Grant Theft auto III - 2

[Ziggy455]

 

A Prequel is in the works as you read this, I aplogise for the mis-spelt 'Grand' on the picture. It is being revised.

 

Since the death of the don; Salvatore Leone, the Triads had begun to oppose them, dangerously. So it was near suicide to stay around any Triad location. With no leader and the mysterious disappearance of Joey Leone; the next don, the Leones had no structure or balance. Tony Cipriani had tried to round up and control them but alas, he was finally killed during a Triad raid.

 

The Leones were no more, the Triads industry and trade flourished all over the industrial haven of Portland. The Yakuza; under the fall of Asuka and Kenji had become a lot more low key and were sticking to their fundamentals of invisibility. The Yardies and Columbians were raging a war to take control of the Sprawling Metropolis of Staunton Island.

 

Since the events of 2001, Liberty City had been thrown into a tumble. Wars raged, Drugs and crime rose massively and Liberty City became the worst City in the world. 2001 marked the era of a new reign of criminal pessimism and death.

Edited July 10, 2009 by Ziggy455

[VCRules86]

This is very interesting and something I will be keeping my eye on. I like this short prelude, it's a nice little bit to kick off the setting and the scenario. I'll be following this closely, I can't wait for the 1st chapter.

[Ziggy455]

 

The black Car lay silently under the grimy streetlamp above it, the Street itself was empty except for the two black suited occupants hanging out around the car; the first one large in stature with a tight crew-cut and a thick moustache, he lay slouched on the side of the car smoking a cigarette. The other one was fondling around in the boot of the car, the crew-cut looked at the man half hidden by the car’s trunk.

 

“C’mon I don’t like being around here with the f*ckin’ slits,” he said shuffling his feet with a nervous posture, the small man in the boot caught on to his words.

 

“Shut up Ken,” he replied looking at him with a look of annoyance on his face, Ken sighed before taking another smoke of his cigarette.

 

“Why are we here Mike?” Ken asked curiously; turning around as a large fish truck sped past the street quickly, the smell of fish heavy in the air as it passed.

 

Mike was quite a small man, his Italian accent was strong and loud as he emerged from the trunk; brandishing a large shiny M16 assault rifle.

 

“And why are we doing this? We're going to be late for Misty's funeral,”

 

“So we can pay them back for ruining the Leones.”

 

“When are you going to quit this? The leones are dead and gone just forget about it, you're a f*cking psycho trying to keep this sh*t going.” yelled Ken angrily, his voice sounding off for the entire street.

 

"Joey won't quit the Leones, he's just looking for recruits."

 

"Joey's just quit them and pricks like you are just living in the past."

 

"I have hope."

 

"You're going to die just like Salvatore."

 

“What the f*ck did you say?” replied Mike with a look of anger on his sweaty face, he slammed the trunk shut and quickly paced towards Ken with his fist clenched. The words taunted the optimistic man as his face changed due to the shocking words coming from his companion's mouth, Suddenly...

 

WHACK!

 

A huge wooden bat came down with a cracking force, it’s wood splintered as Mike fell to the floor, his body fell onto the hard dirty concrete below as blood seeped from his gaping head wound, he was dead before his limp carcass had hit the sidewalk, Ken turned in a shock and looked at the blood seeping towards him.

 

"Mike!" screamed the remaining Leone, he turned and ran; fearful and unaware the attacker was brandishing a large gun.

 

 

BANG!

 

A lone bullet pierced his shoulder which caused him to fall to the cold floor in pain, he screamed loudly; his voice echoing around the street. The attackers footsteps began to scrape across the concrete, Ken slowly crawled across the road; a small trail of blood followed him as his strains of breath got heavier and heavier until he stopped moving with exhaustion. The trails of the mans advancements got louder and louder, the wind brushed against the injured, fearful man. Fear gripped him as the footsteps stopped just behind him with a short silent scuffle. Ken knew the man was behind him, he began to crawl quickly; gripping him as a foot kicked him over onto his back, the streetlamp close to him blinded his eyes quickly. After a few moments of adjusting he looked up at his attacker.

 

The man in a bright blue jumpsuit faced the Leone with a Colt Forty Five to his face, the look of plain anger and rage was on his grimy bearded face. Ken breathed heavily as the man lifted back the trigger, he smiled as he watched the Leone suffer.

 

“What do you want!?” Ken screamed in fear; his cowardly nature still staying with him to the end, blood staining his teeth as his injury began to catch up with him, he coughed violently as more blood seeped from his wound.

 

“Look man...I...I just work for them...Please don’t kill me,” Ken said with fear trying to reason with the Triad, he shoved the gun right onto ken’s sweaty forehead; he began to pant heavily as the Triad looked at him with a look of interest as the Leone quivered in fear.

 

“Pussy...” the triad said with a calm voice, he didn’t even move as he fired off one more round into Ken’s head. His scream was cut short as the bullet pierced into his head; the blood ran thick onto the grimy road a few seconds later.

 

The killer walked away into the dark shadows as the bodies were left for the police to clean up, the Triads were running Portland now...

 

Edited July 10, 2009 by Ziggy455

[Tyla]

I loved that first chapter, Ziggy. It was well descriptive, and set the scene and tone really well. Little notes like "turning around as a large fish truck sped past the street quickly, the smell of fish heavy in the air as it passed." brings back the visions of playing GTA III. I'm looking forward to Chapter Two, and seeing what has happened four years later. It's a brave move killing off Toni Cipriani, and having Joey Leone out of the picture, I would call that a testament to your originality. Ken and Mike were well done characters, and reflected on the realistic tone that Leone members would be thinking after the events you described in the prologue.

[vinnygorgeous]

 

I think this is definitely the best piece of yours I have read. I hope you carry this one on.

[VCRules86]

very nice. as already mentioned, the dialogue was very good and your description is excellent. You did a good job at getting the point across at how powerless and weak the Leones are now. Keep it up

[Sanjeem]

More i Say!

Brilliant and mind blowing which attracts the reader.

[Omnia sunt Communia]

There are numerous grammatical errors dotted throughout your story. It's not so much that you are making these mistakes, it's the fact that you are making them one minute, then doing it correctly the next minute. You must know you are making these mistakes but you choose to ignore them; either through pure ignorance or plain laziness.

 

The biggest problem you have it capitalization. You constantly capitalize words that do not need capitalizing. The only time a word should be capitalized is if it is at the beginning of a sentence or if it is a pronoun. Just take a look at this paragraph, for example:

 

 

Since the death of The Don Salvatore Leone, the Triads had begun to oppose them, dangerously. So it was near suicide to stay around any Triad location. With no Leader and the mysterious disappearance of Joey Leone; the Next Don, the Leones had no structure or balance. Tony Cipriani had tried to round up and control them but alas, he was finally killed during a Triad Raid.

 

All the words highlighted in red are instances where you have capitalized a word that need not be capitalized. You seem to be doing this sporadically with no seeming rhyme or reason as well. Though you are also guilty of the complete opposite; not capitalizing words that require capitalization:

 

 

the man in a bright blue jumpsuit faced the Leone with a Colt Forty Five to his face, the look of plain anger and rage was on his grimy bearded face. Ken breathed heavily as the man lifted back the trigger, he smiled as he watched the Leone suffer.

 

“what do you want!?” Ken screamed in fear; his cowardly nature still staying with him to the end, blood staining his teeth as his injury began to catch up with him.

 

“Look man...I...I just work for them...please don’t kill me.” Ken said with fear trying to reason with the Triad, he shoved the gun right onto ken’s sweaty forehead; he began to pant heavily as the Triad looked at him with a look of interest as the Leone quivered in fear.

 

Another mistake you are making constantly is that you are failing to place a comma after every line of dialogue and before the closing speech mark. For example:

 

 

“C’mon I don’t like being around here with the f*ckin’ slits.” he said shuffling his feet with a nervous posture, the small man in the boot caught on to his words.

 

“Shut up Ken” he replied looking at him with a look of annoyance on his face, Ken sighed before taking another smoke of his cigarette.

 

Should be:

 

 

“C’mon I don’t like being around here with the f*ckin’ slits,” he said shuffling his feet with a nervous posture, the small man in the boot caught on to his words.

 

“Shut up Ken,” he replied looking at him with a look of annoyance on his face, Ken sighed before taking another smoke of his cigarette.

 

Word repitition is also another problem of your's. Try using a theasaurus to look up words with the same meaning in order to stop your story from sounding stale and stagnant. The English language is one of the most complex and extensive languages in the world from which you can create an expansive lexicon of words and phrases. Just take a look at this paragraph of your's:

 

 

A lone bullet pierced his shoulder which caused him to fall to the floor in pain, he screamed loudly, his voice echoed around the street. The attackers footsteps began to scrape across the floor, Ken slowly crawled across the floor; a small trail of blood followed him as his strains of breath got heavier and heavier until he stopped moving with exhaustion. The footsteps got louder and louder, the wind brushed against the Exhausted Leone. Fear gripped the man as the footsteps stopped just behind him. Ken knew the man was behind him, he began to crawl quickly; fear gripping him as a foot kicked him over onto his back, the streetlamp close to him blinded his eyes quickly. After a few moments of adjusting he looked up at his attacker.

 

I would recommend running your stories through Microsoft Word (which you already claim to do) or another spell checker and proof reading your stories (or asking someone else too). If you are going to write a continous narrative like this then you need to make sure your chapters are free from spelling and grammatical errors as that can really put people off; especially if the very first chapter alone is dotted with them.

 

As for the story itself, it is rather cliche. The "What Happens After GTA III" story has been told numerous times and usually ends the same way. Though I like how you have decided to remove the Leone's from the equasion straight away, that at least makes your story a bit more different from all the other ones out there.

 

The description in your story can be a bit weak at times. Try beefing up your descriptions with some interesting adverbs and adjectives. Don't forget to change them around a bit as well. I've seen the word "grimy" used by you constantly over the last couple of days and it really shows when I'm reading your stories.

 

I didn't real feel any sort of fear for Mike as he was being tortured by the Triad. I just felt as if I was watching somebody having a play fight with their friends because there was no form of psychological description. Mike just seemed to be a cold, thoughtless man who didn't even care that he was being killed - or he didn't choose to show it.

 

The pace moves a bit too fast as well. One minute Mike is attacking Ken then Ken is being attacked by the Triad, then the Triad killed Mike; it all happened so fast I really had no idea what was going on.

 

Besides that library full of feedback, I thought the story was interesting. The idea of having a pair of Leone henchmen trying to restore their family's "former glory" is intriguing and I like the idea of the Triads ruling the roost for once. Hopefully you'll take my criticisms into mind when writing the next chapter, which I look forward to reading if you do.

[Eminence]

I have to ask, Ziggy, do you proofread at all?

 

You can't count on Word to pick up every error anyway; a lot need to be erased manually. And lets take the topic title. I mean, you've spelled something wrong there. Already it makes a bad impression. Did you not take the extra five seconds to proofread your title, of all things?

[Ziggy455]

 

I have to ask, Ziggy, do you proofread at all?

 

You can't count on Word to pick up every error anyway; a lot need to be erased manually. And lets take the topic title. I mean, you've spelled something wrong there. Already it makes a bad impression. Did you not take the extra five seconds to proofread your title, of all things?

Yes, I do proofread. Like I have said before my Grammar has always been...'Iffy' to say the least.

 

Also the topic is called 'Grant' Theft Auto for a reason, the title picture itself is different because I couldn't change my Text when I wrote it.

 

I'll edit the Picture anyway, the reason I did it was to emphasise something of the whole story.

 

And for everyone else my Gramar is sh*tty, I'm trying to Improve.

 

@ Jacky Fiend: Sorry Mate, I think you need to re-read the first chapter. The reason Mike shows no emotion is because the blow to his head spontaneously kills him before he hit the floor, the blow to the head killed him before he could even show his reaction.

 

More is being written.

Edited July 4, 2009 by Ziggy455

[Eminence]

So you've changed the title intentionally? It's actually not anything to do with GTA3? Come on, that makes no sense.

[Omnia sunt Communia]

 

Also the topic is called 'Grant' Theft Auto for a reason, the title picture itself is different because I couldn't change my Text when I wrote it.

Care to elaborate on that? Because at the moment it just looks like you're trying to hide the fact that you actually spelt the topic title wrong. It just appears that you're trying to defend yourself after saying you don't make any grammatical errors after Chunk insulted you in the Social Club.

 

I'd be interested to see where you take this story, as we've already jumped ahead four years, it should make for a completely different scene. I hope you take mine and Phil's criticism into consideration instead of batting it off like you just did.

 

Even if you did mean to mispell Grand Theft Auto and turn it into Grant Theft Auto, that doesn't make up for the fact that you failed to capitalize the a in Auto.

 

If you really are proof-reading your work like you claim to then I think you need to do it two or three more times.

Edited July 4, 2009 by Jacky Fiend

[Ziggy455]

 

Also the topic is called 'Grant' Theft Auto for a reason, the title picture itself is different because I couldn't change my Text when I wrote it.

Care to elaborate on that? Because at the moment it just looks like you're trying to hide the fact that you actually spelt the topic title wrong. It just appears that you're trying to defend yourself after saying you don't make any grammatical errors after Chunk insulted you in the Social Club.

 

I'd be interested to see where you take this story, as we've already jumped ahead four years, it should make for a completely different scene. I hope you take mine and Phil's criticism into consideration instead of batting it off like you just did.

 

Even if you did mean to mispell Grand Theft Auto and turn it into Grant Theft Auto, that doesn't make up for the fact that you failed to capitalize the a in Auto.

 

If you really are proof-reading your work like you claim to then I think you need to do it two or three more times.

By no means am I trying to hide the fact my grammar is of poor standard, Yes the story is solely Affiliated with 'Grand Theft Auto III'', however I decided to put a twist on the title, because The next Chapters will show and explain why. If I didn't want to purposely change it I would of apologised for my mistake and Move on.

 

All Crit will be read and used, Thankyou for the support guys you all help in some way.

 

Really Jacky? Please check any Grand Theft auto Logo, I assure you the 'A' is lowercase.

[Eminence]

Regardless of the 'a' in the logo being lowercase, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's a title and it should still be capitalised. Being 'a' in the logo is just artistic license with the font because it looks better.

 

I'm genuinely asking, though, why change the title in that manner? If you truly intended to call it 'Grant', then why not just make the title 'Grant Theft Auto'? It's different, it's (possibly) catchy, and it's interesting enough. That whole idea just seems flawed by adding the 'III - 2' on the end, because it's clearly not intended to be a unique thing - it's a followup to 'GranD Theft Auto III'.

[Omnia sunt Communia]

Really Jacky? Please check any Grand Theft auto Logo, I assure you the 'A' is lowercase.

I was talking about the topic title, which reads "Grant Theft auto III - 2". The entire logo, bar the r, is written in lowercase; that doesn't mean we go around calling it "gRand theft auto" does it?

 

It just seems more and more like you're trying to cover up your mistakes without actually taking it into consideration. I do not mean to sound mean, but that is how it's coming off. One of the reasons I liked you as a writer was because you took everything people said into consideration and really improved. You are now doing the complete opposite and it appears you're going to start retracting back into the way you were before.

[Ziggy455]

 

Regardless of the 'a' in the logo being lowercase, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's a title and it should still be capitalised. Being 'a' in the logo is just artistic license with the font because it looks better.

 

I'm genuinely asking, though, why change the title in that manner? If you truly intended to call it 'Grant', then why not just make the title 'Grant Theft Auto'? It's different, it's (possibly) catchy, and it's interesting enough. That whole idea just seems flawed by adding the 'III - 2' on the end, because it's clearly not intended to be a unique thing - it's a followup to 'GranD Theft Auto III'.

Tell me Em, Have there not been follow- ups to certain things, with completely different names? Sure they elaborate on an advanced plot of the first project but they are sequels nonetheless.

 

I'm merely putting a spin on something original, just to keep it fresh - A story need not have the original name to keep the story the same. But go ahead and think of it not to be affiliated with Grand Theft Auto.

 

Why nitpick at the title? I apologise for not Capitalising the 'A'. I am sorry but It still got the title across, just not as 'Professionally' as I wanted it to.

 

@ Jacky: Not at all man, I took all of your criticism into consideration I even apologised for not capitalising the 'A' but I HAVE purposely called it 'Grant Theft Auto' for a reason.

Edited July 4, 2009 by Ziggy455

[Eminence]

Tell me Em, Have there not been follow- ups to certain things, with completely different names? Sure they elaborate on an advanced plot of the first project but they are sequels nonetheless.

 

I'm merely putting a spin on something original, just to keep it fresh - A story need not have the original name to keep the story the same. But go ahead and think of it not to be affiliated with Grand Theft Auto.

Exactly. It could've been a followup with a different name; but that would then negate the inclusion of the 'III - 2' at the end. That doesn't make sense.

 

Take the film series 'Scream'. They make 'Scream'. Then they make 'Scream 2'. Then they make 'Scream 3'. It's a series. They keep the same title, they add a number onto the end.

 

Now, they could decide to make a fourth instalment, but title it differently. It'll still be in the canon, but they'll just name it something else to differentiate.

 

They go with the title 'Squeal'.

 

Now, that's fair enough. It's a totally new title. However, what they couldn't - and therefore wouldn't - do is call it 'Squeal 4'. Because it's not 'Squeal 4'. It could be 'Scream 4: Squeal'. But it's not.

[Omnia sunt Communia]

@ Jacky: Not at all man, I took all of your criticism into consideration I even apologised for not capitalising the 'A' but I HAVE purposely called it 'Grant Theft Auto' for a reason.

But didn't you start by defending your "choice" to not capitalize the a? You are not going to become better as a writer by constantly dismissing any form of constructive criticism with excuse after excuse.

[Ziggy455]

 

Tell me Em, Have there not been follow- ups to certain things, with completely different names? Sure they elaborate on an advanced plot of the first project but they are sequels nonetheless.

 

I'm merely putting a spin on something original, just to keep it fresh - A story need not have the original name to keep the story the same. But go ahead and think of it not to be affiliated with Grand Theft Auto.

Exactly. It could've been a followup with a different name; but that would then negate the inclusion of the 'III - 2' at the end. That doesn't make sense.

 

Take the film series 'Scream'. They make 'Scream'. Then they make 'Scream 2'. Then they make 'Scream 3'. It's a series. They keep the same title, they add a number onto the end.

 

Now, they could decide to make a fourth instalment, but title it differently. It'll still be in the canon, but they'll just name it something else to differentiate.

 

They go with the title 'Squeal'.

 

Now, that's fair enough. It's a totally new title. However, what they couldn't - and therefore wouldn't - do is call it 'Squeal 4'. Because it's not 'Squeal 4'. It could be 'Scream 4: Squeal'. But it's not.

I'm was going for a 'Star Wars' like Plan.

 

Lucas started off a brilliant saga by doing it from part 4! Now his work is loved by Millions!

 

Grant Theft Auto III - 1 filled in the gap of 4 years, I tell you this now because Everybody seems to think it was a unpurposeful f*ck-up.

 

I was going to do this and then move onto the Prequel. Why is it that I see some writers here with really odd topic names and people don't bat and eyelid, but I put a - 2 on mine and sh*t rolls downhill.

 

I was kind of going to wait until I had - 2 finished before even planning on the first one.

[Eminence]

If you planned this out so well why didn't you call it 'Grant Theft Auto 2' and then make 'Grant Theft Auto 1' later?

 

It boggles the mind.

[Omnia sunt Communia]

I'm was going for a 'Star Wars' like Plan.

 

Grant Theft Auto III - 1 filled in the gap of 4 years, I tell you this now because Everybody seems to think it was a unpurposeful f*ck-up.

 

I was going to do this and then move onto the Prequel. Why is it that I see some writers here with really odd topic names and people don't bat and eyelid, but I put a - 2 on mine and sh*t rolls downhill.

 

I was kind of going to wait until I had - 2 finished before even planning on the first one.

Star Wars? You mean like how they called them 'A New Hope IV' and 'Empire Strikes Back V'?

 

As for other member's titles; the only other story I can find on the front page with a strange title is HuangLikeALee's "loJic caFe" but he only capitalized the J and F to spell out the initials of my username (while mispelling logic at the same time). You on the otherhand just seem to have made an honest mistake and wont admit to it because you made the foolish mistake of claiming to make no grammatical errors whatsoever in the Social Club.

 

This is exactly what I meant when I said how the first chapter can really make or break a story. Before they even read that they will have to read the title. I'm lucky and I didn't notice the spelling mistake but I'm sure anybody who did would think twice about reading this story.

[Ziggy455]

 

If you planned this out so well why didn't you call it 'Grant Theft Auto 2' and then make 'Grant Theft Auto 1' later?

 

It boggles the mind.

Read my last post em.

 

No Jacky I meant how he started with the Number 4 and worked backwards - Just like I am doing.

Edited July 4, 2009 by Ziggy455

[Eminence]

If you planned this out so well why didn't you call it 'Grant Theft Auto 2' and then make 'Grant Theft Auto 1' later?

 

It boggles the mind.

Read my last post em.

Erm, I clearly did?

[Ziggy455]

 

If you planned this out so well why didn't you call it 'Grant Theft Auto 2' and then make 'Grant Theft Auto 1' later?

 

It boggles the mind.

Read my last post em.

Erm, I clearly did?

I'm basically doing what you just said then.

 

 

Can people stop bringing up the Social Club argument - Christ the reason I said what I said was because I was insulted unfairly.

Edited July 4, 2009 by Ziggy455

[Eminence]

No. Notice the lack of 'III'?

 

This is nothing to do with a 'III' at all. That's where your recently thought-out plan fails (no, I still don't believe you intentionally called it 'Grant').

[Omnia sunt Communia]

No Jacky I meant how he started with the Number 4 and worked backwards - Just like I am doing.

No, actually. It went 4, 5, 6 then 1, 2, 3. They also all fell under the header "Star Wars." He didn't name one of them "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" then the next one "Space Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones" did he?

[Ziggy455]

 

No. Notice the lack of 'III'?

 

This is nothing to do with a 'III' at all. That's where your recently thought-out plan fails (no, I still don't believe you intentionally called it 'Grant').

Were not the events of III the cause of why I was writing this in the first place?

 

Yes Jacky, But did he not start somewhere that wasn't the start of his story?

[Omnia sunt Communia]

Yes Jacky, But did he not start somewhere that wasn't the start of his story?

We're not talking about the fact that you're starting at the end/beginning/middle of your saga, we're talking about the fact that you are trying to continue a series under a different name while still using the numbering system which defines it.

 

You are just trying to make up for your mistakes and until I see something that proves you intentionally made that mistake then I'm going to keep believing what I believe. Though I can see you already tapping away at your keyboard quickly writing in a character called "Grant" just to make this whole mess seem planned.

[Ziggy455]

 

Yes Jacky, But did he not start somewhere that wasn't the start of his story?

We're not talking about the fact that you're starting at the end/beginning/middle of your saga, we're talking about the fact that you are trying to continue a series under a different name while still using the numbering system which defines it.

 

You are just trying to make up for your mistakes and until I see something that proves you intentionally made that mistake then I'm going to keep believing what I believe. Though I can see you already tapping away at your keyboard quickly writing in a character called "Grant" just to make this whole mess seem planned.

Lol, I will not be using a character called 'Grant'.

 

I has the 'III' because I like to consider it a break off- Of the 'III' Game, what's wrong with that?

Edited July 4, 2009 by Ziggy455

[Oxidizer]

Holy crap. Talk about hijacking the dude's thread over something trivial; it's just grammatical mistakes. Fair enough it might lessen the tone and atmoshpere of the story when reading it, but come on. It's nothing to get your knickers in a twist about.

 

Now, I'll be honest, I did skim the first chapter a little because I'm not a Leone fan, and so it came as a nice surprise that you eliminated them from the equation from the get-go (assuming I read that right). For that I shall to following this one more clearly.

 

Though I'm a bit confused as to Ken and Mike. Are those Rosenberg and Toreno? Or did you state who they were in the story and I lazily overlooked it like a douche?