justinx Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 (edited) The year is 2003 a unknown virus spreaded over Vice City.Every people in it succummed uncontrollable rage there were called "infected" those infected killed everyone.The news spread over San Andreas,Liberty City,and carcer city etc. Vice City lost power and communication to other cities. the cities retaliate to save vice city.They send soldiers but none returned.... You are stan rimmers age 33 from liberty city,a elite swat and a guard for a rich man in liberty city.Your 'boss' has a drug-deal in san andreas.you head over to the airport to get aboard your boss's jet. three hours later beneath the jet is vice city. the infected city.You heard your boss say'heh'one hell of a city...the bitches in the goverment doesnt want to nuke this city!well were not going to this f*cked-up place..lets just mind our self-matters..'.As you were listening to your boss you heard a 'BOOM!!' somewhere in the engines.You panic and said"get your parachute Boss!"you get one too and open the door and say'lets go Boss! you and your boss jump and the jet plane crashed ... Now you get up and remove the parachute from you and said"Boss?"as you looked behind you saw a man with torned and bloody clothes and he muttered "GGARRKWEER!!" screeching from the man.You already knew that it was not human and you said"oh sh*t!" you have no guns to use and you ran into a nearby house you used a chair to barricade the door.The zombie was destroying the door and you saw a crowbar in the table and said "this might be handy". when the door was destroyed you get ready bacause one bite and its all over... you carefully and strengthfully smash the crowbar in the zombie's head and blood splattered all over.Now its gone you get ready to go outside again with no clue where part of vice city and your boss is.minutes later.... You saw a alley nearby and said "this place is preety creepy".as you walked you saw the ammunation store and you get inside.you saw the dead store manager lying down eating a person.It saw you and you quickly smack its head with the crowbar.and looked all over the store full of guns.you said "now lets kill some f*ckin z's!".You picked two uzi's one deagle and a m4 all with loads of ammo.You thought that there might be remaing survivors in this city.Killing every zombie with one hit only in the head you look throughout the city and found the map in the city you look at it and you were in little haiti.You head south to the docks to see any boats active.As you were going you suddenly saw a person he quckly said "HEY!" you repliad "what? " he replied "so there are still soldiers not eaten huh?? now we dont have to stand here for 60 seconds and get eaten lets get inside to meet the others"you replied"others?? there are more survivors??"and he said"of course these lucky ones arent affected by that virus thingy!" after you entered they were alot of survivors that was a small update for now...but okay Edited September 14, 2009 by justinx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Theft Auto Dude Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 If you can't accept criticism, you shouldn't be here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhoda Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I appreciate it's your first time, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to be honest and maybe even brutal in parts. I'm not going out of my way to be an enormous arse about this, but here goes. Your formatting, grammar and punctuation is dire. The year is 2003 a unknown virus spreaded over vice city.every people in it succumed sickness death and uncontrollable rage.then it was informed they were turned to zombies. Right from this opening section. Here is what it should look like. I've highlighted what I've changed in a dreamy blue. The year is 2003 and an unknown virus spread over Vice City. Every person in it succumbed to sickness, death and uncontrollable rage. Then it was informed they were turned to zombies. Despite the changes I've made, the formatting makes it impossible to read and understand. I understand that you may want to keep details from us right at the very start but you're not giving the audience anything new. How do people turn into zombies? Any particular reason? Another thing, the way you tell a story needs work. Already we're being flung into the full terror of a zombie epidemic. Where's the tension? Any dramatic rise? You need to really turn up tension and fear in order to make this story interesting. Furthermore, your initial spelling and grammar needs a lot of work. You'd be surprised just how much writing on any office program (Microsoft Word being one of the most common) can help you. If your first language isn't English I can somewhat sympathise, but as already said, criticism is a hurdle you're going to have to get used to. It's the only way you're going to improve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jordy. Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I can see this getting a Garrys Mod video makeover, just like: Half Life: Full Life Consequences Never heard of it? Youtube search it now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chennaz321 Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 I can see this getting a Garrys Mod video makeover, just like: Half Life: Full Life Consequences Never heard of it? Youtube search it now. hehe coming right up it'll take about a month for me and my team. The story wasn't really that amazing as someone a few posts above recognized. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Unvirginiser Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Is English your first language? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 DONT JUDGE ME!! ITS MY FIRST TIME TYPING A STORY!! The year is 2003 a unknown virus spreaded over Vice City.Every people in it succummed uncontrollable rage those infected killed everyone.The news spread over San Andreas,Liberty City,and carcer city.Vice City lost power and communication to other cities. the cities retaliate to save vice city.They send soldiers but none returned.... You are stan rimmers age 33 from liberty city,a elite swat and a guard for a rich man in liberty city.Your 'boss' has a drug-deal in san andreas.you head over to the airport to get aboard your boss's jet. three hours later beneath the jet is vice city. the infected city.You heard your boss say'heh'one hell of a city...the bitches in the goverment doesnt want to nuke this city!well were not going to this f*cked-up place..lets just mind our self-matters..'.And you heard a 'BOOM!!' somewhere in the engines.You panic and said"get your parachute sir!"you get one too and open the door and say'lets go sir! you jump and the jet plane crashed ... well i changed the plan and yes english is not my first lang.!im filipino The Vice city zombie story has been done to death, christ even I did one. I might get that up and running again. I think you need to proofread this mate, I'll keep reading if you clear it up a lil' bit. The story seems a little to quick and simple, with obvious mistakes but I'll wait to see how it turns out. "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lethal Nizzle Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I can see this getting a Garrys Mod video makeover, just like: Half Life: Full Life Consequences Never heard of it? Youtube search it now. hehe coming right up it'll take about a month for me and my team. The story wasn't really that amazing as someone a few posts above recognized. So more than one of you are writing this? The Vice city zombie story has been done to death, christ even I did one. I might get that up and running again. So you mildly criticize him writing one then you say you might restart a piece in the same niche? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justinx Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Well, i made a few training's that i need to make this topic alive again. And i remade the story,same niche...½ Of it. The Vice City Zombie Stories:Destruction In The City Part 1 It was a nightmare....... The thing's that happened was horrific......... Well, lets start this story,shall we? As of now the year is December 14, 2009. Vice city is still under a tropical climate and Christmas wasn't even Celebrated in that city... Let's begin with me: I'm Randall Cortez, Age 36,and a engineer in the plant downtown........ I'm a dealer too.... Everybody was unaware that there was a project going on..... There was a lab constructed in the Vincity of little Havana. They were named 'Zombotech''as of we know they were originated in San andreas.... There were report's of people missing in the street's in all part's of the city.... They were taken to zombotech lab and were conducted series of test.....And brutally killed.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhoda Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I'm not being rude, but this was worse than the original beginning. It barely counts as a chapter; where's the drama? Granted, you don't have to give everything away at first, that'd be a bad move, but there's very little to keep me hooked. There's nothing in that post that makes me want to come back and read it. Your formatting needs work too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justinx Posted December 22, 2009 Author Share Posted December 22, 2009 Yeah tnx for reminding me..well im still studying the formmatinng and making a good fan made story...and im not angry with the lectuting anymore....heeh teach more masterkraft... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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