Red.

[SilentM]

There are seven dollars in my bank account.

 

I'm not really quite sure where it all went. I've worked pretty much every goddamn day since summer started, but I get checks equivalent to what I'd make if I worked two nights a week. That's irrelevant, my bank account contained $260 just the other day, in fact. Then she invited me to eat at Fridays with her and some co-workers. $14.99 for a damn cheeseburger and a drink. That place f*cking sucks, too, wouldn't recommend it. That was fun, though, she was there. I was supposed to go and visit family in Maryland, but you have no idea how quickly I dodged that. I sicken myself, this isn't going anywhere.

 

I looked yesterday, and realized I didn't have enough to make my car payment. Somehow, I'd spent $130 in a matter of days.

 

This really isn't about money.

 

It's about her.

 

Today after work she asked me to go look at a car with her. She's f*cking obsessed with land rovers, I'm not sure what the deal is with that. But at least it's respectable, although reminiscent of those bitches with their branded clothing. That's a whole different rant, though. Anyways, I went, and the car was actually pretty nice. The dealership is about four f*cking inches from my house, but I didn't tell her that. She strikes me as someone whose parents have money.

 

Last night I was talking to her via text (I'm awful at speaking in person about serious things) and told her I was going to bed at 12. I was. Then we talked until 3 AM. About what, I'm not sure. I now realize that was pretty much all in vain. I'm still a friend... I think. Which brings me back to the car story: why the hell would she ask me, a guy who doesn't make her laugh anywhere near as much as some other dudes at work, to go look at a car with her? It doesn't make sense. Laura (her b.f.f) came, too, so it seems like the friend slot was already filled. Not only that, but she asked Laura to come AFTER she asked me. What the hell?

 

Afterward I drove (could've walked) home, and realized I wanted ice cream. At this point, I have $17 in my bank account. My parents offered to take me out and get it for free with my sister (who is visiting). Then I asked Emma if she might want to go. Yeah, she does have a name. It almost hurts to say. Anyways she hopped on the idea, but she doesn't have any money. I'm sure as hell not taking her with my parents... so I made her wait there while I went into Sheetz and got money. Now I have seven. The ice cream was awesome, and we sat in my car while we ate. You know what she f*cking says to me? She called her dad, to tell him about the car, and he tells her he got laid off. She might be moving soon. You know what my first goddamn thought was? She can't move, then what would I do? What would I DO?! How f*cking selfish! But honest, that was my first thought. Of course I tried to comfort her...

 

We made plans to watch a movie at her house tomorrow night. My cousin is being dropped off tomorrow night, at my house. I won't be there, unless the plans fall through. I hope they don't. I don't know what I'd do if they did. I want to try and "make a move" (what a bro statement) on her then. It's not even like I want to have sex. I just want to hold her, you know? I want to be there for her. It hurts not being able to. I don't want to be her friend.

 

I'm so scrambled right now. Good news, though, no more crying since last time.

 

Let's hope that lasts.

[SilentM]

Her parents have to talk to her tonight. We're not watching any movie. I'm leaving for almost a month today. I... what do I do? So lost...

 

I almost want to talk to her. Tell her how I feel. It's not like she doesn't know, but maybe... maybe it'll work. God, I have to decide.

 

There aren't any words.