For some reason I wrote a poem.

[Saggy]

I don't fancy myself a poet at all, but I wrote this poem. I don't know why I'm showing it off, maybe to see if anyone else knows what I mean. I couldn't tell you what it was about without going into great detail, that's why I wrote it in a poem the first place.

 

 

The words rushing through my head,

It's like trying to grab a picture out of static,

A million thoughts a second, but actions are seldom,

Just more stress and deliberation, from anger to frustration,

I lose my patience, I find devastation,

The rage builds so strong, I can feel it tearing through my muscles,

And when I calm back down, nothing has changed, I feel such a weight,

That I'd do anything to feel the rage again

[Eminence]

You sound like Hamlet. I could elaborate, but I want to leave it at that.

[Otter]

Pretty powerful.

 

I'd say you've got two major issues with it, (I care little for beats and measures) verging on the puerile with language like 'devastation' and touching some cliched phrasing like "tearing through my muscles," "million thoughts a second" and almost "I feel such a weight".

 

But this is overly critical advice from one friend to another. I liked it, and thanks for sharing. Sounds like you're working through some difficult stuff.

[El Zilcho]

This poem reminds me of me, in certain instances long past. Very good work, really, I mean it.

[Saggy]

 

I'd say you've got two major issues with it, (I care little for beats and measures) verging on the puerile with language like 'devastation' and touching some cliched phrasing like "tearing through my muscles," "million thoughts a second" and almost "I feel such a weight".

 

But this is overly critical advice from one friend to another. I liked it, and thanks for sharing.  Sounds like you're working through some difficult stuff.

Yeah, I know what you mean there, I almost didn't post it because of the cliches. But when I wrote, it was one of the few times I put careful word selection behind me and just went for raw delivery--for lack of a better term. I'm sure you can attest that my selection on how to convey a point sometimes hinders its delivery. In this case the sentiment was more important. I did feel like an emo teenager writing it though.

 

Oh, and thanks everyone, though I didn't do this for vanity or what not.

Edited July 3, 2009 by SagaciousKJB