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Build Up Your San Andreas Gang


General Scrotum

Recommended Posts

 

Why was it in a PM exactly?  And not just posted here by the staff member?

I'd like to tell but someone's identity might be compromised.

 

EDIT: If you don't trust me, you can continue to rate them. I will not be mad or whatever.

 

EDIT 2: Rates have been deleted.

Edited by Secronom President
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Disgraceful~ Seventeen (17) chapters, in fact.

 

Slingaa~ Added to the Russian Mafia at Grey Imports.

 

Forelli_Boy~ Check in the first page. It is a Jail Break theme.

 

EDIT: I am still looking for one more staff member.

 

EDIT 2: All of these 17 chapters are Loco Syndicate members histories.

 

EDIT 3: May I ask to Forelli_Boy to help Omini with the ratings of my 16 other chapters? Let's say that Omini will do chapters 2 to 9 and Forelli_Boy 10 to 17.

 

EDIT 4:

Theme of the Week (TotW):

 

The theme for this week is "Jail Break". You must write a chapter on breaking out of a jail or getting a friend from outside helping you get out of prison.

 

If you write a chapter about getting out of prison by yourself (with help of prisoners), you get a bonus of $500.

 

If you write a chapter about someone from the outside freeing you, you gte the car used by your savors.

 

For both chapters, you get triple of the rate. So, if you earn $66, you earn, $198 since $66x3=$198.

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((This should hopefully end my 'briefing' chapters. Would like to order a 9mm, a Tec-9 and a Shotgun for $485, leaving me with $1115.))

 

Forelli Brothers

Chapter 1-2: Good Morning Las Venturas

 

The next day...

 

The morning after my little drop, I got called to Vito Agnese's office down in Atlantic Quays. I took a cab, as my bad shoulder wasn't exactly gonna make driving stick easy. I also wore a jacket to hide the swelling. The warehouse was particularly busy that morning, but the one thing I couldn't shake off was the fact that everyone seemed to notice me as I passed. I was pretty sure the jacket did a good job of hiding the shoulder, but it felt like it was sending out infrared signals or something to alert them to my presence.

 

Agnese looked pretty happy to see me though, and not in the usual condescending manner I'd known him for.

 

"You wanted to see me, boss?"

 

"Oh yeah, this is it. We're going back to Venturas. We're working a couple connections to set up a major deal at the end of the week," Agnese replied. "You're gonna be a part of it."

 

Were it not for my bad shoulder I would have sworn that was the biggest surprise to hit me all year. I leaned forward in my seat out of shock.

 

"You're serious? I'm gonna start in Venturas?"

 

"Well, not you technically. Richie's running things from the top there," Agnese then explained, a bit sarcastic to my surprise. "But you want your opportunity to move up, this is it long as nothing goes wrong."

 

"Nice," I smirked, "So when do I go?"

 

Agnese grinned and opened the drawer, pulling out a one-way ticket on Juank Air and hotel reservations. "Tonight. Carlo's already on his way there, he'll tell you more when you arrive."

 

I took the tickets and smiled. "Don't worry. I won't f*ck this up."

 

"Hey, Z?" he said just before I closed the door, "You really wanna convince your dad you're not just his precious little bambino, then please, really, don't f*ck this up."

 

Room 1214

The Visage, Las Venturas

 

The sound of the hotel room's phone ringing wasn't something I wanted to wake up to at 6:30 in the morning.

 

Of course, this was a room in a hotel on the Venturas Strip. Not quite the penthouse suite, but it had a nice view of the desert sunrise. That and the bed seemed to speed up my shoulder's healing. So I wasn't exactly grumbling when I opened my eyes.

 

"Mr. Zeno Forelli? This is your wake up call."

"Ah...okay, fine..." I couldn't recall ordering a wake-up call as soon as I checked in. My guess it was probably arranged, and the hell with that, it could afford to wait a bit.

 

"Also, there's a mister Carlo Lazzaro waiting for you in the lobby."

 

I took a long sigh. It was definitely arranged, and it couldn't wait. Out went any chance of getting back to sleep now.

 

"Yeah, I'll be right down."

 

I took out a dark-blue button-down and some jeans from my luggage before heading out. The hallway was quiet, almost peaceful as I locked the door behind me and headed toward the elevator. While waiting for the elevator to reach my floor, it slowly began to dawn on me that this was more than just an expansion deal.

 

We hadn't had any operations in Venturas since the 1990s, and we certainly didn't have much influence in Liberty City itself until 2001. My dad often liked to joke that we were the only folks in the state that ended the year better than we began.

 

That year, a lone assassin had killed off the leadership of the Leones, Yakuza and Colombian Cartel. This left an opportunity for the city's "lesser" gangs to expand out of their home turf, and for the next few months Liberty City was in chaos.

 

Only the Leones had anything resembling a contingency plan. Joey Leone was the appointed heir to the throne, but everyone had generally accepted that consigliere Toni Cipriani would pull the strings. And at least Joey knew how the business worked compared to Yuka Kassen, Kenji's "party-hard" daughter. And even that was better than not having any leadership at all, as the Cartel found itself barricading its mansions against the Southside Hoods.

 

My family had really been a 'crew' within the Leones since the gang war in '98. I forget whose bright idea it was to put the family ammo stash underneath the dead center of Fort Staunton, but he was probably buried with it under the rubble that was once our turf. We hadn't run operations in Venturas since 1992, when Salvatore Leone hired some gangsta from Los Santos to drive us and the Sindaccos out of town. Of course, the gangsta then proceeded to rob him, so we figured that was coming.

 

Even before that people referred to us - specifically, my dad and his siblings - as the Forelli Brothers. We'd really only started calling ourselves a 'family' after that, given that my dad Franco was the only 'brother' left after Uncle Mike got a Beirut Makeover outside the Saint Mark's Bistro.

 

In any event, Cipriani had decided to spin the family off into a separate operation - as weak as our operations were then - to at least put up the appearance that the Leones weren't alone in Portland. That was fine with us, as he also gave us the freedom to expand as long as we didn't intrude on Saint Mark's and the Red Light district, and dad answered directly to Toni Cipriani every now and then.

 

That was good enough for him, and damn if he didn't make the best of it. By the time the State had declared martial law (chaos being no laughing matter after the terrorism up in New Lancaster) we effectively controlled Atlantic Quays and shared the docks with the Leones. Soon we had bits of Trenton and Portland View. Family inpatients to Sweeney General Hospital didn't have to worry about the staff informing the police next door.

 

Unfortunately, that success didn't exactly rub off on me.

 

When it came to those 'things we did,' my dad put me under the care of his capo in Atlantic Quays, Vittorio Agnese. The most I ever did was grunt work, things like delivering hot cars and giving people 30-second facelifts. It's not that I wasn't good at it. It was more like he wanted me to get tired of it and retire while I was still young. And even after managing to pass high school, I couldn't exactly imagine myself doing anything else.

 

On the other hand, working for Agnese got me introduced to Carlo, and we quickly became partners-in-crime. Often times the asskickings we dealt made up for what we lacked in pay.

 

Now we all had the chance to regain what we'd lost and prosper for it. I certainly wasn't going to waste the chance to finally gain my father's respect as a member of the family, and if it involved rebuilding our influence in Venturas from the ground up, I'd do it.

 

Speaking of the ground floor, I could spot Carlo in the lobby as soon as the elevators opened. The expression on my face brightened.

 

"Carlo!"

 

"Z, great to see you," Carlo replied, the feeling obviously mutual. We hugged each other briefly before getting down to business. "How's your shoulder?"

 

"Still intact, don't wanna move it too much right now."

 

"You wanna go for breakfast or somethin'?"

 

"Sure, no problem," I replied. Even though the hotel lobbies didn't have quite as many cameras as the card tables, neither of us were about to get caught saying something we shouldn't. Not while we didn't have a stake in the Visage anyway.

 

We headed down to the garage, where Carlo pointed out his car. It was a late-model Elegant, in that kind of clichéd mobster shade of khaki that practically required us to have over-gelled haircuts and sleazy tracksuits. Not that we'd need them out here.

 

The daylight was much more blinding once we got out of the underground parking lot. Carlo was already prepared with sunglasses, I just shielded my eyes with my hand.

 

"Where we off to today, anyway?" I replied, looking out the window at the rest of the Strip.

 

"Gotta pick up some stuff at AmmuNation, then we get breakfast."

 

"Nice. I'm starving."

 

There was an AmmuNation store a few blocks off the Old Venturas Strip. We parked outside the store and went in, buying a pair of shotguns, a Tec-9 and an S&W pistol. Carlo also picked up a Desert Eagle he'd had on backorder since yesterday.

 

"Glad you boys are stocking up," the guns shop owner commented. "Y'hear, there was a big shootout near the V-Rock Hotel. Venturas' finest losing a whole squad to the Russian mob and some big foreign company."

 

"Bad guys..." Carlo replied, "Bad guys everywhere."

 

"Damn straight," the gun shop owner then added, getting more frustrated, "And now they wanna take away our ability to fight back with this Prop 191 bullsh*t? Hope and change my ass."

 

"Yeah well, that's the unwashed masses for you," Carlo then said, clearly not wanting to subject himself to any redneck ranting at the moment. The owner seemed to understand, instead placing an extra box of ammo for each of the guns we got on the table.

 

"Ah, what the hell. You boys are my biggest customers in weeks. Have some extra bullets on me, and if you encounter any of those commie f*cks, give 'em my full metal regards."

 

"No problem," Carlo replied with a smile before turning to me, "Grab the boxes, Z. Let's get somethin' to eat."

 

We stashed the guns and ammo in the trunk and headed further off the Strip. Morning rush hour had started to subside, and the area was busy all to its own. It almost seemed like a typical Midwestern city were it not for the glittering casino landmarks looming just behind us. And speaking of landmarks, the burger-in-crosshairs sign that signified a Burger Shot rose about a block away from the Visage. We parked there, headed inside and ordered some breakfast sandwiches.

 

After we took a seat, I finally asked him what we were all doing in Venturas.

 

"The gangs down in Los Santos have been getting real antsy for good coke and they're willing to pay top dollar along with selling off some of their excess weapons. They want the really good stuff and they want it fast."

 

Drugs had officially been 'off-limits' to the Families even before Prohibition. Yet there was this inescapable reality that the War on Drugs had created such a vast market that sooner or later we'd all be wetting our proverbial beaks in it.

 

"How we gonna get it to them?" I asked, my mouth full with what the Burger Shot signage assured was actual food from the breakfast sandwich.

 

"There's a supplier from South America, old military guy that got kicked out in some revolution. He gets a lot of stuff up to Liberty City through Vice City and wants to expand to the West Coast to replenish his funds."

 

"Why can't they just go over the river into Los Santos?"

 

"The border region's a warzone, which would be good if he didn't have two rivals controlling all the crossings and a country that's gone clean in the way. So he's gonna have 'em trucked in from Florida."

 

"Ah. Nobody expects them to come in FROM Venturas- wait a minute, Vice City, isn't that Vercetti's turf?"

 

"Yeah, but it's been, what, 20 years already? Once it's out of Vice City he doesn't give a f*ck what happens to it long as he's paid. Besides, the Colonel's an old friend of his."

 

Sonny was the first to try getting the Families into the narcotics trade. Unfortunately, he figured he could pass off all the work to a psycho he'd set up for a 15-year prison sentence. When push came to shove, his remains got delivered back to the Bistro in several small boxes. We pretty much silently accepted the reality after that, vowing never to get 'high on our own supply.'

 

"So, drugs for guns? What're we, CIA now?"

 

"Pretty much, your badge is in the glove compartment," Carlo chuckled as he finished off his sandwich. "Anyhow, the first truck is gonna arrive at the freight depot up town tomorrow. We bring the sh*t to Los Santos, then take the money and guns back up here. All goes well, we can set up a steady route."

 

"And maybe dad won't think I'm a kid," I grumbled.

 

"Hey, don't be like that," Carlo replied, "He's family as much as he's family. I remember my mom was like that before she died."

 

"Eh, you're right. So what'll we do while waiting for the trucks?"

 

Almost on cue, Carlo pulled out his cellphone to answer a message.

 

"That's a good question," he replied with a smile, "We should go ask Richie."

 

TO BE CONTINUED

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New Rule:

 

 

7. If you want to switch gang, you can bring one of your previous gang items with you. Note that your previous gang will still own a copy of the item. In other words, your new gang and your previous one will both have the item.

EDIT: As I can get the bonusses for the 10th and 15th chapters, I will take an SMG and a Gallon of Love Juice.

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Sorry to be a pain in the arse, but could I change to the Sindacco Family at the Counterfeit Chips Factory please. I didn't realise you could carry on with your stories from the last edition, so I'll be doing that. Also I'd like to bring the PCJ-600 with me icon14.gif

 

Chapter I

6th July, 1989

 

Who am I? I’m Tommy Mancini and I’m just a Vietnam Veteran slash low-life criminal. I was born back in ’56 to gutter-poor Sicilian parents, who owned a shop in the Red Light District. Tommy put his head down and avoided crime; until he was 17. His parents couldn’t afford the protection money they owed the Triads, so they torched the store. Tommy’s parents were killed, and he bottled up his hate. Later that year, he was arrested for grievous bodily harm upon a loudmouth Triad.

 

Instead of prison, he was sent to serve in the Vietnam War. After the war, the government let Tommy off the rest of his prison sentence, after he bravely rescued five men. But the war changed him. Tommy was a different man; he was stronger and even more dependent. He then moved to San Andreas, thinking things would be different. How wrong he was.

 

Tommy moved to Los Santos and began to sell stolen goods. In 1988, Tommy went to visit Las Venturas, and got into a fight in a casino, and was scouted by a Sindacco capo, Vinnie Sindacco. Tommy was offered a fair-paying job guarding the Sindacco Counterfeit Chips factory. He accepted, and his new, better life began.

 

“Forelli’s,” announced Vinnie Sindacco, a very tall balding man with some grey hair. He was wearing his usual black suit. “Stay alert, boys!”

 

He then ushered Tommy to come with him and talk to the Forelli’s. Three Forelli Exsess cars pulled up on the factory car park. A man Tommy knew to be Giorgio Forelli emerged from the middle car, accompanied by two huge bodyguards. He was the new Underboss of the Forelli Family, with Franco Forelli being the Don.

 

“Back those cars up, Giorgio. You may stay, but I see no need for the other two cars,” said Vinnie sharply.

 

“I’d rather them to stay, thanks. Your men are… how can I put it?” replied Giorgio. “Unpredictable.”

 

Luckily, Tommy had just remembered the code whenever Vinnie was in trouble. If he were to tap his foot twice, then Tommy should attack.

 

“Get to the point. We know you’re not here for a chat.”

 

“Yes; well Franco isn’t happy with your little operation. He is worried that some of your chips may float into the Visage. And we’d rather not take a risk on that.”

 

“Well, I’m sure we can come up with some sort of agreement, eh?” said Vinnie.

 

Before Giorgio could reply, he tapped his foot lightly on the floor twice. Tommy took his loaded Desert Eagle from his jacket pocket and smashed it into Giorgio temple in one swift movement. His skin split and blood poured out, momentarily stunning him. Vinnie finished him off with a hefty punch to the jaw, knocking him unconscious. Tommy fired off two bullets into the head of each guard, which instantly cost them their lives.

 

The Forelli goons in the cars got out and opened fire upon the factory. Vinnie turned around, ran into the factory and shouted to his men:

 

“Defend the factory, but DO NOT kill Giorgio!”

 

Tommy clambered upon a pile of shipping containers, before helping Vinnie to cover. He proceeded to open fire on the Forelli intruders, picking off as many as he could. The Sindaccos were losing men, fast. The Forellis were better armed and had a plan of action. One Forelli goon rescued Giorgio from the hail of bullets falling around the factory car park. He drove off with him and was replaced by reinforcements. They were pushing into the factory and the Sindaccos were falling back out of cover. Tommy hid behind the shipping container and waited for all of the attackers to enter the factory.

 

When they did so, Tommy jumped off the container and ran over to the main gate. He slammed it shut and locked it, preventing Forelli backup and any escape, Sindacco or Forelli. Tommy took cover behind some boxes and spotted just four Forelli raiders left. One of them had Vinnie in a chokehold, and Tommy assumed he was going to kill him. He fired off a few bullets at each of the Forelli’s, but missed the one choking Vinnie. He ran off towards the stairs that lead to the roof.

 

Tommy chased after him, determined to kill the f*cker. He met him at the top of the stairs, holding a gun towards the bottom of the stairs. He was too slow; Tommy roundhouse kicked him in the hand, disarming him. Tommy then tackled him to the ground and then dangled him over the wall.

 

“I’m gonna ask you a couple of questions, and you’re gonna answer them like a good boy,” Tommy told him, shoving his face closer to the hard ground.

 

“Was this a hit to kill Vinnie Sindacco?”

 

“I ain’t telling you nothing!” yelled the Forelli loudly.

 

“What? Not high enough for you? You might not die if you fell off here, but I guarantee you that you’re legs would snap.”

 

The Forelli’s left arm slipped from Tommy’s grasp and punched him square in the nose. Tommy stumbled back and pulled out a large combat knife. He shoved it quickly into his neck and the Forelli began to gurgle and spit out blood.

 

“Guido f*ck,” spat Tommy, sending a kick towards his balls. The Forelli stumbled backwards and fell off the factory roof. Upon landing, his legs instantly broke and the blade in his neck was pushed right through and out the other side. He was left with a gaping hole in his neck and snapped legs.

 

Chapter II

7th July, 1989

 

“Show ‘em again how you did it, Tommy!” exclaimed Rocco Valentino.

 

Rocco was an Italian-American associate with the Sindacco’s. He was medium-height, skinny, looked and dressed like Tony Curtis. He was booksmart, streetsmart and handy with a handgun.

 

Tommy sighed, shrugged his shoulders and re-enacted the events of the day before when he sliced the Forelli man’s neck open.

 

Rocco, Vinnie, Trigger and Jackie burst out laughing. Tommy was sitting around Vinnie’s hospital bed, attempting to cheer him up.

 

“Tommy you ice cold killer!” Vinnie replied to his story, “thanks again for driving me to the hospital, Tommy. But I don’t know if I’m going to last too long…”

 

“f*cking hell, Vin’, it was only a shot to the leg at pretty long range. A couple of days bed rest, and you’ll be fine mate,” yelled Trigger in his this cockney accent.

 

Trigger was a Soldier in the Sindacco Family and was built like a brick sh*thouse. He was a fighter, but was lacking in the brains department. He had immigrated to San Andreas from the east end of London back in 71’.

 

“Sorry I’m late Uncle Vinnie, dad sends his wishes,” greeted a man wearing a tracksuit, waltzing in.

 

It was Johnny Sindacco, underboss of the whole Sindacco Family. Tommy had never met him, but he wanted to. If Johnny Sindacco came to see you, it meant either one thing. You were in for a beating, or you were in for a promotion.

 

“No worries, Johnny. Thanks for coming to see me, pal,” replied Vinnie, wiping his eyes from Tommy’s tale.

 

“How you feelin’, Uncle Vinnie?” asked Johnny.

 

“I’ve been better, but Trigger has assured me I’ll be fine,” said Vinnie cheerfully.

 

“Good, good,” uttered Johnny. “So this is the guy that saved the factory and Vinnie?”

 

“Heh, I suppose so, Mr. Sindacco,” Tommy replied modestly.

 

“You have my personal thanks, and my father sends his regards. But I’ve got a job for you. If this situation with the Forelli’s escalates into a full-scale war, we’re gonna’ need to be ready. There’s a weapons truck headed for San Fierro, hijack it and bring it back to the factory. There’ll be a promotion to Soldier in it for you.”

 

Tommy’s heart lurched. Soldier? He’d never been anything more than a street thug; it seems his new life had really begun. Tommy got himself together and tried to act cool.

 

“Of course, Mr. Sindacco, should I take these guys too?”

 

“Yeah, but not Vinnie!” exclaimed Johnny jokingly. The room burst out laughing, obviously putting it on. “Call me Johnny; you’re family now.”

 

Johnny winked to him and Tommy left with Rocco, Trigger and Jackie. Jackie was a tall, brown haired man who was apparently a very good driver, so it seemed he’d be driving the truck back. The four set off to hijack the truck, filing into two Buffalo cars. They planned to hijack it in the desert, where nobody would see. And if they did, they’d have no clue who it was.

 

“So, Jackie, what’s your story?” asked Tommy. It’d be a long drive and he wanted to get to know his crew.

 

“Nothing special, really; lived in San Andreas all of my life. My father, an Italian, won a lot of money playing blackjack in Venturas, so he split up with my mother and traded her in for a newer model and I can’t say I blame him. She was a real bitch. So I went to live with him, joined the Sindacco’s a few months back, and here I am now.”

 

Tommy nodded in acknowledgement.

 

“What about you, Tommy?”

 

Tommy hated telling his life story. He was always rejoiced with tales of fame and fortune by other mobsters. And what did he have to say? His immigrant parents were burned to death and disgraced by filthy chinks and he was sent to get shellshock just for defending his honour.

 

“Not much to tell really, pal. Born in Sicily and moved to Liberty when I was about 4. Mom and dad opened a shop, only for it to be burned down by f*cking chinks and for them to be murdered. Anyway I beat up the Triad who did it and got sent to serve in Vietnam. Got out and joined the Sindacco’s.”

 

Half an hour later, they had spotted the large, rusty truck bearing the Ammu-Nation logo. The two Buffalos pulled up along side the speeding truck. They maintained the same speed and Tommy opened the car door and jumped courageously onto the truck. He swung the cabin door open and the quickly threw the stunned driver out onto the cold, hard desert road. Tommy stopped the truck, and the two Buffalos stopped with him.

 

The atmosphere was perfect for the heist. They were in the middle of the desert on a narrow road surrounded by desert dirt. The only thing to be heard was the sound of vultures crowing from the distance. They were at least two miles away from any civilization whatsoever, so nobody would hear the imminent shot.

 

“Jackie, start up the truck and I’ll go make sure the driver’s dead,” commanded Tommy. “Rocky, Trigger, good job. Keep up the good work on the way back. You two go and have a look see what we’ve scored ourselves.”

 

Tommy swaggered up to the dazed driver who was knocked out cold. He drew his Desert Eagle, said a quick word expressing how sorry he was and cocked back his pistol. Suddenly, the driver came around and grabbed onto Tommy’s leg. Like all Ammu-Nation workers, he was armed. The driver pulled out a 9mm, but Tommy stamped on his hand with his free leg and aimed at his head. Tommy fired off two bullets, instantly piercing his flesh and spurting blood everywhere.

 

“Woah, what the f*ck is this?!” exclaimed Trigger loudly.

 

Tommy rushed over to see what all the commotion was about. Trigger held up a bag of white powder and Tommy’s heart rate went right down.

 

“It’s only cocaine, Trig. Don’t they have that in England or something?” joked Tommy, hopping on board to have a look what else was on the truck.

 

“No, Tommy, no mate. These white specks, they ain’t normally in coke,” replied Trigger calmly.

 

Tommy went in for closer inspection. True, there were quite large, jet black specks scattered around the powder.

 

“I've seen that before!" Tommy exclaimed. "That's SPANK, that is. I've seen it around Liberty City, but never here in San Andreas. This must be about two ounces, that'll sell for a fortune!"

 

Ecstatic, Tommy opened up the crates, to find they were filled with AK-47s. Enough to arm the whole gang; it seems the tables would turn on the Forelli – Sindacco situation.

Edited by Slingaa
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Slingaa~ Gang switched, PCJ-600 added and $200 of compensation for your two chapters.

 

UNRATED69~ Weapons and vehicle added.

 

EDIT: Do you still want to be staff (Slingaa)?

 

EDIT 2: I don't want to be bad or anything but could you guys hurry up with the ratings?

 

EDIT 3: If I want to switch gang before my chapters are rated, what will happen?

 

EDIT 4: Woah! It is the first time I see no post at night.

 

EDIT 5: I hope to see some rates when I wake up tomorow.

Edited by Secronom President
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Hooooooooookay. 9 chapters to rate for my very first action as BUYG staff. This is hazing, I tell you. cryani.gif

 

Seriously though, I don't exactly live where everyone else does and I had college today. That and it's NINE CHAPTERS.

 

Will do my best to suppress my inner canon-Nazi (e.g. that bit about Kendl and Cesar already having a kid a year before the game began) and climb this wall of text. Hopefully this thing won't crumble from the weight of all these tags. I'm not going to go through every single mistake, just some select ones before issuing your paycheck.

 

Chapters 10-12 - The Bounty and the Drug Buy

 

I liked the whole action-packed car chase bit. I figured Allan McDermott would be a little more scared to be suddenly plucked from his escort to hand back to the corporation that put the bounty out on him. The section about delivering him back to the Corporation seemed like one big wall of text, you could at least segment that to each of the different aspects of the delivery and return.

 

You could have added a bit more 'tension' to the drug buy, obviously the boss of the Russian Mafia wouldn't have been happy to see the guy that killed a bunch of his men. Or he wouldn't have known that your character was part of that action, at least when he bought the drugs. Vladimir could have just asked if he had anything to do with Allan McDermott going missing for example.

 

Chapter 10

Gonna 'correct' select paragraphs from here, the hell if I'm gonna go through all this.

 

Paragraph 1:

*we caught up to a fleet of limousines, escorted by another fleet of cars full of MacDermott's bodyguards. *There were three options.

 

Paragraph 2:

*We asked a few passersby if they'd seen a gold limousine, but nobody saw anything. It wasn't our lucky day after all.

 

Last paragraph:

*The other day, late in the night, a BUYSAG Corporation helicopter arrived to extract us which seemed to surprise Allen. He hesitated to climb aboard the Cargobob and after a few seconds he had came aboard. *The following night, the BUYSAG Corporation sent a helicopter to extract us. Allen was apparently uncooperative, but we got him onboard.

 

Chapter 11

The good new was; we were close, and the bad one; we started to get attacked by some Russians with military helicopters, which I supposed they stole, and Rocket Launcher, which I supposed they stole too. We stood in the air for five minutes when the helicopter started going in flames. I parachuted, followed by McDermott, Shell and Blackman and the pilots.

 

The good news: this was a short flight. The bad news? The Russians came after us with a fleet of very likely stolen attack helicopters. Despite some good flying they set our helicopter ablaze in minutes. Fortunately, we all managed to bail out, parachuting down with our bounty still in hand.

 

The pilot and the co-pilot stayed at the BUYSAG Corporation base and we headed to El Corona at Cesar’s house happy to show him we passed the mission with a little bonus. When we arrived, Cesar and some Aztecas, were waiting for us armed heavily with a crate with the sign of cash on all of its side.

 

The pilots checked back in at the BUYSAG Corporation base while we went on ahead to El Corona, pleased at having kept our bounty target as a bonus. Cesar and a group of Aztecas were there to greet us with what was quite literally a crate full of cash.

 

Chapter 12

For the bits with Russian, you can simply drop the Cyrillic altogether and just put what they really mean in italics beforehand and say that was in Russian probably for the first instance. This usually denotes that they're speaking in a foreign language. For example,

 

“Этот парень!” another one said drawing the attention of all of them towards me.

“Yes, I am the guy,” I said in English to see they didn’t know what I meant.

“И вам сказать, что он является русский?” said another one meaning, “And you say he is Russian”.

 

Becomes...

 

"Hey, look!" another one said in Russian, drawing everyone's attention toward me.

"Yes, I'm the guy," I replied in English so they wouldn't know what I'd just said.

"Are you really a Russian? another one asked.

 

Finally, that bit about "we would start to manage and create the gang called..." really leaves the reader hanging. We know what gang you're in, but if this is how your character founded the gang then it wouldn't really hurt to mention that they called it the Loco Syndicate.

 

Chapter 13

 

OH BOY HERE WE GO.

 

Speaking of Nazis, you don't have to say "Hitlerian." Gangs like these are often just referred to as "neo-Nazis."

 

He left my room with the biggest smile of the man history. = He left the room with quite possibly the biggest smile in the history of mankind.

 

Then I heard and saw some trucks called Packers arriving to deliver us our Moonbeams and our Brass Knuckles we’ve been waiting for. The Moonbeams were painted black like Blackman asked to them at the cell phone and the Brass Knuckles too, to add some fantasy.

Feels like I'm reading John Freeman here.

 

A group of Packer trucks arrived carrying the Moonbeam vans we requested, all painted black to Blackman's request. There was a box full of brass knuckles, for added effect.

 

They both quitted my chamber and I started to read the last document which was short too. Here’s what was written on the document:

 

Both of them left me to read the last document, which was also short..

 

There are a LOT of areas you go into a bit too much detail about, for example, General Manning's Diary. I know it's a background story and all but you can afford to make it more, shall we say, "movie-sized" for our readers. Include only the most important details and summarize the rest. Or if you're planning to make more chapters, you could have tried spreading the details around a bit with that nice little hint at hidden packages:

 

This is the part one of my diary. If you want to know more, just look for them around San Andreas. Beware, that they are well defended, though.

 

Which, given that this is supposed to be a top-secret document, could have gone something like...

The diary ended there, the rest apparently torn out or missing. I would have to scour San Andreas from top to bottom to get the rest, and that meant getting past some very powerful people.

 

Chapters 14-17: The Jailbreak

 

 

I like how you introduced Manning, though given this is the Loco Syndicate I was actually expecting Mike Toreno. Not quite sure what a General(!) is doing helping out a guy like him take over a police station. Maybe he's retired?

 

I doubt he'll be sleeping well knowing that Jonny Lewis is out there...

 

Chapter 15

When I woke up, the other day, with a big headache which I supposed was because of my reading from the other day, I prepared myself something to eat and joined the others outside.

 

I woke up the next morning with my head aching from all the reading I did the previous night. I headed outside for some fresh air after breakfast.

 

Chapter 16

I tried to say something but before I could open my mouth I got caught by an unpleasant wound; a 9mm bullet in the right feet.

 

I opened my mouth to say something, but before anything came out I caught a bullet in my right foot.

 

Chapter 17

 

We killed the one who shot at me to see, right after, some reinforcement arriving. We took cover behind our Moonbeams and the shootout broke over.

 

More reinforcements arrived right after we took out the first guy. We took cover behind the Moonbeams and all hell broke loose.

 

At 21 o’clock = At 2100 hours. And isn't that before your timestamp on the chapter?

 

 

The Receipt

 

I'll give you $576 for the whole set, amounting to $64/chapter. Of course, that's before the bonuses.

 

ToTW bonuses are $500 for getting out, the Moonbeam as that was the car Jason got into on the way out, and $54x2 chapters x 3 bonus = $324.

 

Total money is $1400 for 14 chapters. That's like getting a perfect $100/chapter anyway, you busy, busy boy, you. dontgetit.gif

Edited by Forelli_Boy
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Not bad on your first rating. Glad to have you on the staff.

 

Uh guys, why am I not on the staff list name? Did I do something wrong to have my name taken out? sad.gif

 

I'll be joining the Leone Family at the casino. Here's my first chapter.

 

 

 

user posted image

 

 

This first chapter is meant for The Leone Family. It may continue on from my Triads chapter that was in V2.

 

 

Chapter 1

May He Rest In Peace

 

”My papa is dead.” I dropped my phone in disbelief. Joey Leone called me while I was busy working at his garage. It was truly unbelievable as the man who once saved me from my abusive father was now dead. I hung up a phone and said a prayer to god, “God, he may be a man full of sins but he did had a heart. May Salvatore Leone rest in peace.”

 

As I attended back to repairing a car, I remembered the good ol’ days when he was still alive. I had a flashback that occurred in the year 1990. My father was a made man in the Leone Family but I despised him very much. Every night he would come home drunk as a skunk and I would be forced to take care of him. My mother had already passed away at that time and I was thankful for it. If my mother were to see how he was back then, she would probably kill herself.

 

Every single day I had to withstand the abuse from my father. He would always kick me around even if I did nothing. Then one fateful day, Salvatore came to visit our home. He had another man with him and I suspected something was amiss. My father looked worried and locked me inside the room. Salvatore was curious of this action and he ordered my father to unlock my room. What he saw was a little bruised boy sitting quietly alone in the corner.

 

He approached me and said, “I see you’re in pain.”

 

I did not say a word, fearing my father would beat me even more.

 

He continued on talking, “Did your father do this to you?”

 

I nodded and my father got furious. He marched right over to me and gave me one big slap for nodding. Salvatore pulled out a gun and pointed it at him. The other man grabbed him by the arms and my father got confused, “What is the meaning of this, Don?”

 

Salvatore placed the gun on a table right beside me and wrapped his hands around my father’s throat, “You my friend, is responsible for the loss of the many of my men. You betrayed me by going to the FBI!”

 

He let go his gripped on my father and spat on him. My father tried explaining himself nervously, “I f*cking had to, the feds were going to arrest me for murder. So I f*cking had to!”

 

Salvatore looked at me again and forced my father to look at me. He shouted at the top of his lungs, “Look at this boy! See what you’ve done to him!”

 

My father gave a chuckled and moaned out, “Who gives a f*ck about this little piece of sh*t?”

 

Hearing that line from him changed my whole life. I then started to realize that I had no family. My father doesn’t even love me. I got up and immediately took the gun from the table. I pointed it towards my dad and pulled the trigger multiple times. I was in rage as I couldn’t believe that my own father would say such a thing to me.

 

He was already moaning out in pain on the floor but I shot him again as I was not satisfied with his death. Once the clip got empty, there was silence and a pool of blood. I somehow felt relieved to have such a douchebag gone. I killed my own father.

 

Salvatore was just staring at me to his amazement. He got down on his knees and asked me, “What’s your name boy?”

 

I replied, “Vito Carlucci, my father was a scumbag.”

 

“Welcome to the family, Vito.” He said it, with a smile. From then on, I earned my respect throughout the family and became a Sgarrista, a made member that is like a foot soldier whom carries out the business of the family.

 

Fast forward 11 years later and here I was wearing a suit for Salvatore’s funeral. Joey was already waiting for me outside of my house with his Sentinel. I waved at him through the window and got out of my house.

 

As I close the door, I looked up into the sky and said a prayer again, “May he rest in peace.”

 

 

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I think you should add the Zaibatsu Corporation. I just had a look at GTA 2 gangs, and they look f*cking awesome.

 

And if you're worried about them clasing with the III era, they were featured in GTA III if you didn't already know.

 

Could I sell my Huntley and Washington and buy an AK-47 please. Story will be up tomorrow, if not tonight.

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Hehe. I had the Zaibatsu in my second story. Did you happen to notice Jerkov (the character I'm playing in my story) is also the leader of the Russian Mafia in GTA 2 (which takes place in 2013)?

 

Edit: Oh, and I'll rate the rest of SP's first few chapters tomorrow probably. Been relatively busy the past 2 days

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Not bad on your first rating. Glad to have you on the staff.

 

Uh guys, why am I not on the staff list name? Did I do something wrong to have my name taken out? sad.gif

You didn't do anything bad. I wanted to refresh the roster of our staff members. If you want to be staff, I can add you.

 

Me too. It's only is first rating and he is already an expert. Congrats'!

 

EDIT: I will think about adding the Zaibatsu Corporation. Their properties have to be in San Andreas though.

Edited by Secronom President
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Chapter III

10th July, 1989

 

“You’re under arrest, you guinea f*ck!” yelled the policeman.

 

He rammed Tommy to the floor, making him head butt it, hard. Tommy yelped in pain and tried to escape the officer’s grip before he handcuffed him. But it was too late; he had already cuffed him. The police officer was a bald, medium-height, African-American man with a moustache.

 

“’The f*ck did I do?!” exclaimed Tommy, who was being stood up by a second police officer. He was a tall, chubby man with short blonde hair.

 

“We’ll talk about that later,” said the second policeman.

 

The two grabbed Tommy by his brown leather jacket and took him from his apartment and threw him into a police car. Tommy smacked his head on the roof and yelled out in a mixture of pain and anger.

 

“Oops, watch your head, Thomas!” laughed the first officer.

 

The second officer laughed mechanically; he was obviously his lapdog.

 

“So, Frank, what’re we taking him down with? Coke? Heroin? Meth?” asked the second police officer.

 

“Hmm, we’ll let Tommy decide,” replied Frank. “What do you think, boy?”

 

“f*ck you, ni**er!”

 

“Just for that, I’ll give you a little of all three,” said Frank, throwing three quite large bags of each drug.

 

The pair laughed manically and drove from his Prickle Pine house towards the Las Venturas Police Department.

 

“What the f*ck have I done now?” asked Tommy angrily, trying to wriggle his way out of the handcuffs. Of course, he failed.

 

“Well, we know that you hijacked that truck in the desert, but we don’t have any evidence. So, we’re taking you down for possession of three class A substances,” replied Frank, “clever, huh?”

 

Tommy sighed and realised he was powerless. A short while later, the three arrived at the LVPD Headquarters. The white cop threw Tommy out of the cruiser and dragged him inside the Police Department by the scruff on his neck.

 

“Nice work, Eddie,” complimented Frank, waltzing into the building.

 

Inside they were met by a stick-thin, but attractive receptionist.

 

“Good morning, Officer Tenpenny,” greeted the receptionist.

 

“Hello, Melanie. Found this kid with three class A drugs. Three!” chuckled Frank Tenpenny.

 

“We’re taking him into custardy, take a note of it,” said Eddie sharply.

 

“Of course, Officer Pulaski,” replied Melanie sarcastically.

 

Pulaski threw him into a cold, dirty cell. Tommy fell to the floor and waved goodbye to the two officers.

 

“Fat f*ck…” remarked Tommy, dusting himself off.

 

“What was that, kid?!” exclaimed Pulaski, unsheathing a nightstick. He hit Tommy around the head, hard and he was knocked out instantly.

 

Some time later, Tommy came around. He was woken by the sound of gunfire. He got to his feet rapidly, but didn’t know what to do. The screams of police officers echoed around the scummy, cold halls. Tommy heard footsteps. A shadow of a man emerged from the corridor, a shotgun resting on his shoulder. Tommy was speechless. Did this man hold his demise, or his freedom?

 

The man got out a blade saw and revved it up, not uttering a word. He cut into the flimsy steel bars with ease, and within moments he was free. Tommy got a glimpse at his saviour’s face, and was lost for words.

 

“Frank? Frankie, is that you?!” Tommy yelled, astonished.

 

“Long time no see, eh, Tommy boy?” replied Frankie.

 

The two broke out into a brief, manly hug.

 

“Come on, pal, let’s get out of here.”

 

Tommy complied and followed Frankie to the exit. Many dead bodies were propped up against walls, covered in blood. They got out, and jumped into his glossy, silver Intruder.

 

Could you add the Intruder please, for the bonus.

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EDIT: I will think about adding the Zaibatsu Corporation. Their properties have to be in San Andreas though.

They can own the 3 major hospitals. One in Los Santos, one in San Fierro and one is Las Venturas. Since they're a pharmaceutical company, then they can be linked to hospitals. Unless of course you know off hand of pharmacies scattered around San Andreas.

 

But again, they aren't solely in San Andreas, and this is "BUYSAG"... As awesome a gang as they are in GTA 2, they just aren't in San Andreas. If someone really wants them in, they can make them after their 10th post. But I don't mind either way what you decide.

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mrpain~ What can I say for this chapter? It is a magnificient one! I spotted two errors.

 

You my friend, is responsible....".

 

There was no need to add a comma.

 

"I somehow felt relieved to have such a douchebag gone."

 

Douchebag is not one word but two; douche bag.

 

For this chapter, you get $89.

 

~Cheers, Secronom President (SP)~

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Douchebag is not one word but two; douche bag.

Douchebag is one word. Google it.

Haha you dont know how hard I lol'ed over this douchebag error.

 

Next time, I will just use douche instead

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And the comma in the dialogue is fine too. Commas in dialogue indicate a small break in speech, usually used for the likes of suspense and what not.

 

 

Example would be like in CSI Miami, H Caine talking, "You sir, *puts on glasses* are responsible."

 

And douchebag is one word when it's an insult. The only time it's two words is when you're talking about a bag... of douche.

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Also, in Chapter II, I bought two ounces of SPANK, so could it be added please?

 

And could I buy Molotovs for $5 please.

Edited by Slingaa
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I'll add the weapon and the drug right now.

 

...This rating sucked really hard. I guess I should only update the main board and recruit a new staff member?

 

EDIT: I am switching gang to the Secronom Crime Family. The cash from my chapters (not rated ones) is still going to be added to the Loco Syndicate.

 

EDIT 2: I think we should reset the rates to $50.

Edited by Secronom President
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I'll rate a few more chapters of Secronom President's.

 

 

 

Secronom President

Chapter 2:

Paragraph 2, "...a little deep in Downtown San Fierro, in San Fierro."  - No need to tell us that downtown San Fierro is in San Fierro.  Not getting penalised for that though.

 

A very short chapter with no mistakes that I picked up on.  Though it was just an informative chapter, it earns you $45

 

Chapter 3:

Paragraph 1, "He’s having a cabin near Angel Pine." - he's having a cabin?  like, sexually?  I can only guess you either mean "He's got a cabin..." or "He has a cabin".  Unless it's Mexican talk.

Paragraph 1, "I want you to pay him, for it, with the $500." - No comma.  Just simply, "I want you to pay him for it,"

Paragraph 3, "He continued" - You opened quotations when he wasn't speaking.

Paragraph 7, "to walk away right after leaving me alone." - This confused me.  I can only guess it's meant to read something like, "he continued to walk away"... I'll not get in to details with how he'd have to walk away in order to leave you alone.

Paragraph 11 (w/ dialogue), "I looked at him, shaked his hand" - shook*

Paragraph 13 (w/ dialogue), "“I am D-Bone Mendez the son of T-Bone Mendez." - After the first Mendez should have a comma as 'the son of T-Bone Mendez' is added information.

Paragraph 16 (w/ dialogue), "“Calm donw… " - down*

Paragraph 26, "Quickly, without knowing was I was doing" - what*

Paragraph 28, "I walked back to Shady Cabin and got in" - Back to the Shady Cabin?  Or back to the vehicle?

 

A good chapter.  A few mistakes.  $71.

 

Chapter 4:

Paragraph 1, "Each cars had four doors" - car*

Paragraph 1, "...when the tires breaking sound stopped." - "tires breaking" unnecessary, "when the sound stopped" would suffice because you've already described what the sound was

Paragraph 3, "Duff “Though” Doughnut" - Not a mistake because it's a name, but more a question, do you mean Tough instead of Though?

Paragraph 6, "they though I was a Vagos" - thought*

Paragraph 6, "told me that there were small group of" - a small group*

Paragraph 6, "I proposed them to join us at one condition" - on*

Paragraph 6, "...Hideout on the wets side of Mount Chilliad." - west*

Paragraph 9, "...only to learn a bad new" - bad news*

Paragraph 10, "we separated us." - the 'us' was unnecessary.

Paragraph 12, "He leaded us inside" - led*

Paragraph 13, "...leader of the Mfia in Whetstone" - Mafia*

Paragraph 14, "Then some shoots and a dying scream" - shots*

Paragraph 17, "One of them told me a good new" - good news*

Paragraph 17, "in seek of the help of the help of the Leone Mafia Family" - in search of help from the Leone Mafia Family*

Paragraph 22, You said none of your helpers died, then you said members of the helping gangs died.  You should re-read that paragraph and determine which is which.

 

 

A very confusing chapter.  You should have pointed out with a sub-title the switch between the perspective of D-Bone and T-Bone.  Loads of silly minor mistakes that would have been avoided had you proof read it a little harder.  $32.

 

 

Now I need to take another break from this.

Secronom President earns $148

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As my second gang, could I join the Da Nang Boys at the Easter Basin Docks please?

 

There, could I buy molotovs and sell a 9mm, Buccaneer and a Mañana please.

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I added the cash ($148) to the Loco Syndicate.

 

I think we should make a rule to restrain people from joining more than two gangs.

 

Slinjaa got added to the Da Nang Boys at the Easter Basin Docks.

 

I'll add the weapon and vehicles later.

 

Should we return to the original BUYG (rules, guidelines, gangs etc...)? I'm not saying to quit this topic and return on the original BUYG but returning to the original BUYG style.

Edited by Secronom President
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