Bad Day Undead

[Ziggy455]

 

Bad Day Undead

 

 

What a mess. Disgust and disappointment were my friends as I followed the path of rubbish which fitted so well with the scene of the Ocean Front. My eyes watered with the strong smell of rot which seemed to suffocate the very air I was trying to take in. I crept slowly around a burning car; the papers and rubbish which fluttered like butterflies ignited and blew away as the heat threw them up.

 

sh*t had become my initial thought as I noticed a charred skeleton was in the car, its jaw low as if its eternal armature was constantly screaming well even into the Afterlife. I mentally shuddered, pulled my gun’s lock back, and proceeded forwards. The next Hotel which was in view was still functioning as it seemed. Lights shone from the windows onto the floor outside and on to the sidewalk from where I stood. The cold air made me shake as I viewed the entire area of the Hotel’s name. The sprawling letters spelt out OCEANVIEW in pink Neon; it was strange to see such snazzy lights in a sh*tty part of this place after the infection took over. It was odd, like seeing a good looking bitch after the Zombies had gotten to her. That’d make you shudder as much as it did me.

 

I slowly crept into the lobby of the Hotel. It seemed that the only thing in order was here were the f*cking lights! The Marble floor had become stained with dirt, blood and vomit. The restaurant area was full of overturned chairs and tables, each one splintered and broken in a variety of ways. The walls were shrouded in blood; the apparent hand shape of blood seemed to be on numerous places, especially at the bottom of the stairs. This made my stomach flip; I felt the sickness in me rising. Two bloody handprints were symmetrical, each one connecting to a large dragged line of pure Red blood which continued upstairs into the unknown, and that was where it would stay.

 

I held my Colt tighter, ready for whatever was coming my way. As my feet cautiously moved around the mess of the restaurant I turned around alertly to aim my gun down the back of the reception desk. Nobody’s here I thought as I turned, oh how wrong I was as I was faced with the hollow end of a M16 Military Issued Carbine.

 

The Man holding it was dressed in the Vice City National Guard, the same Guards who were assigned to protect the weak and helpless, but it turned out that they were helping themselves. I guess they did follow their orders to assist with the wretches of Vice. This man in front of me was injured, numerous bite marks were on his arms, his name patch had been torn and only revealed the first three letters of his last name which revealed to be –nez. Nez was breathing heavily, his face was pale. His eyes were glazed over and his mouth was so dry that his corners were white with dehydration.

 

“You seen my Brother!?” he screamed, edging the gun closer. I put my hands up. “No.” I quietly replied. “Oh yeah?” came his reply, he turned me around. “You move you’re dead friend.” I didn’t reply as his hands shuffled down my body. He reached his hand into my pocket and pulled out my wallet. His hands were shaking uncontrollably. “Let’s see here,” he said while flicking through it like he was a crack addict finding the god like boulder of crank. He stopped quickly.

 

“Edwards hmm.” He gave me my wallet back and turned me around. His eyes burned into me, which made me, feel a slight ounce of discomfort. I would show no emotion to scum like him. “I know who you are now so unless-“he tripped backwards as he started to move back towards the restaurant area. “Unless you wanna have a bad day, I suggest you-“He frantically looked around, shifting like something invisible was taunting him. “You’ll do?” was my simple reply.

 

As his feet hit the planter of the restaurant, something jumped up out of sight. It grappled Nez with a strong force of determination and as its stale hands lunged over his shoulders to grab his chest, it’s Body and Face was clear to me. It was dead; whoever it was and that did not frighten me. What disturbed me was as it pierced Nezs neck with its rotting jaw, the bottom half of his body was evident to be a blood stained skeleton, the Intestine, Liver, Kidneys and other internal organ had seemed to have fallen out onto the floor below. As I stared in Awe and Fear, Nez fired off his gun in pain. I jumped behind the reception desk.

 

The shooting stopped eventually and I quickly decided to run out of the building and back to base.

 

Looks like Nez had the bad day.

[Tyler]

All I can suggest for this is that you become more familiar with uncommon descriptive words, to better the fluency of the story. I liked where the plot went, but felt it a little dry in the end. There wasn't too much to read, maybe add a bit more next time, but seeing as this is an introduction it's understandable. Just keep up doing what you're doing and you should be fine with this. Also, I love that it's a fanfic, very great little addition to it all.

[Eminence]

Just noting the aesthetics, why centre it? It's just... annoying. Similarly, new line for new dialogue. Simple things.

 

There's some good details that build up a nice atmosphere, but the whole thing's a little too clunky. At times the description seems to backtrack over itself and repeat details. But more importantly: too much tell, not enough show. For example, instead of telling us that you moved around "cautiously", find another way to create an atmosphere of caution, and show us that this is how you moved. A good exercise in that vein is to decide what you want to tell the reader, and then tell them without using that specific word or idea.

[Ziggy455]

 

Just noting the aesthetics, why centre it? It's just... annoying. Similarly, new line for new dialogue. Simple things.

 

There's some good details that build up a nice atmosphere, but the whole thing's a little too clunky. At times the description seems to backtrack over itself and repeat details. But more importantly: too much tell, not enough show. For example, instead of telling us that you moved around "cautiously", find another way to create an atmosphere of caution, and show us that this is how you moved. A good exercise in that vein is to decide what you want to tell the reader, and then tell them without using that specific word or idea.

 

For example, instead of telling us that you moved around "cautiously", find another way to create an atmosphere of caution, and show us that this is how you moved. A good exercise in that vein is to decide what you want to tell the reader, and then tell them without using that specific word or idea.

 

So, like:

 

I slowly moved around the restaurant area, preparing for something to lunge at me?

 

Care to divulge a little more help?

[Eminence]

Sort of. But you're still telling there, just saying "I was preparing". (Don't get me wrong, you can and should say these sorts of things, you don't want everything to be too vivid and stuff... sometimes it's better to tell than to show, often for pacing reasons. But too much of it basically makes it boring.) You want the reader to like, read between the lines, and that's the mark of good writing, when you reveal all this information without directly telling the reader how to feel. If you can create a sentence that makes the reader aware of all these ideas - caution, preparing, weariness - that sort of thing, then it'd be much more interesting to read.

 

It's really hard to do and pull off right, and it can be especially hard to note where the line is between one and the other.

 

What you can do, instead of just narrating how the protagonist feels, is create this atmosphere through the world around him.

 

 

I took a light step forwards, careful not to make too much noise on the broken glass. The room was empty, just waiting for me to make my move, but the faint breeze creeping in from the doors behind me made the leaves of a tall plant sway gently in the darkness ahead.

 

Just a quick example, and it's by no means great, but here the reader can see how the protagonist is cautious because his steps are slow and light, and we have that sense of dread because even though the room is empty, it's alive with the plant moving in the shadows. It lends it a bit more atmosphere, and implies that there could be something there, without the protagonist just outright telling us clumsily, "I thought something might be waiting for me up ahead".

[Oxidizer]

See, this is precisely why this place is dead. No one reads the actual story - or if they do, they completely choose NOT to leave any feedback on it whatsoever.

 

What's the pointing in people even posting their work on here anymore? Seriously.

[Eminence]

One chapter introduction. It's in Vice City, in the Ocean Front. Zombies have taken over. A guy is there in addition to the protagonist. A zombie gets the guy.

 

Hardly anything to comment on, is it? This isn't a stab at you, Ziggy, it's just... kinda waiting for the story to get going before I can even comment on what's going on, because as it stands, nothing's happened, and there's no real story to look at. It's not as though anything majorly unique or fantastic has happened that needs to be pointed out... but it's not as though it needs to be criticised, because it's just the opening, and the story will move on from there.

 

And I'll say it over and over, but a bad story told well is better than a good story told poorly. If there's room for improvement in the writing, then that's what I'm gonna focus on, gosh darn it.

[Ziggy455]

 

See, this is precisely why this place is dead. No one reads the actual story - or if they do, they completely choose NOT to leave any feedback on it whatsoever.

 

What's the pointing in people even posting their work on here anymore? Seriously.

Teehee, hey I'm all for criticism - I stink, badly! Getting feedback for my mistakes will only better my writing, I can only go up from here.

 

@ Eminence: I understand, use the location to narrate the protagonists feelings, more or less I understand.

 

No offence taken, but most stories start of with action, or an exciting event and so I redid this prologue of my old 'Grand Theft Auto Vice City: Undead. To see my improvements. I understand that the story is just beginning and so I did not add much depth to it. For instance, WHY was the character there? WHO is he? What is his backstory? HOW did he get to where he was?

 

It's all in tribute to that prologue, Although most people on here are like: HEY MA L33T STURY IZ GUDS IN EVERY WAY!

 

That's not me, I'm all for criticism I'm glad Em' explained this point - I will note in down in my mind for future use in my writing and I'll employ it in my next short piece.

 

 

What Is Show vs. Tell?

 

In fiction, telling is when you give information in a straight summarized fashion: "Jim was a lazy slob." Showing is when you illustrate that through scene, action, and dialogue:

 

"Louise, where's my beer? I'm thirsty, woman!"

 

"Get off that couch and get it yourself, why don't you?"

 

Jim scratched his belly and enjoyed how it jiggled like a water balloon. "Just get it, all right? Get and I'll...I'll get out there and mow the front lawn."

 

Louise poked her head around the door jamb. "You mean today?"

 

"Yes, today. What'd you think I meant?"

 

"And you'd do the back lawn, too?"

 

Jim pointed the remote and changed the channel. "Don't get greedy now."

 

Louise went back down the hall. "Get your own beer."

 

This explained it perfectly!

 

 

Edited November 23, 2010 by Ziggy455

[Eminence]

Not just the location, that was just an example. Google show vs tell and you'll get loads of results, some of it can be confusing but if you work your way through you'll pick stuff up.

[Mokrie Dela]

The best way to improve is to keep writing.

 

A one chapter intro DOES work, but only if it's done right. I'm not sure if I've completely got the hang of it yet, but its all about suspense, and raising a question, drawing your reader in. Think of it like fishing. If you don't drop the bait in the water, you won't catch anything.

 

I think an example of this (or at least an ATTEMPT at it - i can't comment on its effectiveness ) is in my story, City of Lies (read it if you want ) The story starts with Niko, attending a certain person's grave. It's raining (weather has a big impact on setting the scene - rain and clouds help enforce the sad or negative, the minor if you will. Sun and warm weather can help enforce the positive, the happy or major, to use the musical term). My attempt was to throw the reader into Niko's shoes, to make them feel him - drawing them in emotionally. Then as the chapter closes i add an element of suspense - "who's that" you may ask.

 

I'm not claiming i'm brilliant, nor am i trying to plug my story, but the best advice i can give to anyone is:

 

 

If you want to become a great bassist, you have to study other bassists. If you want to become a great musician, you have to study other musicians.

Same goes to writing - read what you can, from Dan Brown to Vladimir Bartol, From sci fi to romantic dramas. Look at the different styles and most importantly, KEEP WRITING.

Don't take any criticism to heart, but DEFINITELY listen to what people have to say. Take a step back and look at your work, focusing on their points.

 

I'd be happy to help anyone who asks for it, publically or via private messages and don't be afraid to ask anyone for help.

RE:"i stink" well no you don't - i picked up an old story i wrote 6 years ago yesterday and read it. It was SH*T! very poor grammer and spelling and packed with cliches and poor narrative.

But you learn.

You're right though - you can only improve. but know this: You will never be perfect. No one will. The day you say "i'm brilliant" is the day you lose - it's a constant strive for perfection. Only by aiming high can we gain any progress at all...

 

I'll be watching this for the next chapter! (hope none of my words seem arrogant or anything. )

 

Also, i'd strongly recommend this book for any writer :

Writing a Novel - Nigel Watts

Edited November 23, 2010 by Mokrie Dela

[Ziggy455]

The best way to improve is to keep writing.

 

A one chapter intro DOES work, but only if it's done right. I'm not sure if I've completely got the hang of it yet, but its all about suspense, and raising a question, drawing your reader in. Think of it like fishing. If you don't drop the bait in the water, you won't catch anything.

 

I think an example of this (or at least an ATTEMPT at it - i can't comment on its effectiveness ) is in my story, City of Lies (read it if you want ) The story starts with Niko, attending a certain person's grave. It's raining (weather has a big impact on setting the scene - rain and clouds help enforce the sad or negative, the minor if you will. Sun and warm weather can help enforce the positive, the happy or major, to use the musical term). My attempt was to throw the reader into Niko's shoes, to make them feel him - drawing them in emotionally. Then as the chapter closes i add an element of suspense - "who's that" you may ask.

 

I'm not claiming i'm brilliant, nor am i trying to plug my story, but the best advice i can give to anyone is:

 

 

If you want to become a great bassist, you have to study other bassists. If you want to become a great musician, you have to study other musicians.

Same goes to writing - read what you can, from Dan Brown to Vladimir Bartol, From sci fi to romantic dramas. Look at the different styles and most importantly, KEEP WRITING.

Don't take any criticism to heart, but DEFINITELY listen to what people have to say. Take a step back and look at your work, focusing on their points.

 

I'd be happy to help anyone who asks for it, publically or via private messages and don't be afraid to ask anyone for help.

RE:"i stink" well no you don't - i picked up an old story i wrote 6 years ago yesterday and read it. It was SH*T! very poor grammer and spelling and packed with cliches and poor narrative.

But you learn.

You're right though - you can only improve. but know this: You will never be perfect. No one will. The day you say "i'm brilliant" is the day you lose - it's a constant strive for perfection. Only by aiming high can we gain any progress at all...

 

I'll be watching this for the next chapter! (hope none of my words seem arrogant or anything. )

 

Also, i'd strongly recommend this book for any writer :

Writing a Novel - Nigel Watts

'Hit the old needle on the head there' Mokrie.

 

I'm an artist, well...Actually I just draw alot - I constantly strive for perfection with it, but the day you're happy with your status, is the day you die.

 

I'll look into that book of yours, I need as much help as I get.

 

I look back at my work - In fact scan back to Vice City: Undead, you'll see a dramatic change with these prologues. Lol.

 

 

[Mokrie Dela]

The book is really good imo.

 

It explains the "eighfold arc", the 8 stages you need in stories and disects Jack and the beanstalk as an example.

 

Each chapter is a differnt thing, one is character developement, the other view point - if you want help i'd strongly recommend buying it - its a good book to reference and refresh some things, and has exercises in there (and is written by a real author ).

 

Or rent it from your library - they'll have many books similar, but i cant comment on what i havent read.

[Ziggy455]

The book is really good imo.

 

It explains the "eighfold arc", the 8 stages you need in stories and disects Jack and the beanstalk as an example.

 

Each chapter is a differnt thing, one is character developement, the other view point - if you want help i'd strongly recommend buying it - its a good book to reference and refresh some things, and has exercises in there (and is written by a real author ).

 

Or rent it from your library - they'll have many books similar, but i cant comment on what i havent read.

Very similar to 'Writing Fiction for Dummies' which has the 10 layers of plot technique and everything which you just mentioned to a lesser extent.

 

I'll look for it when I'm at my library next.