. But once again I got sucked into something stupid.

 

Jackson

Who’s this?

 

Cole doesn’t turn around.

 

 

Red

Oh, god.

 

Jackson

Oh God is right.

 

Red

Jackson – I’m not looking for anything to do with

you tonight.

 

Jackson

So what? This guy-

 

Jackson nudges Cole. Cole turns lightly.

 

 

Jackson (CONT)

-he gets a proper poke tonight, eh?

 

Cole

I’m not looking for a poke.

 

Jackson

Nobody was talking to you, boy.

 

Cole

I’m sorry? The f*ck are you? You’re a bad

character. All you’re missing is a leather jacket

with a big collar.

 

Jackson whispers to Cole with clenched teeth.

 

 

Jackson (Whispering)

Outside, now.

 

TIME SLOWS DOWN.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

What did I have to gain in stepping outside with this obvious fool. What did I need to prove? Nothing mattered really. But seeing the girl’s eyes light up, it was clear to me I had a shot at some pleasure. Even if it was to only last briefly. Maybe one female in my life could be affirmed that I wasn’t a complete f*ckup.

 

Cole steps up. Jackson heads outside. Red grabs his arm.

 

 

Red

You don’t have to do this.

 

Cole pulls his arm away.

 

 

Cole

You know the story. I never fought anything

before. Look where that put me. My wife

is at home f*cking somebody else.

 

Red

Think about this – Am I worth the hassle?

 

Cole turns and walks away.

 

 

Cole

I guess we’ll find out.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

 

Jackson takes off his jacket and puts it on a dumpster. Cole steps into the alleyway with the girl in red behind him. Jackson is ready.

 

 

Red

Jackson! Is this really necessary?

 

Jackson

If he wants you, he’s gotta fight for you.

 

Cole slips off his jacket. He moves forward.

 

 

Jackson

You ready to give back what was already mine?

 

Cole

Yeah, sure. Let’s just get this over with.

 

The two begin to circle each other. Both are ready to strike. TIME SLOWS DOWN.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

Something internal. Something deep down made me instantly regret this decision. I thought it was the fear of pain – It wasn’t. It was the will to live or die. The Woman in Red screamed my name as the first punch hit me. Then darkness.

 

A GUNSHOT explodes in the darkness. Cole is on the floor. He sits up. The body of Jackson is slumped on the floor. Blood pours from his body. The Woman in Red lifts Cole up. A gun shines in the darkness.

 

 

Cole

Did you shoot him?!

 

Red

That’s not important. Help me hide the body.

 

Cole gets up. He rubs his eye which is bruised and slowly stumbles over to the body of Jackson. He slowly picks the body up and stumbles over to the dumpster. The Woman in Red opens the dumpster. Cole shoves the body in.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

So here I was, half-drunk out of my mind. When I’m

asked to hide a body. The crazy dame that had fired the

killer round didn’t even flinch. The bullet, much like

my life, had taken a singular course. Straight through

the head of some poor jealous schmuck, leaving only pain and dullness where life once was. Even if that quality of life was poor.

 

Cole walks away. A hammer locks. He turns. The Woman in Red has the gun aimed right at him.

 

 

Cole

You know what. No more surprises. I’m ready.

 

The Woman smiles. DARKNESS appears and then a final gunshot echoes.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. COLE’S HOUSE – DAYLIGHT

 

We are back to the familiar scene.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

The human mind is a fragile thing. All it takes is

one shock and the equilibrium is destroyed. What

makes things so curious is that such things that destroy the mind,

are considered trivial. My mind was like a mirror. One cracked, one shattered. One completely broken. There was a war in my mind.

 

Cole aims his 38. at someone. He fires three rounds in SLOW MOTION.

 

FADE OUT:

 

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

 

The body of Cole is wheeled away. Winston, the large cop stands next to DeMarco, a rookie. A red piece of thin fabric falls from Cole’s dead grasp.

 

 

DeMarco

What happened?

 

Winston snaps out of his daydream.

 

 

Winston

Some nutcase. Shot his wife and some guy execution style. Took some of her old clothes and came here for a final drink then blew his brains out over there in the alleyway.

 

DeMarco

Huh? No way!

 

Winston

Welcome to the force – sh*t like this happens every day.

 

DeMarco

How’d you link him to the other deaths?

 

Winston (Condescending)

You see, Alan, some people don’t like to leave

mysteries. Some write things we like to call

SUICIDE letters!

 

CUT TO

 

AMBULANCE DOORS SHUTTING. The body of Cole is covered.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

A wise man once said “And you are but a

Thought- a vagrant thought, a useless

Thought, a homeless thought, wandering

Forlorn among the empty eternities!” I didn’t understand

it at the time. But now I do.

 

The Ambulance drives off. Winston checks the alleyway. He looks down and notices a bullet casing. He looks down to inspect it.

 

 

Cole (V.O)

Everything is insignificant. When your mind

is turning against itself, it can show in many

ways. For me, it was her. A beautiful woman,

the woman I had met years ago. Before the

insignificant role of work destroyed our sanctity. Now

after the pointless hours of calculating – I understood what

the wise man was talking about.

 

A shadow of a woman looms in the distance. Winston looks but nothing is seen.

 

 

Cole (V.O) (CONT)

My life, my efforts, my pain, my psychological distress. It

was all a thought now. All vagrant, all homeless. And now I would

wanted forlorn through many empty eternities. And even though

that blood tinted rose condemned me to this. I, for the first

time can swallow that cocktail of bitter remorse and serenity. I

move on to bigger things.

 

The Ambulance drives off into darkness, the shadow of the woman runs off.

 

END.

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waxman.

I read most of it, and from what I read, it's a well wrote script.

 

I was trying to write a script a while back, but totally forgot about it. I'll send you a PM if you're interested in having a look at it.

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AceRay

You've been playing far too much Max Payne. biggrin.gif

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Ziggy455
You've been playing far too much Max Payne. biggrin.gif

I literally needed to write a ten page script. This is the result. I based it more on Twain's work and The Big Sleep. smile.gif

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Ziggy455

DP!

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TenEightyOne

It's good... but the characterisations don't grab me, I'm afraid.

 

Also, as a Lancastrian I feel a fundamental dislike of the title biggrin.gif

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Ziggy455
It's good... but the characterisations don't grab me, I'm afraid.

 

Also, as a Lancastrian I feel a fundamental dislike of the title biggrin.gif

I understand what you mean. It's hard to develop characters within ten pages.

 

And haha, I was expecting as such. notify.gif

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Eminence

It's well written, has a keen sense of style and tone, for sure. I think you've figured out your tone immediately and got that across really well. The issue, for me, is that it's so overbearingly cliche - it's all been seen a million times before. The down-on-his-luck protagonist drowning his sorrows, the cheating spouse, the dry, cynical voiceover, the femme fatale. It's straight out of the noir textbook. Now that can be great as a baseline, but it needs something fresh; a different perspective, a unique spin.

 

There were some nice little exchanges of dialogue, the sort of fast-paced, witty back-and-forth that you'd expect to see in this genre. That's a definite plus. But then a few spots felt a little off; I'm not sure about the quotations, and some odd/unnatural word choices (askew?) - and then there's the voiceover itself. It's always tricky dealing with voiceover; it comes with a lot of baggage.

 

I think this is a really promising little short, good pacing, good style. But it needs a little reinvention to truly stand out.

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Ziggy455

To be honest with you, I agree with pretty much everything you've said. Thanks for taking the time to have read, Em. I appreciate it.

 

As for the cliche, I sort of wanted it to have that sort of feel. I know it needs a lot of rework in many ways. I can see the flaws myself now - This is just for a late submission on my media course. Some of the dialogue feels..clunky in a way to me. I can see what you meant there.

 

In the end, I'm glad for the criticism and feedback. Once I'm less busy I'll come back and edit this. lol.gif

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Eminence
As for the cliche, I sort of wanted it to have that sort of feel.

I think I get what you mean by this - but honestly believe it only works when you throw in a unique twist on the cliche to subvert the audience's expectations. Utilising cliche elements can be a great way to reel an audience in and then catch them off guard, but I honestly don't see the merit in going for cliche for cliche's sake... if that makes any sense? tounge.gif

 

Regardless, as a late submission for sure there's nothing wrong with it. I mean, it really does give off a sense of style, and that can mean a lot more than technical intricacies. I can see it working really well as a short; the rest is just analysing for analysing's sake. wink.gif

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Ziggy455
As for the cliche, I sort of wanted it to have that sort of feel.

I think I get what you mean by this - but honestly believe it only works when you throw in a unique twist on the cliche to subvert the audience's expectations. Utilising cliche elements can be a great way to reel an audience in and then catch them off guard, but I honestly don't see the merit in going for cliche for cliche's sake... if that makes any sense? tounge.gif

 

Regardless, as a late submission for sure there's nothing wrong with it. I mean, it really does give off a sense of style, and that can mean a lot more than technical intricacies. I can see it working really well as a short; the rest is just analysing for analysing's sake. wink.gif

I'm starting to see what you mean now. Cliche is only useful and normally acceptable when we're looking at it from a different angle. We're talking Sin City. A different spin on the classics. I understand. I tried to take on a psychological way. It starts out as a typical noir, but it stems into something different. Most Noirs stick to crime, corruption, and obviously, narration. If I could make this short the way I wanted, it would not be all Cliche and Noir.

 

I know what you mean though. Analysing my stuff helps me really. Lord knows you don't get any better without it. colgate.gif

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TenEightyOne

My earlier post was a little brief so I planned to revisit the thread and go into a little more depth... but Eminence has, as eminently as ever, beaten me to it and said it better.

 

Your preparation is solid, you understand the ingredients very well and your presentation is appealing; I just think you need to add your own flavour to make it stand out. I'm looking forward to eating... I mean reading more!

 

 

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