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A jumped up pantry boy


The Unvirginiser

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The Unvirginiser

 

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Du du du du da du da du de da da du du . . . BA DA DA DA

 

He was begging me for his life, he was begging ME! I should begging him, asking him to take back all those years... the years of bullsh*t before I was even born; 1983. Take it back Jim, take it all back. You planted the seed, you planted it Jim and now we’re all covered in canopy jungle, surrounded by disease, guerillas, the wildlife... but it’s gruesome that someone so handsome should care.

 

‘This is a Hungarian Crossbow, it killed a King and changed the History of Europe... you mess up my apartment... and I’ll stick it up your ass!’ - Excellent f*cking quote, great film. Pure inspiration, I got on the internet and ordered myself a lovely black one. Telescopic sight, not that I need it at this distance. Then again, I might want it right in the voicebox... nice one Jim, all those words... THOSE WORDS. how ironic, the very box that produced them now has a f*ckING BOLT in it. Touche!

 

I tell Jim that I’m not being selective, I don’t blame him entirely for the culture. It’s not just his fault. I’ll be up to Manchester to pay Ian C and Ian B a visit too, don’t you worry about that one son. Top Man got it too... pecky boom - whoooooshhhhhhh BOOOOM!!! I watched them f*cking burn and asked them how flammable the low cut vests were, if I could return frameless glasses for being burnt. The entire culture man, the entire idea... wait, is there an idea? What’s the f*cking idea, who started it?! I know, he’s on the knees in front of me, screaming for his life, begging me, it’s not his fault he says.

 

Whichever c*nt ran with the idea, why Jimmy M? The bad hair, the queer tops, it’s f*cking bollocks. Why not Frankie S, Dean C? Elvy P, not Elvy C! Elvey Presser’s clothes would sell, they’d be sh*t hot. But no, sad, depressed druggy Jimmy M here is instead inspiring young twats everywhere to dress like c*nts and act worse. It’s your fault Jim-boy, you’re the plague, you’re the pandemic and I am the antidote. I am the carpet bomb which flattens the quarantine, I am the needle saved for the diabetic and the asthmatic, I am the end.

 

Make you’re next words poetic because they will be your last! He’s on the floor, tears welling down his old peppered face. He’s bollocksed, he’s knackered, he’s nothing!

 

Steel > Flesh

 

I scope him out and pull, then laugh like the manic c*nt I am - covered in blood, with Jimmy bleeding to death, breathing his last breaths like a punctured bicycle... on a hill side. I explain why he’s a c*nt, but he’s in shock - can’t hear sh*t. f*cking get in! One down! Cut off the head of the snake and the body will die... easy Jimmy, no hard feelings.

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Lethal Nizzle

Very interesting and crazily written. As a fan of The Smiths, I instantly took a liking to the title and the references to Manchester. So was this a "stream-of-consciousness" piece Will, or did you plan it out?

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The Unvirginiser
Very interesting and crazily written. As a fan of The Smiths, I instantly took a liking to the title and the references to Manchester. So was this a "stream-of-consciousness" piece Will, or did you plan it out?

Well, to be honest I've had this idea floating around for a while. A nutcase murders Morrisey for inspiring the Topman culture, this was the only way I could make it interesting and was a different way of writing for me which I wanted to try.

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