Typhus Posted May 8, 2011 Share Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) What does this mean? What does any of it really f*cking mean? You have no f*cking idea how worthless I feel right now. I have no future whatsoever. Edited June 29, 2011 by Typhus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted May 8, 2011 Share Posted May 8, 2011 I was wondering where it was going halfway through, thinking of whether it would just be some sort of exploration of madness or come up to some sinister twist - and then I genuinely smiled when the ending crept round. I really, really enjoyed that. I think the narration gets a little bogged down at times, but in the end the setup really paid off well. This is a brilliant way to finally kick off the theme, and though it's early yet it'd be a worthy winner too. Well done mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Francine Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Hi there, I wanted to let you know how much I loved your story! I loved the character of the old man and his growing obsession with the mouse who saved their lives. I read avidly and enjoy being taken away from my own world into anther's temporarily. I didn't know how your story was going to end, which is always a bonus! Hope you write more and I have the opportunity to read them. Thanks x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Zilcho Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Really enjoyable, as 'elanman's mum' already said I honestly have to say this reminds me of childhood fables - a really nice, almost simple story. Loved it. U R B A N I T A S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abel. Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 It's a testament to your written ability that my mum was willing to make an account just to give feedback to your piece (and probably to vote for you in SSOTM). I really enjoyed the story. You brilliantly captured the somber-yet almost reassuring-tedium of middle class life whilst crafting a short, but fully fleshed out, story with a pleasing end. I'm not finding it easy to criticise the piece as your writing ability's solid. The only real comment I have is your (albeit debatable) overuse of commas; here's an example: "It was perfect, I could watch his demise and Match of The Day at the same time." This could be written as: It was perfect-I could watch his demise and Match of The Day at the same time. I just think a hyphen is more appropriate here as your not actually dividing two clauses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 It was perfect-I could watch his demise and Match of The Day at the same time. I just think a hyphen is more appropriate here as your not actually dividing two clauses. Hypenating is totally wrong - what you're looking for is the em dash. It's longer—visibly so if you're using no spaces. Or--you could use two hyphens to indicate it. A lot of the time you'll just put spaces, like the first example. But if you just hyphenate it looks like you're trying to join "perfect" and "I" into one word, if you get me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhoda Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 Didn't Typhus say he wanted to write children's books? Either way, this is a strong enough candidate to fit that pipe dream, it's just very simple and easy to get your head around. You think "conspiracy" and immediately maps begin forming in your head, arrows going one way and dirty scribbles going another. Layers and layers of murder, seedy business and espionage. There's none of that here, and yet yours seems to hold more depth than a half-arsed assassination attempt. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abel. Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) It was perfect-I could watch his demise and Match of The Day at the same time. I just think a hyphen is more appropriate here as your not actually dividing two clauses. Hypenating is totally wrong - what you're looking for is the em dash. It's longer—visibly so if you're using no spaces. Or--you could use two hyphens to indicate it. A lot of the time you'll just put spaces, like the first example. But if you just hyphenate it looks like you're trying to join "perfect" and "I" into one word, if you get me. I definitely get you--thanks for clarifying it. Sorry about my mistake, punctuation's my worst area of grammar (it's also the only of area German grammar in which I'm more consistent than English due to the simplicity of German punctuation, or lack of it ). I was trying to go for the effect you mentioned but wrongly executed it, again, thanks for clearing it up. Edited May 11, 2011 by elanman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokrie Dela Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 haven't had a chance to read many of the entries this month, but I enjoyed this one. Worth the win, i say. Well done man The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. Click here to view my Poetry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Banks. Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Congratulations Typhus You deserved to win Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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