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The Westdyke Horror


GhostWriter

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GhostWriter

 

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If you thought Liberty was dangerous, a city rife in foundations of crime and corruption, then you don't know the Demonic past that it has.

 

He was apeaceful and was a man of God, that was until the Satanic rituals were awaken and possessed the Priest causing him to be murderous and hostile. The land was now officially cursed and people feared to look at such place of evil. - A good prologue could be used from this? Why not give us a scene of utter chaos and evil? A village mutilated or something close to it.

 

The Priest, Enoch Jericho, would kidnap people and torture them by sewing their mouths closed, keep them hanged with hooks though their arms, put them in a torture contraption he made which is equipped with two drills that slowly make their way to the victims temple and drills their skull until the two drills are met. He had alot of theories on how to torture people.

 

Finally people were tired of his Satanic doings and formed a mob to kill him, let's just say they weren't as successful as they would've thought. The Sheriff went inside alone searching for Jericho and found him in the basement standing next to a pile of of tortured dead bodies. Jericho turned around and saw that the Sheriff was there, the Sheriff pointed him gun at Jericho but Jericho refused to die by his weapon. Jericho drew his six inch hook knife and said these exact words "I am not going anywhere, I will be here.... Forever!", after saying that threatening sentence he slit his throat spilling alot of blood.

 

Finally he was dead and the Sheriff felt relieved, but little did he know, Jericho was right....... He wasn't going anywhere. Jericho's evil spirit killed the Sheriff and everyone on the land. The land was officially sealed from everything, but Jericho still roams along with other demons.

 

 

Part One
The Dark Secret
Prologue Prologue
One Graduation
Edited by GhostWriter
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If you thought Liberty was dangerous, a city rife in foundations of crime and corruption, then you don't know the Demonic past that it has. Back in the 1800s, multiple Satanic rituals took place in a place of prisoners that was once known as the Westdyke Jail but the land was purchased by a priest from an unknown place in 1875 and he turned it into a church and his home. - Very expositional!

 

He was apeaceful and was a man of God, that was until the Satanic rituals were awaken and possessed the Priest causing him to be murderous and hostile. The land was now officially cursed and people feared to look at such place of evil. - A good prologue could be used from this? Why not give us a scene of utter chaos and evil? A village mutilated or something close to it.

 

The Priest, Enoch Jericho, would kidnap people and torture them by sewing their mouths closed, keep them hanged with hooks though their arms, put them in a torture contraption he made which is equipped with two drills that slowly make their way to the victims temple and drills their skull until the two drills are met. He had alot of theories on how to torture people.]  Exposition!

 

Finally people were tired of his Satanic doings and formed a mob to kill him, let's just say they weren't as successful as they would've thought. The Sheriff went inside alone searching for Jericho and found him in the basement standing next to a pile of of tortured dead bodies. Jericho turned around and saw that the Sheriff was there, the Sheriff pointed him gun at Jericho but Jericho refused to die by his weapon. Jericho drew his six inch hook knife and said these exact words "I am not going anywhere, I will be here.... Forever!", after saying that threatening sentence he slit his throat spilling alot of blood.

 

Finally he was dead and the Sheriff felt relieved, but little did he know, Jericho was right....... He wasn't going anywhere. Jericho's evil spirit killed the Sheriff and everyone on the land. The land was officially sealed from everything, but Jericho still roams along with other demons.

 

I'm going to give you feedback in two ways: Internal and External. External is Punctuation, grammar, and presentation while Internal is more story-based.

 

So we'll start off with Internal.

 

There's a difference between telling a story and giving a large summary of events. The read doesn't like big chunks of exposition (backstory or explanation. Like so here's a little example.

 

 

Story telling

John stepped into the large dusty room. The incense gave off a sickly sweet smell that made him almost gag, the humidity suffocated him and tore at his clothes. Sweat perspired heavily and he found himself wiping his head violently. He stepped over to the desk and noticed the book. The words inscribed on it read '1888'. He flicked it open to the first page and scanned it, the pages were old and frail with sketched drawings of self mutilation, satanic ritals, and one picture which stood out. A picture of Cotswald Jones - John's very own great grandfather, the very one heralded as a monumental religious figure to the Church!

 

Now with these, it moves the story along. I don't let on everything you don't know who Cotswald is, you don't understand what he's doing in some demonic book, but you're curious to find out. You want to splice in tiny bits of exposition occasionally.

 

 

Expositional writing

John was Cotwald's great grandson. He had found out Cotswald was a Demonic Satanist and Evil enthusiast who was secretly practising his dark arts behind the back of the Church. John left the house with the book in his hand, the very book written by none other than the Dark Master himself!

 

See how I have written the same scene but it is quick and snappy and so choc-full of information that nobody wants to read it. Splice in dialogue, splice in tension and don't let up about the past. Let your protagonist explain the past, let us find out in tidbits about it's creepy past endeavours!

 

Punctuation wise- some of your sentences kind of end, there's words missing that cut the flow dead, I have put some improvements on in red for you.

 

Hope I helped.

 

 

"I don't know about angels, but it's fear that gives men wings."

 

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My retinas are burning with that all that red text.

 

Anyway, as ziggs said, this was like reading a history book than an actual story.

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  • 4 weeks later...
GhostWriter

Prologue

Westdyke Compound - Westdyke, Liberty - Summer 1922

Friday - 3:16 AM

 

Behind the Mansion is a newly built casino that attracts the attention of the wealthy residence in Westdyke. A crowd of drunk's that just left the casino were walking past the mansion compound. Among the crowd is Francis Carter who was celebrating the birth of his son with his older brother and his co-workers.

 

Big Wolf Anderson and the Miners just performed at the casino and sung their greatest songs "Road Ruiner" and "Layla's Interlude". The group walk away singing the song they enjoyed the most.

 

Raymond and Francis: "All night I've been staring, can't you tell that I want you. I couldn't be too wide open, there's nothing I won't dooo ohhhhh, just thought you should knooooooow. 'Cause when you start to laugh."

 

James and Martin: "Uh-oh uh-ohhh"

 

Raymond and Francis: "I just want what I can't have."

 

James and Martin: "Uh-oh uh-ohhh."

 

Raymond and Francis: "Won't you please give me a chance."

 

James and Martin: "Uh-oh uh-ohhh"

 

Raymond and Francis: "You claim that I am not as serious as you, but if you only knew...."

 

All together: "This is serious."

 

Martin: "That was one hell of a performance Big Wolf Anderson and the Miners did. They sang my two favorite songs."

 

Francis: "Layla's Interlude reminded me of Lucy uhhhhh....that girl I used to date back in Acter."

 

Raymond: "Lucy Miller?"

 

Francis: "Yeah, she was one hell of a girl. What ever happened to her?"

 

Raymond: "She dumped you then you left the neighborhood hahaha."

 

Raymond, Martin, and James laugh

 

Francis: "F*uck you Ray."

 

Raymond: "I'm just messing with you little brother. Hey James, you're barely talking what's going on?"

 

James: "Nothing, I just don't feel well around here."

 

Francis: "Yeah well that's too bad for you haha. Anyway, I have to take a leak I'll catch up with you guys."

 

Raymond: "Alright."

 

Francis goes in the compound and finds a tree. He looks around the compound being completely skeptical about the mansion being cursed. He finishes urinating and starts walking to the exit, as he got close the gate closes as well.

 

Francis: "What the hell is going on?"

 

Francis looks around to see if Raymond was playing a joke.

 

Francis: "Ray is this a joke? It's not funny, okay you got me just come on."

 

Francis hears footsteps behind him and he quickly turns around.

 

Francis: "Who's there?"

 

A red silhouette in the form of a tall man formed in front of Francis. Francis runs in fear not knowing where he was going, turned out he ran to the mansion. He froze in confusion and fear when he saw the mansion up front. It was a very big place which belonged to the owner.... Enoch Jericho.... who did not like trespassers.

 

Francis heard a whisper.

 

Unknown whisper: "Francis....... are you scared?"

 

Francis: "WHO ARE YOU!?"

 

It was dead silent for a while until...... a loud roar was heard not far from Francis. It sounded like a monster from hell. When Francis turned around, it turned out.... it was.

 

Raymond the others were curious why Francis didn't show up.

 

Martin: "Where the hell is Frankie, it's been twenty minutes."

 

James: "How do you know how to tell time you dumb bastard?"

 

Martin: "It's just a wild guess."

 

Raymond: "Shut up you queers. You two stay here and I'll look for Frankie."

 

James: "Be careful."

 

Raymond walks to where he last saw Francis, at the compound. He stood and yelled his name.

 

Raymond: "FRANKIE! FRANKIE WHERE ARE YOU!?

 

Raymond gets not reply. He starts walking back to James and Martin until something caught his eye. It was Francis's fedora that was left on the ground. He attempts to go in the compound to pick up the hat, but there was no way in. He yells Francis's name again.

 

Raymond: "FRANKIE!"

 

This time he got a reply, and it was Francis screaming help from the compound.

 

Francis: (Distant)"HEEEELLLLLP!"

 

Raymond rushes over to the gate trying to open it until the red silhouette arrived at the gate facing Raymond screaming...

 

Silhouette: "LEAVE NOW !"

 

Raymond: "F*ck you where's Francis?"

 

The Silhouette laughs.

 

Raymond: "Why are you laughing, where the f*ck is my brother you f*cking cocksucker!?"

 

Silhouette: "You'll see him in Hell."

 

The silhouette disappears. A picture of a young man is thrown at Raymond's hand, he didn't now who it was. But it was Anthony Carter, Francis's Great-Great-Grandson from the future.

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