Lethal Nizzle Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 (edited) ___ Edited March 2, 2011 by Lethal Nizzle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oxidizer Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I f*cking love this. That is all for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chunk Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 I really, really liked this, Niall. I dunno if it was the vivid description, the fantastic flow or poor Robert's plight that immediately hooked my attention, but whatever it was, it was great. And, to top it off, this line stood out to me for some reason: For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, Robert McNaughton saw light. Grammar-wise, flawless. I even ran it through Word to check if I had missed anything, but nope, nothing. Great job mate, I await Part 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Zilcho Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 I also enjoyed this greatly! It's really got me gripped, and you managed to make me truly hate the terrorists holding Robert hostage. I can't wait for the rescue! U R B A N I T A S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omnia sunt Communia Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 There isn't much for me to say. This was a brilliant piece of writing. It flowed nicely and the narrative was realistic, brutal and honest. I could barely pick out any flaws in your writing Niall. I cannot wait to read the next installment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abel. Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 I am glad I read this, it was very good, I can see clearly that your inspiration and preperation for this were both thorough, collectively allowing you to produce a fantastic piece. As Jacky has already said, the flow was very good, there were no abrupt stops that would break the narrative. The piece was narrated empathetically, with small, lingering details that not only emote with the reader, but remain with them throughout the piece, this is a good example: "The man stood over Robert, who's face was now a bloody pulp,'' this line entails that his face has not been reduced, or diminished, to a "bloody pulp", but that it has become one through traumatising events. The blood of this wound will stain his mind for as long as he lives, and you have conveyed that perfectly. Additionally, you have added a lot of detail to the writing, your use of long descriptive sentences was useful and well controlled, allowing you to describe Robert's surroundings, his state and the appearance and general "feel" of his captors vividly. You also controlled much of the detail to reflect the hazy, disorientated state of the main character, allowing the reader to fill in some of the lesser mentioned details with their mind, helping conjure up a "picture" of the piece. In conclusion, this is a well written, hard hitting, very well described piece with a well controlled narrative. Great job mate, I am anticipating the next bit . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lethal Nizzle Posted August 1, 2009 Author Share Posted August 1, 2009 Thanks everyone. Wasn't expecting that much feedback, and thanks for the comments. The second and final part will be up by the end of today or tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 As I touched upon in the MSN convo, you want to try to limit adverb usage as much as possible. So sentences like this: Then ever so slowly, he began to blink rapidly, taking in the source of the light carefully Should be thrown out altogether. Another thing to watch for is using the passive voice. This makes sentences boring, clunky and sometimes unreadable. Take this: The light was emitting from a bulb which hung from the ceiling Instead of 'the light was emitting from a bulb', which is passive, boring and pretty much just dull, make it sharp and spicy, by converting it to the active voice: A bulb hanging from the ceiling emitted the light It's not perfect, and I can see that the light itself is the focus of the sentence (so you could get away with the passive voice, but you don't really want to) - so just bear it in mind. Some of the description was fittingly brutal, like the whole vomiting a mixture of blood and teeth. It's simple, but it evokes quite a strong image without really telling us too much; I liked that. One thing, though, is that you don't really touch too much on the thoughts of Robert during that situation - whilst not absolutely necessary, we could be told a bit more about his pain during the strikes, or anything else that might occur to him. His fears, his lack of hope, whatever. Looking forward to the next part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lethal Nizzle Posted August 4, 2009 Author Share Posted August 4, 2009 Thanks for the feedback once again Phil, but there's a small problem regarding the second chapter; my laptop charger has decided to be an ass and isn't working, therefore my laptop has shut down completely. When I either find a new charger or somehow make it work is indefinite, so sorry if the wait is long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Zilcho Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Are you planning to finish this? Because I loved it and was looking forward to the final chapter. U R B A N I T A S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
