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Blind Revenge

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user posted image

Thanks to XTREME0235 for the GFX.


The world is full of secrets, and no one is aware of they even exists. After Mark Phillips, an innocent law intern, is framed for exposing a dangerous secret, he gets a brutal punishment...... being used as an experiment for the military. After one terrible mistake occurs during the experiment which causes Mark to be blind, they leave him to die in Liberty City. He lives but with no sight, he stumbles upon worse news....his wife was kidnapped moments before his kidnapping. Now he must get her back, with sight or without he will get her back. Killing the people responsible and those that get in his way.



Prologue Prologue The world's worst nightmare, begins. November 23, 2012
Chapter One Good Day, Turned Bad Murder in Algonquin November 25, 2012
Chapter Two A Wrapped Up Gift Mark findsout who's resoponsible for Tom Goldberg's murder and faces consequences December 1, 2012
Chapter Three From Man to Machine Mark has developed a new him but in a violent way, December 16, 2012
Edited by Dr-Mayhem111

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Villa Blanco - Havana, Cuba - Friday - October 13, 2008 - 9:15 PM


Men in military uniform are being attacked by an unknown enemy. Night time in Cuba is like being blind which is also the result of why the soldiers aren't able to confirm who their enemy is. As time goes by, large amounts of men die and in the distance you can only see the smoke from the guns that were firing non stop for half an hour. A big villa belonging to a Cuban politician was being attacked by a strong force killing all of the outside defenders.


After the massacre in the villa, everything becomes silent but you can hear distant footsteps coming from the main entrance. A man is seen walking among the piles of dead Cuban soldiers carrying what seems to be a custom M60 LMG. It seems he is walking by himself. Was he the enemy? He is but his appearence doesn't look like he is in a military operation. He wears an all black pants, shirt, tie, and blazer with black aviators, kind of a strange style to be wearing at night. He drops the M60 LMG which happens to be out of ammo and takes out two suppressed Colt1911s and he raises his right hand to be his guide.


Main House, Villa Blanco - Havana, Cuba - Friday - October 13, 2008 - 9:45 PM


He finally approaches the front door of the main house and shoots the lock off. Whoever he is after must be thinking that an American military is causing the attack but little did he know, it was one man but not just one man..... a blind man. Any sound he hears his senses pick it up and directs him to it. As men are taking cover alongside the main stairs whispering a plan of attack, the blind man hears them and comes up with a counter attack. He goes around the group of Cuban soldiers equipped with one supressed Colt1911 and a Ballistc knife.


He silently kills the back three men by stabbing them in the neck with the knife, he then kills three more by shooting the ballistic knife behind the head of one soldier which goes through and strikes another target and stabs the last man right after. Four down and three more to go it was time to use the Colt1911s. He walks behind the three remaining men from the top of the staircase and shoots three fast bullets each aimed at their heads.


Finally all guards were eliminated and now the main target was up next. The blind hitman approaches the main office door but does not go in just yet, he listens a bit to confirm his target was in there. He hears the target talking on the phone requesting an evacuation.


Main Office, Main House, Villa Blanco - Havana, Cuba - Friday - October 13, 2008 - 9:52 PM


"I need to get out of here quick." He says in a terrified attitude.


He continues to request an evacuation.


"Look I'm being attacked and I don't know who. Can you get me out of here?"


After a moment of silence he replies,"Twenty five minutes!? Are you kidding me? Whoever is attacking me could be in my office any..."


The blind hitman enters the office finishing the targets sentence.


"..second now."


The target panics and soon begins to beg for his life.


"Look I don't know who sent you but please let me live and I'll make you a rich. A very rich man, just please don't kill me."


The hitman points the handgun at the targets head,"You don't remember me do you?"


The target in a confused state suddenly realizes who the hitman and calls him by his name.


"Mark Phillips?"


"That's right. You surprised to see me....Samuel Blanco?" Mark replies.


Samuel shakes in fear as he reaches for his hidden .38 under his desk and replies.


"You were suppose to be dead in Liberty City.


"Yeah well I was suppose to but I just wanted to dissappoint the bastard who took my life away. And guess what, you are going to tell me where he is." Mark replies.


Samuel has his weapon on hand and slowly points it at Mark.


"Well I wish I could help but I'm afraid I can't."


Samuel has the .38 aimed at Marks head and begins to pull the trigger. Mark hears the click from the gun and swiftly dodges the bullet and shoots Samuel at his neck. Samuel falls to the ground still alive but losing a large amount of blood in a rapid pace. Mark gets up and walks towards Samuel pointing the Colt1911 at his head and says one last thing.


"Tell Satan I sent you. He'll give you the VIP room." and pulls the trigger.


Outside Villa Blanco


Mark walks away from the villa but before he did, he planted a bomb that was set to go off as soon as he left the premesis. As soon as he left the villa the bomb went off destroying any trail leading to him.


"Four eliminated, one more bastard to kill. I will kill you Treyev Loskov and anybody who gets in my way."

Edited by Dr-Mayhem111

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Mokrie Dela

Hey marvel comics called, they want their concept back;)



On a serious note, this wasn't bad but if felt like I was being told what had happened. I was need in the moment.

As the reader I'm not pulled into this. The opening sections felt like a report - someone telling me what happened. Perhaps that's what you're going for buy I couldn't get into it


Most of all though, I'm confused by the GTA fanfic title. Apart from mentioning liberty city, I'm not seeing much relevance. I wonder if this would be better set in the real world. I dare say there's a few users that will see the gta heading and leave (I dare say many people here don't like gta fanfics)


Not to say this isn't good however. Not a bad read. I find myself wondering why blindman is after revenge. Did blanco make him go blind? How did Phillips train himself?

I find it a little bit of a stretch (as I did in daredevil) that a man with no vision could be so able, and I find it difficult to suspend my disbelief (but I suppose its no less believable than a man who can fly or a man who can shoot webs...)


I'm interested to see where this is going, and what revelation and twists you have in store.

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Thanks for the feedback Mokrie, you make a valid point but I can assure you this story will be quite a segment for people to read. The Prologue states the assassination of a Cuban politician connected to the main antagonist which will be mentioned far along in the story.


Here is the official first chapter, hope you enjoy.



Chapter One: A Good Day, Turned Bad

(92 Days Earlier)


Phillips Residence - Dukes, Liberty City - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - 8:00 AM


In a quiet neighborhood where the morning are peaceful, that is until an alarm is heard and everybody has to get up for either work or school. Mark Phillips, a law intern working for the law firm Goldberg, Ligner and Shyster, awakens next to his wife, Jaimee, and smiles. He gets up and gets ready for work then prepares a nice breakfast for both him and his wife. In Marks eyes, his life was perfect. He has a beautiful and wonderful wife, is working for the biggest law firm on the east coast, and is living quite a luxurious life. Things could't get much better. He now exits his home and heads out to his black PMP 600 and heads over to Meadow Park to pick up his friend, Maxwell Lebowski.


He reaches Maxwell and the two instantly start conversing about the weekend.


"Hey Mark, did you hear about a party happening in some hotel in Algonquin?" Maxwell asked.


"Tracy was telling me about it. I heard the host is not exactly on the law's side but he has money." Mark replied.


"And in this town that is all that matters." Maxwell quotes.


"Ain't that the truth." Mark agrees.


Traffic to Algonquin was not as terrible as it always is and he got to the law building earlier than usual. Mark parks his car and enters the building and announces his presence to Rachel at the front.


Goldberg, Ligner, & Shyster Law Firm - The Exchange, Liberty City - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - 9:12 AM


Mark greets Rachel "Hey Rachel."


"Hey there baby." Maxwell said.


"Hey Mark and uhh pig. Mr. Goldberg wanted to see you as soon as you came in and also here are the files that were assigned to you." She replies as she hands Mark three folders.


"Thanks Rachel." Mark says and makes his way to Mr. Goldberg's office.


Before he enters the office Mark grabs a drink of water and waits about five minutes before going in. He felt just a bit worried because Mr. Goldberg never asked for Mark to go to his office. He puts his hand on the doorknob, takes a deep breath, turns the door knob and enters. Mr. Goldberg soon greeted Mark and asked him to sit down. Mark takes his seat with the three folders given to him on hand.


"So Mark you must be wondering why I called you in here today. Well I've been going over the files for the Hove Beach organization investigation case and I must say they are exquisite. Very detailed and well-written and I am just proud that you have accomplished such a great report. Now as you know people are still trying to recover from their 4th of July celebration which is why the upcoming week will be a vacation week because everybody deserves it. Now I'm a bit swamped with paperwork also I have to interview a new lawyer who wants to be part of our family so the three files Rachel gave you, I want you to obtain the confirmation documentation from Francis McReary. We need that to further our investigations on corruption in the police force." Goldberg states.


Goldberg looks at the clock and tells Mark to go get the document now.


"If you go now you'll beat the Star Junction traffic and also feel free to take a longer lunch." Goldberg says to Mark.


"Thank you Mr. Goldberg, I'll get this done at once." Mark replied


Mark gets up and exits the office and looks for Maxwell who happens to still be at the front desk trying to flirt with Rachel. Mark approaches Maxwell and tells him to go with him.


"Hey Casanova let's go."


"What, where are we going?" Maxwell asks.


"I'll explain on the way, just come on." Mark replied.


Maxwell sighs then turns toward Rachel.


"I'll be back baby."


"I wish I had a restraining order." Rachel says to herself.


The two make their way to the exit and Mark accidently bumps into a man in a expensive suit and apologizes. The man seemed to have a European accent, Mark and Maxwell were concerned of who he was so they hear him speak to the intercom.


"Uhhhh it's Niko Bellic. I'm here for an interview" The man said to the intercom.


"Oh that's the new lawyer Mr. Goldberg was talking about, he has an interview today." Mark said to Maxwell.


"Doesn't seem much but I'm sure he'll do just fine. Let's go." Maxwell replied.


Mark and Maxwell drive off to the Police Department near Star Junction. Mark tells Maxwell what's going on.


"Okay so Mr. Goldberg was like, really cool when he was talking to me. He told me next week will be a vacation week and he told me my report was equitic." Mark stated.


"You mean exquisite?" Maxwell corrected.


"Whatever. Anyway he said I could take a longer lunch and stuff like that. Today started off as such a good day and hopefully it continues." Mark said with a smile.


"F*cking A." Maxwell replied.


Purgatory Police Department - Purgatory, Liberty City - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - 9:58 AM


They finally arrive and Mark turns the ignition off. He exits the vehicle while Maxwell waits in the car. Mark walks in and approaches teh front desk and asks for Francis McReary.


"Yes I'm looking for Francis McReary, I'm from Goldberg, Ligner, and Shyster." Mark asked Mitch.


"Go on up. First door on your left." Mitch replied.


Mark thanked Mitch and he made his way to Francis McReary's office. Before he walked in he someone was behind him and he bumped into him and Mark apologized so did the man but there was something familiar about his voice and accent. Mark saw his face and it was Niko once again carrying files on his right hand but as he bumped into Mark Niko dropped a few papers and Mark picked them up thinking it was his papers. Niko walked into McReary's office first and Mark waited outside the door but he overheard Niko's conversation with Francis.


"Here are the files Mr. McReary."


"Ah Niko, good job. That is a weight off my shoulders. Thanks Nicky. Mitch will give you your green on your way out."


Niko then leaves and doesn't notice Mark. Mark walks up to the door and knocks announcing that he is from the Law Firm. Francis tells him to enter and Mark discusses about the documents that was meant for Tom Goldberg but Francis said he doesn't have them.


"Mr. McReary? I'm Mark Phillips of Goldberg, Ligner, and Shyster. I'm here to pick up a document that was meant for Tom Goldberg." Mark started.


Francis took a small pause while he was looking for the document but it seemed he didn't have it.


"Sorry kid, I don't have them. Maybe next week I'll have them ready for uhh Tom Goldberg." Francis replied.


Mark then left the building and rushed to his car. As soon as he got in he started the car and Maxwell asked what happened.


"What happened?"


"He didn't have it. He said maybe next week." Mark replied as he starting the car.


Finally the car started and Weazel News made a tragic broadcast.



This is Weazel News.


"Murder in Algonquin"


Jenny Acorn: Police say lawyer Tom Goldberg was killed in his Algonquin office today. Officials are investigating all of the recent cases he had been working on to look for leads. He was an activist against the government, the police department, and corporal corruption. So suspects are innumerable. Jenny Acorn, Weazel News.


Mark turned off the radio soon after the he heard about Goldberg's murder and he rushed to the law firm building. The area was closed by cops and ambulances and he couldn't get in. He had no choice but to leave. He took Maxwell home then he went to his home. He walked up stairs to his office, sits on his chair and takes out a bottle of Scotch and started drinking. He was frozen, he didn't know what to do. Today was suppose to be a great day but it turned really bad, worse than his usual days.


Phillips Residence - Dukes, Liberty City - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - 2:47 PM


Mark remains seated continuing his drinking and suddenly remembers about the files that was handed to him. After going through them, he made an unbelievable discovery.

Edited by Dr-Mayhem111

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Next chapter coming soon.


Hope you guys are enjoying the story so far. The next chapter will have some action and serious drama and a surprise as well.


I would love some feedback to motivate me to continue this story and making it better.


Thank you.

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Mokrie Dela

Ok I would avoid pointless 'new chapter soon' posts


But the chapter:

Wasn't bad. A few errors that tell me this hasn't been proof read or edited - lack of punctuation such as apostrophes, spelling errors too. Minor stuff


Nothing really happened though. I like how you've tied 'final interview' in with your story - I was wondering where the gta connection was and its starting to look like you've gf some routing in the game down


But the big where mark goes to collect the files - why have you written it twice?

You say:


Niko then leaves and doesn't notice Mark. Mark walks up to the door and knocks announcing that he is from the Law Firm. Francis tells him to enter and Mark discusses about the documents that was meant for Tom Goldberg but Francis said he doesn't have them.

Then you write the same thing again but with speech. Both are not needed; merge them.


Apart from that not a bad job

A source of antagonism is needed though; I hope we meet our nemesis soon

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Chapter Two: A Wrapped Up Gift


Phillips Residence - Dukes, Liberty City - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - 2:47 PM


After going through the files, Mark discovers a written statement from Tom Goldberg dated June 24, 2008 which gives him an idea of Tom's recent cases.



After numerous attempts at getting through the corruption in the Liberty City law enforcement, I have finally found the source. Francis McReary, Deputy Police Commissioner for the LCPD, has been ordering assassinations on those who contain information on his corruption. A known assassination occurred in Union Drive East, victim identified as informant Christopher Daniels who had obtained incriminating pictures of Francis McReary. Francis was also supposedly associated with the one known as Manny Escuela from Bohan who was an ex-gangster vigilante with connections to Elizabeta "Liz" Torres and the Spanish Lords.


Case Number: 286-08 "Francis McReary" June 14, 2008


Mark soon realizes of the murder and who was responsible. He takes one more shot of scotch and begins to go over the murder.


"It all makes sense now. It was an assassination and I bet that Francis McReary was responsible for it and that Niko Bellic was the trigger man."


Mark takes his jacket and gets in his car then heads to Maxwell's house. With the effects from the hard consuming of scotch, Mark's driving quite recklessly and nearly gets into a chain of accidents.


Lebowski Residence - Meadow Park, Liberty City - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - 3:13 PM


Mark rushes to the front door and rapidly knocks on it until Maxwell's wife, Lily, answered.


"Mark, what the hell is wrong with you?" Lily asked

"Where's Max?"Mark replied out of breath.

"Why and why are you out of breath?" Lily answered with another question.

"No time, where is he" Mark asked again.


Maxwell soon came down the steps and notices Mark at the door and walks up to him.


"Mark, felling better?"

"Come with me." Mark told Max.

Max pauses debating on weather he should go or not. Mark tells him again in a raise volume."NOW!"

Max decides to leave with Mark and the two get into Mark's car and drive off. Maxwell, completely unaware of what going on, asks questions to find out what's going on.


"What the hell is going, why are you in a rush?"

"I think I may have the answer to the Tom Goldberg murder." Mark replies as he's driving eradically.

"What are you talking about?"

Mark throws papers from the files at Maxwell.

"Look at them. Look at the written statement." Mark tells Max.

Maxwell reads the papers but still has no idea what he's looking at.

"I'm not following you, what I'm I suppose to see?"

"You remember that Niko guy we saw enter the building before we left to Francis McReary's office?"

After a short pause, Maxwell answers "Yeah."

"Well as so happens, I saw him at McReary's office moments before the murder. He was handing Francis files from Tom Goldberg but he dropped some and I picked it up thinking it was from my files I had in hand. I think he's a hired assassin that killed Tom Goldberg and Francis McReay hired him. After reading that it all makes sense."

Maxwell in a doubtful state. "Listen to yourself, you're insane. Why would the Deputy Police Commissioner want to kill a lawyer like Tom Goldberg." Maxwell replied.

"That written was going to put Francis in trial and put to prison forever. Getting rid of the files was the only way to avoid but because Tom Goldberg made it his objective to put McReary in prison, he had him killed." Mark replied.

"So what are going to do" Maxwell asked.

"I'm going to turn this in. Justice must prevail." Mark answers.

"Are you crazy, once the police find out you have this they'll have you killed and make it look like an accident. They've done it before." Maxwell yells.

"I'll be fine don't worry." Mark says calmly.


They make it a random phone booth in Star Junction and Mark makes a call. He calls Agent Kevin Myers of the FIB and tells him to meet up at the Higgins Helitours. They arrive and Agent Myers is all ready aboard a helicopter.


Higgins Helitours - Castle Gardens, Liberty City - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - 3:38 PM


Mark and Max make their way to the helicopter and as they were about to enter Agent Myers wanted to confirmed who they were and Mark identified himself and Maxwell and they got in. The helicopter flew at high altitude above waters while talking to the agent. Mark shows the files and explains to Agent Myers about the possibility that Francis McReary is responsible for Tom Goldberg. The result were.......bad.


"So you managed to get these files from the office before the murder, identified the assassin, and think Francis McReary was behind it all. This is surely a relief. Imagine if this managed to get on the wrong hands, it would be fatal. Good work Mark." Agent Myers told Mark.


"So what now?" Mark asked

Before Agent Myers answered he turned around and asked the pilot a question.

"What is our current location Gus?"

"High and outside Liberty City." The pilot answered.

Mark soon yelled "What!?"

"I'm sorry Mark you're a good guy but you know all of this classified information and we can't let you live." Agent Myers replied.

Mark yelled again "What!?"

Agent Myers pulls out a what seems to be a custom Glock 17 and shoots Maxwell in the chest causing him to fall out the chopper. Mark was shocked from seeing that happened but he knew staying in that chopper was going to be his last mistake, so he acted quickly and jumped out. The agent shot from the chopper hoping to hit Mark but he assumed Mark would die from drowning. The chopper flies away and Mark lives. He sees Maxwell's body floating on the water, dead. Mark knew he couldn't stay there so he swam away but kept looking back whispering "I'm sorry Max."


Hove Beach - Hove Beach, Liberty City - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - 3:57 PM


Finally Mark reaches shore and soon breaks down in tears. After a while he hears the news from a nearby radio.



Weazel News.


Assassin Identified.


"Jenny Acorn: That's right, the person responsible for the Tom Goldberg murder earlier today has been identified. Law intern Mark Phillips from Leftwood, Alderny is the killer and has been captured by the FIB at the Higgins Helitour moments ago. It's obvious what he is going to face and we thank the Liberty City law enforcement once again for catching a terrorist. Jenny Acorn, Weazel News."


Mark couldn't believe what that FIB agent did in such a short time. It was obvious he had to get out of the city. He calls a taxi to take him to his home to pick up his stuff. Along the ride to his home he hears the news going crazy over Tom Goldberg's murder and hope Mark gets what he deserves when he doesn't deserve any of this.


Phillips Residence - Dukes, Liberty City - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - 4:15 PM


Mark arrives and tells the driver to wait outside. He walks up the steps and notices his door was slightly open and creeps in. As he is inside he says his wife's name.


"Jaimee. Are you here?"


Mark hears a noise behind him and he gets knocked out by an unseen force.


Unknown Location - Unknown - Thursday - July 13, 2008 - Unknown


Mark wakes up in a white room with one door, no windows and one chair placed in the middle of the room. When wakes up he hears a deep, loud, disturbing voice from a microphone.


"Get up. Sit on the chair."


Mark doesn't do anything and gets shocked with an electric strap placed on both his wrists. The voice repeats itself and Mark follows it's instruction. He limps towards the chair and sits, the voice starts making questions.


"Who are you?"

"Mark Phillips. Who are you" Mark replied

"That is none of your concern. You are an enemy of the state now and everybody thinks you're dead. You are now in a military base far away from Liberty City and you will be a subject for projects from now on. You no longer have a life."

Mark replies in anger "GO F*CK YOUSELF!"

He gets shocked again and again leaving him weak on the ground.


A distant voice is heard saying "Get him." and two men in Military uniforms walk him and pick up Mark taking him to what seems to be a lab. They tie him down to a cold metallic bed and a doctor walks in and says "What a pleasant surprise. Let's get started shall we."

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Chapter Three: From Man to Machine


Unknown Location - Unknown - Thursday - July 27, 2008 - Unknown


A dark room with the sounds of machines echoing every thirty seconds and a distant sound of breathing is heard, just barely due to the volume the machine sound. Mark is on heavy medications to keep him unconscious and still able to be worked on by the doctor. The lights turn on and Marks eyes are covered with bandages, what could have happened? A voice is heard from a P.A. "Wake up." the voice receives nothing so he says it again "Wake up." still no reaction. From the P.A. in the background the saying "Give him a charge." is heard and Mark is shocked and wakes up. Mark moves his hands around his face and finally feels the bandages on his face, he then panics and yells "What did you do to my face? Why can't I see?" He receives an answer that was worse than the discover of the bandages.


The voice replies "You were used as a project to test the new sense enhancement technology. In order to do so we had to connect micro chips into your eye nerves and the process was less than successful."


"What do you mean less than successful?" Mark replied in a more panicked manner.


"I mean that once you take off the bandages on your face, you're still not going to see. Your sight is completely gone." The voice replied.


Mark then rips off the bandages and he finds out that the voice was right, he was blind. He reaches his hands towards a mirror and feels an instant rage and punches the mirror leaving a lot of damage, but the mirror was suppose to be indestructible. He then hears a voice going "He's no use to us, kill him." and a total of five men heavily armed men charge into the room with their guns pointed at Mark. As one tries to grab Marks arm, Mark quickly reacts and grabs the guards arm and throws him across the room. Another tries to grab him and Mark quickly grabs him throws multiple punches at him then gives him a powerful roundhouse to his head causing him to get knocked out. The three remaining guards aim their weapons and are prepared to fire but Mark heard the click from the guns and notices that he could see just a little what looked to be a wave of vibrations flowing on the surface. He confirms where the guards were standing and attacks all with great speed and power and in three seconds they were all down.


Mark finds the exit to the room and starts to roam the hallways with each step he makes the vibrations guide him forward. A sudden series of clicks occurred and Mark paused, rapid footsteps were going towards him and soon after, rapid shots occurred all aimed at Mark but failing at getting him. Mark uses the sounds and vibrations of the gun shots to see the surface and rushes behind a pillar. He finds a sharp piece of glass on the ground and picks it up waiting for the right time to throw it. Little did he know, as he can see with the sounds and vibrations he can slow down the motion in his mind and used it to aim at one of the shooters. He throws the sharp piece of glass at the nearest shooter and gets him at his throat and his weapon (M4A1 with Red Dot Sight) was lunged at Mark and he picked it up. Mark still behind the pillar still with multiple shooters to deal with he takes a deep breath and count so three. After saying three he jumps out of cover and begins shooting and he is killing all of them with one shot to the head.


Finally they are all dead and Mark is just appalled at his actions. Before now he had never killed anyone let alone holding or shooting a firearm. What the doctors thought was a failure was actually a success and Mark was the ultimate result they were hoping for. He takes his weapon and the ammo from the fallen guards and continues his way down the dark hallway. More guards come, Mark kills them all and it continued like that until he reached the exit, they were not going to let him go without a fight and he gave a goodbye and finger of insult. He is finally outside and it seems it was daytime because he felt the hot temperature and sand hitting him, he has confirmed he was in the desert. He begins walking in hopes to find a phone to call for help. He hears cars in distance and music from what seemed to be a bar. He walks in still in his clothes from when he was captured. He asked for a phone and the bartender told him it was in the back. He makes a long distance call to Liberty City. He calls Robert Martinez, his friend from the law firm, and tells him everything that happened so far and when Robert asks where Mark was, he had no idea so he asked the bartender.


"Excuse me but can you tell me where I'm at?" Mark asks the bartender.

"Red's Desert Bar." He replied.

"No I mean where I'm I at?" Mark asked again.

"Uhhh Blaine County." He replied in a confused attitude.

"No I mean....WHAT F*CKING STATE AM I IN?!" Mark aggressively asked.

"You're kidding ain't ya?" The bartender asked.

"Does it look like I'm kidding sh*t for brains? Just tell me where I am." Mark replied.

"San Andreas. You ain't from around here are you?" The bartender sarcastically replied.

"Gee how'd you guess?" Replied also in a sarcastic manner.


Mark gets back on the phone and tell Robert where he is located. Robert gives Mark an address to his brother Geraldo Martinez and tells him to go there and he'll get there in three days. They end their conversation and Mark politely asked the bartender for a way to get to Los Santos. A train goes to Los Santos in an hour and the station is not far from his current location. He makes his way there and he feels the difference Blaine County was from Liberty City, the pace wasn't as fast, people aren't randomly screaming, and the weather is actually nice. He reaches teh train station and the train had just arrived, he gets on board and sits silently waiting for his stop.

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Mokrie Dela

In seeing a lot of errors in the last two chapters, hae your oven them a proof read?


Also it sound very expositional. You're telling us what's happens like a report. Show us,have the events happen around us, pull the reader in and drop them in the middle of a scene


Perhaps try to Imagine the scene playing out in front of you

It feels rushed to me,

Take your time to edit and read it man

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Master of San Andreas

Great Story so far.Some errors here and there but excellent twists keep it up Mayhem! smile.gif

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