The Father and The Son.

[Shayan Shaffey]

 

The Father and The Son

"I swear I didn't do it, dad!" Said my son as we were talking in a dark and very filthy room. I guess I need to introduce myself, I am judge Marc Stephen, a judge and father who has to go through something no one should go through. My son, Jean Stephen, has been charged with murder and I am the judge for the case.

-"Listen, There is so much evidence going against you. I just can't, I can't..." I said as tears gathered in my eyes, I had a horrible feeling in my stomach.

-"You can't what?" he said. I could tell from the way he was looking at me that he wanted me to put family first.

-"I can't put family first, it's my job and duty to bring justice to the world!" I said.

-Jean looked unto the floor as he began to cry, he took a deep breath and said: "Even if it means executing your own son?"

-"Yes, I'm sorry, but that's the way it is." I said.

The sound of knocks came from the door at the far right side of the room. "Who is it?" I asked. A very dark voice replied:"It's time!"

Me and my son were parted, I got into my official clothing and prepared for the judgement. I had a horrible feeling, I felt like a stone on a rainy day, it's just... just a weird unimagenable scenario. I entered the room, with tears in my eyes. As I entered, I felt a cold breeze which made me dizzy.

I gave the opening speech as usual and the session began. I couldn't listen to the session because I felt so horrible, like my heart was about to burst. I began to doze off, my eyelids became heavy as I went into a weird kind of sleep. I saw images of the memorable moments of my life, and suddenly I arrived at a gate.The gate was so beautifully made with all the valuable metals and minerals I could image.

Everything suddenly went black, and I woke up in a hospital. After several minutes a doctor arrived and told me I had a stroke and that my body was disabled from the waist down. I was devastated.

Yes my friends, choosing between Compassion and justice is too hard for mankind. As I sit here in my wheelchair with the doctors and my family members refusing to tell me what happened to jean (due to them fearing I would go through more dificulties), I wonder: Mankind is weak, and yet we think so highly of ourselves. We are so weak that we cannot choose between Compassion and justice, this battle will torment humans for a long time.

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Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I got better at writing.

Once again, all feedback good or bad would be appreciated. I also hope that it isn't too short, I aimed for quality this time (I hope it turns out well). Also, I hope the way I define compassion is the correct definition. If it was too short or anything, please excuse me for being a newbie idiot, I have a lot to learn from you guys.

Edited September 2, 2011 by shayanshaffey

[Vercetti21]

Interesting take on things, definitely not something I expected. But, I can't help but feel like the theme was a little forced at the end. I would suggest, first off, separating your paragraphs with a blank line.

 

Like this.

 

This can emphasize certain things to the reader and is generally better for organizing your ideas via a forum. In a word processor, you can format it how you like, but if you know when to begin each paragraph then you can get an idea of the story elements that could be fleshed out more. Rule of thumb is that you should begin a new paragraph when exploring a new main idea or when a new character speaks. Short paragraphs sandwiched between long paragraphs can also add a dramatic "umph" to whatever it is you are communicating.

 

 

I had a horrible feeling, I felt like a stone on a rainy day, it's just... just a weird unimagenable scenario.

Pay close attention to the words you use. "Horrible" is a little generic; this is a problem that could easily be fixed with the use of a thesaurus.

 

Also, people enjoy reading something that has a lot of conviction behind it. Here, I can see that you're going for the simile "like a stone on a rainy day", but the comparison doesn't make much sense, and the "just... just a weird, unimaginable scenario" thrown in lets the reader know that you are unsure of this comparison. Similes/metaphors are extremely valuable, if they make sense. So, write with confidence, even if you feel that you are not the best writer. It will come naturally to you if you are in a good writer's mindset. This includes putting yourself into the characters' shoes, really exploring who these people are, how they feel about the current situation, and what background causes them to feel the way they do. These characters feel a little flat.

 

Do continue to practice writing, and I hope you take this criticism as a positive: you have the potential to tell great stories, and you have tons of room for improvement.

Edited September 2, 2011 by Vercetti21

[Tyler]

 

it's just... just a weird unimagenable scenario.

 

I know this is supposed to go with that simile but I can't stress enough that saying something is 'weird' or 'unimaginable' doesn't cut it for description most of the time. What makes it unimaginable? The pain? What makes it weird? The situational irony of being a judge and having your son on trial? Ask yourself that sort of stuff when you're focusing on description in the piece.

 

On an off note, I find it weird that a conflict of interest like a father/son judge/defendant case would happen, so that sort of brought me out of the story. It's just my thought process on it, though. Still fairly enjoyable. Good luck with your continued writing, just be sure to keep practising and you'll do fine.

[NihilistThoughts]

it's just... just a weird unimagenable scenario.

 

I know this is supposed to go with that simile but I can't stress enough that saying something is 'weird' or 'unimaginable' doesn't cut it for description most of the time. What makes it unimaginable? The pain? What makes it weird? The situational irony of being a judge and having your son on trial? Ask yourself that sort of stuff when you're focusing on description in the piece.

 

On an off note, I find it weird that a conflict of interest like a father/son judge/defendant case would happen, so that sort of brought me out of the story. It's just my thought process on it, though. Still fairly enjoyable. Good luck with your continued writing, just be sure to keep practising and you'll do fine.

I somewhat disagree. "it's just... just a weird unimaginable scenario" sounds more like the narrator is sort of talking as opposed to writing it down, which can be nice. I do agree with your point about how it's a conflict of interest.

 

Keep at it Shayan Shaffey

[Shayan Shaffey]

Thanks everyone, I'll be sure to take this criticism on board and use it to continue and improve my writing.