TinTinn Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Uncle Van He reminisces his life As he stares outside the window sill What does life bring What does life take Is it all a matter of destiny, fate. In his dying moments Attachted to a machine Hangs loose memories of what was seemed The last memory of my Mother Is in the arms of this droid, this machine Uncle Van With a tear in his eye Tries to whipe it but can't move He's to scared to move As every time he breaths He wishes more and more for the lord to take him A void clears his mind, with old photos and music The government are controlling this droid, this machine It's borrowed money, hope and time In his final breaths, a new life is born Awoken A feeling of excitement clears thoughts of death He knows that death is a stage, doorway He reaches terminal velocity He reaches Waking Life He sees the bright light and noises And all we hear is the dull flatline Uncle Van wakes up as a baby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyler Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 ... In his dying moments Attached to a machine Hangs loose memories of what was seemed what? The last memory of my Mother Is in the arms of this droid, this machine Uncle Van With a tear in his eye Tries to wipe it, but can't move He's to scared to move As every time he breathes He wishes more and more for the lord to take him A void clears his mind, with old photos and music The government are controlling this droid, this machine what? It's borrowed money, hope and time In his final breaths, a new life is born Awoken A feeling of excitement clears thoughts of death He knows that death is a stage, doorway He reaches terminal velocity He reaches waking life He sees the bright light and noises And all we hear is the dull flatline Uncle Van wakes up as a baby There's a few problems I have with the wording and structure of the poem. mainly, the poem is too grounded in unoriginal phrase and common wording to really get a new feeling. Death and rebirth is a very covered subject, the only way you can hope to break out of cliché is to incorporate your personal experience and/or indulge in less common storytelling. Some things particularly made no sense to me, however: ... Hangs loose memories of what was seemed ... I'm not entirely sure what you were going for with this, to be honest. The government are controlling this droid, this machine Same with this. Is "The government" referring to the fact that hospitals are government-run? It's also worded improperly. The flow of the poem seems to be a bit off, overall. You have an interesting idea, but ideas are only half of the equation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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