GTA-King Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 I'm in the process of writing a very dramatic story about a mathematician who resorts to counting cards for the mob in order to secure his family's finances. Their house has flopped on their mortgage and they are in danger of going bankrupt, so Daniel Brightman uses his expertise in mathematics as a way to secure alot of money fast! But he soon gets dragged into the harsh criminal underworld of New Jersey, and eventually Las Vegas. He soon comes to enjoy his new lavish lifestyle of money, cars, women and booze. But family is first, and he must try to keep this life a secret from them. The mob wants revenge... but you'll have to wait and see what their definition of revenge means. Here's the prologue to the story. If yall don't like the concept of the story, I may just not even waste my time typing it. But here we go: Prologue: Running, running, running. But why am I running? Why are these guys chasing me? Is it because of what I did? Surely in this day in age what I've done is not that big of a deal. But these guys obiviously don't approve. Running, running, running. For every flight of stairs I climb, I just want to lay down and pass out. How f*cking tall is the building? Maybe I should just give up. It would be alot easier. Perhaps these guys are determined to give me a hug? Yeah right! I got to get the hell away. Running, running, running. Getting close to the roof, I just know it! But where to after that? Maybe I can hide somewhere and they won't find me. Or I can take off some clothing and make it look I jumped. Who ARE these guys?! Running, running... running... stop. I've made it to the roof! Now where to go? There is nowhere to hide! Before I could get my shirt off to make it look like I jumped, there's a gun sticking in my face. All I could do was stare down the barrel. For some reason I thought about if this is what it was like staring into a mountain lions cave, but not knowing when it would strike. "You counted cards in the wrong casino my friend." The man with the gun said, just as the rest of his friends made it to the roof and surrounded me. "But, you're in luck." he says, "We need a guy like you. So either you help us, or we will throw you off this roof. So what will it be?" Looking back now, I think it would have been easier to just jump. So what do you guys think? Would you like me to continue this story... or could you care less? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 The overall concept of the story is not bad. The prologue itself is a little short. I mean you wouldn't write the prologue of Star Wars like: "Hey Luke, join me now, you need to! It's who you are!" to which Luke responds immediately. The build up to the Committing Act should be longer, not a whole back story but maybe an insight into his family, WHY have they lost their house, how does he get into the whole counting cards idea? This isn't a regular thing for him..Or is it? We don't know. It's up to you to show us a little. And the name: Daniel 'Brightman' who's a mathematician who counts cards? Wow what a 'bright man' he is...You see the cliché there? Change his second name. Nobody wants to read a story about John Smith or Dave Everyman. If you need a proofreader, I am only a PM away. "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTA-King Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 (edited) Thanks man, I'll keep that in mind! And yeah, I see what you mean by the last name. I'll think of some a bit more clever. I'm glad you liked the overall concept though. Feel free to message me some ideas if you have any! And the overall theme of the prologue was to keep the reader intersted through an intense situation. My goal was to have the reader become curious as to how the protagonist got in this situation. Think of it as a "Tarantino" flashback. Edited January 15, 2012 by GTA-King Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoshGTAfreak Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 The idea has been done before, but it's not bad. It has the chance for some interesting character development. It also sets the scene for action, drama, comedy, so yeah it's great. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I need to remember to come back here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 I think the way you're implementing the plot you've been talking about sounds like it's going to be immensely cliche. It sounds far too much like the typical break into criminal life, first it was tough, then there were good times, but inevitably it's going to come crashing down. Nevermind Breaking Bad - you don't have to look further than Scarface to see something like that in action. The prose itself is a little clunky. You should space out your writing throughout a few paragraphs instead of constraining it into one. The 'running, running, running' motif - although I can see what you're trying to do - doesn't really work, I don't think. The 'it would have been easier to just jump' is worked into it nicely, though. Again, it's a pretty cliche sort of line, but in this case it works alright. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTA-King Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the feedback, Eminence! Yeah, what I was trying to do with the whole "Running, running, running" bit was to add intensity. This is the prologue after all, so I figured if I made it intense it would spark an interest in the reader to continue reading in order to find out how the protagonist got himself in this situation. And I do realise the story is a bit cliche, but if I can make the characters interesting I feel it would be an enjoyable read. Edited January 17, 2012 by GTA-King Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 And I do realise the story is a bit cliche, but if I can make the characters interesting I feel it would be an enjoyable read. Definitely. What I'm saying though is just be aware of the predictability of this sort of story. If you can throw in a curve ball or two and throw the reader off, it'll really give you an edge! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTA-King Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 Good advice! I'll see what I can come up with. First I feel it would be best to build up the characters. Then once the reader is emotionally attached, I will throw in some twists and curve balls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GentlemanSquid Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 On what Ziggy said, it best to add a bit of writing about his everyday life. In a screenplay the action doesn't start until 25 minutes in. That 25 minutes is setting the scene of who the characters are, and how they live a normal life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTA-King Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Agreed. All this is was a prologue though, like I said. It's actually a flashback, which sets the tone for the rest of the story. It was only meant to grab the reader's interest to keep reading. In chapter one, I will take it from the very beginning, which is where I will start building up the story and characters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 RE: 25 minutes / 25 pages / 25 whatever's worth of exposition. Wow, that is such a bad, bad way to approach things. I don't think I'd get to page 25 of any of your work, I'd probably be asleep. King - your intro is do or die. You need to hook the reader/viewer, you need to get them interested. You're going about it the right way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoshGTAfreak Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Also, just a tip to keep you motivated.... The more you write, the more likely you are to become better at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTA-King Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Thanks for all the feedback everyone! I think I have enough to go on now, and I will begin typing up the first chapter here soon. So expect it by mid Febuary! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GentlemanSquid Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 RE: 25 minutes / 25 pages / 25 whatever's worth of exposition. Wow, that is such a bad, bad way to approach things. I don't think I'd get to page 25 of any of your work, I'd probably be asleep. Obviously you would adjust it to match the final page count. I was talking about a typical 90 page script. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 RE: 25 minutes / 25 pages / 25 whatever's worth of exposition. Wow, that is such a bad, bad way to approach things. I don't think I'd get to page 25 of any of your work, I'd probably be asleep. Obviously you would adjust it to match the final page count. I was talking about a typical 90 page script. Yeah, and if you sat me in front of a typical 90 minute flick that went 25 minutes with nothing but exposition, it's highly unlikely I'd see it through to the end. I understand what you're trying to say. The whole establishing the character and their world before disturbing the equilibrium with the break into act 2. But putting such rigid formatting on it, or saying that you need to pause for this exposition, is just tampering with the natural flow of any story. Exposition is boring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GentlemanSquid Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 RE: 25 minutes / 25 pages / 25 whatever's worth of exposition. Wow, that is such a bad, bad way to approach things. I don't think I'd get to page 25 of any of your work, I'd probably be asleep. Obviously you would adjust it to match the final page count. I was talking about a typical 90 page script. Yeah, and if you sat me in front of a typical 90 minute flick that went 25 minutes with nothing but exposition, it's highly unlikely I'd see it through to the end. I understand what you're trying to say. The whole establishing the character and their world before disturbing the equilibrium with the break into act 2. But putting such rigid formatting on it, or saying that you need to pause for this exposition, is just tampering with the natural flow of any story. Exposition is boring. It's not just exposition. You watch a film and time how long it takes for the main character to break in the second act. For example, in Die Hard we see John get off the plane and arrive to the tower, we learn about his character and the situation with his wife. At the same time the terrorists are setting up. John doesn't get involved until the 25 minute mark. I know it is not the best example. Sorry if I wasn't clear before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTA-King Posted January 19, 2012 Author Share Posted January 19, 2012 The way I see it, if you build the characters up then the reader will feel emotionally attached to them once the major story arches take place. If you don't feel for the characters than the story just sucks imo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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