The American Dream PT I

[Mr. Scratch]

The story is based on the IV story with a few modifications,excuse the not so good writing it's mah first time

 

 

 

 

The American Dream

 

 

 

6.OCT.2010

Liberty City

Alquinquin,Bank Of Liberty

 

 

A black Huntley is parking in front of the Bank Of Liberty Alquinquin branch.

Four men get out,all of them dressed in smart suits,wearing balaclavas and

armed with M4 carbine rifles,pump action shotguns and 9mm pistols.

They enter the bank,inside they immediately shoot a few rounds in the bank's

ceiling.They tell the customers to lay on the ground,then proceed to threaten

the security guard to open the door leading to the safe.As one of the robbers

is placing explosives on the safe,the other three men watch the hostages,one

of the hostages shoots one of the robbers in the chest with a concealed gun,

causing his partners to gun down the attacking hostage just as the explosives

blow the vault door to pieces.Then they go and take the money,but just as they

got outside the bank they were shot down by a Noose team,however one of them

that had only minor injuries manged to get in the Huntley,rushing down the Alquinquin

Bridge he was stopped by a Noose blockade.The robber was arrested and put in the

back of a Noose truck,there they took off his mask...the robber was Niko Bellic.a 32

year old yugoslavian who came to Liberty City two years ago in pursuit of the "American

Dream",just like any other fresh of the boat immigrant that arrived in East Hook each day.

However Niko was different,he had a very troubled past,he used to be a soldier fighting in

The Balkan Wars in 1998.During his time as a soldier Niko witnessed and committed numerous

atrocities ,he "killed people,smuggled people,sold people" but perhaps here things would be

different,perhaps here he will find the strength to forget his past and reunite with his cousin

Roman who left 10 years ago to try and make it big in Liberty City.But that wasn't the only

reason Niko came to Liberty City,during a mission behind enemy lines his unit of fifteen men

all friends from his village fell into an ambush,all of them were killed except three:Niko Bellic,

Florian Cravic and Darko Brevic.For 10 years he has been searching for the other two knowing

that one them namely Florian was in Liberty City ,but Florian wasn't the one who sold them,why

because he was now a gay lifestyle coach assuming the name Bernie Crane and dating deputy

mayor Bryce Dawkins.

 

 

 

10.NOV.2010 06:00

Liberty City

LCPD Station in Northwood,Alquinquin

 

 

Niko was in his cell awaiting his transfer to the Alderney State Penientiary,Alderney was a separate

state from Liberty City.The citizens of L.C. despise Alderney and it's inhabitants,calling them "bridge

and tunnel" due to the fact that they traveled to L.C. via the Hickey Bridge and Booth Tunnel that

connects L.C. to Alderney.A guard approaches Niko's cell and opens it telling him:

-Rise and shine Bellic,today is your lucky day cuz youve got yourself a ticket to Alderney Penientiary.

-Lucky me ,said Niko.Too bad you wont be coming along,we could have had fun .

-Funny guy,we'll see how 10 years behind bars is going to fit you sense of humor,get dressed and wait

inside your cell.

 

 

06:40

 

Niko is on his way to the penientiary in a LCPD truck going thru the Booth Tunnel,all goes well the truck

being nearly out of the tunnel but as they are almost out they see a large Phantom truck blocking the exit.

A LCPD officer goes to tell the owner of the truck to move it out of the way,but as he gets to the drivers

door a latin gang member wielding a AK-47 pop up and shoots the cop dead.A massive firefight ensues between

the LCPD and the gang members , most of the cops are killed but so are some of the gang members.Two of them

open the back doors of the truck containing Niko and two other prisoners,they take an older hispanic man and

leave the doors of the truck open.Niko and his fellow prisoner get out and take the keys to the handcuffs from a

cops body,after they unlock the handcuffs the prisoner introduces himself as Packie McReary, a Irisih gangster that

killed 11 men to revenge the death of his older brother Gerald.After that Niko and Packie part way,the first thing Niko

tought about now is to skip town but he had to change his uniform,so he broke in a nearby Modo clothing store and

took a black jacket with a hoody,a pair of stonewashed jeans and some sneakers,he also took all the money he could

find in the cash register 1200$ just enough to get a ticket out of Liberty City.Walking outside of the store he saw an old

rusty Vigero ,approaching it he picked the lock ,got in and hotwired it then gone he was to Francis International Airport.

If he was leaving Liberty City he should have picked a nicer city,a flashback went thru his mind from two days before the

botched bank robbery,he found out that Darko Brevic was living in Vice City so he decided to go there.After he bought

the ticket he put on his hoody as a few cops were around the terminal,he got in the plane which took off .Knowing that

Vice City was 6 hours away he decided to take a nap ,he dreamt of what would happen when he will find Darko and avenge

his fallen comrades,he heard a voice telling him that the plane is about to land .Looking outside the window Niko saw a huge

tropical city ,clear blue water unlike Liberty City's dark polluted one's,flamingo's and other exotic birds .This was Vice City

a bustling metropolis in the heart of Miami.

Edited November 30, 2010 by VF94

[TheBlackProject]

Not too bad, strange how he hotwired a car so quick out of the blue and just drove to the airport.

[Ziggy455]

Your Format of this story is a little off, purely for the fact your starting a new line with dialogue yet you're not using quotation marks.

 

A guard approaches Niko's cell and opens it telling him:

 

"Rise and shine Bellic, today is your lucky day cause you've got yourself a ticket to Alderney Penientiary."

 

"Lucky me," said Niko."Too bad you wont be coming along, we could have had fun."

 

"Funny guy, we'll see how ten years behind bars is going to fit you sense of humor, get dressed and wait inside your cell."

 

I replaced the hyphens with quotation marks and proper punctuation which I've highlighted in bold for you. This work is coated like this, not to say that this is not a good piece of work, it definetly has potential but please proofread, I have the feeling you've written it straight from head to paper.

 

Remember to put a space after a comma and not capital letters (Unless it's I). Space each dialogue with one sentence spaces. And try to split up sentences with actions, like so:

 

"Funny guy, we'll see how ten years behind bars is going to fit you sense of humor," the man chuckled to himself. "get dressed and wait inside your cell."

 

See how splicing dialogue with a lil' bit of action can make things flow better.

Edited December 21, 2010 by Ziggy455