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ClaudeSpeedIV

My Chain Story

Recommended Posts

ArmyRaidFail404
Posted (edited)
3)Cut to Niko and Alessa getting back to his penthouse.
Niko and Alessa were in a brown Schafter heading back to Niko's penthouse. The path took them along a view where they could clearly see smoke rushing from an area that used to be owned by Playboy X - Niko, slightly stunned but also slightly dulled by the recent series of weird events in his life - turned to Alessa for some clarification.
Niko: Hey, you wouldn't happen to know why at this point half the district looks like its been turned to rubble, would you?
Alessa: No. What makes you say that?
Niko: I don't know. Something to do with the future...
Alessa: Lesson number deux, I can't give you too much information. And also, I wasn't even here when whatever happened.
Niko: But surely you know? I mean, after you get rescued or whatever happens?
Alessa: Oh yeah. Playboy tried to blow up your friends.
Niko: ....You know what? I'm not even f*cking surprised.
Niko turned on the radio to a Weazel News Broadcast. The news reporter seemed very frightened.
Reporter: Motherf*cker! This arab c*nt just crashed a helicopter and now his Dominican suicide bomber is threatening to blow up the city.
Host: Oh jeez. Wow. That's very colourful. You realise we have children on this show, asshole?
Reporter: THE F*CKING TERRORISTS ARE DOING TERRORIST SH*T! RUN FOR YOUR F*CKING LIVES!
Niko had to turn down the volume at the last bit.
Niko: And you didn't feel the need to mention this?
Alessa: Apparently that was supposed to be Luis and Yusef.
Niko: ...I'm still not impressed...
Suddenly two familiar names were uttered on the radio.
Host: Alright we have with us on the issue acting mayor Roman Bellic and Jenny something of the Equal Rights Group. Who cares about her last name cause she's a woman or something. (AN: I forgot her last name. Does she have one?)
Niko: Umm what?
Host: We'll start with you, Mr Mayor.
Roman: All I have to say is, F*cking Terrorists.
Host: What?
Roman: Terrorists, so what if there is a big scare? As long they don't attack our great bowling facilities.
Host: Hmmm, OK. How exactly are you mayor again?
Roman: Ah yeah. Bernie ran away. Said he couldn't deal with this sh*t again and he didn't want his alter ego to turn up or something. Who knows with that guy?
Host: Well we've certainly had worse to lead us through this catastrophe. Now, Jenny, what the f*ck is happening?
Jenny: The f*ck is that these POCs have had enough of your oppressive rule-
Host: Sorry, the transmission cut out or something. It wasn't deliberate.
Niko turned off the radio.
Niko: ....OK. Now I'm a bit concerned.
Alessa: What do you want to do?
Niko: What should I do?
Alessa: I can't tell you. It's a critical moment.
Niko: ...
Alessa: Basically the history isn't written up to this point. If I tell you to do something it would likely replace the univers-
Niko: OK. You just didn't want to answer the question. I guess we...
A] See what the hell Roman is up to.
B] Continue with our chicken date.
C] Get the f*ck out of town.
D] Try to find Luis.
E] Try to find Yeager.

Edited by ArmyRaidFail404

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Carbonox
Posted (edited)
A] See what the hell Roman is up to

They leave the Schafter in the parking spot, proceeding into the penthouse via elevator, as has been done so many times in the past.

 

Niko: Something's obviously f*cked up if they're choosing Roman to speak for them in the City Hall. We'd best check up on him an-

Roman: NIKO, MY COUSIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE!

Niko: What the-

Roman: WELCOME TO AME- uhh, your penthouse! *hugs Niko overwhelmingly*

Niko: Roman, what is going on?! You were on the radio a moment ago, how did you come here so quickly?

Roman: Whuh? On the radio?

Niko: Speaking about some terrorist attack in Star Junction?

Roman: Oh, right! Yes, that was me. But, this is - uhh, a bit difficult to explain...

Niko: What's going on? Why are there party banners and balloons everywhere all of a sudden?

Packie (coming out of nowhere): That's a bloody great question. It's because that penguin writer has been so damn lazy lately that this couldn't be shoe-horned into regular plot progression.

Niko: WHAT?

 

Suddenly the seemingly empty apartment erupts to life as people pop up from every possible nook and cranny, including Brucie from a trash can and Yeager from the toilet. Even though there's too many faces to recognize everyone in a short amount of time, Niko somehow knows that this is it - the ultimate party, with all of his former friends and enemies, dead and alive, in attendance. Party horns blare and confetti is thrown everywhere.

 

Roman: Surprise, cousin! Don't ever think we would've forgotten this!

Niko: I feel I've forgotten something for sure. It can't be my birthday, can it?

Packie: No! We're talking about-

Dwayne: Shush! Let Roman say it, he's the first person Niko knew in this city.

Roman: It's the tenth anniversary of your arrival!

 

More cheering from the crowd, followed by a group hug where very few really get in proper contact with Niko, but it doesn't bother them a lot - Niko hasn't had a lot of time to shower recently, after all, and the smell is pretty noticeable for anyone even in the far back.

 

Brucie: Hell yeah! NB still kicking ass like, like, like when he was stealing all those cars for me, and - and winning races like a champ!

Johnny: There's been some good times and some bad times, but I suppose we can get along just fine for this day here.

Luis: I got left in a pretty bad spot over there, so I guess this party's kind of a relief. Oh - and congrats to Niko, I suppose.

Mallorie: You've done plenty of good for a lot of us, don't ever doubt that.

Bernie: Niko, look! Bryce and I have adopted a baby! Kiss it for good luck!

Yeager: I'm your most established friend among the original characters, right? Here's to ten more glorious years!

Packie: Even though we kind of move at a snail's pace here-

Dwayne: Shut the f*ck up, Packie. Hey, Niko, thanks for, you know, choosing me over Playboy long ago. Even though death's not awfully final in this universe sometimes.

Niko: So how are all of you here anyway? What was Luis talking about?

Packie: Can't I get special permission to break the fourth wall just this once? It's real important.

Chester: Do it, but do it fast! I see all sorts of patterns closing in on me-

 

Packie: Right. *clears throat* The guy writing our lines right now always wanted to make this special episode, but because there hasn't been much progression to the plot, he decided to go for it by writing a sort of a... parallel universe setting. So this doesn't really fit anywhere in the plot, it's just an average celebratory episode like all that Christmas sh*t in sitcoms.

 

Niko: So what you mean to say is - this isn't really canonical, but you broke the canon for a special occasion?

Bryce: Wait, so our baby's not part of the canon? That stinks, man!

Packie (to Dwayne): It's alright... I f*cking hate babies...

Roman: You got it, cousin. I don't know if there'll be long term consequences for messing with the timeline like this, but it's not like we could just skip the party, right?

 

Niko looks around, pretty proud actually of what kind of parade of characters he's got to associate with over the years, even if some haven't been terribly nice. There's Gerry and Derrick downing whiskey while sitting on his bed and barfing it out every now and then (that better not be canon too, as he'd rather not clean up), Elizabeta with a reluctant-looking D'elroy sitting on her lap, Fortuna playing blackjack with Jacob and Badman, who are counting cards, Yusuf in a party hat dancing to Arab Money, Lynch singing a sh*tty rap song, Eagles Cabbie trying to overpower the former two with his own sh*tty cover of an Eagles song, and even a collection of Niko's old enemies - Vlad, Dimitri, Bulgarin, Pegorino, and the leaders of original gangs such as the Chupacabras, Mounties and Dingoes, but they appear to be playing nice for now and enjoying the party like ever before.

 

Roman: OK, let's play some party games! Everyone's familiar with 'Spin the Bottle', right?

Packie: Does the winner get to knee my brothers in the guts?

Roman: No, it's like, whoever the bottle points at has to kiss the one who spins it. Or was it the other way? Anyway, come on, need more ladies in here...

D'elroy: Wait, Niko, I forgot to tell you-

D'elroy tries to spring up from his awkward position, but Elizabeta pulls him back, enjoying it as if it were a game.

Elizabeta: You don't run off to smooch with any other ladies now, 'D'. You're all mine.

D'elroy: It's not that - Niko, there's one more guest on the way, and I don't think you need to guess-

D'arcy: Hi there, everybody! Aw... isn't it rude to start off without me?

 

The music abruptly stops, even if it's mostly just for drama. Niko knew who it was before she even opened his mouth. For a moment, the tough-as-nails adversaries have a little staring contest.

Niko: D'arcy O'Callahan.

D'arcy: Niko Bellic.

More silence. The staring contest intensifies, the two of them just about at the same level. It's as if D'arcy chose high heels that would precisely match Niko's height.

D'arcy: What? You thought I'd come here to assassinate you?

Niko: Well-

D'arcy: Because that would be, like, so not cool! Who would then be left to accept this teeny-tiny-little present that poor old D'arcy took so much effort to craft up?

Niko: Present?

D'arcy: Of course it's a present!

She shoves a gift box at Niko's face, wrapped entirely in pink and purple. Niko wouldn't expect anything less, although the fact it didn't explode into an acid bomb that would melt his face off was rather surprising. As he catches it in one of his hands to avoid dropping it, D'arcy jumps at him, which he at first mistakes for an attack, but really it's an over-enthusiastic hug.

D'arcy: Happy tenth anniversary! It's soooooo weird to think we had no idea of each other even existing back then, or even five years ago!

Niko: I suppose.

D'arcy: Aw, don't be a buzzkill! Just like New Year's, it's ceasefire time! Now remember to read the card too, or I'll attack you three seconds before the truce ends!

Niko: What about the gift, you want me to open it in front of all these people?

D'arcy: Noooooo, it's real personal! You better be on your own when you do, or else I'll know!

Niko: If you know, then what?

D'arcy: Do our vague games not get you excited in the slightest? Silly Niko, I'd claw some stripes on your face for being so boring if this wasn't the special party to end all special parties!

Roman: Come on, lady, uhh - let the rest of us have a piece of my cousin too, eh? We were about to, uhh, play, and if you'd be so kind-

D'arcy: You got party games? I love party games! Let's pin the tail on the donkey! Only I got a better version, where you need some really huge asshole, like Cam over there-

She points at Cam, who's been quietly masturbating in a corner, hoping nobody would look at him. He'd done such a good job so far...

D'arcy: And you pin some knives and - and all kinds of shiny sharp things on his waste of a body!

Cam: *yelps*

Niko: I'm surprised to say this, but I kind of agree.

Cam: W-what? Wait, Niko, I'm just a small-time antagonist! Look there! It's Pegorino and - and Dimitri and all those boys, they're the ones you want! I'm only comic relief!

Adult Alessa: The continuity I had to experience, all thanks to you, would disagree with that, you f*cking little scumbag.

 

Niko hadn't even realized that Alessa from the future, in a grown-up state, was still present too. It was as if she'd vanished when Roman greeted him, and re-appeared now to torment Cam.

 

Packie: This is where the next writer can decide if you want to stay with the half-assed special episode, or-

Dwayne: Don't go over the threshold! What if the damn Houser brothers find out?

Packie: F*ck the Housers, Dwayne. F*ck the whole dev team! Removing our music from a ten-year-old game like that!

 

1) The party-goers start torturing Cam in mutual agreement as the whole thing takes a dark turn.

2) Brucie accidentally drops Bernie and Bryce's baby 2 seconds after asking to hold it. The baby's wails distract the people enough for Cam to make a run to the fire escape.

3) Another special guest unexpectedly arrives.

4) The celebratory episode comes to an abrupt halt due to budget cuts, and we resume from where the 'real world' left off (see above post).

Edited by Carbonox

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