El Zilcho Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 I'm really liking this a lot, it's great! I'm also intrigued, why did Jimmy leave Liberty..? I hope we find out in future. U R B A N I T A S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
c3poh Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 it just keeps getting better! major kudos! I like these ideas a lot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lethal Nizzle Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Haha, nice one on the Mission #2 title, George Michael reference, keep it up. WHAM! reference my friend. Sure George Michael was in it, but yeah.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jordy. Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 (edited) MOAR! *4chan mode OFF* It's good but I just want to see the story develop further, but take your time and Eminence might not rape your creation. Edited April 18, 2009 by Jordy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomtom555 Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 I like the dialogue, again It's very british-like . Also, I can't wait to find out why Jimmy left Liberty City. It must be secret if he doesn't want his dad to know... Great job, anyway, JF. Chunk told me you wrote this one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VCRules86 Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 this is excellent. The dialogue is crisp and believable and the best thing is that you feed the mystery as to why Jimmy left LC with that dialogue. Excellent mission Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pr0xy_fl00d3r Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 This is absolutely brilliant, Im eager to see chapter 3. Its so British, the dialogue is so realistic. You got someone pregnant, didn’t you? You f*ckin' spineless little c*nt. Just like you too run away from something that’s your responsibility. I love Bob allready, reminds me of my dad. Keep this up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oxidizer Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 An all right follow-up to the previous instalment. It's a very slow-burner right now, so it's a bit difficult to leave any in-depth feedback other than the generic stuff. I'm intrigued as to why Jimmy left Liberty City though, and why now, after having lived there for 5 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radicell Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 It's a very slow-burner right now, so it's a bit difficult to leave any in-depth feedback other than the generic stuff. I'm intrigued as to why Jimmy left Liberty City though, and why now, after having lived there for 5 years. I find the pace of the missions to be just right for a GTA game, although when in written form it probably does seem a bit slow. I expect the pace to pick up from now on though, it'll be great if done right. Anyways, for a new-generation GTA set outside of America, it's certainly fantastic. The dialogue is all very real and we're feeling for the characters already. Also, I'm liking how you're creating subplots that I expect will unfold over the course of the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mafioso86 Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 I have a theory on that trouble in Liberty City... well more of an idea, there's no real basis other than I can see it working as a connection between crime in New York and London... trouble with the Russians, perhaps Mr. Petrovic? Of course it might feel to similar to Niko running away from Bulgarin. But since the Russian Mafiya is big in both New York and London in real life I could see it being an interesting piece of the plot. Plus I have a theory that the Russians will be to the GTAIV series what the Italians were to the GTAIII series. The Italians (specifically the Forellis) were mentioned in every single game in the GTAIII series. Sure they were only a huge part of the plot in III, VC, and LCS... but CJ had his dealings with them in Venturas, and Vic had to protect Phil Collins from them two years before they sent Tommy to VC. Plus with Petrovic... all the name dropping and appearances in multiplayer felt like they were pointing to something more (much like the name Forelli). Just my thoughts tho. Anyways, I'm absolutely loving this... it's great that some actual Brits are writing it too... I don't think I could be as natural about it as an American. One thing came to mind though is about cars. You mention Bob's car in this latest installment... just wondering what that might be. Ofcourse it won't be a real world car... but from what would it get it's basis. Like in GTAIV the mafia obviously drove Chrysler 300Cs, the blacks gangs the Hummers and Navigators, the triads with the Infinitis, etc. As mentioned before I'm from the US, I don't really know what the car of choice would be the Cockney Gangster. One thing does come into my mind that I think would be cool... but I could be way off on it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lethal Nizzle Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 Anyways, I'm absolutely loving this... it's great that some actual Brits are writing it too... I don't think I could be as natural about it as an American. One thing came to mind though is about cars. You mention Bob's car in this latest installment... just wondering what that might be. Ofcourse it won't be a real world car... but from what would it get it's basis. Like in GTAIV the mafia obviously drove Chrysler 300Cs, the blacks gangs the Hummers and Navigators, the triads with the Infinitis, etc. As mentioned before I'm from the US, I don't really know what the car of choice would be the Cockney Gangster. One thing does come into my mind that I think would be cool... but I could be way off on it... I could see the Cockneys driving generic British sedans; maybe a rendition of a few Vauxhall models such as the Astra, or the Ford Mondeo. Not very flashy, but it fits them perfectly IMO. In all honesty they're not the most spectacular gang, just a couple of thugs who are willing to kick people's heads in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 Everything Jimmy says is bland and uninspired, waiting for his father to prompt something further from him. He never divulges information for himself; he makes an extremely passive remark and then waits for Bob to actually describe the scene more. I'm not saying that this is a clever character trait; it's a hindrance to the flow and overall natural pace of their conversation. It seems too staged and forced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuangLikeALee Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 Since Vice City nor Rise of Dimitri didn't work out I might just make a script and compete with this one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuangLikeALee Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 (edited) It's a very slow-burner right now, so it's a bit difficult to leave any in-depth feedback other than the generic stuff. I'm intrigued as to why Jimmy left Liberty City though, and why now, after having lived there for 5 years. I find the pace of the missions to be just right for a GTA game, although when in written form it probably does seem a bit slow. I expect the pace to pick up from now on though, it'll be great if done right. Anyways, for a new-generation GTA set outside of America, it's certainly fantastic. The dialogue is all very real and we're feeling for the characters already. Also, I'm liking how you're creating subplots that I expect will unfold over the course of the story. I like the fact that it takes a step outside of American culture, and reveals a whole new world for Americans. The only problem is, a lot of Austrailia is desert and I just don't see a GTA character hijacking a kangeroo... Edited April 20, 2009 by HuangLikeALee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omnia sunt Communia Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 The only problem is, a lot of Austrailia is desert and I just don't see a GTA character hijacking a kangeroo... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What? @Eminence: Thank you for the criticism. We will try and improve the flow of the dialogue in time for Mission #3. I was trying to give the impression that Jimmy was reluctant to talk to Bob about his problem, but I guess it came off as bland to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Bland wasn't the best way to describe it, to be honest. You did convey well the sense that he was somewhat reluctant to talk about it - but it could've been done better. I didn't mean that it was 'boring', per se, but just that it seemed like the obvious and 'perfect' response to have. It didn't seem natural, it wasn't full of the errors of everday speech - it was the perfect piece to fit into the puzzle, and when people speak like that, perfectly bouncing words from one to the other, it doesn't seem natural at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Zilcho Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Since Vice City nor Rise of Dimitri didn't work out I might just make a script and compete with this one What, for the sake of it? Your going to copy the same idea Jacky and Chunk are using, for the sheer sake of it? What's the point? If you're inspired, then perhaps. But if you just want to do it for the sake of competing, there is no point, right? U R B A N I T A S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuangLikeALee Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Since Vice City nor Rise of Dimitri didn't work out I might just make a script and compete with this one What, for the sake of it? Your going to copy the same idea Jacky and Chunk are using, for the sheer sake of it? What's the point? If you're inspired, then perhaps. But if you just want to do it for the sake of competing, there is no point, right? Who says I was going to use their ideas? I am not a plagarist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhoda Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Who says I was going to use their ideas? I am not a plagarist. There is no suggestion here that you are, but the fact that you've said you're going to create script for the primary purpose of competing with this one defeats the object ever so slightly. If you think you can do it, I implore you to have a go at it, but these sort of scripts need deep thought and intense planning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radicell Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Who says I was going to use their ideas? I am not a plagarist. There is no suggestion here that you are, but the fact that you've said you're going to create script for the primary purpose of competing with this one defeats the object ever so slightly. If you think you can do it, I implore you to have a go at it, but these sort of scripts need deep thought and intense planning. Agreed. To be inspired is one thing, but the inspiration should be what motivates you, not the desire to compete. That being said, I'm interested in what you have to offer. Still looking forward to Mission #3, which I hope will bring us up to date on all the mystery enshrouding Jimmy, although I can see it raising more questions than it answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chunk Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Mission #3: Potty Patrol A B is still on the map marking the Bulldog. Follow it and enter the yellow marker to begin the next mission. Jimmy enters the pub and closes the door behind him, seeing Bob in the corner drinking a pint. Jimmy walks over to his father and sits in front of him, arms crossed in front of him. Bob looks up from his glass and at Jimmy, an angry look on his face. Jimmy: Enjoyin' the pint? Bob: Beer is the cornerstone of any man's life. Assuming you're still a man, want one? Jimmy: No thanks. I'd much rather keep my liver healthy instead of poisoning it with a mixture of Blarneys and rat piss. Bob: That figures. But seein' as you're staying sober, you can do a favour for me. Jimmy: Go on. Bob: Some little dickheads have been coming in 'ere, not buying anythin' and then trashin' up my toilets. I'm not happy about that Jimmy my lad, my loyal costumers have nowhere to sh*t now. Make it stop before one of them emptys their excretions in one of my glasses. Jimmy: And exactly why should I do that now? It's not like you're paying me to do this sh*t. Bob: Because if you do, you'll maybe regain some of my respect. That might not seem much to you, but if you don't like it, you can f*ck off back to Liberty. Jimmy: It'll do, for now anyway. What time do these c*nts come in at? Bob: Opening time. Which according to my watch is in five minutes. You still got that phone? I'll call you when they come in. Now get in the lavs. Jimmy gets up from the corner table and makes his way into the toilets, as Bob takes one last gulp of his pint. You are now in control of Jimmy again inside the grotty toilets. An instruction appears on screen, prompting you to wait until Bob calls to inform you of the punk's entrance. Wait a few seconds for Bob to call you. Once he does, answer it. Jimmy: They in the pub? Bob: No, I'm just ringin' to tell you I love you. Of course they're in the pub, you dumb twat. Now, hid in one of the cubicles and wait for them, then you pounce on the little bastards. Jimmy: What if they beat me to a pulp? Bob: Then they may as well finish the job... Bob hangs up the phone. A new instruction appears on screen, prompting you to hid in one of the cubicles as Bob said. Do this and wait for the punks to enter, a cutscene begins when they do. Punk 1: That old f*cker out there was givin' us dirty looks for sure. Punk 2: What's he gonna do? Come at us with a zimmerframe? Punk 1: Haha, you always know how to cheer me up Craig. You wanna go out for some Cluckin' Bell later? Punk 2: For the last time Niall, it was a mistake. I'm not a poof. Punk 1: You weren't like that last night, you squealed like a pig when I stuck my... The punk is interrupted by Jimmy exiting the cubicle. Jimmy: Am I interrupting something gentlemen? Punk 1: Who the f*ck are you? Jimmy: I'm the guy going to beat the living sh*t outta you two gayboys. Punk 2: I'm not gay! Punk 1: Shut it Craig. And why exactly are you gonna beat us up c*ntyballs? Jimmy: Because you've been trashin' my dad's toilets. And my dad doesn't like to be messed with, especially not by 2 scrawny little gay punks. Punk 2: I'm not gay, I love fanny! Punk 1: Shut it Craig, everyone knows you're as gay as a pink dildo. Anyway sh*tbrain, come on then. Give us all you got. You are now in control of Jimmy again. The two punks are in fighting stance and an instruction appears on screen. LT and RT are used to punch left and right, Y to grab and X to kick. Use these instructions to beat up the punks. After one punk is knocked out, a cutscene begins. Punk 1: Please stop, we'll stop trashing the toilets, just stop now! Jimmy: That's not good enough boyo, you need to be taught a lesson. Jimmy grabs hold of the punk's head and drags him over to a toilet. He leans his head against the toilet and the cutscene ends. A new instruction appears and it prompts you to press LB to perform a finisher move on the punk. Press LB and watch the cutscene. Jimmy: See ya in hell, you f*ckin' punk! Jimmy raises his foot above the punk's head and stamps down, killing him instantly. Jimmy walks back into the pub, now filled with drunks. He goes behind the bar and sees Bob handing a glass of Pisswasser to a young man clearly using a fake I.D. Bob turns to Jimmy. Bob: I see you didn't get your head kicked in, did they? Jimmy: Well one's laying on the piss covered floor knocked out, the other is lying against a toilet after getting stamped on the head. That good enough for you? Bob: f*ck me, you must have been ruthless boy. Jimmy: I try to be. Bob: Now I won't have to worry about those pricks wreckin' my lav. You did good today son, come back some time for more work. Jimmy: Does that mean I get paid this time? Bob: Don't push your luck. Mission Accomplished: No Reward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jordy. Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 (edited) Great Still lovin' the dialogue! There isn't much action going on however, but I guess this whole thing revolves around the description and dialogue, "So you know, like, whatever". Edited April 21, 2009 by Jordy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lethal Nizzle Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 "C*ntyballs?" Wow. Aha, thanks for the small cameo; I liked how it was a smooth transition from the first few missions, you weren't going off to a fully-fledged gang war, and it fitted with the scenario. Very nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Menaced Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Jimmy: Because you've been trashin' my dad's toilets. And my dad doesn't like to be messed with, especially not by 2 scrawny little gay punks.Punk 2: I'm not gay, I love fanny! That part got a laugh out of me Great stuff, mate, you've got a real talent with writing such things. I see you love violence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Excrement and homosexuals as comedic content? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pr0xy_fl00d3r Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Im guessing mission three was a comical chapter, if so, it served its purpose, I lol'd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chunk Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Excrement and homosexuals as comedic content? Oh I'm sorry, does this not appeal to your sense of humour? If not that's fine, but you don't have to smugly comment back. Thanks for the contribution, but in future if you have nothing to post except something like this, please don't post at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. It's an extremely valid point, unless your target audience is centred mainly in the 10-12 year old age bracket and you're looking for a cheap gag. Am I criticising it for the fun of it, to point out something and have my own little sense of... I don't know, accomplishment? No. I'm pointing it out because you're both very competent writers and I know for a fact that you can come up with something better - and, if needs be, more comedic - than calling someone 'gay'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pr0xy_fl00d3r Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I thought it was funny, keep it up But obviously, I understand that future installments are going to be more serious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chunk Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Yeah but Phil, I would hardly consider your comment constructive. That's what all the stories in WD need, some constructive criticism instead of a few words and a smilie. I mean, you are known for offering the best criticism in here, I just expected more than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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