"Don't hurt me, again"

[Katalix]

[[ I frequently find myself writing short stories, well, in my head. I simply don't have the time to write it on paper. What you're about to read is based on a true story. Everything I write is based on my life, past experiences and such. I only got three chapters into this, then gave up, I couldn't force myself to finish it, only because I didn't like the ending.

 

I wrote this last year when I was possibly 12, but I'm pretty sure I was still 13. I myself always fancied literature. If this recieves positive feedback, I will definetely pick this story up, and continue on writing it.

 

I know it isn't the best story you have ever heard, but I was only twelve, thirteen at the time when I wrote this.

 

I am open to all forms of criticism.

 

The only reason I posted this, was because I am meeting up with the same girl tomorrow, after almost a year of not talking to her. I uncovered this story in the deep, dark depths of my hard drive. ]]

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The train doors suddenly opened, the sound of the air pressure being released filled the car. I stepped out onto the platform, the wet ground shining as drops of water plummeted from the sky. I pulled my hood over my head, to avoid my hair from being messed up from the mild winds as I made my way up the stairs to the waiting street above. I smiled intensely as my heart began to beat faster, the feeling of butterflies fluttering in my stomach was present.

 

The light was beaming down on the darkened street from the light posts. The ground seemed to illuminate from the light bouncing off the water. I watched as cars zoomed by endlessly, splashing water onto the concrete sidewalk. I came back to reality as my phone vibrated in my pocket. Reaching into it, I pulled out my phone. As I flipped it open, the screen read, “New text message”. My heart started to beat faster once more as I opened it. “I’ll be right there, I can’t wait to see you!” I could feel my cheeks turn red, as the lining of my stomach tightened.

 

The sound of footsteps rang behind me, turning my head, I noticed two young girls walking down the stairs to the train platform. I laughed quietly to myself, thinking, “Hmph, they just missed it.” I turned back around, sighing as I slid down the brick wall. I started fishing through my pocket once more, pulling out my light blue lighter, along with a skinny, long cigarette. I placed it between my lips, the taste of tobacco filling my mouth. Raising my hand up to my mouth, I flicked the lighter. The sparks flying, the sound of gas being released rang, as a small flame emitted from the end. I took a long, hard drag. The smoke creeped out of my mouth slowly, as I made no effort to exhale it.

 

I could feel the top of my hood getting heavier, and moist. I made no effort to take it off, nor move to the interior of the building. “Hey, Marshall!” The voice shrilled, sounding almost angelic. I almost choked on my cigarette as I struggled to quickly remove it from my mouth. I managed, and threw it off to the side, holding smoke in my mouth. I looked up, only to see one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen.

 

Her strawberry blonde hair was tied by a purple scrunchy behind her head. Her bangs hung to the side of her face, almost covering her eye. Freckles were parallel on her cheeks and nose. An angel stood in front of me, looking down at me as our eyes met. We stared at eachother for a time before I stood up. I towered over her. She was about 5 feet tall, short compared to my 5’9 figure.

We were complete opposites, she was short, or according to her, ‘fun-sized’; I was tall. I had brown hair; hers was strawberry blonde. She dressed fancy. A purple laced blouse was strung over her torso, blue jeans hugged her legs lightly. I myself looked like a hoodlum. My bangs hid my hazel eyes, a baggy hoodie and black jeans were draped over me.

 

Suddenly, she embraced me. Her arms wrapped around my torso, her head resting on my chest. I placed a hand on the back of her head, my fingers running through her hair, the other wrapped around her waist. She moved her head to look up at me, her face emotionless as I stared back down at her. “You smell like smoke.” I shook my head. “I don’t smoke.” She continued to look up at me, her expression blank. “Are you sure?” I simply nodded. “Yes. My grandmother got lung cancer from smoking, I’d never.” She chuckled. Standing up to me on the tips of her toes, she planted a kiss on my cheek. “Good.”

 

I could feel myself blushing at her actions, I pivoted my head down, to look at my feet as I smiled brightly. Drops of water continued to slam against the ground, sounding like bullets being fired from a gun against the vehicles passing, or parked.

She slipped out of my grasp, my hands fell down to her waist, her fingers sliding down my arm. She took hold of my hands, swinging them lightly. “Can we go now? I’m getting cold.” I nodded once more. She tugged on my arms, pulling me off the wall as she released her grip on one of my hands, her other continuing to embrace my own. She pulled on me once more as she began to walk, dragging me behind her. She looked back at me, a smile glued to her face. I laughed lightly, returning the same to her.

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I gazed up at her house in awe. It was made of white brick, standing up tall. The doors were made of fine wood, with a double car garage. It even had a walkway with a fountain. I snapped back to reality as she tugged on my hand, smiling up at me.

“Come inside, I don’t want you to get sick.” Droplets of water continued to fall from the dark sky, enveloping me in a coat of water and coldness. Walking inside the house, the first thing I noticed was the huge family room. It contained a pool table, a bar, and a few pieces of furniture. She led me to the couch, covered with a zebra fur texture. My shoes squeaked on the marble floor as I walked, leaving a trail of water in my wake.

 

“You have a really nic-“ I was cut short as I was suddenly thrown down onto the couch. I raised an eyebrow as I laid there, a smirk beginning to grow on my face. She looked down at me, biting the nail of her index finger. “Don’t speak.” I looked back up at her with an expression of curiousity on my face, narrowing my eyes lightly in suspicion.

 

She lifted one leg onto the couch, then the other, and continued to look down on me. Her hands were laid on my chest, supporting her. She leaned down, whispering into my ear, “No one’s home, let’s have some fun while it lasts.” She slowly withdrew her head from my ear, making her way to my lips as she kissed the line of my jawbone.

 

The shriek of a woman rang out like a rabbit in a trap behind me. We both turned our heads, only to see her mother gawking at us with her jaw dropped. She dropped the papers that were in her hands, and ran over to us. She knelt down, and planted a friendly kiss on my cheek.

 

“Marshall! I haven’t seen you in years! Where have you been?” A smile was curled on her lips. She wore a suit-top, and a long pinstriped skirt. Her long blonde hair draped over her face, a sense of warmth overcame me. I chuckled, “Hello, Mrs. Gambetti, how are you?” She opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by her daughter. “Mom, Get out of here!” We both looked at her at the same time. Mrs. Gambetti glared at her, a disapproving scowl on her face. “Laney, don’t you dare speak to me like that, I am your mother!” Laney grinded her teeth, folding her arms as she leaned back, turning her head. “You look at me when I’m speaking to you!”, Said Mrs. Gambetti. Laney growled lightly, her gaze still turned from her mother.

 

Mrs. Gambetti stomped her foot on the marble floor, the heel clicking. “We’ll talk later, Laney.” She stormed out of the room, not even bothering to pick up the papers that were sprawled all over the floor. Laney adverted her gaze to me, a smirk on her face, winking, I returned the same gesture. She hopped lightly, leaning forward and applying pressure to my chest. “Now, where were we?”

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“Laney, you said no one would be home.” She continued to look down at me with that smirk of hers. “She won’t bother us anymore, anyway. Relax, my father won’t be home until late-“ The doors leading to and from the garage flew open. Laney and I both looked toward them. A lean, older looking man stepped into the room. His attire was simple, a grey suit, with black loafers, holding a briefcase in his hand. After slipping his shoes off, and setting his briefcase down, all three of us locked gazes.

 

A grimace grew on the man’s face, he took an obvious distaste in me already. His eyes squinted, eyebrows narrowed. “Laney, who is this?” He pointed a wrinkly, boney index finger at me. His voice was deep, and full of anger. I looked up at her, only to see her looking back down at me, before looking back at the old man in the doorway. “Daddy, it’s Marshall, don’t you remembe-“She was cut off by her screaming father. “Stacy! Who let this mongrel in our home?”

 

I looked back at her father, raising an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”, was what crawled out of my mouth. He looked back down at me, shooting an angry glance before looking into the doorway that lead to the kitchen, which Laney’s mother was now standing in. She looked down at Laney and I, before looking back to her father. “That’s Marshall! Him and Laney have been friends since Pre-school.”

 

He shot me a look of disgust, before walking into the kitchen, leaving his belongings on the floor. I turned my head back up to face Laney, her looking down at me. I sighed and closed my eyes. “I’m sorry, Marshall.” “It’s fine.”, I said, shaking my head.

I reached my hands up from her torso, and playfully squeezed her cheeks. “Stop it!”, she cried, smirking. “Aww, how cute.”, I replied. “You look exactly like you did when we were little kids.” She slapped my hands away, scrunching her nose, sticking her tongue out at me.

 

“So, what now, Laney?”, I asked. She shrugged, still on top of me. I laid my head back onto the pillow, closing my eyes once more. She laid her head down on my chest. “I can hear you breathing.”, she mumbled. I ran my fingers through her auburn colored hair, twirling it at the ends ever so slightly. She stretched her legs out, flipping over so her back was on my stomach.

That’s the last thing I can remember.

[Tyler]

I know how it feels not having any criticism, so here I go.[/I]

 

I like the emotion in the story, and it flowed very well. That said, I do feel you should write more. But, you should try not using quotations when it is a thought in your brain. especially when the story is told in first-person. mabye try this.

 

Old;

I laughed quietly to myself, thinking, “Hmph, they just missed it.”

 

Mine

I thoght to myself about them just missing it, and laughed quietly

 

 

 

 

Actually, can that I liked yours heh. But really I would like you to write more.

[Katalix]

I know how it feels not having any criticism, so here I go.[/I]

 

I like the emotion in the story, and it flowed very well. That said, I do feel you should write more. But, you should try not using quotations when it is a thought in your brain. especially when the story is told in first-person. mabye try this.

 

Old;

I laughed quietly to myself, thinking, “Hmph, they just missed it.”

 

Mine

I thoght to myself about them just missing it, and laughed quietly

 

 

 

 

Actually, can that I liked yours heh. But really I would like you to write more.

Thanks for the feedback. I'd love to write more, but I just don't have the time. I will definetely find some spare time, and get around to finishing this story.