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What do you think?


mayday123456

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mayday123456

What to you guys think of the start of my story,

 

 

Chapter 1

It had been days, months, years and all he had was 1 battery and a paper clip that he had found months ago in the yard. He had planned a escape for weeks, finally the day had come.

 

Mike woke up that morning thinking of the escape, First thing he did was to get through the inspection with out losing his battery and paper clip. The guard walked in to Mikes room and a flat, grim face and checked his room. Mike had hide his stuff in his pants, he new the guards would never check down there. He had past the inspection then Mike had exercise for 1 hour. At 12:55 he was sent back to his cell. Mike then got out his battery and paper clip, connected both ends of the paper clip to the battery then put it on the lock, he felt the battery heat up, he quickly took cover behind his bed and waited 5 minutes. Then the battery blow up breaking the lock. Mike sprinted to the door rammed it open and ran for his life. There was a guard the the door leading to the hallway, he head butted the guard in the head knocking the guard out, Mike then took the guards gun and keys and sprinted down the stairs, shot 2 of the guards. Then he got to the Yard he sprinted the the gate unlocked it with keys he stole opened the gate, then sprinted out into the open.......

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I don't really think a lot of it to be honest. It's short and strewn with errors. It left me with quite a few questions. Who is Mike? Who is he escaping from?

 

So, all in all, I don't think it's really a story, more a vignette. And it's not really a good vignette either.

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Maybe post more than a paragraph ? there were a few grammatical errors, however the premise sounded interesting. what you did write lacked description and sounds more like a screenplay .

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Is mikes last name Macgyver? The battery and paper clip on the door is a bit too much. It seems like you had a pretty alright idea, but you rushed it a bit. 3 Lines between him breaking open his door and getting free, needs much more.

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