The Compassion of Weaker Gods.

[Ziggy455]

Saturday night. It’s party night. My night. And I feel good. I feel great actually. Got my tweaked, tailored suit on, strutting down the 45th on boulevard. I’m budging past players, nudging some fine tail. Oh baby you got a nice ass, can I take it for a spin? It’s early, and I’m alone. But who cares, I’m the man. I’m the bug guy in town, and nobody wants to f*ck with the big guy. It’s not my dick that runs things, not my money or my status. Well, I guess my status is a lie. You see, I’m not just a small prick in an overprice suit. You see. I’m THE big guy, the ever-growing, ever-powerful red tailed f*cker from down below. And I’m in town because me and the bigger guy have come to an agreement that following two thousand years of captivation, my conquest of pain is nearing an end and he’s seen fit to let me roll up to the top of the human crust and do as I please. I’m ultimately here for several things; to f*ck, to collect several very –untouchable- souls and to of course, party. Nobody ever gets me right. I’m not looking to end the humans, or f*ck god over. I’m just looking for a good time. And in this little town, respect is big for people like me, the old big guy made sure of that. Was it right you ask? Just like one of the women I’d chosen to f*ck. She knew who I was. Most do, it’s no lie. I make sure they know who I am –R-E-SP-E-C-T- and well, I guess you can ask if it was right that God let me up here. He’s a sucker for feelings you see. He’s a compassionate ass. He believes in forgiveness, absolution and the whole –Forgive me lord for I have sinned mythology. I was banished to hell over two thousand years ago, and was that enough to serve the time Justice was bestowed on me? I wouldn’t say so, but hey, when god gives you lemons you make lemonade…Or f*ck virgins. I forget which. But God’s justice is something which shouldn’t be given out by God. He’s lacking in that department. And so me, the big fella’, the red tailed f*cker is free. Justice should scream over the weakness of kinder gods, and I guess it didn't for me. Because I’m here now, free, and it’s party night. My night. Edited September 6, 2011 by Ziggy455

[HorseHeadinBed]

Is this supposed to be lyrics or a poem or what? If it's lyrics I feel it should be set up like this

 

words words words words

words words words words

words words words words

 

as opposed to the way you have it set up which seems more fitting for a story.

 

Now others could disagree with me on the subject matter but it seems overdone and almost laughable to me. It's makes me think "why do you need to brag about this?". Words like this where original when rappers like Biggie Smalls did it but now it's at the point where I have heard it way too much.

[Danni]

Ignore that dude, Ziggy. He barely had anything logical to say.

 

I must say, I found the premise of this very interesting. I was a bit surprised to discover that this was in fact the Devil himself. Quite neat. The whole dialogue gives me a 'street poetry' vibe, and it feels more like a cool anecdote than a short story, but that's not a complaint! I just really enjoyed this piece, for whatever reason.

 

A few minor issues, however:

• There were a few notable typos and misspellings (you accidentally wrote 'bug man,' instead of 'big man' at one point), such as the inconsistency of capitalizing the word God. Also, any references to God as a pronoun should be capitalized as well.
• It felt like there could of been more actions happening, because really it briefly describes what he's doing, but then goes into a large revealing monologue. Granted, this most definitely works, but if it showed more of his actions and then got to the big reveal, it would have been that much tastier.

But other than those complaints, I thought this was pretty clever and entertaining. Good job, mate.

[Ziggy455]

Ignore that dude, Ziggy. He barely had anything logical to say.

 

I must say, I found the premise of this very interesting. I was a bit surprised to discover that this was in fact the Devil himself. Quite neat. The whole dialogue gives me a 'street poetry' vibe, and it feels more like a cool anecdote than a short story, but that's not a complaint! I just really enjoyed this piece, for whatever reason.

 

A few minor issues, however:

• There were a few notable typos and misspellings (you accidentally wrote 'bug man,' instead of 'big man' at one point), such as the inconsistency of capitalizing the word God. Also, any references to God as a pronoun should be capitalized as well.
• It felt like there could of been more actions happening, because really it briefly describes what he's doing, but then goes into a large revealing monologue. Granted, this most definitely works, but if it showed more of his actions and then got to the big reveal, it would have been that much tastier.

But other than those complaints, I thought this was pretty clever and entertaining. Good job, mate.

Kudos for the feedback, I'll ignore him totally on the fact he was busted.

 

I didn't run it through a word processor like the fool that I am but thank-you for taking the time to read it.

[SIKKS66]

A very artistic piece, you pull no punches when describing the thoughts and motivations of your character. In fact, I think the poor presentation and typos add to the mythos of the man (whether that was meant or not), that what he believes are more important than mere spelling. I even took it as this man is trying to convince himself of these truths because he's not fully sure of what he his himself. Got a bit of an American Psycho thing going on here (the character of Bateman, not the book which I haven't read yet), or at least that's how I'm reading it.

 

Nice work.

[Danni]

Agreed, SIKK. For some reason, the Devil's voice just popped into my head as soon as I read the first sentence. Real raspy, cocksure, daring. Erm, that's what I imagined anyway. Don't really know where I'm going with this, heh.

 

Anyway, this is probably my favorite entry thus far, even still. As SIKK said, it does kind of add to the mythos of it, the spelling errors and whatnot. The whole thing just reeks of bravado; this is pure, glorious street poetry. I just love it the more I read it (yeah, it kind of just grew on me more after reading it several times)