the bloc

[BrownBear]

bang.bang.

i ran down the stairs panting as i dodged to avoid the stains of blood. he was in hot pursuit firing wildly.

"i'll f*cking kill you, you albo c*nts"he blurted out angrily.

 

so this is my life,this is what london has made of me. pfft great britain, whats great ?

 

my name is sergei i was born in tiran .my mum died at the hands of heroin dealers outside a farm, and my dad... well my dad isn't there anymore ,he's gone. after my mum died he was never the same ,he always had that vacant,long expression on his face and barley spoke. one of my brothers died back in albania he was stabbed to death by some petty c*nts.the other well he was the reason i'm here in london,the reason i'm writing this,the reason my life is ruined why my dad is dead, why my girlfriend is a prostitute.

 

 

i have no brother

 

 

 

 

 

too be continued if you like.

[VercettiTheNiter]

Okay...

 

I'm not the greatest writer around here so you might not care for my judgement but here it goes anyway:

 

1. You didn't capitalize at all.

2. No spaces between sentences.

3. Way too short.

4. Not much description.

 

I know this sounds like nitpicks but what could've been something good ended up being a grammatical mess. But now if you fix that I'll read it again because to be honest it sounded good and I really like the opening.

 

I hope I helped

[Rhoda]

Sorry if I seem callous and rude, but this needs a lot of work. For starters, your formatting is terrible; you tend to have a habit of putting the space before the full stop, rather than after it. I know you can do it correctly because you do write it the right way in parts. Just remember to be consistent and the quality of your writing will improve immediately.

 

In regards to the opening:

 

bang.bang.

i ran down the stairs panting as i dodged to avoid the stains of blood. he was in hot pursuit firing wildly.

 

I like what you've tried to do, it's clear you wanted something dramatic. Opening with the words "bang, bang" is a very nice touch. However, you let yourself down with poor grammar, which is very easy to rectify; remember to capitalize what you need to capitalize (the letter "i", for example and at the beginning of sentences) and try and paint more of a picture. Where is the main character? Describe his surroundings, and you'll notice your writing will begin to flesh out.

 

Your speech also needs work:

 

"i'll f*cking kill you, you albo c*nts"he blurted out angrily.

 

Try writing your speech like this:

 

"I'll f*cking kill you, you albo c*nts," he blurted out angrily.

 

Note the capitalization and the comma, which I've placed at the end of the word "c*nts", just to format the line better. You'll notice a different immediately.

 

Also, I read your profile and saw your father was Turkish, so with that in mind I appreciate that English may not be your first language. If it is, I don't mean to cause offense at all, I'm just bearing that in mind before your errors can be argued. Keep trying, you'll get so much better with practice.