JUSTICE IN FLAMES

[Mokrie Dela]

That chapter was amazing, The confrontation at the start, the killing of D'Amiko and Greenhorn all of it was just amazing

Thanks man!

 

@Kifflom112, the deli i mentioned (i did write a scene in a deli but cant actually remember if i edited it out or not!) was just a composite deli, not supposed to be a specific place, just a generic deli.

 

 

I'm glad people are enjoying this chapter. It was a long one, and they can be a task to read at times. I'll get the next chapter uploaded as soon as i can (christmas=busy)

[Master of San Andreas]

I'm late I only started in City of Lies.But that is very cool!I put it in my sig.Deserved that award.

 

Only first 3 chapters I read I think but are we gonna see a fallout story Mokrie?

 

would be cool Fallout: World's End or something.

[Mokrie Dela]

I am indeed working on a Fallout story, as well as an Assassin's Creed one.

 

They're still in very early stages at the moment though, so i wouldn't expect either before easter. Hell, GTA V will likely be out first!

 

I have an idea for the dynamic in the fallout story. Entire plot and title have not yet been decided on, same with the AC story.

 

In the meantime, it's been a long time coming. A little thing called Christmas kind of happened.

 

 

 

 

Chapter Nine - ...An Old Friend.

 

 

“No rest for the wicked.” Rami said. Following their recent aerial battle, Luis and Brucie embarked on a short reconnaissance mission. It was a simple one, using the same long range camera that Niko had used. They observed Algonquin and, more specifically, Easton. The news back was not good. Algonquin was riddled with small command posts – not the installations that Luis and Brucie had destroyed, but smaller, mobile versions, all out of the back of armored trucks. There was a major military presence in Algonquin, but on studying the photos, it was decided that the majority of these were PMC soldiers – especially near Easton Station.

“There’s too many.” Karen had said, looking at the photos. “We’ll need an army to even stand a chance against these.”

Rami clicked his jaw, as he often did while making decisions. After a moment, he spoke. “I think it’s time I played my Ace.” His phone came out and he began speaking to the unseen face.

Karen had insisted on coming along. She’d had some firearms training – enough to use a submachine gun – and besides, Niko told himself, she was none of his concern was she? If she got herself killed, then too bad.

Rami had the first job. He crept toward the command post van and placed the C4 in the wheel arch. On returning to his position, he’d looped round some of the other vehicles – all while remaining unseen, despite the daylight. Lax soldiers, he mocked silently.

Johnny was on his phone and, after a minute, gave the thumbs up. Luis turned and mimicked the sign.

The explosives detonated simultaneously. Six vehicles were destroyed and several PMC soldiers injured – none were killed, though most of the injured would not partake in the ensuing battle, which actually made them fortunate, in the sense that they might be the only ones to survive.

 

It was just like riding a bike, for the PMC regiment’s leader. The explosion had warned them of attack, and now every soldier was ready. How stupid of them, he thought, almost pitying the attackers – probably gang members who’d survived his boss’s recent culling. It would be much better to just open fire, but not everyone was a hardened soldier like he was, and thus not everyone had the same wealth of knowledge as he.

 

It was a bold move, but one Rami was confident would work. He knew the Colonel – he was a real Marine Corp colonel, albeit retired – and knew that, instead of defending his position with strength, as real soldiers would do, he would feel insulted, and be quick to anger. He had grown arrogant and complacent in his years as a mercenary. Besides, it was merely his attention that Rami wanted.

 

The colonel of the PMC regiment was barking orders to get his men organized. He was ready for an attack – and thus his men were ready for an attack. Guns were turned toward the smoke and flame as four figures appeared, slowly revealing themselves.

 

Niko stood beside Rami, Johnny and Luis. They carried their guns, marching straight toward the PMC.

 

The colonel couldn’t help but laugh. He’d worked in Korea, Africa, Panama and the Middle East, and the amount of men he’d lost in the field he could count on one hand. These four men thought they could march through the smoke – which of the hundred of Vinewood action thrillers had they gotten that idea from? – guns in hand and face the might of his small army?! The sheer audacity of them got to him, and his soldiers didn’t see them as a threat. He didn’t know that that was exactly what Rami wanted.

“That all you got?” He yelled out, unknowingly revealing himself to be not much more than a thug.

His arrogance faded quickly, however. He’d been briefed, and knew who these men were – Bellic, Klebitz, Yalon (he’d worked with Yalon a few times, and actually regarded the Israeli as a skilled gunman), Lopez (Luis’s identity had recently been discovered through the acting mayor’s seat of power), and….

“But you’re dead!” He protested as the fifth man appeared, standing shoulder to shoulder with Rami.

“No, my friend.” Kenny Petrovic shouted back – he was a good shouter, Rami remembered. “It is unfortunate that you have confused the living with the dead. I am very much alive.” His hand came to rest on Rami’s shoulder, a sign or solidarity, loyalty and, as only Rami knew (and Niko now suspected), thanks. Harsh words had been shared, and the gun had been pointed at his head, but finally Petrovic – who was no fool – had seen sense.

“You, on the other hand…”

With perfect timing the street erupted in the roaring sound of engines. Almost two dozen bikes appeared from behind the soldiers, who were all looking the wrong way. Each bike was piloted by a member of Johnny’s Motorcycle Club, with one of Petrovic’s men on the back. Their guns fired instantly, killing over ten of the PMC soldiers within the first two seconds. The colonel saw the bikers attacking, but hadn’t forgotten about the five men to the south.

 

As he turned back, the five men became ten as Armando and Henrique, with three of their men materialized through the smoke, bolstering the ranks of his enemy. Despite his years of experience, the colonel was not prepared for such an attack. As simple as it was, the tactic was hugely effective. The Remnants/Petrovic’s men rapidly tore the PMC apart, while the men from the south broke for cover, pursuing goals unknown to the colonel or his ill-fated men.

Karen was a block away, with her boss, and they strolled up to the command post, both with guns out. The few men – hired mercenaries – turned to see nothing more than the flash of the guns.

They moved into the command truck, pulling the dead men in with them. Karen closed the doors behind her as her boss leveled the barrel of his gun to the head of the only survivor – a computer technician.

“Tell me; are you the run-of-the-mill, piss-your-pants-at-the-sight-of-a-gun techie, or the rarer, more gun-friendly kind?”

The technician gulped hard as all color drained from his face. He tried to speak, but no sound came out.

“The pussy type.” Karen said with a nod.

“I don’t like killing non-combatants.” Her boss sighed. “So if you make me kill you, I won’t make it quick.”

“W-w-w-wha-what d-do you-yo-w – ”

Karen held her hand up. “I’ll make it easy for you. You do exactly what we say, and you’ll live to download porn another day.”

“If you type so much as a typo…” His thumb cocked the gun and pushed it against the kid’s – he was only in his early twenties – head.

 

“This makes us even.” Petrovic called out as he and Rami ran for cover.

“Yes.” Rami replied, peeking out and firing off a well placed shot to a soldier’s head. “Try not to die, though.”

“Same goes to you!” Petrovic then darted sideways, making his way to the elevated ground of East Central Station, where his closest, most trusted men waited, having exited the train station on hearing the explosion.

Their eyes met across the battlefield. “Goodbye old friend, and good luck.”

 

“You want a tissue?” Niko shouted, firing also at the PMC soldiers.

“No,” Rami shook his head.

Luis was staying close to Armando and Henrique. He had committed himself to this… war, was that the right word? Either way, he knew that this might be the day he died, and surprisingly, that thought didn’t scare him. He’d witnessed a lot in this f*cked up journey, and found himself fighting for something, much like his father, much like Michael. He knew it wasn’t his fight, that he could walk away and live but even the threat of dying didn’t deter him… he was… crazy, he decided. Still, he stayed close to Armando and Henrique, not to protect them but… what, was he saying goodbye?

Niko had images of Roman in his head, with his young child. Kate’s smile, and the rest of her family, destroyed by him. He remembered – and felt – the rage at her death at Roman’s wedding. He remembered Darko, too, and the hate that consumed him.

This ends today.

 

“You’re good to go.” Niko, Rami, Luis and Johnny all heard at once. They nodded to each other, confirming that Karen’s signal was received by all of them. Then they moved out.

 

The street was bathed in chaos now, and the colonel’s neatly drilled regiment of soldiers were not happy with that. They’d spent the last five years doing routine jobs, rarely firing their guns in anything other than training. The bikers and the Russians, however, were thriving in the hectic battle, shouting as they fired. Some even laughed.

The men from the south were gone, the soldiers noticed, thought they couldn’t do anything about it. The bikers/Russians were laying waste to them.

Minutes passed and more soldiers fell. Some of Petrovic’s men died too, as did some of the bikers, but the battle was largely one sided.

Petrovic, now on higher ground, waved his men into position like a general. Reinforcements would soon arrive, and they had to hold the position. Luckily, he’d ordered some of his men to higher positions with rifles. This battle was his.

 

Click Here to read the next chapter: The Wrath of an Angry God

Edited January 11, 2013 by Mokrie Dela

[AndyGanteks]

Great chapter, and wow just 3 more until it's over.

 

Such a great effort Mokrie.

[Corndawg93]

Indeed it's a good chapter, a pretty damn good at that, here have a

[Mokrie Dela]

Thanks. I wasnt too sure over the quality in the end, I'd been over it a couple of times and you get to a point where any more editing will make it all too manufactured. I hope it was just my cynicism

 

Next chapters a major one, expect it next year!

[Corndawg93]

Thanks. I wasnt too sure over the quality in the end, I'd been over it a couple of times and you get to a point where any more editing will make it all too manufactured. I hope it was just my cynicism

 

Next chapters a major one, expect it next year!

I'd so laugh if it comes out tomorrow

[Kifflom112]

Really like the way to story is going.

Whack-A-Mole was an awesome chapter.

[ACR]

Nice read, i like the name of chapter ''Wrath of an angry God'', you will post this chapter soon yea ?

[Mokrie Dela]

Nice read, i like the name of chapter ''Wrath of an angry God'', you will post this chapter soon yea ?

As soon as i'm happy with it. It's the climax, so it needs to be spot on (as far as possible of course) in my mind.

[Kifflom112]

May I ask, do you actually write for a living, because this just seems so well written.

[Mokrie Dela]

Wow what a fantastic compliment, thanks man.

 

No, I do not write for a living, unfortunately. I'd love to but nah

 

 

[Ubermacht]

I'll admit, I've been lurking in here for a while! Great story, can't wait for the climax.

 

Such a great follow-on to IV's story, you've captured Niko's character brilliantly in my opinion.

[Kifflom112]

Zero Hour and The Depths of Error, are now some of the best chapter in my opinion. So exciting to read. And though late, thanks for post a picture of the places destroyed or damaged so I could get a clear picture in mind.

[Corndawg93]

It's a good thing more people are reading this story

[Mokrie Dela]

It's a good thing more people are reading this story

Indeed. I am delighted that they are.

I hope they also read City Of Lies and that my next projects (which will not be gta related) are also enjoyed by people

[TenEightyOne]

You've probably put on 50 kilos by now... but have another

 

Great stuff, Mokrie. I jumped in to look at the latest chapter and just read the whole thing again for the hell of it - really great stuff

[AndyGanteks]

No, I do not write for a living, unfortunately. I'd love to but nah

You should mate, i can't wait to see the new one you're making!

[Mokrie Dela]

No, I do not write for a living, unfortunately. I'd love to but nah

You should mate, i can't wait to see the new one you're making!

IF it was that easy...

 

 

Maybe one day R* or someone will commission me to write a cannonical fanfiction...

 

 

Also, regarding my new project, it's going to take a while. I am researching the sh*t out of it, making prep, brainstorming etc, but i've got some great ideas on the go,

 

It's looking almost certain that it's going to be an Assassin's Creed fanfic.

 

In the meantime i will keep tweaking the next chapter. It's not quite ready yet

[Corndawg93]

No, I do not write for a living, unfortunately. I'd love to but nah

You should mate, i can't wait to see the new one you're making!

IF it was that easy...

 

 

Maybe one day R* or someone will commission me to write a cannonical fanfiction...

 

 

Also, regarding my new project, it's going to take a while. I am researching the sh*t out of it, making prep, brainstorming etc, but i've got some great ideas on the go,

 

It's looking almost certain that it's going to be an Assassin's Creed fanfic.

 

In the meantime i will keep tweaking the next chapter. It's not quite ready yet

What do you mean by tweaking

[Mokrie Dela]

The bulk of the chapter is written, but i am not yet satisfied with the quality of it. I still need to read it over again, and change a few things up before finishing it off. It's like filming a movie scene - the filming is done, but i have to decide how the editing and special effects will be placed over the top. It's the climax, it has to be right.

[Kifflom112]

I'm now caught up with the story and have to say I like the way it's going.

Edit: I'm anxious to read the new chapter. I usually read this story everyday when I have free time, but now I'm gonna' have to wait, lol. I'm sure it'll be well worth the wait though.

Edited January 9, 2013 by Kifflom112

[Eminence]

So as I said, thought it was about time I dropped by and read some of this! Per your recommendation I've checked out the Zero Hour chapter. Obviously, I'm not linking the narrative in with the rest of the story as a whole, so anything I mention to do with the narrative itself will be solely in terms of what's happening in this chapter. Most of the feedback will just be to do with the writing itself.

 

Overall, I think there's a lot of well written material here, but it's wrapped inside a bit of a clunky shell. There were numerous times when I didn't really know where we were, physically, or what was going on in the physical world of the story (you'll see me mention this a few times in the detailed line-edit below). For me, this means you're not paying enough attention to the story's visual side, in terms of showing us what's physically happening. Don't underestimate the importance of truly setting the scene through visual description.

 

Tied into that, there were times where you were a little vague about things, perhaps out of some notion of building up tension; doing things like saying 'they were there' and not telling us where, specifically, 'there' is... if that makes sense. It's like you leave that little bit of detail out to make it interesting when you finally reveal it... but in practice it just breaks the flow a little.

 

A small error is that you're not punctuating dialogue correctly. Whenever attribution follows the dialogue (that is, the part reading 'he said', for example), then the dialogue should never end on a full stop – it should be a comma. Think of the dialogue and the attribution as one flowing sentence, as opposed to two sentences broken up by the quotation marks.

 

Another thing that I go into more detail about below is the narrative mode: I think you could do with tightening up the viewpoint a little. You're using third-person omnipotent, but barely so; it feels more like third-person limited, with a few perspective shifts thrown in at random intervals. For me, it'd be better to commit one way or another.

 

One last thing, and this for me characterises your writing style a little at this point, is that often I feel like you're writing words for the sake of words, as though you've got a word count in mind and you want to reach it. The description doesn't always feel precise or focused; sometimes you write vague notions that barely mean anything at all, at other times you repeat yourself, or say the same thing in two different ways. A shorter, more concise chapter will always be better than one that takes the long way around. Why say in two words what you could say with one?

 

So, now for the meat of my feedback: I've gone through the chapter in depth to pluck out various things I noticed. Obviously I can't speak for the rest of the work, but if your writing style is consistent throughout, then perhaps you could apply anything I mention here to the other chapters, or to future ones.

 

 

The two men hardly spoke on the plane. Niko kept going over the event in Los Santos in his mind.

He’d turned and seen the face. Recognition was instant. The nameless man, back from the dead, stood there, his hands out in a here-I-am pose. The return of the Messiah. He always had an air of arrogance, and it was still there. I feel this is unnecessary. The previous statement implies that it must be there at present; what's more, I think the sentence packs more of a punch to just say 'He always had an air of arrogance.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Even his words were cocky, almost untimely so. Again, this could be cut out, largely based on the show, don't tell principle. As a rule of thumb, any time you're applying description to the way dialogue is spoken, you're doing your job wrong. The words – their emphasis, their meaning – should speak for themselves. No need to tell us that they're cocky. Just make us feel the arrogance coming through.

Niko was shocked to say the least. This is another thing that's a bit tell over show: 'Niko was shocked'. It's pretty bland, as far as description goes. How was he shocked? Show us. Rami, on the other hand, quickly gathered his composure and a large part of the puzzle clicked into place.

The guns were lowered. I'd avoid this passive construction. 'They lowered their guns' would be much better. But it's ambiguous. Whose guns? Niko and Rami? Someone else? Maybe this would make more sense if I knew the memory to which Niko was referring (I'm guessing it's from a previous chapter) – but then again, if we've already witnessed this event, then why are we replaying it? The strange part of it was that they were allowed to keep hold of them; that concession went a long way to ensuring the peace, albeit it temporary and fragile. This clause doesn't really make sense; the way it's tacked onto the end of the sentence just feels wrong. There are a variety of ways it could be better worded, I feel: you could use a parenthetical, i.e: 'ensuring the (temporary and fragile) peace' , or simply connect it differently: 'ensuring the peace, however temporary and fragile it may be'.

Things finally started to make sense to Niko. The information Karen was getting, the resources she apparently had, all from him. At this point, I feel I need to point out that our placement within the narrative feels a little disjointed. Are we still in Niko's memory? Are we back on the plane? Which part of it is making sense to him? It feels like we need more description of the physical world – make it a little more visual – so that we can comprehend exactly where we are in terms of physical space. Callahan was a good contact for the last couple of years so it wasn’t surprising really was it?

Callahan, Karen, their (still alive) former boss – there was some conspiracy there, but could they be believed? Two questions to the reader in such quick succession feels a little tacky to me. Are you telling the story or asking it? Maybe it's a part of the overarching style. To me, it feels a bit unnecessary.

 

Was she right? Niko asked himself on the plane. Below him he could see parts of Liberty already – that had gone quick! Again, this is completely a stylistic choice – but this just feels a little out of character, if you will. Feels a little colloquial, almost childish. Rami was clearly thinking too Another quintessential telling instead of showing moment. Clearly thinking? What does that look like? Better to give us a physical description that implies this, rather than outright saying it, but neither man could bring themselves to ask the question Now, this is a moment where I could do with knowing a little more about the entire story's narrative style – because it's the first instance of switching voice. What narrative mode are you using? Who is the protagonist? Is it third person limited (i.e. Niko's perspective) or is it omnipotent? Either one is fine, but up until this point it feels to me like we're inside Niko's head, at least for this chapter. It's fine if we're going to just switch between them, but if so, do it consistently – otherwise it just feels a little odd when we're looking at things from Niko's perspective, and then all of a sudden we're privy to information that Niko couldn't possibly have. Michelle had gone all in, with nothing other than a high card. It was a last, desperate gamble but Feels like you could do with splitting these two parts of the sentence up. Make it more like 'It was a last, desperate gamble – but the ace up her sleeve?' That's how it felt it should be read to me; without the punctuation to split 'gamble' and 'but' up, the sentence becomes a bit of a run-on  the ace up her sleeve? Niko shook his head, unable to get to grips with it.

The target – neither Niko nor Rami knew anything about that – was only a guess, but it made sense. Luis Lopez, a name that meant nothing to Rami, and rang only faint bells to Niko, was Johnny’s notional partner in crime. Both men still had doubts though, despite Karen’s eagerness to share the information. Their new boss was, if she was to be believed, a terrorist. But then what was their old boss? He wasn’t a good man, was he? Or was he? What if the scales were tipped in the other direction? What if Karen was on the away team? What if this was just another level of manipulation? So at this point, it's starting to feel like questions to the reader are simply a large part of your style. That's fine – to a degree. Right here it feels a bit like overkill. I've lost count of how many times you've done it.

 

Their instructions were curious; This should be a colon, not a semi-colon carry on as normal. When the time came, the pair would undoubtedly have the task of killing their boss. Perhaps it would be as simple as that. Take him in a briefing… Would they return to the status quo then? Would everything just revert to the original stasis? Could it be that clear-cut?

“We have to know for sure.” This should be a comma. Rami said at long last as the plane began its decent. “We have to decide which camp we want to be in, and I think that decision is best done in private.” Rami’s meaning was clear; they had to pledge their allegiances to their own causes now. Their partnership might be coming to an end.

 

They were to check in once down. They found a payphone and Niko dialed the appropriate number. He let it ring once then hung up. A minute later the phone rang. He answered.

Rami alternately watched Niko and the surroundings, looking out as he was trained to for threats or overly-interested eyes. What are the surroundings, then? There's absolutely no physical description here at all: I have no idea where they are. It doesn't require much, really – just a couple details, something to put an image into my head. An interesting visual or two; a potential example of those 'over-interested eyes'. At the moment it feels like they're just floating on a blank canvas.

Niko hung the phone up then turned to Rami. “We’re straight back on another job.” Niko ignored Rami’s frown and repeated the address and their objectives.

“Hmm.” Rami’s face failed to hide his interest. “Simple as that?”

Niko shrugged. “Seems to be. What is it they say? No rest for the wicked?”

“Indeed, Niko.” Should be a comma again. Rami said as the two men walked toward the train station. “Let’s take some time to get changed and prepped. Let’s Dialogue feels a little stilted at this point. It's literally 'Let's do this, let's do that'. I don't really feel like he would repeat 'Let's' again; there could be a much more interesting, concise way for him to speak. rendezvous at Grand Easton.” Rami was careful to lean in to Niko, whispering the location in his ear in case anyone was listening. I think it'd be better to swap this detail and the dialogue around: the leaning is more important than the spoken words themselves. What's more, by placing it after the dialogue, you almost have to re-read the dialogue with this fresh piece of information: the whisper and the lean. It completely recontextualises everything, changes how you perceive it. Also, you could probably drop the 'in case anyone was listening': show vs tell again. It's redundant; the lean and the whisper already tell us this information. The noise from the train would serve to interfere with any electronic listening too. At this point they didn’t know who their enemy was, and Rami resisted the urge to look at Niko through narrow eyes.

 

Both men took different trains. Niko traveled to Easton, where he caught the first of his cabs. Eventually he alighted from the third cab on Ivy Drive North and moved through the apartment blocks, crossing Galvston Avenue before cutting through the alleyways between Galveston and Frankfort. Finally he entered the alleyway behind his home, using the fire escape to reach the roof – an over-the-top habit he’d formed after the fallout following the breakdown of the Pegorino family had led to some paranoia on Niko’s part (although some of the remaining mobsters really were gunning for him). Only then did he finally relax, confident that he was not followed. At first, I wasn't sure about the intense detail in this paragraph, specifically the street names, but upon reflection I think it's a great touch: it perfectly reflects Niko's sense of paranoia, and the precision he uses as a part of that. That said, the end of the paragraph then feels a little redundant: the mentioning of it being an 'over-the-top habit', the specific reference to his paranoia – it's like you're a little unsure of whether you've got the message across, so you're absolutely hammering it home. To be honest, you could probably just cut it all.

He took a long shower and had a bite to eat, redressing in a zip-up turtle neck top and grey cargo pants. After doing the things he needed, he grabbed a leather jacket and a dark grey baseball cap. He collected his gun too – giving it a clean and a check before leaving. On the way out he paused by the mirror and stared at the man looking back at him. His mind went back two years, to the moment he’d stepped off the Platypus. He replayed the events of that year, right up to his cousin’s wedding and the ensuing rage. Kate, the most innocent person he’d ever met, died because of him. Roman had been endangered several times, despite Niko's intentions to protect him. He stared at his reflection, trying to read his own eyes. They had a steely look in them. Cold. I feel like I've read this description a hundred times before. Staring at himself in the mirror; steely, cold eyes. It's an absolute cliché. There's nothing wrong with the image, but it's dying for something new in the description. As it stands, it's absolutely by-the-numbers.

Niko's hands were still dirty. The blood would never come off.

Michelle! Was she right? Had he pledged his allegiance to the wrong cause as she’d said? Or was it all subjective?

 

Rami’s routine was similar, though with less internal reflection. He took some time to examine the situation as the tactician that he had been for so long. His choices, as always, were born not from impulse or emotion, but through carefully considered strategy and evaluation. This is using an awful lot of words to say very little, I feel. It's just rambling. There's nothing specific here. What choices? Show us. What's more, I think it might be more interesting, character-wise, to show how their routines specifically aren't similar. If they're reacting to the situation in the exact same way, with the exact same paranoia, going through the same motions... well, what's the point in having both of these characters? They're essentially the same person. Always try to play up to the contrasts in people. Make them different.

Both men traveled through their own means to the rendezvous. Niko picked up a car by an apartment block on the north tip of Frankfort, and headed to Castle Gardens. He parked his car and navigated through a couple of alleyways before reaching the subway. If you're going to describe how they got there, I think the first sentence is pointless. It's a waste of words that basically tell us exactly what you tell us afterwards, in more detail. There he caught a trio of cabs to Easton, where he entered the terminal. It was a routine that, while apparently over the top to the unaware, and complicated to newcomers of such craft, had become second nature to Niko. Again, it feels like you're repeating yourself here by detailing Niko's over-the-top routine. It's almost word-for-word what you said a little earlier.

 

The interior of the terminal was spectacular; marble floors and clean walls. I've written this sort of description myself before, and I feel like it's not really enough. It's almost as though it's the first thing that comes to mind, so you put it down and move on. It's the absolute bare minimum. And what's more, it's a pretty cliché use of adjectives (I mean it literally when I say I've written this sort of thing before: I'm pretty sure I've put down 'marble floors and clean walls' to describe something.) What it doesn't do is provide any true specific detail, or, more importantly, create a unique image. What makes this terminal different from all the others? What makes it an interesting location in which to set the scene? Footsteps echoed across the concourse as dozens – perhaps hundreds – of commuters and tourists made their way toward their selected trains. Niko walked through the crowds, allowing himself to become swallowed up by them. Again, this is fairly bland description – but it's not far away from being better. All the parts are there, they're just not being used efficiently. Merge the two clauses together, be more concise: 'The crowds swallowed Niko as he crossed the station'. Be a little more to the point. At the far end of the concourse, having come from the subway, Rami was doing the same. Niko and Rami You could go straight to 'They' here met in a small store, where they purchased a newspaper and magazine respectively. Had Rami or Niko purchased a Novel, it would mean that they were being followed. For a second Niko dreaded seeing Rami with a map – that would mean he was being actively hunted – just another set of covert signals long since established, but important nonetheless. A bit repetitive here again I think. You've just told us this. You don't need to tell us again.

The two men headed to another train – the process got tedious at times, but neither man was foolish enough to forget the importance of it. Much like the backing up one’s computer files, the process was designed for that single, mostly hypothetical instance where it would be necessary (and in such circumstance, it became completely vital). They found their way to a car rental agency, where Rami picked up a nondescript Schafter. Both men put their bags – they both had some gear in rucksacks – on the back seats, and Niko, who’d voluntarily taken the driving duty, began the short drive to the objective. They decided that, after this job, they would be turning their backs on somebody. Despite his ‘professionalism’, Rami hoped that they agreed on their allegiances, though if push came to shove he thought he knew what way Niko would sway.

They didn’t rush in. To where? You're telling us what they're doing when they get there – before they get there. Again, it feels like you need some more physical description. Like the establishing shot in a film: a little bit of exposition to help us find out feet. Instead they watched the building for a short while – waiting for nightfall. Los Santos had made them paranoid, and their operational habits had been stepped up as a result of which Strictly, you should cut the 'of which' here; it's redundant and doesn't really make sense grammatically. But really, I feel you could cut this sentence entirely. How many times do you need to hammer home the notion of them being paranoid?. No one approached the building, but no one avoided it – the latter being a sure sign that something was up.

Neither man noticed the lone figure in the window of the building, looking out over them. The lights were not on, so he observed with total invisibility. The man in the building turned to his partner. So it becomes obvious to me, at this point, that you're using third person omnipotent for the story. That's fine, I guess. But it feels, to me, like a bit of a copout. We're so firmly – if not Niko alone – in Niko and Rami's heads, that to all of a sudden leap out of them towards the opposition... it just feels unnatural. It feels wrong because we're in one perspective, looking up at this building, and then you outright tell us that we don't notice a detail – the man in the window – and my brain just thinks, instinctively: 'well, if we don't notice it, then how are we noticing it?. At the very least, such a dramatic shift in viewpoint should be restricted to different chapters, or segments within chapters, to demarcate the jump. Doing so virtually mid-sentence... well, it just feels off.

“They’re here.”

The second man nodded and turned to face the men passed out on the beds. “We should probably leave then.”

“Indeed. It wouldn’t work well if they see us here.” This is a pretty weird exchange. It doesn't feel natural at all. These guys are obviously precise – obviously a threat – and then they say something like 'we should probably leave then'? It doesn't feel like something they'd say. I'd expect more something along the lines of 'Let's do it', 'Let's go' – anything, I don't know. As it stands it feels so... indecisive.

 

After enough time had passed that the men were sure there was no surveillance in place, a nod was shared and the two men grabbed their bags of gear. Is it your intention to make Niko and Rami feel pretty amateur? Because that's what it does – shifting to the men inside, and then back out to them, so 'sure' of themselves. To be honest it doesn't feel in character, based on their previous paranoia and precision. Inside each man had a suppressed pistol, an Uzi (in case things went south) as well as a set of thermal goggles each The each is unnecessary; you've already established that. They stepped into the dusk but began by walking in the other direction. They reached an alleyway and turned down it, looping behind the building. They slowed down as they approached the back door, moving with greater care. They The previous three sentences have all started with 'they'; feels like you could do with shaking it up a bit reached into their bags and pulled out the goggles. Niko slid his onto his head, immediately feeling their unwelcome and bulky weight. Rami seemed more comfortable with them though. The 'though' here feels like imprecise, colloquial narration; it's how someone would tell a story to their friend, not how a narrator would dictate a narrative. Niko checked his weapons and strapped the Uzi over his back. He gave Rami the nod, and the Israeli set about picking the lock.

They had entered within ten seconds. Niko led the way, moving slowly and keeping his gun up ready. His first footfall caused a rude creak from the floorboards. He froze, then began to move more carefully, putting each foot down with exaggerated care. Neither man thought to head upstairs; it was not their mission. They had one objective and Niko led the way through the building to the basement.

It wasn’t hard to locate it. It was perhaps the most technological object in the lower level. Niko waved Rami in, and the Israeli walked up to the circuit breakers and began tampering with the fusebox. Niko was carefully watching the steps up to the first floor, so he didn’t see what Rami was doing – switching the fuses maybe? This is where being unsure of your narrative mode creates problems. Are we with Rami, or are we with Niko? Because this is the sort of statement that can only really occur if we're 100% from Niko's viewpoint. But the very fact that we occasionally glimpse inside Rami's head renders this detail impossible, because even if Niko doesn't, we should know what Rami's doing, because we have access to his thoughts. He didn’t really care for the intricate details, so long as the desired result was achieved. This feels out of character – because from what we know about Niko from your description, he's all about the details. This sentence just comes off as words for the sake of words, even if they're not accurate.

Once Rami was done with the electrics he sighed with contentment. There we go. Niko turned and asked “All done?”

“Almost.” Comma. Rami said. The building was fairly old and judging from the systems in place down in the basement, not up to date with modern safety regulations, a statement that could easily apply to almost half of the buildings in Liberty City. I don't know whether it's necessary to suddenly broaden the statement to include the city as a whole, given that we're focusing so intently on this one building. That said, I don't know that this statement really tells us anything at all. So it's not 'up to modern safety regulations'? What impact does that have on anything? Rami moved to another device, set a fair distance from the electric system. He carefully loosened and dislodged a pipe, creating a gas leak. Immediately the two men could smell the manufactured smell I'd avoid using the word 'smell' in such quick succession. Switch the second for 'aroma', perhaps? – added to the natural gas to allow leaks to be detected, as the gas that entered so many people’s homes was odorless. Ventilation was poor in the basement, which would aid their goals. The second Rami was sure that the seeds had been placed, he gave Niko the thumbs up and the two left the room. They snuck back out of the rear door and looped round to the car.

 

Once again the man went unnoticed. This time he was standing in a darkened doorway with his partner.

“Looks like they’ve served their purpose." Comma.  The skinnier man said. “A shame. They were good.” The other man merely grunted, a typical response for him. “Well, they’re compromised now. Can’t even tell what side they’re on.” I think you need to split this up a bit. I'm not sure who's speaking anymore, because you shift the focus towards the 'other man'; what's more, it's odd to have three separate lines of dialogue for the same person all in one paragraph, buffered by two distinct sentences. Also, given that these two men are completely mysterious, it's odd to throw in 'a typical response for him' – how can we possibly know that it's typical, when we don't know who he is?

“Too many loose ends.”

“Well loose ends are there to be tied up.”

 

“Well that was easy.” Rami said lightly. Niko nodded.

 

 

“How sure are we?” Johnny asked, staring out of the window, his hands tapping nervously on his knee. Was this what it was all about? Did it all come down to this?

“Think about it bro.” Luis was surprised when Karen had told him of the target, but it made sense. It all had to be leading up to something, and this was it. “Put all the pieces together, and tell me: do you have doubts?”

Johnny didn’t answer.

 

The Broker Bridge was a grand sight. It was iconic. No gridlock today; the traffic moved steadily. Ahead stood the city, Algonquin, in all its glory, the myriad lights, mere pinpricks in a sheet of darkness accompanied by the barely visible outlines of the skyscrapers against an almost-dark sky. The traffic stretched across the bridge, the moon light joining that of street lamps and headlights on the glossy bodywork of the vehicles. Below the river sparkled, a visible echo of the cityscape like a reflection in broken glass. The city was a sight to behold at nighttime, but as was the case, people were used to it. Its glory lost in its daily exhibition. I've got a few things to say here. Firstly, this is some nice description. You'd think that would be good, but! – it almost makes it stick out like a sore thumb amidst the rest of the stripped back, physically sparse style the rest of the chapter has. It's like, you have your normal style, and then all of a sudden you stop for a while to reflect and throw in a bit of purple prose. The net effect of all this is that it breaks the flow. Why now, all of a sudden, are we given all this detail? What purpose is it serving? What it actually says to me is that here you wanted to show off a little. Broadcast your best writing chops, like a guitar solo at the end of a song. But you've always got to stop and ask yourself if it's serving the greater purpose. If not, well, there's a reason they say it's your darlings that have to be murdered.

With that said, onto a couple specifics about the prose itself. Grammatically it makes sense, but when you say 'no gridlock today; the traffic moved steadily', it reads a little oddly because 'today', by its nature, is present tense. As I say, there's no error, but it doesn't read right. Next, you specifically reference the lack of gridlock, but then mention how the 'traffic stretched across the bridge'. These two statements can't really coexist in their present state. It would make more sense to say the traffic flowed across the bridge, for example. Finally, the simile you use is a little inconsistent: 'like a reflection in broken glass'. Similes are all about imparting a feeling, as opposed to a specific detail – and when you think about something reflecting in broken glass, you think of wayward, fragmented images, splaying this way and that. That notion, that feeling, is completely at odds to what you're trying to convey: that of a serene, tranquil reflection dancing on the water's surface. Unfortunately, it has to go.

At first there was no sound, save that from the traffic. Behind some of the buildings on the western side of the water, the sky turned orange. Niko turned, frowning and, along with Rami, saw the fireball. The yellow-orange mottling of flame was joined with darker splotches as it rose against the contrasting sky. The nearby lights that perforated the night-time scene were instantly extinguished and with the rising of the flames came the noise. The rumble, like the belch of a giant. Neither man in the car blinked, their gaze firmly fixed on the horror across the river. They were watching the rising of a monster.

The ball of flame slowly mushroomed, but neither man mistook it for anything nuclear. The rumble, the bang, the bass-laden boom had, at first, silenced the traffic. Sound came back though, like someone turning up the speakers. Rami returned his gaze to the road, seeing the back of a truck coming at him. He stood on the brakes and was immediately overtaken by another car. The latter failed to brake, the driver’s eyes still transfixed on the explosion. His vehicle went right into the back of a minivan, and with it came the chaotic noise of panicked traffic.

Horns blared and people shouted. Sirens came next, sounding from across the river.

 

Luis and Johnny were a lot closer to what would inevitably be called ground zero. They could see the building in the distance, and saw it torn apart from the inside. The explosion was of unprecedented scale – the biggest Liberty City had ever seen. Officials would remark on its size, saying – off cameras, of course – that no bigger explosion could be caused without the use of an atomic device.

Despite the lack of a nuclear bomb, there was still a shockwave, and it was that which would cause the most damage – aside from the building itself. Their car was tossed aside, like a toy discarded by a bored child. The noise came milliseconds later – they were too close to witness the delay between the speed of sound and the speed of light. The roar, like that of a panther, finally broken from captivity, muted everything else. Luis and Johnny watched the world spin and go black. A comment on this explosion: I found myself pretty lost here, and I think it's mainly down to the fact that you're so vague in your physical description. It's not until much later on, when Johnny is on the phone, that you specifically mention that it is the City Hall that has been destroyed; until then, I was reading this entire section of the chapter as though the explosion was the result of Niko and Rami's work, fixing the gas leak. So things didn't really add up for me. I think you need to brush up the description a little; not to spell things out more, but just to demarcate the physical space. Don't be afraid of saying something more specifically, as opposed to just basically saying 'it'.

 

The traffic was slow, and would very soon be brought to a standstill. A police helicopter had lifted off from whatever part of the city served as its base, and now buzzed through the air above them, heading toward the ominous orange glow in the distance. The smoke was thick and black – visible in the night sky thanks to light pollution from the city – and hung over most of Lower Algonquin like a proverbial raincloud This simile is doing the opposite of what I think you would normally expect, so I'm not sure what effect it has. Normally you'd use a simile to sort of blow something out of proportion; to make it feel larger and more impactful than it actually is. So here we literally have this dangerous, thick black smoke... and you've said it's like a raincloud – an everyday occurrence. You've lessened its impact. Liberty City found itself in the middle of a storm. Niko dreaded what the scene would be like on the island.

Finally, and inevitably, traffic came to a halt. Police would be setting up roadblocks and would soon begin the difficult task of sealing off the area. Niko disengaged his seat belt and stepped out of the car, instantly hit by the smell of burning…. something. It was an unpleasant smell, acrid and almost nauseating. Rami joined him a second later and the men merged with the other road users as they, too, stood and watched. The bridge grew quiet, save for the odd shout, but in the distance was the sound of the city weeping.

 

Johnny groaned, moving in his seat.

“You alive?” He asked, trying to work out where the door was. “f*ck it.” He breathed. He could see blurred light, so he kicked at what turned out to be the shattered windshield. He crawled out, his shoulder catching a chunk of the broken glass – held in place by the coating – sending it clattering down. He scrambled over the hood and reached back, seeing the hand of a conscious Luis reaching out.

Luis, with Johnny’s aid, got his feet on the ground and both men looked south.

Luis whispered what sounded to Johnny like a prayer. The biker could no longer speak. He looked around. The street was engulfed in a cloud of smoke, or dust, or both, and every ten foot or so was the wreckage of a car or truck. People groaned and called out, climbing out of destroyed vehicles, or pleading for their loved ones to remain alive. Ahead another explosion – small compared to what had just happened – flashed up from a car. Screams came and joined those in the distance. Alarms blared – again from the distance – and were joined by sirens and helicopter rotors. Where are they? We've cut back and forth to them a few times now, but unless I've missed something, I have no idea where they are supposed to be. First you said that they were 'a lot closer' to ground zero, but that they could see it in the distance; now they're completely engulfed by it, windshield shattered, bodies bruised. I'm a little lost.

The immediate area was destroyed. The roads had been practically torn up, any street lamps or roadside objects had been thrown a hundred or so feet, and most of the windows in the surrounding buildings were shattered. The buildings themselves were charred and both men exchanged a look as they shared the nightmare.

“This is what the end of the world would look like.” Comma. Johnny said.

 

The police had blocked the road off, but the sheer volume of people trying to see had them overwhelmed. Niko and Rami managed to slip by and began making their way toward the explosion’s epicenter.

“This is like a war zone.” Comma. Niko said, his mouth barely moving.

“You’d know.” Comma. Rami said, his neck turning as they saw more and more damage with every meter they walked.

“It’s the noise.” Comma. Niko observed, hearing the screams of injured or dying, the faint crackle of flames and the usual chaotic whining of police cars, fire engines and ambulances. “I can’t…. Roman!”

Rami’s hand came down on Niko’s shoulder. “He doesn’t live in the city, remember.”

Niko nodded, but he’d already dialed.

“Cousin! How’s it going!”

“How’s it going, Roman? Turn on the TV.”

“Okay, but I don’t know what – Holy mother of God!” Even Rami heard that. “No, Mallorie, keep Kate out there. JUST DO IT! It's not a comic-book; I'd keep things in standard capitalisation. You shouldn't really need to put something in all caps to give it added emphasis; all it does in practice is makes it stand out for no reason. Please. Niko are you – are you there?! I can hear – Oh Jesus!”

“I am okay cousin! We were on the bridge when it happened… We… we saw it, Roman. Are you okay?”

“Of course I'm…. I am just shocked Niko. This is…. Was it terrorists?”

“I….” Niko turned to Rami and read the Israeli’s face. “I don’t know, Roman. Please keep yourself safe. Stay inside. I.. I’ll call you back.”

“See?”

Niko ignored Rami and dialed again.

“Niko, hi.”

“Dwayne.” Niko held up a hand to Rami. “Have you heard?”

“Yeah. sh*t’s f*cked up. I thought my refrigerator had gone at first. I can see it. ‘the f*ck is going on?”

“I need a favour, Dwayne. Can you get some of your boys together.” Question mark.

“You in trouble? Sure I can do that.”

“No, not me. I am just paranoid. I want to make sure my cousin is safe.”

“Ok, where’s he live?” Niko gave Dwayne the address. “Alright I’ll take some of my boys up there now.”

“You’re going?”

“’Course, Niko. I aint got no one here to worry about.”

“Thank you Dwayne, I shall not forget this. Please keep them safe. Maybe pick up some supplies – basic food and drink or something – on the way up there.”

“Yeah, I got it Niko.”

“You’re overreacting.” Rami attempted As a rule of thumb, avoid using anything other than said or asked in your dialogue attribution. Something like attempted just doesn't read right. It neither means anything concrete, nor adds anything insightful. 'Said' is the way to go. as Niko redialed.

“Roman, do you remember Dwayne?”

“Yes, cousin.” Roman had given Dwayne a job, and although the burden of Playboy X rested on his mind, the man had managed to begin to get his life back on track.

“He’s on his way to you – just to make sure you’re safe. I’ve given him your number and he’ll call you when he’s there. He’ll say the word: ‘Sanctuary’.”

“Sanctuary?”

“Yes, Roman, it’s a password. If he doesn’t say that when you answer, hang up.”

“Wise move.” Comma. Rami said as Niko hung up. “’Sanctuary’. Nice.” Niko was not going to listen to him about overreacting.

“You not doing the same?”

Rami shook his head. “I have no one in the city.” Niko nodded then pointed south.

This entire exchange feels a little odd in that it's completely dialogue for so long – a technique that hasn't been utilised elsewhere up to this point. It gives the effect of the world around them standing still while they have this conversation, which lessens any sense of urgency that they might feel.

 

Luis and Johnny were staring into Hell. They could see the flames ahead.

“We’ve got to phone Karen.” Comma. Luis said, having taken that long to think of anything. “sh*t, Mami!” He dialed and Johnny stood there watching. A woman’s voice answered and, even over the chaos, it didn’t sound like Karen.

“Yeah, mami. It’s Luis.”

“You’re calling your mother?!” Johnny shook his head and reached for his own phone. “I’ll phone Karen then shall I?”

 

Karen could tell something was wrong immediately. It sounded bad. Johnny was shouting and there was a lot of background noise. She could just about hear Luis in the background, his own voice raised.

“We’re too late!” Johnny said, already walking forward. “It’s… it’s all gone.”

“What’s gone?”

“City Hall. Everything. The entire district. The… The entire block’s a crater.”

Karen blinked and turned to her boss. Her face was pale. He didn’t have to ask. He’d heard.

“It’s all over.” Comma. She whispered, on the brink of tears. She fought back the sob. “We’ve lost.”

 

[Mokrie Dela]

Thanks for the feed back, some good points there and I'm surprised at how many oversights I've made - commas etc

And that comic book capitalisation - I'm surprised at that myself as I usually dislike that!

 

There's a few things that you pointed out that are the result in not knowing too much about the story. Perhaps I should have suggested an earlier chapter but that's beside the point

I see what you mean about the viewpoint. Switching mid sentence or mid scene was something I hadn't noticed but it seems too common. It's a shame, really that I've been shown these so late in the day as there's only two chapters for me to fix. It seems my editing eye has been slacking a lot.

 

I can also see that there are several parts where I have tried something and failed - the bit with the two men in the building for example - the characters are known to the reader from the previous chapters, so the 'typical' reply from one of them, I'd argue, makes sense. However after reading through your line edit (thanks for taking the time to do that), I'm asking why I tried keeping those two men mysterious. Their entire presence seems to undermine the viewpoint - as you pointed out saying niko didn't notice them was a bit weird when I throw it in the readers' faces

 

Also about the explosion section; that was written separate to the chapter, and I can see the difference between the two

For the most part I've been trying to avoid describing everything and having the whole thing read like a list of adjectives. I suppose I've taken that too far

 

A lot of schoolboy errors in there - I missed them in my edit, so thanks for pointing them out.

 

There little in there I can counter or explain away - you might not be able to work out the overall story arcs but the events of this chapter should at least be clear. It seems the view point is the biggest issue...

 

How would you recommend I act - take notes and apply them to future writings or rewrite this chapter and seek more feedback?

 

Ps forgive any typos in this post or anything I've missed - been typing the reply on my phone over dinner which is never a good idea.

 

Thanks for the feedback. Apart from those issues, was it enjoyable?

[Eminence]

 

Thanks for the feedback. Apart from those issues, was it enjoyable?

Certainly! You have to understand, I really, really take like zero interest in fan fiction haha, but it is what it is! There's a certain thing to them - I can understand why people enjoy reading about these characters and worlds that they already know, but from a writer's perspective I just feel like it's a bit of a missed opportunity, you know? Swap the names and the location details and stuff, and you have the bare bones of an original work... that seems so much more appealing to me.

 

That said, if I do sort of strip those details away, I can picture it as its own crime story, and I think it's really intriguing. In this chapter specifically I love the image of them sitting on the bridge and witnessing this explosion, and I enjoyed witnessing the details of how they go about getting around the city with their paranoia - I think that bit I picked out where Niko is going through all the various street names and details he uses when getting into the apartment was really enjoyable, especially once I looked at how it all clicks together to reveal certain things about him. What's more, even from such a short snippet I can see these various levels of complexity being layered in - it does seem like quite a complex string of characters and events: the exact sort of thing you want from a crime saga.

 

One thing I do want to say is that, when reading over the feedback I've given, make sure you take that for what it is: someone really picking it apart to look at where you could improve, and why. Take nothing away from the way the writing is in and of itself - it's good stuff, and you clearly have a handle on how to write and how to build up the story. For me it's just a few tweaks away from feeling really polished.

 

As for how I recommend you act... to be honest, I'd just use those notes to recognise where you might be going wrong, and apply it to any writing you're going to do from here on out. This is certainly just my opinion, but I feel it would be a waste of time to go back through such a large body of work as this (it really is a lot of writing - I can't commend you enough for how prolific you've been with it!) - especially since there's nothing you can really do with it. Again, it comes down to the simple fact that at the end of the day, it's fan fiction... you really can't get away from that fact. If it were something you'd want to polish off and send to a publisher, then for sure it would be worth your while to go back to the start and really try to fix up all the little things. But I'd save yourself the time and effort and just use it to make the next thing you write better.

 

And with that in mind, I'd love to see you write an original series/story/novel. If you do, I'll be there to read it from day one, for sure.

Edited January 9, 2013 by Eminence

[Mokrie Dela]

Well you have my word man that I will. I did have a story about hitmen that i wrote from 1999-2004, but I haven't been able to return to it. It was just a generic story about hitmen. I loved it, still do (the Callahan character mentioned in the above chapter is from that) but as you said, it's your darlings that have to be murdered

 

At the moment though I'm searching for the muse. They thing that makes me sit up and put drop everything and city of lies /justice in flames has been the only thing that's done that.

 

Reading through your post is just like being back at school. But I hugely respected my English teacher and without him there we would not be having this conversation. So thanks again, and ill make sure to start on an original work soon

(I do have a kind of experimental western thing on the go, but that's taken a back seat as the different style of writing I'm trying is quite fatiguing, creatively)

 

Considering you dislike of fanfiction, Im even more appreciative of your feedback and advice. I don't get much of it ill admit, but it's been welcome

[Mokrie Dela]

Eminence's feedback had some very good points. I've considered them in my edit/rewrite, and hope this one's of better quality. Feel free to give any more feedback people !

 

 

Chapter Ten - The Wrath of an Angry God.

 

Karen exited the truck, having done all they needed. She looked at the gun in her hands, as alien as it felt, knowing the seriousness of its purpose. Niko and Rami used these without a single consideration. They were extension of their bodies, or their will. Death didn’t have the same impact on them as it did on her. Yet here she was, conspiring for someone to die, be it by her hand or, ironically, Niko’s or Rami’s.

She hid the gun and turned to make her way for the office block.

“Karen!” She turned, recognizing the voice immediately.

“Michael? What are you doing here? Where’s the mayor?”

“I'm a soldier. My place is here.”

“No, Michael, it’s too dangerous and you’re too important.”

“Maybe, but what are you going to do if you run into trouble?” Karen held up her gun. “Really? You’re comfortable with that?” Karen shook her head. “You need me here. I need to be here. I can’t let people risk their lives anymore while I sit with my thumb up my ass. Besides, I am trained for combat, remember.”

Karen sighed with resignation. He was right, she knew, and she had been out of her depth from the very beginning.

 

 

For Niko and Johnny it was something of a homecoming. They strolled through the lobby – which was surprisingly empty. They ignored the elevators and headed directly for the stairs.

 

Rami screwed the suppressor onto his carbine. It amused him that such a thing existed; the carbine was not a stealthy weapon, and even with the suppressor, it would still make a considerable, albeit mechanical, noise. Kind of like a pair of gloved hands clapping, he thought.

 

The stairwell was also empty. Niko and Rami knew that was a bad sign – all of the security would be focused on the appropriate floors, which made sense. They stayed close to the walls and moved quietly to avoid detection by a lookout that might be watching from above. Their shadows might give them away somewhat, but the lights had been dipped to ambient/emergency levels. Niko knew that this would be a tactical ploy for their former boss. Floodlights would likely be waiting to daze them on arrival, and for that reason, they’d not be wearing their NV Goggles, which suited him fine He never really liked them anyway.

 

 

Karen led Michael into the rear entrance of the building, using her access card which, amazingly, still worked. They, too, had suppressors on their guns, but Karen expected minimal opposition. The entrance they chose was a service one – unlike most military or intelligence facilities, the offices of the United Liberty Paper Company were located in a normal office block. This was a necessity which the nature of the Company demanded. Military forces relied on their might and overt defenses to deter and defeat attackers, but the intelligence community often elected for anonymity; you couldn’t attack what you didn’t know was there.

Thus, with the reliance on anonymity, the building had some inherent vulnerabilities, and the service access was one of them. It led directly to the bowls of the building, which housed the servers and databanks that served a dozen companies.

The downside, however, was the fact that they’d be defended, though only a small force would be in place, and Karen was prepared for that, so she thought.

 

 

There wasn’t many places for them to defend, Rami thought, holding his hand up to halt his team. The offices were located on one single floor, and no matter how many men he had, his former boss was limited in his defensive options. Instead it’d make much more sense to lock the stairwells down. Yet the stairwells were empty.

“What?” Niko whispered.

“It’s too quiet,” Rami replied. “One floor, half a dozen offices. How many men do you think could fit up there? Ten? Fifteen?”

“He’d have more.” It wasn’t just arrogance, Niko told himself. Their former boss had to know that they were good. The jobs they’d done – right up to killing D’Amico and Greenhorn, he had to know about that, surely – had required a high level of skills. “Rami’s right,” Niko said for the benefit of Luis and Johnny. “He’s allowing us straight up.”

“Why?” Luis asked the obvious question.

“A trap?” Johnny suggested.

Rami nodded. “Again, there’s not a whole wealth of tactical positions up there. A corridor and doorways…. Very little cover, lack of defensive angles…”

“And about six floors that we’ve already passed.” Niko said, making the connection that no one else had.

“sh*t.” Rami saw it now. Why place all of your men to head off an attack when you could flank your enemy? It also occurred to him that they’d not heard a single voice or sound coming from the offices. Normally the distant chatter of office workers and machines could be heard, even in the stairwell. No, they’d all be closed.

“How high up you think?” Niko asked, his eyes moving to the door to floor – seven, he saw.

“Depends how many men he has. If they’re good… four/five, maybe six on each floor. I can’t see him having more than thirty men, not that he’d trust to face us anyway. The men on the lower floors would be less skilled. Ten surrounding him, six to ten on the two or three floors below… Twenty to forty men, plus any other grunts.” Rami shook his head. It was all speculation, an educated guess at best, but a guess nonetheless. “We’re going to have to clear each floor.”

“Split?”

Rami nodded, “Take a stairwell each. Even split, or A-team, B-team?”

Two stairwells, Niko said to himself. Two men to clear the floors, one man on each stairwell to make sure no one was sneaking up on them. Or: pairs, move in from the stairwells and clear the floors quicker. Yes, that’ll do.

“Noise makers.” Niko said after a moment. “Or traps. Can we manage that?”

Rami looked around. It’d be hard to hide a tripwire in these stairwells – at least one that a military unit would fall for. Pressure plates would be a good idea, but they didn’t have the time or resources to adequately disguise them. Even better would be motion sensors…

“Shall I get some of the boys to follow us up?” Johnny was on the same page now.

Rami shook his head. “That’d tip our hand. He’ll be expecting us, but we need some amount of surprise. We don’t have any time to waste.” Six floors up. He said to himself. No, there wouldn’t be men situated this low, or else they would have seen some in the lobby. No, their former boss – they never learnt his damn name (though they never learnt that of his predecessor) – would want them to reach the upper floors. “Negligible risk.” He decided. “We’ll scan the floors from here on up. All as one, to the far stairwell, up, then clear that floor. We all clear on that?”

Everyone nodded.

 

 

Karen and Michael moved in a tight two-person formation that Rami and Niko would be proud of. Their guns led the way, with Karen consciously reminding herself to always look with her gun. Michael did the same, though his eyes were occasionally darting left and right. He was more comfortable with the weapon than she was, though he was something of a reluctant hero.

The walls were a dull grey, lit only by service lighting. They moved slowly to keep their footsteps quiet, and a nervous Karen kept checking to ensure her safety was off.

It only took a few minutes to reach the server room, and immediately Karen could hear voices, though it was Michael who waved her to a stop. He patted the air, ordering her to get low, then to remain as he snuck past the door, offering a silent thanks to God that it was solid one, with a head-high window. A fully transparent door would have been a problem.

Karen saw what he was doing and mimicked his actions on her side. They were stacked-up – that was the term for their position – and Michael waved his instructions. He pointed at himself, then the door, acting out the turning of a handle. Then he tapped his index finger on his chest before pointing toward the room, slightly behind him. He then pointed at Karen, and gestured to her side of the door. I go left, you go right, he mouthed as he did so. Karen nodded and adjusted her grip on the gun. She was holding it too tightly, she realized. Her hands were feeling uncomfortable and her palms were sweating. She took a deep breath as Michael mouthed ‘You count.’

 

 

The next floor was clear, as expected. Rami found himself wishing for another two men to hold the stairwells – a pair on each stairwell and himself and Niko to clear each floor. Hell, may as well wish for a platoon of Shin Bet commandos while you’re at it, he thought self-mockingly.

The next floor was also clear, and that process repeated itself until they lost count of which floor they were on.

 

 

Karen held up her hand, slowly folding a digit as she mouthed the appropriate number.

Five… Four… Three… Two… One… GO!

Michael reached out and tried the handle. He felt it open, and he thrust the door open – not overly fast, but he didn’t dawdle. He silently leant into the opening with his gun up. Karen did the same, though her movements and positioning were less confident. Michael fired first, taking down two men before anyone reacted. Gunfire was returned – unsilenced, which immediately hurt Karen’s ears. It wasn’t until someone shot at her that she pulled the trigger. Her first shot missed, as did the second, but the third found its target, albeit in the leg. Her aim wasn’t great, she knew, and her hands weren’t steady either. Michael moved into the room now, and Karen followed, unsure of what else to do. Michael wasn’t as good with the gun as Niko or Rami, but she was damned glad he had turned up.

The men inside – there were three left – took cover behind the towers of server racks. Michael moved quickly, flanking their position, trying to prevent them calling in an alert. Karen kept firing, trying not to hit the servers, unsure if they were going to need them.

Michael rounded a server rack, gun up, and fired a three-shot drill into the next man’s chest and head. He moved on.

Karen lost sight of Michael and decided she, too, should move further in.

Michael took out his next man, who looked up while reloading. He fumbled with the magazine, trying to hurry, but Michael allowed himself to carefully aim at the man’s head. The magazine clattered to the floor as the bullet struck the man’s temple.

Michael saw the gun pointed at him, and began to turn, knowing that he was going to take one. Stay side-on, he told himself, moving only his arms to shoot sideways.

Suddenly the man turned his head. Half a second later he moved his gun.

Karen saw the eyes stare right at her. Then the gun moved. She brought her gun up, forgetting to take cover or even crouch, acting purely on impulse.

Michael saw the gun now aimed at nobody (Karen was hidden behind a server rack) and fired quickly. The bullet struck the man’s collarbone, but it didn’t matter. His second punctured the man’s carotid in an explosion of high-pressured blood. Karen had also fired, hitting the man’s arm and chest. The man’s gun fired too, but the bullet hit nothing other than the concrete floor, the mercenary’s aim caught between two targets. Karen kept firing until the man hit the floor.

“Didn’t like him much then?” Michael asked as everything went quiet, seeing the half-dozen bullet holes on the man’s arm, chest and leg. There was another group of bullet holes in the casing of the server beside him.

Karen didn’t hear the question. A combination of the loud gun reports and the shock of the moment had rendered temporarily deaf. She just stared, her mouth open and her face pale. She dropped her arm, her gun – now empty – pointing lazily to the floor. Michael reached out and touched her shoulder. Her eyes looked up and, on seeing his, the shock began to pass. Michael didn’t know if it was her first kill or not, but it was likely the emotion would hit her once the adrenaline wore off.

 

 

Upstairs, they’d run into trouble. Their former boss had indeed stationed his men to try to flank them, and they’d not expected to see Niko and Rami storm into the room with their guns up.

Niko wasted no time. Anyone from here on up was an enemy. He didn’t bother identifying a gun, or military-styled clothing. He just fired, keeping his bursts short so as to not hamper his aim.

Johnny’s gunfire wasn’t as neat. With each long pull of the trigger, he found himself pulling the gun downwards to fight the recoil.

Luis was simply trying to hit targets. He didn’t care about headshots or anything. He was firing at enemies who had mostly not even drawn their guns yet.

Surprisingly, no one shouted. The private soldiers attempted to take cover and draw their guns, and many failed. Rami was taking expert aim, allowing a two-to-three shot burst to take down each target individually, unlike Johnny, who was hosing down any enemy he could see. For the Israeli it felt like it always did; he thought himself on a shooting range, shooting targets. He moved with skill, and most importantly, experience, the latter bringing with it a coolness that couldn’t be replicated by youthful exuberance. He knew when to take cover, in full or in part, and when to cease firing. By the time the group of eight soldiers was eliminated, he guessed that he’d taken down four of them. Niko probably got three, and Luis and Johnny the others.

They moved quickly, dispersing across the floor, checking each doorway and alcove. Each man held his thumb up, talking into the headsets that they were using.

 

 

The world was always quiet after a gunfight – more so than before. Many people view that fact as a strange occurrence, but it was simple biology. The sound of gunfire is most unfriendly to the ear, especially in enclosed spaces. Michael knew that the ear compensated, thus effectively deafening them. When the noise stopped, all that remained was softened quiet. He was used to it, but Karen was not, and right now she’d feel slightly dizzy – such loud noises offended the inner ear, which was responsible for balance. She’d also be hearing ringing in her ears too – quite loud tinnitus. Michael wondered whether his ears had gotten used to it, and thus hardened themselves against farther abuse, or whether they were so damaged that it didn’t affect him anymore. Either way, they had a job to do, and Karen had to shake her head clear.

Ignoring the pain in her ears, she moved to the computer and began typing commands. Within seconds she’d disabled thee CCTV and alarm systems.

 

 

There was twice as many men beyond the single story climb. Rami and Niko took the lead, moving left and right, shooting with their small bursts. Luis and Johnny took the middle and the defending force was divided. Men fell rapidly at the hands of Niko and Rami’s expertise, with Luis and Johnny playing the role of suppressive fire.

With so many men, Johnny decided he had to move. He nudged Luis and ran down an aisle, shooting wildly at the men ahead of him before diving into a cubical for cover.

It took about half a minute for the cubicle area to be cleared. Johnny had run right into the middle of the enemies’ position, drawing fire and confusing the enemy. Although they’d entered through one door, the four men had split so quickly that the enemy were surrounded and quickly defeated. Niko and Rami checked the few offices that hid behind wooden doors and, on seeing they were clear, waved the other two on.

 

 

“What now?” Michael asked.

Karen shook her head. “That’s our role. Now we wait.”

“Or help,” Michael said, picking up one of the dead men’s submachine guns.

“No, we need to keep you safe.”

“To hell with that. This whole thing has been revolving around me. My brother’s up there now, risking his neck to end it. Once the bad guy’s dead, what then? What’s the point in me being alive if Johnny’s dead? No, I'm going up.”

Karen cursed under her breath as Michael left the room. She looked down at the dead man by her feet, her eyes resting on his submachinegun. “I must be crazy.” She said to herself.

 

 

The next floor had the same layout as their former boss’s. Every door in the hallway was open and immediately the men inside the offices saw them. Frowns were abandoned for guns, but Niko and Rami were already shooting. Quickly the men fell, to the farther confusion of those in the offices that hadn’t seen the arrival.

Luis jumped into a room and began hosing the four men inside with bullets. None of them died, but they were crippled enough for Luis to finish them off with a single round from his silenced carbine to the head.

 

Rami’s carbine was hanging on its shoulder strap as he switched to his pistols – both suppressed, naturally. The hallway and offices were too tightly confined to stay with the bulky weapon, and he was more comfortable with his pistols anyway.

His left hand came up, pointing to his left as he entered the office. His right was pointing straight ahead, and he fired, moving his hands as each bullet hit the heads of his targets. It took five seconds for the six men inside to die – the first two seconds the bullets killed all but one, but another was too close. Rami dropped to the floor as the man’s shotgun was swung like a bat. He rose with his elbow leading high, sticking the man’s face. He then turned and backed into the man, pinning him against the wall as his other elbow swung for the man’s stomach.

The mercenary – whatever he was – didn’t have time to counter or fight back. With the blow to the stomach sufficiently winding the man, Rami turned and jostled into position behind him. His hands came up and instantly snapped his neck.

 

Johnny had taken cover by an office and was now shooting through the doorway. The men inside had nowhere to hide and it didn’t take long for his gunfire to kill them all. He had to reload afterward but they’d brought enough ammunition. He looked up to see Rami run into the next office.

 

Once again, Rami led with his pistols. He shot three of the men in the office, but the forth was too quick and swung a fire extinguisher at him. Rami saw it coming and dodged, but it still hit, knocking him to the floor.

“Pathetic, old man.” The man snarled before swinging the fire extinguisher in an axe-like motion. Rami rolled aside, feeling the vibration as the metal canister hit the floor. He kicked out, sweeping the man’s leg from under him. The mercenary let go of the fire extinguisher, and recovered, avoiding falling on his ass.

Rami was up quickly, just in time to see the punch. He sidestepped past it, grabbing the wrist as he did so and yanking on the arm. The man lost balance and fell into Rami’s thrusting knee. The man gasped, and Rami’s knee struck again. Then a third time. Rami then kicked out at the man’s knee, snapping it with a mightily unpleasant noise. The man buckled, his mouth open. He had no remaining breath to scream, but the pain was clear on his face, which was tightly knotted and flushed. Rami grabbed the man’s head and threw it sideways. The temple struck the corner of the desk, which was left bloody. The man’s head was punctured and was most likely dead. Either way, he was out of the fight.

 

Finally, the men stacked up on what Niko realized was the final climb. The office wasn’t on the top floor, but there wasn’t much they could do about the floors above them. More men might flank them from above, but if they cleared those floors out, there was the risk of their former boss escaping.

 

The hallway wasn’t empty. Four small barriers had been installed – bulletproof, most likely – and two men stood behind each, facing the stairwells. The second that Niko and Rami opened the opposing doors, the floodlights came on. Even though they anticipated the tactic, they still had to blink at the sudden assault on the eyes. The gunfire began instantly and, for a moment, the four-man assaulting team had to take cover and wait for their eyes to partly clear.

 

Luis was with Rami, Niko with Johnny, and each pair had taken a stairwell. Everyone had a strong position and, for a moment, there was a stalemate. It was Niko who threw the grenade, and that caused the mercenaries to look and break for cover. Niko had, however, cooked the grenade long enough to allow the mercenaries no time to react. The grenade exploded, knocking them aside like toy soldiers.

 

On seeing the grenade kill two and injure a third, Niko pounced on the opportunity running through the door and firing a burst toward the first mercenary. He saw the bullets hit, and the man’s recovery end along with his life. He adjusted his aim for the next target.

 

Rami was also moving, having taken the grenade as a signal to move. He dispatched the first two men with no problem. At opposing ends of the hallway, Luis and Johnny opened fire. They took down one man each with their varying degrees of slightly unkempt shooting. The final gunman was taking aim at Niko/Johnny as Rami got right behind him. Niko and Johnny saw the Israeli and held their fire as Rami grabbed the man’s head, pulling it down hard, his knee coming up to bend the spine the wrong way. With a dull, muted, crack the man’s back broke. It wasn’t a guaranteed kill, however, and Rami wondered what the odds of surviving were.

 

Finally, it was time to open the man’s office door.

 

Click Here to read the penultimate chapter and the finale: Redemption

Edited January 31, 2013 by Mokrie Dela

[Kifflom112]

Very thrilling chapter. A nice read.

 

Quite shocked that I'm still the most recent comment to this chapter. This place is pretty vacant.

Edited January 21, 2013 by Kifflom112

[Mokrie Dela]

Yeah. this seems to have spates of activity then nothing for weeks. New chapter's almost ready, but will anyone see it? lol

[Kifflom112]

Yeah. this seems to have spates of activity then nothing for weeks. New chapter's almost ready, but will anyone see it? lol

I sure will.

In fact can't wait.

I wonder where the other regular commenters are?