American Top Gear

[Wordsworth]

Sucks.

 

First off, let's just get something clear-- this guy:

 

...makes Top Gear what it is. A towering intellect and a self-effacing wit so dry it starts brushfires, without Clarkson, there would be no Top Gear.

 

This guy:

 

 

...is some Guido douche with a distracting mole.

 

"Ay, Joey... JOEY... I'm driving a f*ckin' Lambo over here! Aaayyy!"

 

This guy:

 

 

...has less personality than Fred Durst on horse tranquilizers. Motherf*cker is so vanilla, rice pudding, skim milk, curds-and-whey-boring, he makes James May look like David Lee Roth.

 

And this lesbian hipster:

 

 

...is... well... a lesbian hipster. And I f*cking hate his name. Rutledge? Seriously. If you name your kid Rutledge, the nurse typing the birth certificate should just punch you right in the c*nt. That should be a law.

 

Anyways, none of them are fit to carry Clarkson's jockstrap. I like James May for his cold, robotic precision. And I tolerate Richard Hammond's quirky hamminess and constant winking at the camera. But I would straight-up gay marry Jeremy Clarkson right in his big, Cornish cornhole.

 

Also, this is just a hint for the History channel, if you're trying to get me into your new series, how about showing me more than five minutes of the show at a time without a commercial? If I see one more spot for IRT: Deadliest Roads, I'm going to donate ten dollars to the United Negro College Fund.

 

Maybe the network pinned down what watered-down Americans want, but I think they completely missed the point. If the point were a dartboard, they shot a laser-guided Tomahawk missile at it, missed and hit the Montessori school next door.

 

They piled three uninteresting queers into exotic cars and had them flat-out drag race on an airstrip, stop me if you've heard this one, in the desert.

 

The British Top Gear would put each man in a super-exotic sports car and then test something completely inane. Like how many disco balls could fit in the trunk or how fast it could do a lap with a Great Dane sitting comfortably in the front seat.

 

They test retarded sh*t. If the car is a sensible sedan, they test it on the Nürburgring. If it's a family SUV. they drive it up the Scottish Highlands. If the car takes itself too seriously, they make it seem ridiculous.

 

This American sh*t is rubber-stamped edginess that appeals to Affliction t-shirt wearing, Linkin Park listening, Full Throttle swilling, barbed-wire tattoo-having douchenozzles that secretly get f*cking rock-hard boners when they watch MMA on Spike TV.

 

I'm out.

[makeshyft]

I, uh... I really like this topic.

 

Honest-to-god semi over here.

[Kevin...]

I don't have any tattoos, I don't like Full Throttle, I don't own any Affliction t-shirts, and I am not a fan of MMA. That being said, I was fairly amused by the show. While I understand it is no Clarkson's Top Gear, I do understand that Clarkson's Top Gear isn't going to be around for a few months and this will satisfy my interest for the time being. Now what you also gotta look at, once you get over the fact that everyone already f*cking knows this will never be as good as TGUK, is how f*ckin bad Top Gear was when it started out. Back in the 70s and when it started back up in 2002. Give them a few episodes and see if the sh*t comes together.

 

It may be bad when it comes to TGUK standards but when you measure it up to what we have here in the States (Motorweek?) you are left with a decent show that just needs to find its footing. While I agree with most of your views on the cast, need I remind you of Jason Dawe? Exactly. sh*t can be changed, just like the blood soaked tampon from every self proclaimed TG aficionado angst filled bleeding vaginas crying foul for everything not BBC Top Gear.

 

I like Adam Ferrara. He is the "everyman" for the show as well as a comedian and actor. Rutledge is a big flaming pile of douche that deserves to die but was thrown in to satisfy the Confederate States inhabitants and NASCAR fans who might happen to feel disconnected from the show. Give him a bit of time and some money for a name change and he may work. Tanner Foust deserves to be thrown off the f*cking show. While his acting skills are on par with my latest toilet deposit, he is a driver...a real f*cking race car driver. Are any of the TGUK guys racers by profession? No, they are professional jackasses with assorted media degrees and a skewed passion for everything automotive.

 

 

Anyways, quit whining. The world already got the memo. Its not going to be as good as the UK's version and will never be anything near it. Just enjoy it for what it is or shut the hell up and wallow in your own self pity as you wait for TG to start up in or after January. The rest of us are going to sit around and be entertained as much as we possibly can and hope for something good to happen to this show while we wait for TGUK to start up again.

 

 

EDIT: BTW - Welcome back 40. Glad you managed to find your way back to this cesspool of ignorance and retardation. Now only if you could kill of the 400,000 retards we have infesting this place.

Edited November 24, 2010 by κενιη

[makeshyft]

I don't have any tattoos, I don't like Full Throttle, I don't own any Affliction t-shirts, and I am not a fan of MMA. That being said, I was fairly amused by wanking into a sock. While I understand it is no wet pussy, I do understand that my girlfriend's gash isn't going to be useable for a few days, and this will satisfy my need to ejaculate. Now what you also gotta look at, once you get over the fact that everyone already f*cking knows jerking off will never be as good as f*cking, is how f*ckin bad you were at laying carpet when you first started. Give it a few quick turns of the wrist and see how you go.

 

It may be bad when it comes to 'boning' standards but when you measure it up to the obese lardass women we have in the States (dumptrucks?) you are left with a decent spank session and a sock that'll be fine after a wash. While I agree with most of your views on milking the lizard, need I remind you of anal stimulation? Exactly. sh*t can be poked, just like the blood soaked tampon (I'm leaving this) from every self proclaimed stud crying foul for everything not vag-related.

 

I like auto-erotic asphyxiation. It is the "Carradine-killer" as far as the wanking world is concerned. Tweaking the balls is a big flaming pile of douche that deserves to die but I throw it in to satisfy the Confederate States inhabitants and NASCAR fans who happen to be my buddies and always watch me from the window when I'm yanking it home. Give it a bit of time and some lube and it will work.

 

Anyways, quit whining. The world already got the memo. Spanking it is not going to be as good as being balls-deep and will never be anything near it. Just enjoy it for what it is or shut the hell up and wallow in your own self pity as you wait for your girlfriend to get off her rag. The rest of us are going to sit around and be entertained as much as we possibly can and hope for something good to happen to our penises while we wait for the blood-flow to stop.

[Kevin...]

Its like Mad Libs...only with more masturbation and David Carradine.

[ghost of delete key]

 

I don't have any tattoos...

...

... penises while we wait for the blood-flow to stop.

This is Lucky's speech from Waiting for Godot.

 

I applaud you, Mr. Beckett.

[Pico]

f*cking hell, you people expect way too much.

 

I went in to this trying to block every urge to compare it with TG UK. Looking at it from an American who's had no other show like it, it was pretty damn good. But, looking at it from the perspective of someone who's been watching TGUK for the past several years, it definitely pales in comparison.

 

Think about it this way: look at the first season of Top Gear. That fat retard they had, gone. Then after that, how long did it take for them to build chemistry and a proper format? I can guarantee it wasn't right away.

 

I would also think it'd be easier to build up a show with equal entertainment as TGUK, but either the people who casted and directed TGUSA and TGAUS are mentally f*cking retarded, or it's harder to do than you would think.

 

I will agree that I hate Rutledge. Primarily for his hipster look and his f*cking name. He did pull a Hammond-esque move by screaming STOP in the crappy car segment. I found that pretty funny, the guido got too pissed off.

 

What I think is hurting any other non-TGUK show from hitting hard is expectations. If they hired copies of the UK counter-parts, they may as well just air the damn show over here in the US. Give it some time. I think it has potential.

My biggest issue with the cast is that they've got Tanner Foust who is a very excellent professional driver, then some guido and "lesbian hipster," as you nicely put it, who I have no clue who they are. I have no idea what their credentials are, no clue what their level of car enthusiasm/knowledge is, etc. For all I know they went to the midwest, grabbed some fat guy, had him trim his neckbeard, then hopped over to Jersey Shore and picked up The Situations uncle and gave them some facts about the cars on the show to memorize. And really, if that is what happened, I can see why there is a lack of passion being presented.

 

edit: Just realized that Kevin pretty much said all of that.

 

Also, I remember this Adam Ferrara guy now, he's a pretty sh*tty comedian. I think they is evident by his awesome humor on the show.

I have no clue how he could possibly be found more humorous or a better host than Adam Carolla, who is an avid car enthusiast as well.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Pico

[Wordsworth]

I don't think I expected too much, but what was delivered was so startingly inept and unsatisfying that I was forced to drop bombs. It was f*cking ridiculous. The only saving grace for that show is that it was not made with Adam f*cking Corolla as originally planned. That smirking, pube-headed baboon. I tried to watch ten minutes of his movie The Hammer the other night, I ended up driving a tenpenny nail through my dickhole just to ease the pain of having to watch that dried up, unfunny monkey turd of a movie.

[Voodoo]

Gentlemen, I concur. I went into it expecting a watered down bastardized rip off, so in that aspect I wasn't disappointed. That ep was like sitting down for a lovely slice of chocolate cake only to realize that some f*cker just frosted an empty box. Why do so many great UK shows have to be remade for idiot US audiences and completely ruined? Just show the f*cking original here.

 

 

[Pico]

 

Gentlemen, I concur. I went into it expecting a watered down bastardized rip off, so in that aspect I wasn't disappointed. That ep was like sitting down for a lovely slice of chocolate cake only to realize that some f*cker just frosted an empty box. Why do so many great UK shows have to be remade for idiot US audiences and completely ruined? Just show the f*cking original here.

The Office.

That 70's Show.

 

The originals were pathetic middle-school quality versions of those first, the US fixed them immensely.

 

Again, only reason this one isn't as awesome is because of the length of time TGUK has been on the air.

[Voodoo]

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to take any of your future posts seriously after that statement. The Office UK was brilliant. I'm sure it's just not your funny.

 

 

[Wordsworth]

America has a way of buttf*cking anything good other countries make. For instance, they are creating an American remake of the Japanese cult classic Battle Royale. It will likely star Khloe Kardashian and Justin Bieber. I am going to buy tickets to the film and burn them just so others are not subjected to the retina-scorchingly bad embarrassment it is 100% guaranteed to be.

[makeshyft]

Hey guys, do you remember the US version of 'Life on Mars'?

 

Nah, of course not. Nobody f*cking does.

[The Killa]

 

Gentlemen, I concur. I went into it expecting a watered down bastardized rip off, so in that aspect I wasn't disappointed. That ep was like sitting down for a lovely slice of chocolate cake only to realize that some f*cker just frosted an empty box. Why do so many great UK shows have to be remade for idiot US audiences and completely ruined? Just show the f*cking original here.

The Office.

That 70's Show.

 

The originals were pathetic middle-school quality versions of those first, the US fixed them immensely.

 

Again, only reason this one isn't as awesome is because of the length of time TGUK has been on the air.

Excuse me what in the tittyf*cking christ but I enjoy both versions of The Office. Also correct me if I'm wrong but Ricky Gervais also plays a big role in writing and producing the US version so there isn't that much of a difference anyway.

 

I think a lot of Americans are still in the mindset that anything not American is a bad thing, hence the reason why they almost never show the original films in theaters or television, so they make their own with often embarrassingly bad results.

 

A recent example was Let the Right One In, a wonderful Swedish film that got an American remake which I refuse to see, but people have said they were impressed with it, so perhaps I'll give it a go.

Edited November 25, 2010 by The Killa

[Don Garcia]

For instance, they are creating an American remake of the Japanese cult classic Battle Royale.

Are you f*cking serious?

 

wth america

[E.A.B.]

I think a lot of Americans are still in the mindset that anything not American is a bad thing

Not true. It's just that movie studios have run out of ideas so they're looking for sh*t to rip off.

 

Like 1980's cartoons.

 

Personally, I f*cking despise it. Even if it's good; I just don't like the mindset that 'IF DEY DUN SPEEK AMURKA DEN I AINT WATCHIN'. WHY does it have to be remade?

 

If you're gonna do so, then tweak it A LOT so its a DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE.

 

f*cking pig disgusting xenophobes JUST ADD SUBTITLES AMERICANS NEED THE READING

[LanceVanceDance07]

The first episode of Top Gear USA wasn't that bad, probably because my expectations were very low, but I do have my gripes. Obviously UK Top Gear is miles better, but I think the American version has the potential to improve.

[Dnero]

The first episode of Top Gear USA wasn't that bad, probably because my expectations were very low, but I do have my gripes. Obviously UK Top Gear is miles better, but I think the American version has the potential to improve.

I agree with this, just downloaded the episode and watched it. Maybe in a few more episodes and add some improvement, it could be a good series.

[Pico]

Gentlemen, I concur. I went into it expecting a watered down bastardized rip off, so in that aspect I wasn't disappointed. That ep was like sitting down for a lovely slice of chocolate cake only to realize that some f*cker just frosted an empty box. Why do so many great UK shows have to be remade for idiot US audiences and completely ruined? Just show the f*cking original here.

The Office.

That 70's Show.

 

The originals were pathetic middle-school quality versions of those first, the US fixed them immensely.

 

Again, only reason this one isn't as awesome is because of the length of time TGUK has been on the air.

Excuse me what in the tittyf*cking christ but I enjoy both versions of The Office. Also correct me if I'm wrong but Ricky Gervais also plays a big role in writing and producing the US version so there isn't that much of a difference anyway.

 

I think a lot of Americans are still in the mindset that anything not American is a bad thing, hence the reason why they almost never show the original films in theaters or television, so they make their own with often embarrassingly bad results.

 

A recent example was Let the Right One In, a wonderful Swedish film that got an American remake which I refuse to see, but people have said they were impressed with it, so perhaps I'll give it a go.

In reference to The Office: exactly. It was almost the exact same jokes with the exact same setting and characters, just different names. The acting was pathetic.

And the same with That 70's Show. First, it was named something really stupid, and again, the actors were complete sh*t.

 

As for Americans not liking anything that isn't American, I don't believe I fall into that category. Go through my posts around here and you'll find many, many non-American films from places such as India, Korea, China, Japan, and tons of places from Europe in general that I've liked. So I know great things can be made outside of the US. But those two shows, complete crap.

 

As for Let The Right One In, Let Me In was actually pretty good. It's basically a shot-for-shot remake. The special effects were a little sh*tty at times, primarily due to the character's motions looking awkward, and the main character seemed a little more violent, at least from what I remember from the first one. I'd say they were both equally enjoyable, though.

[Max]

Gentlemen, I concur. I went into it expecting a watered down bastardized rip off, so in that aspect I wasn't disappointed. That ep was like sitting down for a lovely slice of chocolate cake only to realize that some f*cker just frosted an empty box. Why do so many great UK shows have to be remade for idiot US audiences and completely ruined? Just show the f*cking original here.

The Office.

That 70's Show.

 

The originals were pathetic middle-school quality versions of those first, the US fixed them immensely.

 

Again, only reason this one isn't as awesome is because of the length of time TGUK has been on the air.

Excuse me what in the tittyf*cking christ but I enjoy both versions of The Office. Also correct me if I'm wrong but Ricky Gervais also plays a big role in writing and producing the US version so there isn't that much of a difference anyway.

 

I think a lot of Americans are still in the mindset that anything not American is a bad thing, hence the reason why they almost never show the original films in theaters or television, so they make their own with often embarrassingly bad results.

 

A recent example was Let the Right One In, a wonderful Swedish film that got an American remake which I refuse to see, but people have said they were impressed with it, so perhaps I'll give it a go.

In reference to The Office: exactly. It was almost the exact same jokes with the exact same setting and characters, just different names. The acting was pathetic.

What are you talking about? The acting in the Office UK was perfect for the characters and the kind of humour they were going for. They didn't ham it up and they were 100% believable. Maybe you're confusing naturalistic style for a lack of talent.

[Mister Pink]

I think a show like Top Gear can easily be translated although it's OK as it is, the remake will allow the presenters to do localized jokes. I wouldn't be offended by remaking a good show in a U.S. version like say, The Office where I don't think Dave Brent can be done by anyone else but Ricky Gervais. Having said that, people are are used to what they know first. When they see it re-created for another audience it toys with the good impression you already have and it hurts to see it redone in a different way. Especially when people say the remake is better than the original.

 

As for Jeremy Clarkson, I've gone off him. I'm sick of his dad-humour and he reminds me of some arrogant-think-they're-funny type people I know. I used to not think that but now I do.

 

Just so long as people know where it came from and have a little respect, I think that's cool. I didn't really like The Office being remade although it did have some good jokes but not the natural, realistic and cringe worthy approach as the UK, Office.

 

 

[M. H. Hunter III]

Gah seeing that fatass redneck Rutledge (who names there kid that anyway) throwing the V12 Vantage around in the salt plains is the automotive equivalent of seeing your mother in a bukkake film.

Seriously I know there isn't a lot of places in the US to drive cars towards the top end, but you can't act all civilized and pretending to be bond while driving a piece of automotive art on salt plains or a lakebed. FFS

 

Oh and I'm starting to think that tanner way hired initially hired to be the stig for the series, but somehow got a hosting spot. That guy is just bland as hell with his clips or voice overs.

Don't get me wrong here Tanner is a good driver and such, just not a good presenter.

[Pico]

They're starting to joke around more. I think this second one was a good bit better than the first.

I liked the race again the skiers bit. It was pretty exciting.

 

I'm still no where near giving up on TG USA. I wouldn't be disappointed if they got rid of Rutledge though... I just hate his face. He probably is a gigantic Mac fanboy and he can't drive for sh*t.

I don't like Ferrara too much, although he can be funny at times and I can see it being a good gag with the other two hosts making fun of him often for his poor driving skills.

 

The worst thing about the three hosts is that Tanner seems to be the only one that truly knows anything about cars. It seems like the other two guys have no idea, they're just spouting out memorized facts about the cars they're currently driving on the segment. The one thing TG UK has for it is the hosts know car history quite well. Of course, they have had the chance to drive a ba-jillion more cars, so that does help.

 

Also, I'm watching this on a 1080p HDTV through regular def TV, so I'm not sure but it seems like it's poorly shot and edited. But it's hard for me to really see the effects their using to make it look good. I may need to obtain a higher def version of the next episode to see...

[Moonshield]

He probably is a gigantic Mac fanboy...

lol, what does this have to do with anything? Just because he looks like a lesbian you're jumping to this conclusion? Or are you just tacking that on so you can justify hating him more? Can macfags not drive? Oh wait, they're so used to their fixed-gear bikes they forgot how to drive, right? I'd really like to understand your thought process here.

 

Off topic:

And can we please address the UK Office being awful in comparison to the US version? This is the exact opposite of the mindset that I usually hate - the self-important "I liked it better when it was the UK version" tryhard blowhole, and it's just as annoying. The shows, while being the same premis, have completely different delivery and execution - both of which do a good job.

 

On topic:

This show is boring. The shots and editing are pretty sh*tty. And don't get me started on the hosts. It's not that it's just the US version, but this show definitely lacks a certain charm that the UK version is rife with.

[Ottae]

 

*First Post*

I like this.

 

I, however, will not watch American Top Gear out of protest.

[Pico]

He probably is a gigantic Mac fanboy...

lol, what does this have to do with anything? Just because he looks like a lesbian you're jumping to this conclusion? Or are you just tacking that on so you can justify hating him more? Can macfags not drive? Oh wait, they're so used to their fixed-gear bikes they forgot how to drive, right? I'd really like to understand your thought process here.

 

Off topic:

And can we please address the UK Office being awful in comparison to the US version? This is the exact opposite of the mindset that I usually hate - the self-important "I liked it better when it was the UK version" tryhard blowhole, and it's just as annoying. The shows, while being the same premis, have completely different delivery and execution - both of which do a good job.

 

On topic:

This show is boring. The shots and editing are pretty sh*tty. And don't get me started on the hosts. It's not that it's just the US version, but this show definitely lacks a certain charm that the UK version is rife with.

Macfag in the fact that he believes it's superior in a smug sense and has no back other than it's more exclusive/higher quality, which are matters up to interpretation. He's got that smug, hipster, douchieness (that a word?) to him. If I spoke to him in person I'd probably hate him.

I liked how Tanner ripped on him, I think he called him Mr. Plaid?

Also, there's a Top Gear topic over in Vehicle Chat, so I really don't see the point of this here. Any big enough car fan to care about this show should be over in that section. But in there, some one brought up the joke about Brits lying that Rutledge made. It seems like they plan on getting more daring with their critiques on cars. That's one of the finer points of TG UK, not giving a f*ck about what they say. So I hope that carries over.

 

As for The Office UK. I stand by my statement that the acting is sh*t. It in no way seems natural at all how any of them act, aside from Gervais... which would seemed forced if I haven't hear the guy speak in interviews and the likes. I've seem plenty of movies from the UK so I have an understanding for the acting style, pretty similar to here in the US. So I have a hard time believing that the actors were meant to be so bland.

Even so, if it is on purpose, I'll just have to say I hate it. The delivery of the jokes and attitudes of the actors are horrible. The Dwight character wouldn't stand a chance against a bear, and I bet his beets taste like sh*t.

[Finn 7 five 11]

There is an Australian version of top gear as well, following suit witht he American to gear, it sucks, even though they are all shows about cars half the fun is the characters on the show (hammond, james may, and Jeremy)

 

Some of you might think James May is boring, but i find him hilariously odd.

[Pico]

Most people find the way May is dull and nerdy very humorous, that's his gimmick.

 

I missed the TG America episode last night and can't find it anywhere online. Finalgear.com has info of it posted up... and the ratings make it look promising. Out of 10, the first episode got a 5.79, the second got a 6.9... which follows what I would agree with; the second one was a bit more enjoyable but not a huge amount. Well, the third one so far has a rating of 8.04 which is pretty damn good. Most TG UK episodes rate around there.

Hopefully those numbers are a good indicator of this recent episode.

[ChanandlerBong]

I haven't got around to watching this yet, purely because why bother when TGUK is shown all the time on Dave. But one thing I need to say is people always say "Look at the first series of TGUK, it was crap." And you're right, it was utter arse gravy. But it shouldn't be compared to the first series of TGUS. TGUK had no template to work to, it was a completely new format with only one well known presenter. TGUS has a template. It knows now, from looking at TGUK exactly what works and what doesn't. It's inexcusable for TGUS to be bad when it has this almost perfect show to work from and improve upon; if anything it should be better.

[Ronnyboy]

 

It knows now, from looking at TGUK exactly what works and what doesn't. It's inexcusable for TGUS to be bad when it has this almost perfect show to work from and improve upon; if anything it should be better.

How is it inexcusable? If at anything, it should be lower quality. Everyone has great expectations from TGUK so they expect this to be perfect. It's not going to be perfect at first, takes time to get sh*t right. With your logic, its like saying we should have had better rockets then the Russians at first back in the day, and remember how that worked?