Splinter Cell: The Hunt for Sam Fisher.

[Mokrie Dela]

Just a little something I wrote tonight. Why? I just felt like it.

I'm considering it canon with Double Agent (360/PC/PS3 version) and Conviction, as well as the first two novels (by Raymond Benson) It takes place immediately after Sam kills Carson Moss, having spared the ship in Cozumel and Agent Hanza in Kinshasa, maintaining his cover by killing Lambert

 

This will contain major spoilers for Double Agent!!

 

My name is Sam Fisher. I used to be a hero, now I’m a wanted man. I used to hunt terrorists, now I am one. I used to take orders, now I execute them.

What happened?

It all started in Iceland. A routine mission. Lambert broke the news to me in the Osprey.

Sarah’s dead. A goddamn drunk driver. She was the one thing that humanised me. Without her I took a job no man could do.

And the agency? They asked too much, pushed me too far. They made me pull the trigger on my best friend in a dirty New York basement. That was the day it all changed. I was no longer working for Third Echelon, now I was on my own.

 

The first thing I have to do is to get the hell out of New York. I’m a fugitive now. With Lambert no longer alive, there was no one left on my side. The NSA believes I’ve gone rogue – a risk I knew was possible. I’ve helped a terrorist organisation set up attacks, it doesn’t matter that they were averted, or that I singlehandedly took down the people responsible.

The bombs were defused and it all ended with a bang. Thankfully not a nuclear one.

 

I’d escaped the terrorists’ headquarters by knocking out one of the cops that raided the place and taking his gear. The guy would wake up with a bad headache, and probably get a ass-kicking from his commanding officer, but he’ll live.

At one point I feared the FBI had me cornered but I managed to dive into the river and dodged the ensuing gunfire. I surfaced upriver and stole a car.

 

What the hell do I do now? I can’t exactly go back to Third Echelon. God knows what’d happen if I just walked in. I doubt I’d ever come back out.

I think it’s time to leave the country, or at least keep off the radar. Perhaps I could find some security detail work...

 

“The bomb... Stop it.... Take them all out if you must. Whatever it takes." I hear Lamberts voice in my ear, and see his battered face. It suddenly hits me what I’ve done. I take a deep breath and, as the traffic stops at a red light, move my hand to my mouth.

I should have shot Jamie instead. But... Could I have done?

I curse Third Echelon for putting me in this situation. I try to justify it in my mind; it was Lambert or hundreds of thousands of people. New York City, gone, in a blink of an eye.

And now I’m the bad guy.

 

Something keeps niggling at me though. I keep thinking that Third Echelon sees me as a loose end, the only remaining part of a terrorist organisation that got within minutes of levelling New York City. And yet, at the same time, I keep thinking I’m missing something. Another loose end.

I’ve ditched my OPSAT – I’ve had a problem with people tracking that before – but I mentally tick off all the terrorists involved. I’m sure there’s no one left. Positive.

 

A horn sounds from behind me and I realise that the light’s turned green.

Alejandro Takfir and Massoud Ibn-Yussiff. The last I saw of them was in Africa. If I remember correctly, Takfir was taking one of the devices to Los Angeles, in the same tanker I’d secured in Okhotsk. Massoud’s target was Mexico city.

“My God.” I breathe. Are they still at large? I try to remember whether I’d relayed the targets to Lambert but then.... What if Lambert hadn’t told anyone?

I shake my head. No, he wouldn’t have walked away from that.

I manage to drive out of New York and find a motel in New Jersey. I drive on and ditch the car a quarter of a mile or so away before going to the motel. I can’t exactly go home now, can I?

I hope I’m not recognised but judging by the guy behind the reception I’m not worried. He doesn’t appear to pay attention. Perhaps the FBI haven’t even released my photo.

 

I enter the motel room and bolt the door. I sit on the bed and allow myself to think for a moment. I idly turn the television on to see news coverage of the recent events. Damn that was fast! Then i learn why.

Apparently a tanker destined for Los Angeles was destroyed not long ago. Damn, it seems like someone acted after all. Good.

I decide to catch some shuteye. Today’s been a long day. I set the bed up then go to the bathroom. My dreams involve Lambert, us working at the CIA together, and, for some reason, Douglas Shetland and old Vic.

 

I wake up early – it’s half five. I don’t know what woke me up, but I sense something. It’s still dark but there’s a glimmer of light in the distance.

I gather my things together, what little there is of them, and approach the door. I hesitate. Something doesn’t feel right. Have Third Echelon tracked me down?

sh*t. My implants. Could they be tracking me through them?

I think I may need them removed but I can hardly walk into the local hospital can I? And if Third Echelon are able to trace my through them, they’d get me while I’m under. I daren’t attempt to remove them myself. The original surgery putting them in was bad enough. There’s only one person who I trust to help me out.

I make my way to a pay phone and dial in the number.

 

 

***

 

I have to give him credit; he sent a car for me and, less then two days after evading the authorities in New York, I wake up to see him chuckling.

He’s standing at the end of the bed holding my implants in a latex-gloved hand.

“I thought you’d want to destroy these yourself.”

I take the three items and stare at them. “You think they could be tracking them?” I’m surprised at how harsh my voice sounds. I need a drink.

Vic hands me a glass of water. “Possibly. A car’s ready now for us to leave. The moment they’re destroyed we’re leaving.”

“What about my blood?” I ask.

Vic nods toward the floor. There’s a massive tarpaulin like thing covering the room. It reminds me of decorators. “We have that covered. We’d better get rid of these.”

“How?” I ask.

Vic points at what I assume is an incinerator. I stand and get past the faintness before following Vic toward it. I toss the things inside as a couple of men walk in and begin rolling up the plastic sheets – one even covers the bed (which turns out to be a table). These are stuffed into the incinerator too. Within a minute the room looks spic and span, and empty.

“That’s new.” I say.

Vic nods. “I can’t afford to leave anything behind. The tools are already sterilized, the only evidence that we were here is going in here.” He nods at me and I realise I’m wearing a hospital gown. I hand it to him. Thankfully I’m still dressed in a T-shirt and slacks that I’d bought.

“Where are we?” I ask as the incinerator is ignited.

“At a private facility. It’s actually a simple office converted for this sort of purpose.”

“You operate on felon terrorists a lot then?”

Vic chuckles. “I have contacts who can be discrete.”

“But all this, the tarp or whatever it is. Isn’t it a bit... much?”

“Like I said Sam, I can’t afford to leave a trail. After what you told me, I can’t have any connection to that. That’s pretty heavy stuff. If they are tracking via the implants...” Vic pauses and looks through the viewing window on the incinerator – which looks like an oversized 1950’s oven. “If they were tracking the implants, they’ll be on their way here.”

“So it’s time to leave.” I say.

Vic nods. “Yeah.”

“We taking that thing with us?” I wave at the incinerator.

“No. Once it’s done there’ll be nothing left. It won’t even need to be cleaned out or anything.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah.”

We wait for five minutes until the incinerator’s done. I peer inside to see that there is nothing left. Damn.

“Time to leave, Sam.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Edited June 27, 2011 by Mokrie Dela

[Rhoda]

I haven't played Splinter Cell. I'm going to throw that out there. That means I'm not going to fully understand any of the characters or the driving forces behind their actions.

 

However...

 

Because I'm not familiar, that means I can't possibly ruin it for myself, and while this isn't usually my bag, I deemed it only fair if I read through and tell you what I think.

 

The opening paragraph is sweet and punchy. It could be Jason Statham reading those lines out, as I just thought of the introductions to those kind of films where he parachutes throw a window on fire, wearing a vest and slamming four women at the same time, drinking beer. I know enough about Splinter Cell to know that's the style of things, so it wasn't as if I was going to call you out for it being too basic, because that just isn't how Sam Fisher is.

 

Writing in first person is a tricky mistress. It's sometimes hard to stick to a tense, and while I thought I saw some (only minor) swapping, I'm not going to nitpick.

 

What I wasn't exactly a fan of was the ending. I know there's more to come, so I don't expect a conclusion or anything resolute, but I just felt it finished quite flat, as if we didn't know what was coming next. I know sometimes that's the point, but there weren't any rising incidents or climaxes to build on that could carry us from the first chapter to the second. I understand it's a significant moment, but I felt it was drowned by the lines of dialogue at the end. I'm not saying it's you being lazy, but maybe adding a bit of zing to make me want to come back and see what Fisher intends to do next?

[Mokrie Dela]

I think i was too eager to uplaod this

I have more which is being worked on - i need to go into more detail and add action.

 

FYI the opening paragraph is a quote - i did not come up with it. Therefore I can't take full credit for it. It's from the Double Agent Trailer.

 

I'm also gonna read through it and look for the swapping you mentioend.

 

Thanks for the feedback though

[Mati]

I'm actually quite a splinter cell fan, so it was really a good read. Since it's set directly after DA, will the ending be followed by Conviction?

[Mr White0161]

Awesome read, Always enjoyed Splinter Cell as well

[Mokrie Dela]

I'm actually quite a splinter cell fan, so it was really a good read. Since it's set directly after DA, will the ending be followed by Conviction?

Not directly.

There's a 2 year gap between the two - DA was set in 2008, and Conviction in 2010 i think.

 

FYI The idea of the first person came from the splinter cell books (for more info on them, click the recommended reads link in my sig). I kinda wanted more of them so I thought I'd write my own.

I will also edit the opening soon

As always suggestions and observations are welcome

[Eminence]

Just to start with this: I find it a bit in poor taste to grab quotes from the trailer and incorporate them into the body of your work as your own. Maybe just putting it in front of the rest in quotes or something would allow you to keep it there without causing any problems?

 

But onwards to the writing itself! My main problem with this so far is that it feels to me like you're trying overly hard to align it within the Splinter Cell canon, and as a result this causes two overwhelmingly negative responses: firstly, if you don't know Splinter Cell (like me), you're a little bit lost in this sea of names and organisations, and secondly, you simply get drowned in a sea of exposition. I like the idea of exploring how everything's turned against him - and the line "And now I'm the bad guy" was brilliant for me - but this impact is a little tempered by the fact that, largely, I have no idea what it all means.

 

The problem, for me at least, is that you're not making reference to these names and organisations with a view of expanding upon them later, giving us little snippets of information to tease us about the future of the narrative - but you're simply namedropping them to align us in the Splinter Cell canon and let us know just where we are; what's just happened and what we can expect to come next. Instead of putting us in the characters shoes by showing us the situation he's in, you're just telling us about the ending of the previous game (I assume?) and expecting that, already having knowledge of the story, we'll suddenly develop some sort of understanding and intimacy with the protagonist.

 

As Craig mentioned, there's a little tense switching, mainly earlier on. But more than that, the voice needs a little tweaking. I really love aspects of the voice you're using, and I'd certainly say that first-person works well for this narrative, putting us in the mind of a character on the run. There's nothing wrong with that. And many of your sentences are short, snappy, to the point - it really does a good job of bringing out the character's racing thoughts and works well, I think.

 

However, there's one major aspect that makes it read a little sloppily. Fortunately, it can be easy to fix. Often, pretty much all of your sentences are beginning with 'I' - I did this, I did that - and it's the easiest mistake to make when writing in first person. Three or four sentences in a row starting with 'I' - unless it's done with a specific impact in mind - just ends up reading really awkwardly. The simple fix is to play around with your sentence structures, vary the way you approach them - swap the clauses round, experiment.

 

The second half of this opening is a really interesting scene, I think - but the way you play it out with so much (again, expository) dialogue lessens the impact a little. I'm not sure, either, but I think you may have approached the scene from just the wrong point in time. I'd like to have scene it take place before the operation, not after. Imagine the things that would have been racing through his mind before such an unsafe and harrowing procedure? That would have made for some great description and I think it's a little bit of a missed opportunity. You played the way he came to his senses really well - the opening of this section was great. But by its end, like Craig says, it feels like it's fallen a little flat on its face, and the climax remains "he's on the run" -- but the tension hasn't been amped up. If anything, there's less to worry about now, as the implants have been removed.

 

Overall, I'm seeing potential but there are some things to work on. A few of the easier things, like patching up the first person narration, will go a real long way towards improving the overall flow of things, definiately. But before I go, I have one last thing to say/ask --

 

Why fan fiction? I know you're a fan of Splinter Cell, yes... but! it alienates anyone who isn't (or, conversely, anyone who is but doesn't want to risk spoilers). That's leaving you with a very small niche of people who would actually be actively interested in reading this for the purpose you're intending. I mean, if you're truly enjoying writing it like this, then that's fine - that's a good enough reason to satisfy me! But the story could also translate into something more.

 

There's nothing original about 'a guy on the run'. It's been done in countless films, novels, games. So it's not like Splinter Cell owns the situation the character is in. What I'm saying is, why not just tweak things - make it your own? Make it like Splinter Cell, but different. Invent your own characters, your own situations, that sort of start from this type of position but go your own way. I know you won't be using the same characters as the game specifically, but they're likely archetypes anyway - you could basically change their names and have them as your own.

 

Because if you do this, you'll realise what I was saying earlier - that, without the knowledge of all things Splinter Cell, it really impacts negatively on the writing as a whole. Throw out all your own character names and suddenly all the backstory you expect people to bring to this is gone, and the opening you've crafted has very little impact. So instead, you'll have to give us it all, bit by bit - and because it's your own story, you're allowed to.

 

This story, so far, would have worked much better if you'd have given us a scene, just one scene - maybe the implants bit - and put us in the character's shoes. You can give us a bit of background, tell us what's going through his mind; but don't just rattle off all the backstory without giving us any real emotional connection or identification with the hero.

 

I might sound a bit like I'm repeating myself now, haha... but until the second half of this chapter so far, nothing is actually happening. I don't really know where the protagonist actively is in the present, I don't know what he's doing - all that's happening is he's telling us his life story. Booooring - no matter which angle you approach it from.

 

But then the second half starts up - he's in a pretty harrowing situation. I know where he is, I know what's going on. I'm inside a scene; a moment of action, of storytelling, not of exposition.

 

And the second half was where the whole thing picked up for me. Are we sensing a reason why?

[Mokrie Dela]

thanks for your feedback Eminence. Everything you say makes sense and I see it. As mentioned before I know this needs a bit of work done to it. I'll rework the intro, and try to make it less of a "list" sorta thing. Also I get your point about trying hard to align it to the series. I need to tone that back a bit.

 

I appreciate your advice and I'll take it all to mind when I rework on it. Shall I just update this topic when done, or request a lock and post a new one?

[Rhoda]

It's up to you really, you can keep this one and just draw a line under everything or you can start afresh.

[Mokrie Dela]

It's up to you really, you can keep this one and just draw a line under everything or you can start afresh.

in the interest of sever space and simply easy, I'll edit the current post