Djdevin10 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I wrote 2 poems i want to share Strength There once was a boy, who lived his life nicely. But when he was 8, everything changed . He had to fight and survive with the one person who had his back for life-his mother. For the next couple years they were poor and struggling.While they were poor, they gained one thing you cant buy with all the money in the world, Strength. And with that strength, they survived the toughest obstacles. While the strength wasn't physical, it was mental. But without that strength they wouldn't be who they were today. And that boy was me Just a teen People expect me to act mature. People expect me to be responsible. People expect me to clean my room. I'm Just a teen People wonder why i act childish some times People wonder why i sleep in late People wonder why i'm always on the internet I'm Just a Teen People think i drink People think i do drugs People think i'm irresponsible. But like i said, I'm Just a Teen So what you guys think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam998 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 It seems cliche. It has a tone that is hinting at the fact that you have it hard, when you most likely don't have it harder then anyone else. You had the courage to share it, and with something this bad that is truly an accomplishment. So good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Josh Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 It seems cliche. It has a tone that is hinting at the fact that you have it hard, when you most likely don't have it harder then anyone else. You had the courage to share it, and with something this bad that is truly an accomplishment. So good work. Coming from a guy who wrote one of the worst story pieces in the history of this section not so long ago I don't think you have the right to criticise, especially not like that. If you are going to comment please try and support the writer rather than tearing a strip off of them, because being truly honest they just contributed more to this section then you ever did with your childish crap. Source. And as for the poems, I didn't like the structure of the first one. It seems as if you are just letting your thoughts spill out onto the screen as you typed. And while that may be fine as a draft, it takes on the role of a story synopsis rather than an actual poem from what I can see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam998 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) lol at least I admit mine was bad. Retrospectively, I should probably have been more constructive. So, here's my advice- Change a lot. I'm not just being mean but it seems like I have seen the second one in some form time and time again. At least failed humor is better than the same thing redone over and over. Edit: Also if you want to discuss this further I will only do so in PM Edited June 25, 2011 by Sam998 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 To be frank it seems like you just kind of spewed this out. I mean there's no real intelligence behind it, there's not really a theme and it seems really rushed and pointlessly unsatisfactory. I mean anybody could write: I eat pie I like cheese I eat bacon People call me fat. It's a glandular disorder. In the future, try to think about writing before just doing it. And you'll find I DO have the right to tell you this, as I may have some bad sh*t here, but I certainly have some good pieces too. Keep writing. "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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