Need help faking my own death

[Dark.]

I've dealt with some seriously crazy, annoying stalkers before. Having a girl pretend to be my girlfriend has done the trick every time.

 

I'm actually wondering about what made this girl initially believe you two are (or almost) dating.

[baptiste]

Piss on her face.

 

In the case that she likes it, keep her around.

[trip]

Here is the solutions in a couple of easy steps.

 

1. Tell her you don't want her.

 

..And that's about it.

you've obviously never dealt with a stalker.

I have and I agree that sure as hell doesn't work...it just makes them crazier in my experience.

 

If you are really concerned, talk to your employer. My employer was ready to fire the person who was after me based on sexual harassment. They had the law department involved and everything. I'm a softy, so I didn't want to see her lose her job. There was pretty much just a work place restraining order put in place - she couldn't talk to me or be in the same area as me.

 

Just tell your employer her advances are unwanted and making you uncomfortable. At the very least they will tell her not to bother you.

 

 

[Rhoda]

Why don't you agree to meet her, but here's what you'll need:

• White trousers
• A strong desire to need a sh*t
• Willpower not to stab her

Here's the plan. You meet her saying you want to talk to her. She'll get so excited she'll cut her own tits off just to see you. Hold that crap right on back until you're 5 minutes into the conversation. You must meet outside and remain standing. If she's playing with her mammoth-like hair and licking her tusks, you've got her, that just sweetens things. At the right moment, pause whatever sentence you're on, and just sh*t yourself. Let it run down your leg. Bonus points by now if she notices, but if not, don't worry - with me, there's always a plan B. If it falls out of your trouser leg, simply look down (prompting her to, she f*cking worships you) and kick it away laughing. If it's runny and messy, simply pull a face and turn around, asking her if there's something on your pants.

 

She'll be initially excited at the prospect at seeing your iron buns, but then horrified at the sight of a nutty brown river bubbling away in your thundercrackers. Hopefully she'll run away with a man who works for Greenpeace.

 

I hope this helps.

[Black-hawk]

Introduce her to goatse.

 

EDIT: Better yet, perform the aforementioned act yourself.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Black-hawk

[Mainland Marauder]

I also thought, however briefly, about pretending to be a homosexual. But it would backfire because I work with two gay guys that could probably sniff me out pretty quickly as being a complete fugayzi

Just tell them if they get interested it's just an act.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I could come pretend to be your boyfriend

[Wordsworth]

Any applicants for the position of 40's Bitch must pass an extensive sandwich making workshop and also must agree to never say a word to me as long as they live.

[Mainland Marauder]

Any applicants for the position of 40's Bitch must pass an extensive sandwich making workshop and also must agree to never say a word to me as long as they live.

f*ck that noise. Make your own goddamn sandwich.

[Slynke]

Fart. You'll feel better about the hole thing..

[trip]

 

Fart. You'll feel better about the hole thing..

You talking about the ugly stalkers vagina?

[deathdealer]

in case this guy really needs help and is not trolling:

 

1. like someone already said, talk to your boss about it to get rid of her or arrange the schedule

so you don't work the same shift

 

2. change you phone number and cell phone number

 

3. if problem presists then get a restraining order

[Sauron]

You've always had a problem with crazy bitches.

[Creed Bratton]

Tell her that you're gay. That will solve everything.

[JakeTheHuman]

Piss on her face.

 

In the case that she likes it, keep her around.

Who are you? R Kelly?

 

 

Has no one thought of him just finding a good chick-friend, and having them act like they are dating in front of the Snorlax, instead of him sh*tting himself?

[Chewie]

Tell her straight up. If you don't leave me the f*ck alone, I'm going to call the cops because this sh*ts serious. Get restraining order against her if she doesn't leave you alone.

 

If she's f*cking touching you, file a report of sexual harassment.

[Wordsworth]

 

in case this guy really needs help and is not trolling:

We've obviously never met before.

 

 

You've always had a problem with crazy bitches.

 

Ain't dat da troof.

Edited November 25, 2010 by Wordsworth

[Bernard Jazz]

To quote a legend of this forum whose name escapes me:

 

Cockslap her, do a 360 and moonwalk the f*ck out of the room.

[Spaghetti Cat]

Sounds like a job for Maury/Dr. Phil/Springer

 

Daytime T.V. is where it's at now days.

[Mr.Mister]

I always hear people with these problems and they sound so damn easy to fix. All you gotta do is turn her off. Act disgusting around her, be mean, ignore her.

 

If you wanna fake a death for sh*ts and giggles, say your going to a huge mansion party at your cousins house outside of town. Then like a day and a half after, get people to say R.I.P and sh*t on your facebook wall.

[K^2]

I can't really help in any practical way, but if you are serious about going for fake death, let me know. I'm pretty good with explosives, fire arms, and all kinds of fake gore. We'll set something up so gruesome that none of the people who see it will ever be the same.

 

Of course, she'll eventually find out that it was staged, what with you both having the same place of employment. But who knows, maybe the shock of it will do some good.

[QwertyAAA]

Well, I guess joining the French Foreign Legion is the only solution.

[arsenal_fan]

Just say you will jump out of a plane and parachute your way down to her to show her your deep and internal love for her. Instead you push a dummy out of the plane where she watches you plummit to your death and that should be the end of that chapter

 

 

 

In all seriousness though, if she spammed your facebook page so badly that you had to delete it then f*ck being nice and respectful to her. Tell her to f#ck off or you will report her pathetic behaviour to your boss or even the cops.

[CubA_iLL_BrothA]

I work with this girl who has, for some reason or another, convinced herself that I am going to be her new boyfriend.

 

Luckily, she's part time. But whenever she works, she f*cking straight up coon fingers the sh*t out of me. Cannot keep her hands off of me. She practically gave me a breast exam today.

 

It's slowly started leaking into my personal life. She got my cell phone number off a company emergency directory and now sends me text messages. At least three or four a day-- none of which I respond to.

 

She added me on Facebook, which I accepted like an idiot. She spammed the sh*t out of my page until I started getting comments from other, you know, real friends who started wondering who she was. I had to resort to deleting my page.

 

Saturday night, she out-and-out propositioned me via text message. I didn't respond and laughed it off when I saw her at work today.

 

Before you ask, no, she is not attractive. She is an absolute beast, sea-beast, wildebeest, Dr. Hank McCoy AKA Beast, Paul's Boutique, second album from the Beastie Boys.

 

Here's what I would like to happen... ideally. I'd like for her to leave me alone forever without me having to say anything to her. I might just sh*t myself in front of her-- but with my luck, she'd be into it...

 

So, for now, I'm sticking with a stalwart front of tactical ineptitude co-mingling with a graceful haplessness. There are some people that like being fawned over-- even if it's from someone they find completely repugnant. I am not one of those people.

 

I also thought, however briefly, about pretending to be a homosexual. But it would backfire because I work with two gay guys that could probably sniff me out pretty quickly as being a complete fugayzi

This story, will be on CNN and Bigot Fox 666

[HolyGrenadeFrenzy]

Sometimes the only way to prevent this sort of behavior from continuing is to report the blatant use of sexual harassment.

 

It is a crime and also grounds for dismissal, after all. (Depending on where you live)

 

Don't give me that damn stereotypical gender bias that says "only women get sexually harassed" bullsh*t, because even in principal it is hypocritical.

[ViceDog]

tell her you're pregnant.

 

[Runey]

Tell her you have *insert STD*.

[Wordsworth]

Tell her you have *insert STD*.

Oh sh*t Rune! What it do my nig?

[King Of Monra]

Find out if she has a hot sister or friend, you can use the ugly one to get to the hot one. Or tell her that you are into some sick stuff like necrophilia.

[Tyler]

Three easy steps to follow here:

 

1) Be sure to have a good alibi, no matter what!!!

 

2) At work, just walk up to her and rip the clothes off. Proceed to literally 'f*ck that sh*t up'

 

3) Depending on the outcome, you got a free sex-friend, with full on blowjob-under-the-counter benefits, OR something less. I've always gotten the former. Trust me, you're a cop.

[860]

Here is the solutions in a couple of easy steps.

 

1. Tell her you don't want her.

 

..And that's about it.

you've obviously never dealt with a stalker.

I guess I'm just not that stalkable.