Mr. Fix it

[The Unvirginiser]

 

Mr. Fix It

 

“Before we begin, I need to explain a few details of the service that I offer. I am an independent businessman, and just like any business deal I will not stop until I have upheld my end of the bargain. I expect my payment where I ask for it to be, on time and in full - I give no second chances. I can assure both of you that any action I take will be well thought out and professional, no matter how drastic it may seem at the time. I am very thorough, I leave no loose ends, I do my part to ensure that we can all sleep soundly without fear of reprisals. I take no business from fools, and I can see that you aren’t since you contacted me through the right channels. If I contact you to give instructions, you do what I say, when I say it, first time. If I tell you to be somewhere, you drop whatever it is you are doing and you go there immediately. Once the transaction is complete, you never hear from me again. I do not want a thank you, I do not want flowers. If you see me in public you do not smile to me, you do not say ‘Hello’. Once we are finished then you forget what happened between us and you try your best to move on with your life. You both stay out of trouble from the law. You don’t speed, you don’t play music too loud at night and you don’t spit on the pavement. If either of you have any trouble with the Police, then I cannot guarantee your safety. This may seem extremely extreme but in my profession certain precautions must be taken. If anybody asks, you deny all knowledge of my existence, you’ve never seen me, you don’t know me and we’ve certainly never met today. Do you agree to everything that I’ve said.”

 

Mr Sinclair nervously answered the man, “Yes, we understand. We agree.”

“Good, now please, tell me what happened to your daughter.”

Mrs Sincalir took a deep breath, and then began to explain to the stranger, "She went to University in September, up in Manchester. A few months in she began asking for money. She told me that it was for stuff she’d had stolen. It carried on for weeks, and I began to suspect that she was using drugs. She seemed edgy, shaking and sniffing during dinner. When she brought home her washing I could smell it on her clothes, it was disgusting. I searched her room during the holidays and found a bag of power. She told me that it was some legal high that everybody was doing. After the argument we didn’t hear from her for months. Her tutors phoned me and told me that she was failing and spent more time with lads than she did studying.”

“And one of them is who led her there?”

“Yes, her friends told me when they began to worry. She was addicted to methadone, sniffing it every night and spending a fortune.”

“Some scum bag had her depending on him, providing it to her if she did things for him.” Mr. Sinclair comforted his wife as her lip began to quiver.

“One night he took her to a party, “ She wipes a tear from her eye “she said it was full of asian and black men. She was the only girl there, they had her sniffing drugs all night. She told me that they began to kiss her and touch her. I can’t imagine how scared she must have begun to feel. She said that she guessed that there were around fifteen men there. They all raped her, every single one. She was abused and beaten, then forced to carry on for hours. When they finally let her leave she went to hospital. They called me and asked me to come up and see her. She broke down and told us everything. After about a week they let her out, the next morning she’d taken an overdose with anti-depressants.” she began to shake as the tears poured down her face. Her blue eyes turned red and her nose began to run.” Mr Sinclair held her tight.

“The police began an investigation once the hospital told them. They arrested a suspect, Gary Doddington. But after questioning and with their witness dead they couldn’t charge him. He didn’t rape her, he organised it and profit from it.”

“The investigation is closed?”

“Yes.”

The stranger rose from the chair and offered his hand to Mr. Sinclair, "I can guarentee that I will do everything I can."

Edited May 20, 2011 by Craig

[Eminence]

I think this is a really interesting concept and I can see it taking a kind of cliche idea and really reinventing it; I can imagine him settling the score not only with the main guy but with the entire crowd of fifteen, and that's leaving my head swirling with some awesome possibilities. It's a nice setup... I like it.

 

If I'm honest, though, I'm just not feeling how it's been presented. I think the guy's opening statement was cool, but a little drawn out, and by the end it felt cliche itself. You've obviously gone for a pretty much full-on dialogue route, and I can see how that would work, but still a little more description wouldn't go amiss.

 

The main thing that's striking me, though, is that it all seems a little too perfectly worded, exposition wise. It's like you're getting the characters to say these things so that we, the reader, understand the background to the story and what's going on and everything, and it feels a little forced. I mean, the situation the girl's parents find themselves in is truly horrifying and traumatic - yet they're walking the guy through all the grisly details of what happened without flinching. It just doesn't add up; I don't believe for one second that the girl's mother would speak like this. It's only a few sentences - small in the long run - but they left a bit of an effect on me.

 

That said, I do love the concept, and I'm looking forward to more. And it's good because the parents won't be an issue from now on - so I just want to see how the whole thing unfolds, and hopefully glimpse some more unique details to the classic 'fixer' character.

[Rhoda]

Talk about a comeback.

 

It's a nice introduction, and I can smell all kinds of sh*t going down from now on. Not much to say at this point, other than I can relate being a Manchester man myself. I'll be watching this. I'm hoping for grit to explode.

 

EDIT: By the way, the first chapter said "Mr. Fox It" so I fixed it for you. Let me know if it was meant to say "fox" and I'll edit it back.

Edited May 20, 2011 by Craig