15

[GentlemanSquid]

I love to write, there just something about it that's just so enjoyable and free about it.

 

I would like to be a screenwriter/director when I finish my film and TV course that I'm currently on.

 

I started to write scripts about a year ago but had totally now clue how to write one, so i brought some books from the Internet and gave them a read, they have helped me a great deal.

 

I wrote this one but I need C&C on it, to see if i showed not told the story.

 

edit: I know it's not the right format but it didn't look very appealing on the forum.

 

THIS IS ONLY THE FIRST DRAFT.

 

 

		INT. CAMRBIDGE COLLEGE - OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY - NIGHT   The moonlight flows through the glass and projects on to the worn glossy floor.   JOHN runs for his life down the corridor. he is in his late teens and his clothes are too baggy for him.   INT. CAMBRIDGE COLLEGE - LIBRARY - NIGHT   John zooms around the corner and in to the library nearly falling over the plastic turn stile at the entrance.   The library is in darkness and completely deserted, the room looks different from what it does in the day, somewhat scary.   A light flickers from the back room behind the desk and old lady elegantly strolls to desk.
	Old Lady	Sorry Dear, we are closed, its after school hour's.
	John	It won't take long.
		The Old Lady looks at John --
	Old Lady	Ok, what are you searching for?
	John	Just a book on paranormal activity or unexplained phenomena.
	Old Lady	That's a strange request, dear. (Points) Maybe over there in the science section.
	John	Thanks.
	MOMENTS LATER
	SCIENCE SECTION
		John shuffles through the books one-by-one he mutters under his breath.
	John (CONT'D)	no...no...no...AH HA here we go.
		He pulls out the book, opens at the contents page and skims his finger down the page and SLAMS it shut.
	THE DESK
		Pushing with his finger, John slides the book on to the front desk, were the Old Lady is waiting patiently.
	JOHN (CONT'D)	I want this one, please.
		She scans the book and hands it back to John.   INT. CAMRBIDGE COLLEGE - OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY - MOMENTS LATER   John is walking at a fast pace down the corridor while putting the book in his bag.   He pulls out his iPOD from his left pocket and shoves the headphones in his hears and turns it on and near full blast.   Walking to the beat, John looks quite chilled and pleased with him self, he notices that a vending machine is still on.   John SPLASHES around his pocket looking for some lose change, his eyes are looking up and his tongue is hanging out.
	John	Aha...
		As he is about to slot the coins in his notices that the display is flashing weird green symbols.   He shrugs then walks away, as John walks the machine starts to violently shake like it has a life of it's own.
	John (CONT'D)	Oh God... Not again.
		John turns around and starts to make a dash for it, he trips over on the slippery floor, in spite of that he mangers to recover.   INT. CAMBRIDGE COLLEGE - VARIOUS CORRIDORS - CONTINUOUS   John runs recklessly down the corridor, trying doors to see if they are open.   INT. CAMBRIDGE COLLEGE - BOY'S TOILETS - MOMENTS LATER   John SMASHES through the door, closes the door and leans with his back against the door. His hands either side of face. He slowly slides down the door into a cowering position.   DOOT DOOT --   His phone plays a jingle to tell him he has a message. cautiously he slowly pulls the phone out of his pocket.   His eyes widen as he stares at the phone, without warning he throws the phone the other side of the room.   Vigorously the phone starts to vibrate then a purple cloud of smoke starts to arise from the screen but John is unaware as his head is buried in his lap.   John is now starting shake, he bolts upright SLAMMING his head against the door. the ominous purple cloud drifts towards him. John is trying to resist but whatever is doing this, is too strong.   FADE TO BLACK.

Edited October 27, 2009 by gta_talk

[The Guru]

Lot's of tension which made me like it. Very well done. I'm no master so I think some other people here can point out the flaws.

[Narcis_speed6]

pretty imrpessive tought, btw...maybe a moderator will not move it soo fast, you should report your post

[Eminence]

The format (by that I mean the way it's written) looks okay in terms of how scripts should be presented. Nothing much wrong with that. The situation is too vague to really comment on in terms of how successful or intriguing it would be; it's a tiny segment.

 

There's a bit of a stumbling block, though. Some of the dialogue is pretty... well, standard. Unimpressive, really. Like the whole amateurish, almost farcical talking to oneself. "Oh God, not again!" The exchange between the two characters is a little blank and wooden. Not that the lines themselves aren't exactly believable, but I almost find myself sort of asking why is this scene here. Why is it necessary to show this blank dialogue between these two characters? It just seems like it's there to fill the page. Thinking of the scene in action, cutting between their lines and then showing him going to find the book and then showing him finding the book and then showing him going back to the desk and then their final exchange of words. It just seems like it could all be so much sleeker.

 

The only other thing is the ending. You have to remember you aren't writing a story; you aren't trying to build up tension. If people are going to make your movie, they need to know what's going on. You can't afford ambiguity or unknowns. I'm referring, of course, to "whatever is doing this, is too strong". 'Whatever is doing this'? How's a filmmaker supposed to portray that? Sure, you've got the whole thing about the purple cloud. But you don't want to keep secrets from the reader, or even hint at them. Tell us plainly what this 'whatever' is, even if the audience wouldn't know at this point of the film.

[GentlemanSquid]

Yeah, I'm not that brilliant at dialogue but I'm practicing at that.

 

Yes, I agree with you on the first part of scene 2, I might cut it out as it ain't moving the story forward.

 

I forgot to mention that this is a promo for a short film that I'm making/writing next year, so the stuff that the audience isn't clear on will get explained in the film, for now it's just for the mystery of what it is -- to hook the audience in to watching when it comes out.

 

the whatever is the purple orb/cloud which has a power, but won't be explained until later.

Oh yes, I see what you mean, i''ll fix that.

 

Thank you for the feedback, I'm glad you picking up stuff like that, it helps me develop my skills.

 

edit: is the action descriptive? is too vague or is there too much?

Edited October 27, 2009 by gta_talk

[Eminence]

Glad you got what I meant with the whole purple cloud thing.

 

The action seems fine to me. It's telling us what we're going to see in the scene and that's all the description we need. There aren't too many adjectives, just key ones here and there to describe specific things. Looks good to me.

[Menaced]

What I would suggest about dialogue, Aaron, would be to read some real movie scripts. Try visiting imsdb and browse through some of their scripts.

 

Reading through other peoples scripts gives you a good idea on how to write dialogue.

 

Hope that helps.

[Eminence]

A lot of films have dialogue that is forced as hell, though.

 

If I may suggest something else. Listen to people. That's all. When you're out and about, just listen - really listen - to how they speak. People you know, people you don't know. Pick up on the little traits. Actually go to a library and act out the scene you're thinking about. How do you interact with the librarian? Note it down in your head. Use that as a starting point.

[GentlemanSquid]

I read a lot of scripts.

 

@Eminence - I read that a lot on How-to websites, I'll give that a try.

 

 

[Eminence]

It's probably on a lot of sites because it's common sense. Within the art you're producing you're trying to recreate these scenes and people from everyday life, so if you try to imitate what you see/hear then you'll get something that should end up interesting to watch. Even if it's not interesting, it won't seem forced or out of place or anything.

[Rhoda]

Just to add on to that, you'd be surprised just how much slang and colloquial terms make their way into your daily speech. It's not just you either; everyone does it, plenty of "er's", "um's" and "ah's" flying about. As a little game, try listening to how many times someone says "erm" while in conversation...

[GentlemanSquid]

OK good news, now I have a new laptop I can work out of the house and instead, write at college which is where I get most of my ideas.

 

I have re-wrote the intro and working on a few pages after that, so expect an update soon. I am trying to work on dialogue, I still suck at it.

[GentlemanSquid]

Sorry for double post. I have gotten rid of the useless chat between the Libarian and John and replaced it with a more useful dialogue that helps move the story.

 

I still need help with the dialogue, I have been taking in your tips. The dialogue i have written just doens't right in my head.

 

Uploaded to scribd.

 

http://www.scribd.com/doc/25633685/15

 

 

 

[Iminicus]

 

INT. CAMRBIDGE COLLEGE - OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY - NIGHT

 

The moonlight flows through the glass and projects on to the worn glossy floor. JOHN runs for his life down the corridor. he is in his late teens and his clothes are too baggy for him.

 

INT. CAMBRIDGE COLLEGE - LIBRARY - NIGHT

 

John zooms around the corner and in to the library nearly falling over the plastic turn stile at the entrance.

 

The library is in darkness and completely deserted, the room looks different from what it does in the day, somewhat scary.

 

A light flickers from the back room behind the desk and old lady elegantly strolls to desk.

Old Lady Sorry Dear, we are closed, its after school hour's.

John It won't take long.

  The Old Lady looks at John --

Old Lady Ok, what are you searching for?

John Just a book on paranormal activity or unexplained phenomena.

Old Lady That's a strange request, dear.

(Points)

Maybe over there in the science section.

John Thanks.

MOMENTS LATER

SCIENCE SECTION

  John shuffles through the books one-by-one he mutters under his breath.

John (CONT'D) no...no...no...AH HA here we go.

  He pulls out the book, opens at the contents page and skims his finger down the page and SLAMS it shut.

THE DESK

  Pushing with his finger, John slides the book on to the front desk, were the Old Lady is waiting patiently.

JOHN (CONT'D) I want this one, please.

  She scans the book and hands it back to John.

 

INT. CAMRBIDGE COLLEGE - OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY - MOMENTS LATER

 

John is walking at a fast pace down the corridor while putting the book in his bag.

 

He pulls out his iPOD from his left pocket and shoves the headphones in his hears and turns it on and near full blast.

 

Walking to the beat, John looks quite chilled and pleased with him self, he notices that a vending machine is still on.

 

John SPLASHES around his pocket looking for some lose change, his eyes are looking up and his tongue is hanging out.

John Aha...

  As he is about to slot the coins in his notices that the display is flashing weird green symbols.

 

He shrugs then walks away, as John walks the machine starts to violently shake like it has a life of it's own.

John (CONT'D) Oh God... Not again.

  John turns around and starts to make a dash for it, he trips over on the slippery floor, in spite of that he mangers to recover.

 

INT. CAMBRIDGE COLLEGE - VARIOUS CORRIDORS - CONTINUOUS

 

John runs recklessly down the corridor, trying doors to see if they are open.

 

INT. CAMBRIDGE COLLEGE - BOY'S TOILETS - MOMENTS LATER

 

John SMASHES through the door, closes the door and leans with his back against the door. His hands either side of face. He slowly slides down the door into a cowering position.

 

DOOT DOOT --

 

His phone plays a jingle to tell him he has a message. cautiously he slowly pulls the phone out of his pocket.

 

His eyes widen as he stares at the phone, without warning he throws the phone the other side of the room.

 

Vigorously the phone starts to vibrate then a purple cloud of smoke starts to arise from the screen but John is unaware as his head is buried in his lap.

 

John is now starting shake, he bolts upright SLAMMING his head against the door. the ominous purple cloud drifts towards him. John is trying to resist but whatever is doing this, is too strong.

 

FADE TO BLACK.

 

That was your original script. I have gone through and quickly re edited it for you. Here you go.

 

INT. CAMRBIDGE COLLEGE - OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY - NIGHT

 

The moonlight flows through the glass and projects on to the worn glossy floor.JOHN runs for his life down the corridor. he is in his late teens and his clothes are too baggy for him.

 

INT. CAMBRIDGE COLLEGE - LIBRARY - NIGHT

 

John zooms around the corner and in to the library nearly falling over the plastic turn stile at the entrance.

The library is in darkness and completely deserted, the room looks different from what it does in the day, somewhat scary. A light flickers from the back room behind the desk and old lady elegantly strolls to desk.

 

 

Old Lady

 

Sorry Dear, we are closed, its after school hour's.

 

John

 

It won't take long.

 

The Old Lady looks at John.. 

 

Old Lady

 

Ok, what are you searching for?

 

John

 

Just a book on paranormal activity or unexplained phenomena.

 

Old Lady

 

That's a strange request, dear.

 

(Points)

 

Maybe over there in the science section.

 

John

 

Thanks.

 

INT. SCIENCE SECTION

 

John shuffles through the books one-by-one he mutters under his breath.

 

 

John (CONT'D)

 

no...no...no...AH HA here we go.

 

He pulls out the book, opens at the contents page and skims his finger down the page and SLAMS it shut. THE DESK. Pushing with his finger, John slides the book on to the front desk, were the Old Lady is waiting patiently.

 

JOHN (CONT'D)

 

I want this one, please. She scans the book and hands it back to John.

 

INT. OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY

 

John is walking at a fast pace down the corridor while putting the book in his bag. He pulls out his iPOD from his left pocket and shoves the headphones in his hears and turns it on and near full blast.

Walking to the beat, John looks quite chilled and pleased with him self, he notices that a vending machine is still on. John SPLASHES around his pocket looking for some lose change, his eyes are looking up and his tongue is hanging out.

 

 

John

 

Aha... As he is about to slot the coins in his notices that the display is flashing weird green symbols.

 

He shrugs then walks away, as John walks the machine starts to violently shake like it has a life of it's own.

 

John (CONT'D)

 

Oh God... Not again. John turns around and starts to make a dash for it, he trips over on the slippery floor, in spite of that he mangers to recover.

 

INT. CAMBRIDGE COLLEGE

 

John runs recklessly down the corridor, trying doors to see if they are open.

 

INT. BOY'S TOILETS

 

John SMASHES through the door, closes the door and leans with his back against the door. His hands either side of face. He slowly slides down the door into a cowering position.

 

DOOT DOOT...

 

His phone plays a jingle to tell him he has a message. cautiously he slowly pulls the phone out of his pocket. His eyes widen as he stares at the phone, without warning he throws the phone the other side of the room. Vigorously the phone starts to vibrate then a purple cloud of smoke starts to arise from the screen but John is unaware as his head is buried in his lap. John is now starting shake, he bolts upright SLAMMING his head against the door. the ominous purple cloud drifts towards him. John is trying to resist but whatever is doing this, is too strong.

 

FADE TO BLACK.

 

Also, all the action between dialogue shouldn't be centered with dialogue. I'd go through and change it, but I can't be arsed dumping a load of

tags into this thing.

 

Consult this site: Writing a Simple Script

Edited February 16, 2010 by Iminicus

[Eminence]

edit: I know it's not the right format but it didn't look very appealing on the forum.

[Iminicus]

edit: I know it's not the right format but it didn't look very appealing on the forum.

What point are you trying to make Eminence? The format he used made it hard to read and was a mess.

[Eminence]

The point I'm trying to make is that you've made the effort to point out how his "script" isn't using the correct format, and pointed him to a site that instructs one on the basics of scriptwriting, when he's completely aware of that fact. Whether or not it reads better or worse on the forum is irrelevant.

[Iminicus]

The point I'm trying to make is that you've made the effort to point out how his "script" isn't using the correct format, and pointed him to a site that instructs one on the basics of scriptwriting, when he's completely aware of that fact. Whether or not it reads better or worse on the forum is irrelevant.

Formatting is relevant. It is half the work you have to do to get your idea across. It is much like writing in paragraphs, complete sentences, etc. The format of the script helps move the action along. If it is improperly formatted, it can slow down the action in the scene.

 

The link was another source of information for him.

[GentlemanSquid]

I know how to format properly. It's just when I copy and paste, it doesn't look right, thats why I used the neat little table in original post.

 

I know the way you set up the script is important.

 

Have you read the updated version. http://www.scribd.com/doc/25633685/Written-by-Aaron-Cornwell

 

Plus I use Final Draft.

Edited February 18, 2010 by gta_talk