The perfect Plan

[Nitesh002]

Cover design by Fireguy109

UNRATED69

 

 

 

Chapter 1

It was still early in the morning. The Saunder’s family was still having their breakfast. The family consists of only three members. David Saunders was the head of the family. He worked at the secret agency called the ‘Organization.’ No one knew what it is or where it is located, that is, if anyone even knew it existed. Betty Saunders, the wife of David Saunders, is the writer of the famous and the dominating newspaper firm called ‘The Truth’. The firm has absolutely no competition from anybody yet. Billy Saunders, the one and only child of the Saunders, is a playful child. But the fact that he is playful doesn’t make him a common kid. He has learnt a lot from his parents. Billy is a genius, especially if you consider his skills with his age. But anyways, how can a child of genius parents be dumb? Billy is ten years in age. But he has won as many trophies as any old retired athlete.

 

“Billy, hurry up! You will get late for school,” shouted David.

 

“I am coming dad!” replied Billy.

 

Billy came running towards the car. He entered the car and shut the door. David looked at Billy and gave him a smile. Billy also returned the smile to David. There was a lot going through the mind of Billy right now. David knew that the only way to release Billy of the tension was to give him a smile. Billy was taking part in a quiz competition and today was the finals. He had got through nine rounds already and now was the final round. The car reached the school. Billy opened the door to get out.

 

“Good luck, Billy. I will come to pick you up at three,” said David with a smile.

 

“Okay dad. I will be waiting for you,” replied Billy. He then went inside the school.

 

David went home. He worked with the organization through a laptop given to all the people who worked in the organization. The laptop was special. It can recognize the person be their fingerprint. That’s the only time the computer starts. The laptop contains only a special yet complex software made by the organization. Whenever David wanted to go to the main office of the organization, he first has to ask permission through contacting some of the main people in the organization through the laptop. David found out that Betty had already left for work. He started his laptop. There was a message waiting for him:

 

The chemical we have made works. It can make a person a hundred times stronger than he is currently. It is also believed that the person can become more intelligent that what he is now. We tested this chemical on a rat. We only gave it one drop and returned in the cage. What it started to do next was unbelievable. It started banging at the cage and the cage toppled over from the table. What we believe is that it tried to escape. The fact that the cage toppled over also suggests that the rat is much stronger now. And we gave it one drop only. We need you to come to The Organisation right away.

 

David was shocked. He couldn’t believe that the chemical was working. He quickly wore a black suit and put on black glasses. He sent a message to The Organisation:

 

Get the car ready. I am coming right away.

 

 

.............

Chapter 2 coming soon

Edited June 23, 2011 by Nitesh aka AAAAAAA

[Josh]

An interesting concept, and maybe it will work, but at the moment it just seems like you are using far too many words to convey simple meanings, and you are using perhaps the wrong words in certain situations.

 

"The firm has absolutely no competition from anybody yet. It is the only firm which produces newspapers in the city."

 

This is a case in point, you don't really need two sentences to convey what you are trying to say here, and the story would flow much better if you simply deleted one of the since they both say the same thing in essence.

 

Also, if you don't mind me asking, is English your first language? It just appears to me that you're language is very formal, especially in certain parts of the story like the dialogue between David and Billy. Because if English isn't your first language you could always try using a thesaurus to improve your vocabulary. In fact, I would advocate using one even if you do speak English as a native. The most obvious example would be thesaurus.com.

 

As an aside, would you consider removing all of the full stops to denote the space between chapters? It's stretching my screen.

[Nitesh002]

@Josh

English is my first language after my mother tongue and English is one of the major language spoken in my country.

 

I knew those two sentences you mentioned means the same. But what I was trying to do was making the previous sentence more clearer. But now that you have said I should not use too many words to convey a message, I will try as much as possible to go straight to the point.

 

Also I really don't know the standards of a good story as this is the first story I am writing outside school assignments, so I will also try to improve the standards.

 

About the dialogues being too formal, I really don't know how to make them more informal.

 

I will also improve on my vocabulary.

 

And yes, I have edited those fullstops. Sorry for that.

 

Thanks for reading and the feedbacks.