Eminence Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) ~ Edited June 17, 2021 by Eminence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Wow. I just read this and I must say, it's wonderfully written. Nice detail, the pace is quick. The killer gives me a sort of vibe of humour splashed with judgement. The ending was brilliant and witty. I honestly couldn't find nothing wrong. It'd make a good prologue. "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AceRay Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Great opening, really hooked me in. It really caught my attention. The characters were interesting and the whole weather aspect was really fun. Its a pretty simple scene played beautifully. Keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Zilcho Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Brilliant... for some reason, the certainty of the weather's change in Trent's mind, and his reference to "guys upstairs" makes me think he's divinely sent - just a slight feel, probably wasn't what you intended but I liked the insinuation none the less. Very nice piece, thoroughly enjoyable and tense. U R B A N I T A S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokrie Dela Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 So i had a glance, with the intent on reading it later, and read it all. You held me. Well written and a nice steady flow. I often struggle with my works going really fast then s l o w i n g d o w n and getting boring. Not this. Although i found the plot/idea done before, the way its written overrode that. I enjoyed it El zilcho - i had the same thought. Angel of death? The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. Click here to view my Poetry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yossarianite Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 Really great man, very detailed and its perfect in all aspects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AceRay Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 Its perfect in all aspects. I wouldn't go that far, no piece of writing is absolutely perfect. While I feel that, yes, it is a great piece of writing, I thought the actual story it was telling was a bit over used. Maybe there could have been twist like he doesn't kill him or something. Anyway, that's only nitpicking to be honest, this writing and pacing was great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yossarianite Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 Its perfect in all aspects. I wouldn't go that far, no piece of writing is absolutely perfect. While I feel that, yes, it is a great piece of writing, I thought the actual story it was telling was a bit over used. Maybe there could have been twist like he doesn't kill him or something. Anyway, that's only nitpicking to be honest, this writing and pacing was great. I don't find a twist in the guy being saved, it'd be... eh... a little usual. We've all got our views, you've got yours I've got mine! Yes nothing is perfect and I guess I must have thought before saying that..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Zilcho Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 El zilcho - i had the same thought. Angel of death? Yeah exactly, was wondering if that was the hint. It's a very accomplished piece - no verbosity or minimalism, just the kind of balanced work that Eminence pulls off well. U R B A N I T A S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for the kind words everyone! If anyone has any pointers or criticisms, or picked up on something you thought didn't quite work, feel free to let me know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adler Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 “Then it’s settled. If it rains, you’re gonna follow every drop to the ground. If it doesn’t, you get to take the stairs.” I love this line. And as mentioned earlier, I had a good time reading this due to the fast and consistent pacing of the piece. The instant but brief downpour though, was a little too supernatural for me, but maybe that's what you were going for. Maybe an angel of death was sent to execute the will of the guy upstairs, and he used the rain to confirm judgement. That last line however, I thought could have used more implications as to what Trent meant. I'm a big fan of totality in works, and the last line felt a little loose to me. Got me guessing a lot about Trent's victims in the past, and why they didn't get to "take the stairs." Although the work is good as a sum of its parts, I felt the whole could have been improved much better with the last line being tied up to something deeper about Trent that would have made the piece feel more complete. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blitz Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Beautiful, hooked me immediately. Pretty much what I wanted to say has already been covered by everyone else, so I wont say anything other than..brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abel. Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for the kind words everyone! If anyone has any pointers or criticisms, or picked up on something you thought didn't quite work, feel free to let me know. Criticising your work is very difficult I find. Your command of the written word is flawless, so I can't pick on your SPAG. Also, as El Zilcho noted, your work is free of verbosity, yet I find your prose still has an edge of sophistication. My only complaint is that I anticipated what was coming, so maybe the ending didn't feel that satisfying. However the final line made up for this--it alluded to numerous different analyses of Trent's position (accomplished hitman or embodiment of the grim reaper or suchlike). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orbitalraindrops Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Reminds me a bit of Old Boy, alot of Shadows. Writings okay, prose wise, story didn't hold my interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Reminds me a bit of Old Boy, alot of Shadows. Writings okay, prose wise, story didn't hold my interest. It's pretty inconsequential, I suppose. What about it specifically didn't hold your interest? It's interesting to see how you guys have picked out the same thing and given varying opinions on it. Like that last line - it didn't work for Adler, but it salvaged the ending for elanman. I guess that says a lot! Once again, thanks a lot for all the feedback. It's great to see so many replies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linki Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Got a Joker vibe from it for some reason. Was this on purpose? Smooth and sleek piece. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chunk Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Top work, Phil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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