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universetwisters

Writing a script for a mod - feedback?

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universetwisters

Hey guys,

 

So, I'm writing a plot for a total conversion mod for GTA 4. I won't go into too much detail on the mod itself, given that this is the wrong place to discuss it, but this isn't about the mod: this is about the mission writing. To make a long story short, I wrote a script for the first mission (the link of which is right here)

 

My biggest fear is that it isn't well-worded, the dialogue doesn't flow the way it should, and the main characters are just "railroaded" into doing stuff. If you guys can take a look and provide some feedback, I would greatly appreciate it smile.gif

 

Thanks!

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Ziggy455

I just gave it a read and for a game script it seems pretty solid. Nothing seems really forced and it builds up a general overview and introduction to Will. I'd need to see a bigger scale script and story arc to be able to critique it more. lol.gif

 

It's not bad.

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universetwisters
I just gave it a read and for a game script it seems pretty solid. Nothing seems really forced and it builds up a general overview and introduction to Will. I'd need to see a bigger scale script and story arc to be able to critique it more. lol.gif

 

It's not bad.

Thank you, amigo! cookie.gifHere's one I did right after writing it. I just gotta check my messages and I may as well write up a legitimate plot for the mod wink.gif

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universetwisters

Okay, I added the first character's plot: Trey's plotline that he gives to Will:

 

 

Will meets Trey at his house, where Craig Miller, Neil Myall, and Dave Welwyn are introduced Craig informs Trey that the leader of the skinheads, Sam Moreau (who happens to be Trey's ex girlfriend from High School), has moved back to Dresden after living in Los Santos for four years while trying to get a bachelors degree in Physics. Trey panics, and sends Will on many "surveillance missions", many of which involve stalking her and harassing her current boyfriend, Sean Harris. They finally get Sean's address online, and decide to blow up the house with $500 worth of firecrackers. However, the plan fails, and they attempt to get equipment "more heavier than firecrackers". When they finally get enough equipment together and equipment to enter Sean's house, they sneak into the house, only to find that Sam is nowhere to be found, and Sean is masturbating to "Black Cocks IV: White Girl's Nightmare". The gang kills him and storm out of the house, angry.

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AceRay

 

Will walks with a limp, which he got after he accidentally walked down an escalator going "up" while he was talking on his cell phone, hitting his tailbone on every step,

Ha ha, read this on Will's character page. Nice to know the protagonist is a complete idiot.

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universetwisters
Will walks with a limp, which he got after he accidentally walked down an escalator going "up" while he was talking on his cell phone, hitting his tailbone on every step,

Ha ha, read this on Will's character page. Nice to know the protagonist is a complete idiot.

Thanks man, it's nice to have a "human" character with some type of flaw, not some shell of a man smile.gif

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universetwisters

Hate to double post, but I put down a very basic plotline of what ive got together right here. Any thoughts? Is it good or is it too cliched?

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Eminence

 

Hate to double post, but I put down a very basic plotline of what ive got together right here. Any thoughts? Is it good or is it too cliched?

I'm not really grasping any overarching plotline at all, to be honest. It doesn't make any sense. What's the main conflict? What does the protagonist want?

 

The 'First Missions' section is an absolute writeoff. It follows the immensely cliched "going to shoot at bottles to teach a game mechanism", and none of it really seems tied into the story; it's just filler to pad the opening out. What if you taught these mechanics in a relevant, contextual way that opens the central plotline?

 

'Trey' has a first glimpse at intrigue - conflict with the skinheads - but sort of becomes a bit ridiculous. Why would they just decide to blow up Sean's house, and then ultimately kill him? Isn't Will looking for a fresh start, trying to stay away from crime before ultimately being sucked in? Well, none of this seems necessary.

 

'Craig, act 1' isn't bad, but is again pretty cliched. Sure, one of the characters deciding to branch out into the drug trade could be a workable plot point - but how does it relate to the overall conflict, thematically? (That's difficult to say, since nobody seems sure what the overall conflict is). And again, motivation. Why does Craig want to do this? Why is Will happy to help him?

 

'Bernie' - well, this just feels like an attempt to shoehorn racing into the plot. Doesn't feel organic at all; it's completely irrelevant to the rest of the plot.

 

How do all of these elements combine? Why do we need to experience them, and why should Will be interested in them?

 

At the moment, none of his actions or motivations are consistent. He's just a cliched errand boy running round doing what everyone tells him to. What does he want?

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universetwisters

 

Hate to double post, but I put down a very basic plotline of what ive got together right here. Any thoughts? Is it good or is it too cliched?

I'm not really grasping any overarching plotline at all, to be honest. It doesn't make any sense. What's the main conflict? What does the protagonist want?

 

The 'First Missions' section is an absolute writeoff. It follows the immensely cliched "going to shoot at bottles to teach a game mechanism", and none of it really seems tied into the story; it's just filler to pad the opening out. What if you taught these mechanics in a relevant, contextual way that opens the central plotline?

 

'Trey' has a first glimpse at intrigue - conflict with the skinheads - but sort of becomes a bit ridiculous. Why would they just decide to blow up Sean's house, and then ultimately kill him? Isn't Will looking for a fresh start, trying to stay away from crime before ultimately being sucked in? Well, none of this seems necessary.

 

'Craig, act 1' isn't bad, but is again pretty cliched. Sure, one of the characters deciding to branch out into the drug trade could be a workable plot point - but how does it relate to the overall conflict, thematically? (That's difficult to say, since nobody seems sure what the overall conflict is). And again, motivation. Why does Craig want to do this? Why is Will happy to help him?

 

'Bernie' - well, this just feels like an attempt to shoehorn racing into the plot. Doesn't feel organic at all; it's completely irrelevant to the rest of the plot.

 

How do all of these elements combine? Why do we need to experience them, and why should Will be interested in them?

 

At the moment, none of his actions or motivations are consistent. He's just a cliched errand boy running round doing what everyone tells him to. What does he want?

Maybe the main conflict is taking out the skinheads or taking out some crooked cops. So far, I just see Will as an "errand boy", but I'll take your advice of giving him a "goal" (outside of his gun shop) and build up around that. So far, I just have Will as an arms trafficker who is getting sucked into the "nit and grit" of crime by his friends and neighbors.

 

And I think I'll remove Bernie's plot, see how I can better implement racing into the plot. Maybe Will tries to recruit a band of small-time bikers to run drugs/guns for him? Like I said, I'll work on it more.

 

Thanks for the feedback guys, appreciate the help! smile.gif

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universetwisters

Okay, re-wrote some of the plot so far. If I didn't change it, I couldn't find a way to or anything that felt "natural":

 

 

The game has many plotlines given to the Will by main characters, many of which involving Will attempting to rid the town of Neo-Nazis while building a criminal empire of his own

 

First Missions

 

The game begins with Will, going to his gun store to sell his friend Trey a shotgun, a Defender 500. After the sale, Trey informs Will that he is trying to take down a local group of Neo-Nazis, and asks Will for his assistance, to which Will agrees. After meeting Trey, he and Will converse about their plan, and decide to "practice" shooting some bottles in a field outside of town in order to build up their skill. The plan backfires, however, when the owner of the field comes out of nowhere and shoots at them. They abruptly leave.

 

Trey

 

Will meets Trey at his house, where Craig Miller, Neil Myall, and Dave Welwyn are introduced. Craig informs Trey that the leader of the skinheads, Sam Moreau (who happens to be Trey's ex girlfriend from High School), has moved back to Dresden after living in Los Santos for four years while trying to get a bachelors degree in Physics. Trey panics, and sends Will on many "surveillance missions", many of which involve stalking her and harassing her current boyfriend, Sean Harris, the owner of a nightclub local nightclub and neo-nazi hangout, Digital Underground. They finally decide to make a move, and Craig hatches the idea to blow up the nightclub with $500 worth of firecrackers, in an attempt to scare Sam out of town. However, the plan fails, and the gang settles for raiding the club and killing Sam in the process. Sean is in the office of the nightclub during the raid, but Sam is nowhere to be seen. After the raid and murder of Sean, Will and Trey decide to use the club as a base of their operations.

 

Craig, act 1

 

Around the same time Will is doing missions for Trey, Craig asks Will to help him investigate the phenomena in "Spank", a new drug that just recently hit the streets of Dresden. Will agrees to help Craig in his endeavor, considering the fact that trafficking & selling Spank can make a good profit. Will picks up a packet of it from a dealer for Craig (It turns out the drug deal was being monitored by the police). After escaping the police and giving the Spank to Craig, Craig snorts the Spank, and angrily tells Will to leave, before having a panic attack. Will then drives Craig to the hospital. After driving him to the hospital, Craig realizes that if they can sell spank, they should find a large number of it, and instructs Will to ambush a cartel-ran truck carrying Spank. After stealing the truck and parking it in Craig's backyard, they unload the spank and Craig thanks him on a job well done, before telling him to ditch the truck on Trey's front lawn as a joke.

 

Celtic Crosses MC, act 1

(Activated after Craig's mission strands)

 

Will is working in his store, where he meets Jack, the leader of a small biker gang based out of a bar outside of Dresden called the Celtic Crosses MC. After striking up a conversation, Jack expresses his boredom, wondering why he "put up a biker gang in a small town like this". Will then offers him and his small-time gang a job, running Spank and black-market firearms across the state. Jack is open to the opportunity, but is skeptical, so he makes a deal with Will: If he can beat him and the other gang members, Bitch Maker (BM) and Scottie. After Will wins the race, he is given a vest and is told by Jack that "If you want us to help you, we need you to help us". The rest of their "act" involves Will helping the Celtic Crosses get rid of FIB agents who are tracking them, including evidence, etc.

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AceRay

 

Oh, "Motor Vehicle Theft V?" What clever satire. You are truly the master of subtly. I had to spend almost an hour consulting many great authors such as Shakespeare, Dickens and Meyer to figure out what that was referencing.

 

 

Travis Bickle: *Sighs, then disappointingly* Yay. Now come on, I'll drive back to my place.

I think it should have been "in a disappointed tone" or "sarcastically" because that line on its own doesn't really make sense. Its kind of a happy phrase, "Yay" and Robert Di Nero needs to use it in the right sort of way, not disappointed. Not to mention that you wasted this opportunity between the two neo-nazis to create some interesting dialogue that explores them or the world around them but you wasted it with the conversation basically being "Hi" and "Let's go".

 

I don't know, this is alright but its a bit bland, I'm not really getting a lot personality from these characters except Trey. Will needs more character in him, he's just this idiot who helps these people out and his dialogue was basically "Hi" and "I will do that mission you just gave me."

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universetwisters

Okay, fixed it up a bit (added more dialouge between sam & sean/travis bickle & some more lines for Will)

 

Keep in mind that Will is all for taking out the skinhead gang, as seen in the first few missions and whatnot

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universetwisters

As badly as I hate bumping old threads, I thought this wouldn't concern it's own topic. After a while of hard thinking and work, I decided that I should change concepts from a non-linear story to a linear one (for simplicity), so I made a new wikki and A couple of new missions. If you could take the time to read through it and give some feedback, I'd gladly appreciate it! smile.gif

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