Westward

[Vercetti21]

The masked menace drew his Shofield in a blink. "Put the money in the bag," he demanded, his gruff voice muffled behind a tattered black bandana.

 

The early morning sunlight oozed through the dusty windows of Armadillo's general store. Herbert Moon trembled as he twisted the knob of the safe, feeling the cold nickel of the revolver against the back of his head. He loaded three month's worth of earnings into an open burlap sack and turned towards the mysterious gunman. "That's all of it."

 

The thief struck the man across the face with the gun barrel, grabbed the bag, and darted out the door. Mr. Moon's vision blurred as he fell to the floor moaning in pain, feeling the open gash at his temple beginning to leak with blood. He panicked. His wrinkled crimson fingers scurried along the wooden creaks in the floorboard in a desperate blind search for his lost spectacles. Across the room, he found them. His eyesight returned as he fixated the wire frame along the ridge of his nose. Severely weakened by the heavy blow to his head, he struggled to pick up his own body weight and stand to his feet. His ears rang out and the room spun chaotically.

 

In a dazed stagger, Moon grabbed his Winchester and pushed himself out the doors of his own shop. He scanned the desert ridge at the outskirts of town where vivid strokes of orange and purple light crept just above the horizon in pursuit of the dispersing night sky. The thief was nowhere to be seen. Moon clutched the rifle against his chest and dashed across the sleepy, barren town, his feet kicking up clouds of dust at each hopeless step. In the alleyway behind the saloon, he stopped to catch his breath. Blood soaked into his crisp white hair. His head throbbed in agony. He wanted to collapse.

 

And then he spotted him.

 

The thief ran westward into the fading darkness towards his mount just beyond the ridge. Moon hurriedly cocked his rifle and aimed.

 

The crack of the gunshot awoke the entire town. But Moon never pulled the trigger.

Edited October 17, 2010 by Vercetti21

[Canofceleri]

There were sentences that flowed very nicely, others that didn't, pretty standard. Really only stuff that will improve with time. I liked it though.

 

One suggestion, watch your descriptions and see if they make sense. To me, I appreciate little sensory details and descriptive words, but they should make sense. Sunlight doesn't seem to ooze, thick jellies ooze, fat pimples ooze puss, sunlight sort of shines or shimmers or cascades or falls or breaks through, etc.

 

Cool feel though.

[Tyler]

I like the RedDead FanFic style you put here. When I started readin 'Schofield' I thought to myself, 'why the hell would someone nowadays use a Schofield?' But you surprised me.

 

I like this, it's very interesting and it's a good introduction,