Legend of Zelda: Majora's Revenge

[ObsydianRaven]

Prologue Chapter: The Story of Majora

Long ago, in a world far away, there was a tribe, this tribe was both peaceful and spiritual. They lived in peace for over a thousand years. A member of this tribe, known as Majora, began practicing dark magic because he wanted to be the most powerful wizard in the history of his people. Every day he would practice and he would become more powerful each time he did but at a cost, as he gained more powers and energy he began to lose his sanity and regard for living beings, his soul also became more corrupted. Soon Majora's appearance. His entire body was purple and was covered in strange markings ,and his eyes turned into a sinister bright yellow, he was now a monster. When the people of his tribe learned this, they went after him, but he proceed to slaughter his entire tribe except one warrior, Onilink, Onilink was the greatest warrior of his tribe and wielded a powerful magic sword. Onilink was given the nickname of the Feirce Deity. And So, the two battled each other for an entire day. Onilink had defeated Majora in the end and had Majora's soul placed into a mask, the mask was shapped like a heart and when Majora's soul entered this mask, it's appearance changed and it had large spikes growing out of it's sides. This mask would become known as, Majora's Mask.

The Majora's Mask was hidden by Onilink, the mask was brought to another world, a world that is now known as Termina. The mask was hidden in a valley, where it would remain hidden for a long time, until,

 

200 Years Later,

Majora's Mask discovered by several members of a mighty empire known as the Ikana. The people who discovered it, began to discover it's mighty powers and soon began to use it, as a hexing tool that would be used against the dictator king of the Ikana, Igos du Ikana. And so, the worshipers of the mask built an underground shrine to honor the mask, this shrine would be known as, the secret shrine. These worshipers of the mask would become known as, the Garo. The Garo began to gain members outside of Ikana Valley and soon began their war against Igos du Ikana and his followers. The Garo, worried about the Ikanans discovering their shrine, soon moved themselves to inside of a massive tower located in Ikana Valley, Stone Tower. The Garo built a temple inside, were they could hide in safety. Soon they would use the mask's power, but the plan backfired and the mask caused both Ikanans and Garo much and placed a curse on them. In desperation, the Garo Master, the founder of the Garo, took the mask and brought it into a another world in order to hide it.

 

900 Years Later,

A young Skull Kid stole Majora's Mask from a man known as the Happy Mask Salesman, but a young boy with a green hat, traveled to Termina and, stopped Majora from destroying the world using the moon in a matter of three days. The evil inside the mask was believed to have been destroyed, but it's not gone yet. Over a hundred years later, Majora's Mask was brought to the land of Belleza (Spanish word for beauty), where it would remain hidden until now...

Edited August 22, 2009 by sethpenguin

[VCRules86]

Truthfully this isn't very good, it's not horrible though. It seems like you just rolled up all of the events into a tight package without much substance. This doesn't do much to hold my attention and get me excited for the next bit. the backstory is too limited and quite vague and I think the description and wording could've been done better. And one more thing, it's hard to read this knowing that you will probably scrap it in a couple chapters for a new idea like so many of your previous projects. I'd much rather you try and finish them then do something completely new.

[ObsydianRaven]

Truthfully this isn't very good, it's not horrible though. It seems like you just rolled up all of the events into a tight package without much substance. This doesn't do much to hold my attention and get me excited for the next bit. the backstory is too limited and quite vague and I think the description and wording could've been done better. And one more thing, it's hard to read this knowing that you will probably scrap it in a couple chapters for a new idea like so many of your previous projects. I'd much rather you try and finish them then do something completely new.

Actually, I'm going to try hard to finish this so don't turn it down already plus my head is crammed with ideas for this story.

[ObsydianRaven]

Oh, and people, do me a favor, don't just comment on it yet until I post the first chapter.

[Rhoda]

Oh, and people, do me a favor, don't just comment on it yet until I post the first chapter.

Please don't double post, I'm sure you've been here long enough to know where the edit button is. Cheers.

[ObsydianRaven]

Chapter 1: Evil Unleashed

It was dark within the underground temple. The only light came from lanterns. Lanterns being used by mysterious men in robes. These men have come to this temple to retrieve an item, an item with great power. The men continued to travel deep into the temple.The leader of the group held a large dagger in his hand, a dagger covered in markings. The group reached a large stone door. One of the men opened it. Behind it, was a large, circular chamber, with a large stone post in the middle with something chained on it's surface. It was a mask, shaped liked a heart, with large spikes sticking out of it's sides. The surface of this mask, was painted purple, with strange markings that came multiple colors, including red, pink and yellow. There were two large eyes painted on it as well. The leader of the group, approached the mask.

"Majora's Mask, the mask said to have cause great destruction and death, is right in front of me." he said as he touched one of the spikes. He turned towards the other men.

"Remove those chains!" he ordered them as he pointed towards them. The men rushed towards the pillar and began to remove the chains. The sounds of chains rattling echoed the room. Soon the chains fell to the ground along with the mask. The man picked up the mask and stared at it. He then raised his dagger, and was ready to stab the mask.

"The cycle of death and destruction ends now!" he shouted as he drove the dagger down into the mask, but the mask let out an electrical discharge before he could strike a final blow to it. The man dropped the mask as the shock caused him and the others to fall to the ground. He slammed his head into the ground and felt the hard ground slam onto the rock. The mask floated above them and proceeded to float away. As it left the room, the door close behind it. The man got up and a he did, he noticed the door was shut, he tried to open it but it was locked. Soon he began to panic, he and the others tried to slam their bodies against the door in hope that it will break open but it would not. Thus, they were trapped, left to die. Meanwhile, Majora;s Mask continued it journey out of the temple in order to cause chaos on the world once again, this time the land of Belleza was going to be his victim. The peaceful land of Belleza would no longer be peaceful.

[Rhoda]

The concept of the story seems sound, if a little cliched, and the flow leaves a lot to be desired. The smallest of layout and grammar changes can make the world of difference. Also, be sure to watch your repetition. Here are two examples from both chapters you've posted and what you can do to rectify them.

 

 

The Majora's Mask was hidden by Onilink, the Mask was brought to another Mask, a Mask that is now known as Termina. The Mask was hidden in a valley, where it would remain hidden for a long time, Mask until,

 

200 Years Later,

Majora's Mask discovered by several members of a mighty empire known as the Ikana.

 

 

The sounds of chains rattling echoed the room. Soon the chains fell to the ground along with the mask. The man picked up the mask and stared at it. He then raised his dagger, and was ready to stab the mask.

 

It's not really a criticism so much, but there are times when you're writing that you'll have to stop and think "what other word would look great instead?". Sounds daft put like that, but if you have a good knowledge of the English language which I'm sure you have you shouldn't have much trouble substituting words.

 

Also, in regards to the first example I've given, there's a little blip in formatting (highlighted in gold) which I thought could do with tidying up. A little bit of tense changing here and there but easy enough to correct yourself if you really read, read, read and read your material over and over.

 

 

The mask was hidden in a valley, where it would remain hidden for a long time, until 200 Years Later where Majora's Mask was discovered by several members of a mighty empire known as the Ikana.

 

Keep it up.

[ObsydianRaven]

Thank you for the suggestions. I appreciate them.

[Long Haired Freaky Guy]

The sentences seem far too short, and they don't really flow that well. You also could do with picking the descriptions up, which would also help with making the sentences longer.

 

Also, check for grammer mistakes.