The Joy in Store for Dulles

[duns23]

“Ladies and gentlemen a very good morning to you and welcome on board this American Airlines Boeing 767 non-stop service to Washington’s Dulles International Airport. I would firstly like to announce that I am not in a particularly good mood, mainly because I got home last night from a fourteen hour non-stop flight from Cairo, Egypt to find my husband of three years in bed with my gay best friend. After walking out of the house, I then preceded to fall down two flights of stairs, thankfully uninjured, because of a snapped heel on my shoe. Life, suffice it to say, is not smiling at me at the moment. I no longer have a husband, I have lost my best friend, I am living at my parents, (which means that I have to listen to them arguing at four in the morning about who has the heaviest blood pressure medication), and I have the worst menstrual cramps I've had since that fateful day twenty years ago when I blood instead of urine decided to greet my toilet.

To boot, after paying seventy-eight dollars to get to the airport this morning due to a seventeen car pile up on I-95, I exited the cab at terminal two only to find that my pantyhose had ripped entirely up the back, and I had to spend no less than twenty-five minutes in the queue at duty free for a new pair. After all, it is the holidays, and I know all of you will be buying candy and the like to stuff into your mouths as I walk up and down the aisles of this aircraft serving coffee, whilst having to listen to conversations about how disgusting the olives in the first class meals are and who is bringing the candied yams to dinner this year.

And, wait for it, the best part of all this is that I got a call this morning telling me that American Airlines had decided that I was surplus to requirements, and that I should be prepared to be informed of my imminent redundancy within the next three months.

Our flight time today is three hours and eleven minutes. We will be pushing back from the gate momentarily, and ask that you pay attention to the in-flight video system for an important safety announcement detailing how you will die in the event of explosive decompression. Don't bother with the brace position, it's designed to keep your teeth intact so that when a French fishing trawler pulls your carcass out of the ocean in 3 weeks, you can be identified by you dental records. But now, please sit back and enjoy your flight”.

Edited March 20, 2010 by duns23