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Suicide #6523041


hristobg

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Hi there.

 

I've always thought that this wouldn't happen.

I don't want to spam this awesome place or bother you with my problems.

They are really personal. But I would like to share them. Or at least that,

what have been left. Like on the movies, I want to write some "death-wish"

or just something on a paper that describes why would I make that stupid

decision true. I sound selfish. I know that. Taking my life will hurt many people.

I know it. But lately, so many things happened. Not really very important, but

they actually somehow affected me. Maybe I'm some kind of psycho.

 

As a little kid I knew I'm different. I knew I'm not wanted here. I'm just one

person in a world with more than other 6 billion people. Who will care that

I'm gone? I don't think there will be anybody who cares. Everybody around me

are just selfish dumb-ass*s. Nobody stops and ask you: "Hey, how are you?".

No matter I always ask that the others. I'm just that type of a person. I LOVE.

And that's the bad thing here. I can make sympathy to everyone. Even to my

enemies. Oops, yes! I don't have enemies. Just people with who I can't find

something in common.

 

Well, what's my meaning of life here? That's the question here. And I can't answer it.

Why I am here? Why Me, why not somebody else on my place? Why I'm not living in

Canada or Mexico? I can see all around me there is just pain. Old and middle-aged people,

full with pain. I'm sure they was kids, full with energy. And their life have been ruined.

I don't want to feel that pain. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I hope that There will

be some other and better place. Heaven, maybe? I need something to believe in it.

But there is nothing. My hope is gone. And now the hole is filled with depression.

 

I want to tell you one really private story. Well, it will be no longer private.

Someone of you will laugh of loud (lol). Whatever. Nevermind. I should stop effecting

from what other people's think. I'm weak. You probably already understood it.

Well, as a little child I was in visit with my grand-parents. Don't imagine actually grand-parents,

imagine two lonely humans, filled with angry and .. loneliness. My mother worked in Spain, that's

why I was with my grand-parents. My grand-mother had a problem with drinking. And she disliked me,

because (wow, here is such a mess with relationships) I'm a son from the second husband of my mother.

And I don't know why, then just a little six-years old kid, I've been hated. And that hate was huge. My

grand-mother started to beat me, yelling at me and mobbing me. I was so scared from her. When my mother

calls to check me and my grand-parents, my grand-mother kept asking about money. I was her excuse. She

said that I'm a "bad boy" and I need money. Actually, I really needed from money. But the money have been

used for alcohol. I barely could talk to my mom. When I reached to the earphone, I said one innocent "hi" to my

mom and then with full, rude strength the earphone have been pulled out of my hands from my grand-mother. I can't

even describe it. You can't imagine that what stress this brought to me. I forgot to mention that my sister was

with me in that visit. Poor she, she go to school, then coming back to my grand-parents house, then arranges

all my clothes back to the closet, because my crazy grandma always demolished them. After that, work and work.

That family is a shame to the whole street and whole neighbors. Even if I walk now on the streets, I can hear

people whispering "Poor boy..". I should thanks to my sister a lot. She always standed-by me. She always found

a way to make me laugh, even if I could hear in the other room that there the bottles are breaking and my grand-ma

screaming like a crazy person. The culmination was when my grand-ma tried to kill me. It was a normal (or not so much,

okay.. usual) night as others. I was in the couch (that was my place to sleep) and watched TV. Just a little bit after my

eyes started closing, I felt one big pillow to cover my face. And really strong arms. I couldn't breath. I started to suffocate.

And tossing with hands to make my grandma stop. But she didn't. She wasn't on her own mind. Then, in the right moment,

my grandpa and my sister "jumped out" of the bed in the next corner of the room and there was such a action. ;D. I remember

my grandpa hit my grandma and she fell on the floor. My sister came to me and asked me does I'm alright. Actually, I didn't

realised what happened. My grandma standed up of the floor, then looked my so evil, like I was.. I don't know. I can't explain.

And then she walked out of the door. On the very next week my mother came back from Spain and actually saved me.

 

Now I'm telling that to friend and make a laugh of that story. It was funny before. Now somehow it affects me. I don't know why.

I started to feel that my grandma was right. She should have kill me. I don't deserve to be here. Maybe that was a sign that I

shouldn't be living in this world. I have so much to write, so many stories that now affect me and "hit me all in one", i.e. I started

to think about all these bad memories and they slowly, but surely, are ruining my mind.

 

I don't want comments. No need to write. Just I wanted to feel calm for a second and to relax my mind. Now I did it. And maybe I shouldn't

post this topic. Sorry for taking your time. And also, I know, my english is not very good. Everything above is written by emotions.. well..

 

And I don't know for someone which cries on it's birthday and feel sorry to be born. sad.gif

Edited by hristobg
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Narcis_speed6

You're still young, you didn't got to see what good parts life has to offer, problems are meant

to slow us down, and we are designed to pass them, but you are about to make the mistake of your life,

when you will grow up and look back at these days, you will laugh and hope that your child would not go through this,

Now just log out for some minutes, take a breath of air, and let the good times roll.

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vertical limit

Have sex everyday until your satisfied.

 

Do you everything you have dreamed of doing.

Skydiving

Bungee jumping

And all that sh*t.

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I'm going to have to start threatening to kill myself to fit in around here.

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