Unoticed.

[Ziggy455]

 

I sat down at the table, my grimy school lunch swimming in cold gravy; Disgusting. I’d never eaten sh*t that tasted so nasty, but it was better than nothing. I looked up, slopping down the half lumpy mash back down as I did.

 

Kids were doing their own sh*t all around, A large group of Cool guys sat down all laughing, showing each other their tattoos; there works of art and toil. I watched them and hoped to be like them one day. They all began to talk to each other, shoving away anybody unlike them. To everybody who knew them, they were perfection. They looked down on everybody who didn’t show their level of skill and intellectual.

 

I walked over towards them, brandishing my new twenty dollar anchor tattoo.

 

“Hey kid,” one of them yelled as I walked by.

 

I looked back, a triumph of hope gleaming in my eyes as I expected them to comment on me, to rate me as their own so I could become like them; respected.

 

As I moved forward I sneakily edged my right arm forward brandishing the tattoo, waiting for their feedback of it.

 

“You suck” one of the larger ones yelled as he spat at me, I closed my eyes and wiped off the liquid.

 

"Go f*ck yourself" I said spiting back at them, shocking them as I walked off.

 

I walked away, a sense of betrayal but independance as I left the room; suddenly I had an epiphany. They weren’t perfect; they were just people who had got a little to bigheaded of their art. They were assholes and from then on I understood I had been misconstrued. They had treated me like a ghost, I was going unnoticed and I couldn’t give a f*ck from then on.

 

From now on they were the ones who were going to become unnoticed.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Ziggy455

[Chunk]

I'm going to start with the grammatical errors. You know, those things you said in Social Club you didn't have in your pieces.

 

 

I sat down at the table, my grimy school lunch swimming in cold gravy; Disgusting.

 

Disgusting shouldn't be capitalized.

 

 

A large group of Cool guys sat down all laughing,

 

Cool shouldn't be capitalized.

 

 

there works of art and toil.

 

It should be their, not there.

 

 

“Hey kid” one of them yelled as I walked by.

 

There should be a comma after kid.

 

 

You suck” one of the larger ones yelled as he spat at me, I closed my eyes and wiped off the liquid.

 

There should be a comma after suck.

 

 

"Go f*ck yourself" I said spiting back at them, shocking them as I walked off.

 

There should be a comma after yourself.

 

Overall, I found the piece to be the old cliche "boy wants to be popular, learns to ignore them and be himself" plot. It wasn't anything special and I found it to be boring.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Chunk

[vinnygorgeous]

I kinda got the sense that it had a double meaning maybe influenced by events in The Social Club, I maybe completely off the mark with that though.

[Ziggy455]

I kinda got the sense that it had a double meaning maybe influenced by events in The Social Club, I maybe completely off the mark with that though.

No, Spot on.

 

Basically I wanted to get my words and frustration out. Especially on the first asshole that posted this.

[Rhoda]

Right. Take this to PMs because I am not having a fight developing through a "story". This is obviously knocked out just to take your argument out on whoever it is you have your beef with. Do it over PM.

 

Locked.

 

EDIT: By the way, "unoticed" is "un-noticed".

Edited July 2, 2009 by Masterkraft

[Eminence]

Opened.

 

Allegorical stories are completely acceptable.