Deathbed

[Typhus]

May as well not have bothered. Nothing I ever do is good enough. I am a failiure in every single respect. Probably should have been aborted or drowned at birth, at least it would have saved me a life of suffering and feeling like a worthless maggot crawling through a pile of rotting, festering pig guts.

Edited June 29, 2011 by Typhus

[Banks.]

This Is excellent Typhus! a really good read. I mean the first couple sentences set scene perfectly and It's very much true what you say In the last sentence of the first paragraph. Most people just want to leave school and they think there are jobs out there but there Isn't. I also love the second paragraph, It really is brilliant. From there on I could see where this was going.

 

I won't be surprised If you win this month

[Sanjeem]

I Loved it, I don't know whether this was a mistake in the sentence "I hated him when they dragged me along to church as a kid and I hated him now" Not sure whether that was just a typo, I'm in no position to judge people by their spelling, Just tryna help another brother out.

 

It was really good, I probably liked it because of my gran's heart problem at the moment, I keep thinking I should be more helpfull and more concerning, but then I shrug it off, and like you said in your story, Hell looks back on the "What if's" and things like that. Frightening part is that I was thinking about this sort of subject earlier, and reading this was almost like a sign.

[drscot]

EDIT: I love it! I would definitely buy it! you might want to change the 'Said I's to an alternative word to said, but keep the said i's as oppose to the i saids as it ads to the affect.

 

other than that, amazing

Edited June 4, 2011 by drscot

[Eminence]

 

I love it! I would definitely buy it! you might want to change the 'Said I's to I said, or I retorted etc.. use alternative words to said

 

other than that, amazing  

I'm pretty sure he's used that phrasing intentionally. What's more, you actually don't want to avoid using said - it's the best word for the job.

 

Wow Typhus, I think you've blown the rest of us out of the water with the last two themes. I said it in response to your last one and I'll say it again, it may be the first entry but it'd definitely be a worthy winner.

 

Like last month, you've nailed that sort of rising twist that makes you just want to read over the whole thing again with a fresh perspective on it. I think you were a little blunt in forcing the reader into a certain way of thinking at times - directly telling us some stuff that could've been put in with a little more subtlety, for example - but I can see how you've used it to serve your purpose, and that's certainly one of the harder things to nail without making things a little too obvious or forced. But even still, it's another really brilliantly crafted story, I enjoyed it a lot. Keep it up man, it's great stuff.

[drscot]

That wasn't what i ment, i was just saying imo it became a little repetitive, but i do agree with the wording.