Sweet relief. I feel fantastic

[Wordsworth]

I went to a sushi bar today. I proceeded to drink six or seven Ichibans and eat, oh, maybe four full plates of sushi-- and two orders of tempura shrimp heads.

 

I got home with a bit of a stomach ache. Not queasy, per se-- just uncomfortable.

 

I laid down on my couch and changed into some loose shorts. Tucked in for a couple of my shows. Still, I could feel my gut tightening so I curled into the fetal position and prayed for it to pass.

 

The tightening turned into nausea and I shifted my weight off my side slightly. Doing this dislodged the gale-force fart I was hiding behind my duodenum.

 

I farted for ninety-eight seconds. The fart was so long, it changed physical properties mid-fart. It started as a simple pppeeEEEEEEWWWT then ramped up to a robust BRRRRRAAAAAAAMP and finally increased to one of those farts that flaps your asscheeks together so hard, it almost sounds like impossibly fast clapping.

 

It was so long, if you stuck a flugelhorn up to my anus, it would have played the entirety of Chuck Mangione's smooth jazz classic "Feels So Good" note-for-note.

 

This fart could have stripped the varnish off a foot locker.

 

This fart permed my leg hair.

 

But here's the strangest part-- now I feel f*cking amazing! I could go outside right now and f*cking bench press a Hyundai Sonata. Seriously, I don't even need to go to sleep anymore-- this fart was like a B12 shot.

 

It was the elusive Seize the Day Fart. Farpe diem!

Edited November 24, 2010 by Wordsworth

[TheSiggi]

Maybe you should tell that to your stalking bitch...I bet she will just disappear out of yout life

Just wanna add that I actually had difficulties to breath due to massive laugh attacks while reading this...

 

thankx for making my day even better

cheers

[UNRATED69]

...the f*ck?

 

Actually, I've had that happen before. (Not the flugelhorn part, the feeling better part.)

[Ferddy987]

The story of a lifetime.

 

I laughed at the amount of humor in this story. Excellent Work!

[Rougarou]

This has the makings of a graphic novel!!!

[Slynke]

I make sushi daaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

[Brown Sugar]

Just wanna add that I actually had difficulties to breath due to massive laugh attacks while reading this...

 

 

 

this

 

and the fact i could actually imagine the exact sound in my head when you described the part of the fart where it was like impossibly fast clapping

[Maleficus]

Did you have to wipe afterward?

[*MURDOC*]

I'm glad you're here.

[coin-god]

I'm glad you're here.

This. haha.

[Dark.]

All this time we've been blaming BP.

[freak2121]

First it was the topic about sh*tting on that guys face and now it's this.

 

This forum is a great place for a good laugh.

[Moonshield]

 

I'm glad you're back.

FTFY.

 

Come on guys, be cool.

[Wordsworth]

We're in studio, guys. Be cool. Be professional.

Edited November 25, 2010 by Wordsworth

[Sprackta]

This literally made my day. Holy sh*t. Haha, I hope you're serious.

[geomy]

Thanks for sharing, I guess

 

EDIT: Just realized who this was. Welcome back.

Edited November 25, 2010 by geomy

[That_Guy28]

Oh gosh. haha!! That was so funny. If it's possible to die of laughter it's a wonder i'm still alive. I've had an epicly sh*tty day but that just made it better!

[Andyzoot]

I wanna buy a Chuck Mangione record now...

[Fnorg]

I wanna buy a Chuck Mangione record now...

I'm downloading one as I write.

[93Sean93]

I wanna buy a Chuck Mangione record now...

I'm downloading one as I write.

hope you're paying for it...............

[Otter]

You know, ichiban always does the same sh*t to me?

[Moonshield]

Ya. Watery beer sh*ts are the worst.

[Mark]

Even worse when combined with a curry the night before. Or in the case of last night, a kebab with some pretty epic chilli sauce. Watery ring sting sucks.

[Wordsworth]

Ya. Watery beer sh*ts are the worst.

I always try to eat at the end of a night of drinking because of the beer sh*ts. Eating saves me from bad hangovers also.

[Ari Gold]

I f*cking miss you.

[Max]

Ya. Watery beer sh*ts are the worst.

I always try to eat at the end of a night of drinking because of the beer sh*ts. Eating saves me from bad hangovers also.

I find vodka runs more unpleasant than the beer sh*ts.

 

For every shot the night before, there's a sh*t the next day.

[d00d]

I just read this post, but my god, I laughed.

 

f*ck the cookies. I'm buying you a coach load of hookers.

[Skins]

Ya. Watery beer sh*ts are the worst.

I always try to eat at the end of a night of drinking because of the beer sh*ts. Eating saves me from bad hangovers also.

and eating is f*cking delicious when you are smashed